Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?

[Anonymous]

Perhaps someone has already said this, but I think the pandemic has led to a lot of ruminating over our lives. I am regretting and second guessing things I have done. I can’t undo bad decisions and actions in the past - just have to move on from here. A therapist can help with that. DCUM can be helpful, but can also be very unhelpful - a good therapist will be on your side in the sense that she will help you move into the future and the decision making that you will encounter there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, absolution? You moved overseas and weren't able to spend time with your parents when they were ailing and dying. It's done. The reason people are suggesting therapy is because you are obviously not at peace with how things went down. You came from a distant, unsupportive family and were yourself distant from your parents. Your father was too stubborn to accept help, and it sounds like you married a somewhat rigid and inflexible man yourself. A therapist can help you unpack this stuff and move on.

You clearly didn't read or understand my posts.
The 3 years that my Dad was ill I went home to visit and help him as much as I could, to the best of my abilities. Sometimes DH came with me to help, but usually I went on my own. I once spent 7 weeks with my Dad on unpaid leave.

I did the same when Mum was ill and I spent the last 6 or 7 weeks of her life with her, by her hospital bed. I was there when she passed.

Technically I COULD have moved back home when my parents were ailing but practically speaking that was never an option. I would have lost my job overseas and I would have needed a new job near my parents, eating away time I could have spent with them. We're not made of money, you know.

Many of you here ask why I was so mad at my relatives. Some of them told me they were too 'busy' to do more for my Dad in my absence.
I found out that their definition of 'busy' meant busy going to the salon, busy getting their nails done, busy playing tennis, busy meeting friends and busy going to BBQs.
Meanwhile, when I was with my Dad I was busy cleaning his house, scrubbing floors, washing and ironing his clothes, cooking food and emptying his chamber pot. And while I considered these to be my duties, my definition of 'busy' is somewhat different than that of my relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, absolution? You moved overseas and weren't able to spend time with your parents when they were ailing and dying. It's done. The reason people are suggesting therapy is because you are obviously not at peace with how things went down. You came from a distant, unsupportive family and were yourself distant from your parents. Your father was too stubborn to accept help, and it sounds like you married a somewhat rigid and inflexible man yourself. A therapist can help you unpack this stuff and move on.

You clearly didn't read or understand my posts.
The 3 years that my Dad was ill I went home to visit and help him as much as I could, to the best of my abilities. Sometimes DH came with me to help, but usually I went on my own. I once spent 7 weeks with my Dad on unpaid leave.

I did the same when Mum was ill and I spent the last 6 or 7 weeks of her life with her, by her hospital bed. I was there when she passed.

Technically I COULD have moved back home when my parents were ailing but practically speaking that was never an option. I would have lost my job overseas and I would have needed a new job near my parents, eating away time I could have spent with them. We're not made of money, you know.

Many of you here ask why I was so mad at my relatives. Some of them told me they were too 'busy' to do more for my Dad in my absence.
I found out that their definition of 'busy' meant busy going to the salon, busy getting their nails done, busy playing tennis, busy meeting friends and busy going to BBQs.
Meanwhile, when I was with my Dad I was busy cleaning his house, scrubbing floors, washing and ironing his clothes, cooking food and emptying his chamber pot. And while I considered these to be my duties, my definition of 'busy' is somewhat different than that of my relatives.

Sorry but, you don't get to define what others consider busy. Are you planning on helping your cousins' parents when they are sick and dying? If no, than you need to shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, absolution? You moved overseas and weren't able to spend time with your parents when they were ailing and dying. It's done. The reason people are suggesting therapy is because you are obviously not at peace with how things went down. You came from a distant, unsupportive family and were yourself distant from your parents. Your father was too stubborn to accept help, and it sounds like you married a somewhat rigid and inflexible man yourself. A therapist can help you unpack this stuff and move on.

You clearly didn't read or understand my posts.
The 3 years that my Dad was ill I went home to visit and help him as much as I could, to the best of my abilities. Sometimes DH came with me to help, but usually I went on my own. I once spent 7 weeks with my Dad on unpaid leave.

I did the same when Mum was ill and I spent the last 6 or 7 weeks of her life with her, by her hospital bed. I was there when she passed.

Technically I COULD have moved back home when my parents were ailing but practically speaking that was never an option. I would have lost my job overseas and I would have needed a new job near my parents, eating away time I could have spent with them. We're not made of money, you know.

Many of you here ask why I was so mad at my relatives. Some of them told me they were too 'busy' to do more for my Dad in my absence.
I found out that their definition of 'busy' meant busy going to the salon, busy getting their nails done, busy playing tennis, busy meeting friends and busy going to BBQs.
Meanwhile, when I was with my Dad I was busy cleaning his house, scrubbing floors, washing and ironing his clothes, cooking food and emptying his chamber pot. And while I considered these to be my duties, my definition of 'busy' is somewhat different than that of my relatives.

Sorry but, you don't get to define what others consider busy. Are you planning on helping your cousins' parents when they are sick and dying? If no, than you need to shut up.

Your comparison with my cousins' parents doesn't make sense. My aunts and uncles live in my hometown, I live overseas. My Dad lived in my hometown and so do most of my relatives. Some live around the corner. Wouldn't you visit an ailing relative who lives 10 minutes away?

Since my Dad died one of my cousins moved overseas too, to the other side of the globe. He moved there to be with the woman he loved. They're married now and settled in her country. He visits his 70+ year old parents once a year. What do you think about that?
At least I made more of an effort.

[Anonymous]

I think you feel guilty and are trying to assuage your guilt by blaming others. It was YOUR job to care for your own dad. I have never been in your situation so I can’t judge, but if I were you I would feel very guilty, too. I think you should see a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, absolution? You moved overseas and weren't able to spend time with your parents when they were ailing and dying. It's done. The reason people are suggesting therapy is because you are obviously not at peace with how things went down. You came from a distant, unsupportive family and were yourself distant from your parents. Your father was too stubborn to accept help, and it sounds like you married a somewhat rigid and inflexible man yourself. A therapist can help you unpack this stuff and move on.

You clearly didn't read or understand my posts.
The 3 years that my Dad was ill I went home to visit and help him as much as I could, to the best of my abilities. Sometimes DH came with me to help, but usually I went on my own. I once spent 7 weeks with my Dad on unpaid leave.

I did the same when Mum was ill and I spent the last 6 or 7 weeks of her life with her, by her hospital bed. I was there when she passed.

Technically I COULD have moved back home when my parents were ailing but practically speaking that was never an option. I would have lost my job overseas and I would have needed a new job near my parents, eating away time I could have spent with them. We're not made of money, you know.

Many of you here ask why I was so mad at my relatives. Some of them told me they were too 'busy' to do more for my Dad in my absence.
I found out that their definition of 'busy' meant busy going to the salon, busy getting their nails done, busy playing tennis, busy meeting friends and busy going to BBQs.
Meanwhile, when I was with my Dad I was busy cleaning his house, scrubbing floors, washing and ironing his clothes, cooking food and emptying his chamber pot. And while I considered these to be my duties, my definition of 'busy' is somewhat different than that of my relatives.

OP, others are missing point. You flew back and forth. You coordinated care from overseas. You wiped his butt. You did best you could. True, rest of family worthless. Not even to check up on him? Geez, my terminal MIL over 1000 miles away had mere neighbors checking up on her daily. They weren't even relatives. Your family sucks. Don't let it take any more rent free time in your head. You moved physically, now move mentally. And break the cycle. Be really involved with your kids and your DH family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you feel guilty and are trying to assuage your guilt by blaming others. It was YOUR job to care for your own dad. I have never been in your situation so I can’t judge, but if I were you I would feel very guilty, too. I think you should see a therapist.

You say you can't judge but you do sound very judgmental!

Some people on here are deliberately obtuse. Or they really, genuinely can't relate to the situation I was in. Do I really need to make a drawing for you to understand?

I was physically living overseas. Permanently. Married to someone from a country that is not my own. While it was my own decision to move abroad out of my own free will when I was 27, sadly I was unable to split myself in two and live in 2 places at the same time.

The ONLY way I could have been a proper caregiver who did 100%, or the majority of the caregiving myself, without involving relatives, was to move back home, with Dad, until the day he died. Right? But that would have taken 3 years. It was simply never an option.
I would have lost my marriage.

Being an only child - a blessing or a curse? I don't want to be blamed for a decision I made when I was a single 27-year old who wanted to see the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, absolution? You moved overseas and weren't able to spend time with your parents when they were ailing and dying. It's done. The reason people are suggesting therapy is because you are obviously not at peace with how things went down. You came from a distant, unsupportive family and were yourself distant from your parents. Your father was too stubborn to accept help, and it sounds like you married a somewhat rigid and inflexible man yourself. A therapist can help you unpack this stuff and move on.

You clearly didn't read or understand my posts.
The 3 years that my Dad was ill I went home to visit and help him as much as I could, to the best of my abilities. Sometimes DH came with me to help, but usually I went on my own. I once spent 7 weeks with my Dad on unpaid leave.

I did the same when Mum was ill and I spent the last 6 or 7 weeks of her life with her, by her hospital bed. I was there when she passed.

Technically I COULD have moved back home when my parents were ailing but practically speaking that was never an option. I would have lost my job overseas and I would have needed a new job near my parents, eating away time I could have spent with them. We're not made of money, you know.

Many of you here ask why I was so mad at my relatives. Some of them told me they were too 'busy' to do more for my Dad in my absence.
I found out that their definition of 'busy' meant busy going to the salon, busy getting their nails done, busy playing tennis, busy meeting friends and busy going to BBQs.
Meanwhile, when I was with my Dad I was busy cleaning his house, scrubbing floors, washing and ironing his clothes, cooking food and emptying his chamber pot. And while I considered these to be my duties, my definition of 'busy' is somewhat different than that of my relatives.

OP, others are missing point. You flew back and forth. You coordinated care from overseas. You wiped his butt. You did best you could. True, rest of family worthless. Not even to check up on him? Geez, my terminal MIL over 1000 miles away had mere neighbors checking up on her daily. They weren't even relatives. Your family sucks. Don't let it take any more rent free time in your head. You moved physically, now move mentally. And break the cycle. Be really involved with your kids and your DH family.

Thanks. You get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is me, except my parents are 71, and still tottering about.
I am actually considering returning home to take care of them for their end of life, providing my teens launch successfully… Ideally, my parents would last a few more years by themselves, my teens would gain entrance to good unis in the country next door, so they wouldn’t be too far away from my watchful eye, and everything would dovetail.

My worst nightmare is my parents popping off without warning. I can’t cross the Atlantic in anything less than a dozen hours, from the time I get my tickets to the time I land.

I’m sorry for your losses, OP. It’s a trauma we lived through when my BIL and FIL passed away and we could not say goodbye. My husband and I will feel eternally guilty about that.

But at the end of the day, you have the right and duty to create the life you want! You are NOT selfish. You did your best.

Omg they are only 71!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, absolution? You moved overseas and weren't able to spend time with your parents when they were ailing and dying. It's done. The reason people are suggesting therapy is because you are obviously not at peace with how things went down. You came from a distant, unsupportive family and were yourself distant from your parents. Your father was too stubborn to accept help, and it sounds like you married a somewhat rigid and inflexible man yourself. A therapist can help you unpack this stuff and move on.

You clearly didn't read or understand my posts.
The 3 years that my Dad was ill I went home to visit and help him as much as I could, to the best of my abilities. Sometimes DH came with me to help, but usually I went on my own. I once spent 7 weeks with my Dad on unpaid leave.

I did the same when Mum was ill and I spent the last 6 or 7 weeks of her life with her, by her hospital bed. I was there when she passed.

Technically I COULD have moved back home when my parents were ailing but practically speaking that was never an option. I would have lost my job overseas and I would have needed a new job near my parents, eating away time I could have spent with them. We're not made of money, you know.

Many of you here ask why I was so mad at my relatives. Some of them told me they were too 'busy' to do more for my Dad in my absence.
I found out that their definition of 'busy' meant busy going to the salon, busy getting their nails done, busy playing tennis, busy meeting friends and busy going to BBQs.
Meanwhile, when I was with my Dad I was busy cleaning his house, scrubbing floors, washing and ironing his clothes, cooking food and emptying his chamber pot. And while I considered these to be my duties, my definition of 'busy' is somewhat different than that of my relatives.

OP, others are missing point. You flew back and forth. You coordinated care from overseas. You wiped his butt. You did best you could. True, rest of family worthless. Not even to check up on him? Geez, my terminal MIL over 1000 miles away had mere neighbors checking up on her daily. They weren't even relatives. Your family sucks. Don't let it take any more rent free time in your head. You moved physically, now move mentally. And break the cycle. Be really involved with your kids and your DH family.

Thanks. You get it.

I think you did okay OP. Don't worry about it anymore. I can understand why you feel annoyed that your relatives didn't do more! Let it go though. They were probably busy, oblivious and thought you had it all covered with the aides you hired.
Good on you for hiring aides and for talking with your dad frequently - plus visiting. You were very helpful to him. The important thing is he had you looking out for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you feel guilty and are trying to assuage your guilt by blaming others. It was YOUR job to care for your own dad. I have never been in your situation so I can’t judge, but if I were you I would feel very guilty, too. I think you should see a therapist.

You say you can't judge but you do sound very judgmental!

Some people on here are deliberately obtuse. Or they really, genuinely can't relate to the situation I was in. Do I really need to make a drawing for you to understand?

I was physically living overseas. Permanently. Married to someone from a country that is not my own. While it was my own decision to move abroad out of my own free will when I was 27, sadly I was unable to split myself in two and live in 2 places at the same time.

The ONLY way I could have been a proper caregiver who did 100%, or the majority of the caregiving myself, without involving relatives, was to move back home, with Dad, until the day he died. Right? But that would have taken 3 years. It was simply never an option.
I would have lost my marriage.

Being an only child - a blessing or a curse? I don't want to be blamed for a decision I made when I was a single 27-year old who wanted to see the world.

OP. You made your choices. 27 is not a child. I, too, am an only child and I have made different life choices. I know that my parents would have been devastated if I chose to move overseas. I made career and life choices that kept me within driving distance. I certainly missed out on "seeing the world" and career opportunities in order to stay close to family. That was my sacrifice. Yours was not being able to support a dying parent. I'm not saying this to place blame, it's just that we all give up something in order to support our priorities...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you feel guilty and are trying to assuage your guilt by blaming others. It was YOUR job to care for your own dad. I have never been in your situation so I can’t judge, but if I were you I would feel very guilty, too. I think you should see a therapist.

You say you can't judge but you do sound very judgmental!

Some people on here are deliberately obtuse. Or they really, genuinely can't relate to the situation I was in. Do I really need to make a drawing for you to understand?

I was physically living overseas. Permanently. Married to someone from a country that is not my own. While it was my own decision to move abroad out of my own free will when I was 27, sadly I was unable to split myself in two and live in 2 places at the same time.

The ONLY way I could have been a proper caregiver who did 100%, or the majority of the caregiving myself, without involving relatives, was to move back home, with Dad, until the day he died. Right? But that would have taken 3 years. It was simply never an option.
I would have lost my marriage.

Being an only child - a blessing or a curse? I don't want to be blamed for a decision I made when I was a single 27-year old who wanted to see the world.

OP. You made your choices. 27 is not a child. I, too, am an only child and I have made different life choices. I know that my parents would have been devastated if I chose to move overseas. I made career and life choices that kept me within driving distance. I certainly missed out on "seeing the world" and career opportunities in order to stay close to family. That was my sacrifice. Yours was not being able to support a dying parent. I'm not saying this to place blame, it's just that we all give up something in order to support our priorities...

Hi, OP here. 27 is not a child, but I had always been interested in travelling and the wider world, ever since I was a young teenager. My parents also liked spending vacations in other countries.

My parents supported my decision to move overseas, especially my Mom, who never got the career opportunities I got. She had me when she was barely 21 years old. Dad was 24.

I supported my ailing parents to the best of my abilities, within the means that I had, and within our geographical limits. You are right in the sense that I could have offered my parents more hands-on, practical support if I had stayed nearby. But I didn't...
And so many people in the US don't either. What if you're an only child and your parents live several states away? Surely you cannot be with them 24/7 ...?
Or what if you meet a future partner from a different state, where do you decide to settle down, near your parents, or his/hers? It's not that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you feel guilty and are trying to assuage your guilt by blaming others. It was YOUR job to care for your own dad. I have never been in your situation so I can’t judge, but if I were you I would feel very guilty, too. I think you should see a therapist.

You say you can't judge but you do sound very judgmental!

Some people on here are deliberately obtuse. Or they really, genuinely can't relate to the situation I was in. Do I really need to make a drawing for you to understand?

I was physically living overseas. Permanently. Married to someone from a country that is not my own. While it was my own decision to move abroad out of my own free will when I was 27, sadly I was unable to split myself in two and live in 2 places at the same time.

The ONLY way I could have been a proper caregiver who did 100%, or the majority of the caregiving myself, without involving relatives, was to move back home, with Dad, until the day he died. Right? But that would have taken 3 years. It was simply never an option.
I would have lost my marriage.

Being an only child - a blessing or a curse? I don't want to be blamed for a decision I made when I was a single 27-year old who wanted to see the world.

OP. You made your choices. 27 is not a child. I, too, am an only child and I have made different life choices. I know that my parents would have been devastated if I chose to move overseas. I made career and life choices that kept me within driving distance. I certainly missed out on "seeing the world" and career opportunities in order to stay close to family. That was my sacrifice. Yours was not being able to support a dying parent. I'm not saying this to place blame, it's just that we all give up something in order to support our priorities...

Hi, OP here. 27 is not a child, but I had always been interested in travelling and the wider world, ever since I was a young teenager. My parents also liked spending vacations in other countries.

My parents supported my decision to move overseas, especially my Mom, who never got the career opportunities I got. She had me when she was barely 21 years old. Dad was 24.

I supported my ailing parents to the best of my abilities, within the means that I had, and within our geographical limits. You are right in the sense that I could have offered my parents more hands-on, practical support if I had stayed nearby. But I didn't...
And so many people in the US don't either. What if you're an only child and your parents live several states away? Surely you cannot be with them 24/7 ...?
Or what if you meet a future partner from a different state, where do you decide to settle down, near your parents, or his/hers? It's not that simple.

OK, your family sucks. They are't very helpful. You should not feel guilty for living your life.

It's fine to vent, but it seems you were also looking for some absolution, which NOBODY on here can give you. That's why people are saying you should get a therapist to help you move on from the guilt.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP here. 27 is not a child, but I had always been interested in travelling and the wider world, ever since I was a young teenager. My parents also liked spending vacations in other countries.

My parents supported my decision to move overseas, especially my Mom, who never got the career opportunities I got. She had me when she was barely 21 years old. Dad was 24.

I supported my ailing parents to the best of my abilities, within the means that I had, and within our geographical limits. You are right in the sense that I could have offered my parents more hands-on, practical support if I had stayed nearby. But I didn't...
And so many people in the US don't either. What if you're an only child and your parents live several states away? Surely you cannot be with them 24/7 ...?
Or what if you meet a future partner from a different state, where do you decide to settle down, near your parents, or his/hers? It's not that simple.

What exactly are you looking for here, OP? If supporting them in their old age was a priority for you, then you wouldn't have moved so far away. You seem to be struggling with the reality that you chose what was best for you over what was best for your family. It wasn't a wrong choice, but it had consequences. I suspect that you knew that at the time, which is why you are feeling so guilty. There is no real solution here other than getting yourself some therapy and making peace with yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP again.
Perhaps I put too much emphasis in my posts on what my relatives didn't, wouldn't or couldn't do. But I do find their attitude annoying. When life is good, they're great, they're fun. When life sucks, they seem to close ranks.

My Dad has been dead for several years now.

There is a reason I came on here. A couple months ago something bad happened to me and DH. A major event, something that one would normally tell family. We are both healthy and have jobs, but it was major and bad nonetheless. It is not money-related.

I texted Mom's siblings to let them know what happened. I did not ask for help because there is nothing they could have done.
One aunt & uncle didn't even reply. The other did, but they didn't acknowledge and texted about the nice things in their life instead. And how busy they are. My cousin, their daughter, didn't reply, even though recently I have shown a lot of interest in her pregnancy and her baby due in 2 months.

It just brought back memories of the time when Dad was ill and how they could have shown more empathy.