Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - this is in the past
There is something seriously wrong with you that you are focused so much on this. Get help

If this were a current issue, I'd be answering your question differently.

+1 I live overseas and my parents have had health issues, but you say your parents died 7 years ago. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn’t quite matter if you are the only child in this situation. I have a brother, and both of us moved to the US 20 years ago. It takes me about 24 hours to get to my parents’ home, including 15 hours on the plane. Over the years, I invited our parents to come live with us multiple times. They always refused as they were happy with their independent life where they don’t need to care for any kids or grandkids. My mom used to repeat that when one of them passes away, the other one will come live with us. Now she is bed-ridden in a nursing home with dementia, can’t even sit after a recent fall. My father is in his early 80s, still active, and I’d be so happy if he could come and live with us, but of course it’s not an option while my mom is still alive. He visits her a couple of times a week and hopes that she will get better and will return home one day. Her physical condition is decent, she might live for 10 more years. We have no relatives in my hometown. When I was young (maybe 20), I told my mom how I wish our relatives lived close to us and it would have been so much fun to get together as a large family, she said I’m welcome to start a large family of my own, get a lot of kids and keep them and their families nearby.

Don't you think it is a little ironic or galling for you to tell your mom that you wish your family lived close to each other when you are the one one who moved away??

Don't put this on them. You had a home and family and moved somewhere where you did not. Now you are acting like it is their fault (and quite inconvenient) that they will not die close to you. Time for some introspection.

Oh no, my story is different. Initially I moved because my parents pretty much forced me to do so, I was no longer allowed to live with them. Any time I mentioned to my parents how I miss my hometown and want to come back, they said that I shouldn’t even think about it because the larger city where I moved had so many more opportunities. Then I met my husband in that larger city, he got a job in the US, and we came here. My parents didn’t want their kids and grandkids to live near them.

How did your parents force you to move and why were you no longer allowed to live with or near them? And why didn't they want their kids and grandkids to live near them?

When I was little, my mom used to repeat that she is only obligated to provide for me financially until I turn 18. When I turn 18, I was supposed to start helping them. When I was 16 or so, she started telling me that there is nothing mine in their house, that the sofa I was sitting on was hers because I didn’t buy it. She also screamed at me for no reason every day. It was just impossible to live with her and my dad in that 1-bedroom apartment. So I had to rent my own apartment across the street and realized that I would never be able to buy a place of my own if I stay in my hometown. Inflation was at least 100% a year, any savings evaporated right away, and there was no mortgage available in my home country at that time. People either inherited apartments from relatives, lived with their parents/grandparents until they die or sold an inherited apartment and bought a new one. So if I wanted a place of my own, I had 2 options - intentionally marry a guy who had a house or move to the large city, make more money, save and come back to buy a place in my hometown. The difference in salaries was very significant.

As to why they didn’t want us near them - because they put our pictures all over the place and told their friends how cute their grandkids are and too bad they can’t spend time with them. They just really didn’t want to help with the grandkids, and if we lived nearby, their friends would have been quite judgmental for them not helping, since all of their friends were very active in their grandkids’ lives and it’s just culturally expected there. However, if we are not around, it’s a great excuse to focus on themselves 24 hours a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

Why is their age relevant?

You weren’t asking for “understanding” you were asking for emotional and physical labor.

Their ages are relevant because I didn't leave elderly, sick people behind when I moved abroad. When I moved away, my parents were still young and healthy. I did not for a moment think that they would get I'll so quickly.

As for my relatives, I didn't expect that much from them. But they could have at least checked on him regularly, or asked if he needed groceries, for example. Sadly those who did offer practical help when he first got sick gave up after a while.

Sadly you did not check on him regularly by phone or other methods, I guess? Or set up regular grocery deliveries? Both things you could have done from where you were.

OP here. I talked to my Dad on the phone 2 or 3 times per week. I called him or he called me. We kept in touch and we talked for long periods of time.

The thing is, my Dad would only tell me what he wanted me to hear. This was not malicious or anything - he didn want upset or worry me. After he passed I found out certain things he hadn't told me. The fact that he'd had a seizure in the grocery store and in the bank, for instance.
The reason I was hoping that my relatives would check on him is that they would have been able to assess the real situation as opposed to the picture my Dad painted when he talked to me.

Then you should have called your relative, explained the situation and your concerns, ask them to check on him, then update you about what needed to be done. Then you send a gift in thanks to acknowledge they went out of their way for you and your dad and to make it easier for you to ask again in the future.

Why didn’t you do that? Simple enough.

This. She wanted these things magically to happen.

Do you really think my relatives didn't know about my father's situation, and mine? Of course they did. Some of them (both on his and Mom's side of the family) went to see Dad in hospital. One uncle and his wife initially did some grocery shopping for my Dad, after he'd been discharged from hospital, but that soon stopped. People got tired of being relied upon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

Why is their age relevant?

You weren’t asking for “understanding” you were asking for emotional and physical labor.

Their ages are relevant because I didn't leave elderly, sick people behind when I moved abroad. When I moved away, my parents were still young and healthy. I did not for a moment think that they would get I'll so quickly.

As for my relatives, I didn't expect that much from them. But they could have at least checked on him regularly, or asked if he needed groceries, for example. Sadly those who did offer practical help when he first got sick gave up after a while.

Sadly you did not check on him regularly by phone or other methods, I guess? Or set up regular grocery deliveries? Both things you could have done from where you were.

OP here. I talked to my Dad on the phone 2 or 3 times per week. I called him or he called me. We kept in touch and we talked for long periods of time.

The thing is, my Dad would only tell me what he wanted me to hear. This was not malicious or anything - he didn want upset or worry me. After he passed I found out certain things he hadn't told me. The fact that he'd had a seizure in the grocery store and in the bank, for instance.
The reason I was hoping that my relatives would check on him is that they would have been able to assess the real situation as opposed to the picture my Dad painted when he talked to me.

Then you should have called your relative, explained the situation and your concerns, ask them to check on him, then update you about what needed to be done. Then you send a gift in thanks to acknowledge they went out of their way for you and your dad and to make it easier for you to ask again in the future.

Why didn’t you do that? Simple enough.

This. She wanted these things magically to happen.

Do you really think my relatives didn't know about my father's situation, and mine? Of course they did. Some of them (both on his and Mom's side of the family) went to see Dad in hospital. One uncle and his wife initially did some grocery shopping for my Dad, after he'd been discharged from hospital, but that soon stopped. People got tired of being relied upon.

Yes, unfortunately most people are pretty selfish OP. Or pretty busy with their own nuclear families even if not pretty selfish. So you thrown money at the problem (I live abroad and I do Instacart and amazon fresh deliveries for my parents, maybe that wasn't possible for you since they died many years ago.) But I just don't get why you want to relitigate this on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.
Perhaps I put too much emphasis in my posts on what my relatives didn't, wouldn't or couldn't do. But I do find their attitude annoying. When life is good, they're great, they're fun. When life sucks, they seem to close ranks.

My Dad has been dead for several years now.

There is a reason I came on here. A couple months ago something bad happened to me and DH. A major event, something that one would normally tell family. We are both healthy and have jobs, but it was major and bad nonetheless. It is not money-related.

I texted Mom's siblings to let them know what happened. I did not ask for help because there is nothing they could have done.
One aunt & uncle didn't even reply. The other did, but they didn't acknowledge and texted about the nice things in their life instead. And how busy they are. My cousin, their daughter, didn't reply, even though recently I have shown a lot of interest in her pregnancy and her baby due in 2 months.

It just brought back memories of the time when Dad was ill and how they could have shown more empathy.

OP, I am an only child who moved overseas and was raised by a very abusive woman. I don't know my bio dad and don't care. In a way, I get what you mean by feeling adrift but I am also quite cynical and don't necessarily romanticize having an extended family (or any family at all). I no longer have any contact with the woman who raised me as it isn't a healthy relationship for me to maintain. You honestly remind me of her in the sense that you want a lot of contact and bonding but are actually alienating them with your neediness. You have said it yourself, they couldn't help you. If I had gotten your text, my first thought would have been "Why is she sending me this? What does this have to do with me?" You sound like you want their attention even though you resent that they didn't help your dad. I think you have a lot to unpack and work on your interpersonal skills.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am an only child who moved overseas and was raised by a very abusive woman. I don't know my bio dad and don't care. In a way, I get what you mean by feeling adrift but I am also quite cynical and don't necessarily romanticize having an extended family (or any family at all). I no longer have any contact with the woman who raised me as it isn't a healthy relationship for me to maintain. You honestly remind me of her in the sense that you want a lot of contact and bonding but are actually alienating them with your neediness. You have said it yourself, they couldn't help you. If I had gotten your text, my first thought would have been "Why is she sending me this? What does this have to do with me?" You sound like you want their attention even though you resent that they didn't help your dad. I think you have a lot to unpack and work on your interpersonal skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.
Perhaps I put too much emphasis in my posts on what my relatives didn't, wouldn't or couldn't do. But I do find their attitude annoying. When life is good, they're great, they're fun. When life sucks, they seem to close ranks.

My Dad has been dead for several years now.

There is a reason I came on here. A couple months ago something bad happened to me and DH. A major event, something that one would normally tell family. We are both healthy and have jobs, but it was major and bad nonetheless. It is not money-related.

I texted Mom's siblings to let them know what happened. I did not ask for help because there is nothing they could have done.
One aunt & uncle didn't even reply. The other did, but they didn't acknowledge and texted about the nice things in their life instead. And how busy they are. My cousin, their daughter, didn't reply, even though recently I have shown a lot of interest in her pregnancy and her baby due in 2 months.

It just brought back memories of the time when Dad was ill and how they could have shown more empathy.

You are mourning the family you do not have. They would not be empathetic if you lived across the street. Living in a different country accentuates that, but it doesn’t change who they are. You learned who they were when your parents were ill. As Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

I am sorry you and your DH experienced an awful event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an only child who moved overseas and was raised by a very abusive woman. I don't know my bio dad and don't care. In a way, I get what you mean by feeling adrift but I am also quite cynical and don't necessarily romanticize having an extended family (or any family at all). I no longer have any contact with the woman who raised me as it isn't a healthy relationship for me to maintain. You honestly remind me of her in the sense that you want a lot of contact and bonding but are actually alienating them with your neediness. You have said it yourself, they couldn't help you. If I had gotten your text, my first thought would have been "Why is she sending me this? What does this have to do with me?" You sound like you want their attention even though you resent that they didn't help your dad. I think you have a lot to unpack and work on your interpersonal skills.

OP here. I texted 2 uncles and their wives and 1 cousin about our misfortune. The event that happened to us was major and very stressful. It made headlines in our local community. It was an incident that one would normally tell family about, usually parents and siblings first.
Given that my parents are dead and I don't have siblings, I informed my next closest family, i.e. aunts, uncles, cousin (Mom's side of the family).
It not weird that I texted them. It's weird that they didn't reply or acknowledge what had happened. It's not what I would call 'normal'.

I may have moved overseas a long time ago, but I still consider myself to be a valid member of our family. Or do you believe in 'out of sight, out of mind'?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an only child who moved overseas and was raised by a very abusive woman. I don't know my bio dad and don't care. In a way, I get what you mean by feeling adrift but I am also quite cynical and don't necessarily romanticize having an extended family (or any family at all). I no longer have any contact with the woman who raised me as it isn't a healthy relationship for me to maintain. You honestly remind me of her in the sense that you want a lot of contact and bonding but are actually alienating them with your neediness. You have said it yourself, they couldn't help you. If I had gotten your text, my first thought would have been "Why is she sending me this? What does this have to do with me?" You sound like you want their attention even though you resent that they didn't help your dad. I think you have a lot to unpack and work on your interpersonal skills.

OP here. I texted 2 uncles and their wives and 1 cousin about our misfortune. The event that happened to us was major and very stressful. It made headlines in our local community. It was an incident that one would normally tell family about, usually parents and siblings first.
Given that my parents are dead and I don't have siblings, I informed my next closest family, i.e. aunts, uncles, cousin (Mom's side of the family).
It not weird that I texted them. It's weird that they didn't reply or acknowledge what had happened. It's not what I would call 'normal'.

I may have moved overseas a long time ago, but I still consider myself to be a valid member of our family. Or do you believe in 'out of sight, out of mind'?

What was the misfortune. Then we can better understand what family's deal is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an only child who moved overseas and was raised by a very abusive woman. I don't know my bio dad and don't care. In a way, I get what you mean by feeling adrift but I am also quite cynical and don't necessarily romanticize having an extended family (or any family at all). I no longer have any contact with the woman who raised me as it isn't a healthy relationship for me to maintain. You honestly remind me of her in the sense that you want a lot of contact and bonding but are actually alienating them with your neediness. You have said it yourself, they couldn't help you. If I had gotten your text, my first thought would have been "Why is she sending me this? What does this have to do with me?" You sound like you want their attention even though you resent that they didn't help your dad. I think you have a lot to unpack and work on your interpersonal skills.

OP here. I texted 2 uncles and their wives and 1 cousin about our misfortune. The event that happened to us was major and very stressful. It made headlines in our local community. It was an incident that one would normally tell family about, usually parents and siblings first.
Given that my parents are dead and I don't have siblings, I informed my next closest family, i.e. aunts, uncles, cousin (Mom's side of the family).
It not weird that I texted them. It's weird that they didn't reply or acknowledge what had happened. It's not what I would call 'normal'.

I may have moved overseas a long time ago, but I still consider myself to be a valid member of our family. Or do you believe in 'out of sight, out of mind'?

What was the misfortune. Then we can better understand what family's deal is

To me, it sounds like a natural disaster or maybe a terrorist attack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an only child who moved overseas and was raised by a very abusive woman. I don't know my bio dad and don't care. In a way, I get what you mean by feeling adrift but I am also quite cynical and don't necessarily romanticize having an extended family (or any family at all). I no longer have any contact with the woman who raised me as it isn't a healthy relationship for me to maintain. You honestly remind me of her in the sense that you want a lot of contact and bonding but are actually alienating them with your neediness. You have said it yourself, they couldn't help you. If I had gotten your text, my first thought would have been "Why is she sending me this? What does this have to do with me?" You sound like you want their attention even though you resent that they didn't help your dad. I think you have a lot to unpack and work on your interpersonal skills.

OP here. I texted 2 uncles and their wives and 1 cousin about our misfortune. The event that happened to us was major and very stressful. It made headlines in our local community. It was an incident that one would normally tell family about, usually parents and siblings first.
Given that my parents are dead and I don't have siblings, I informed my next closest family, i.e. aunts, uncles, cousin (Mom's side of the family).
It not weird that I texted them. It's weird that they didn't reply or acknowledge what had happened. It's not what I would call 'normal'.

I may have moved overseas a long time ago, but I still consider myself to be a valid member of our family. Or do you believe in 'out of sight, out of mind'?

What was the misfortune. Then we can better understand what family's deal is

It was a natural disaster that affected our local community. In the middle of a pandemic. DH and I are healthy and uninjured and we still have our jobs so I guess that's the main thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an only child who moved overseas and was raised by a very abusive woman. I don't know my bio dad and don't care. In a way, I get what you mean by feeling adrift but I am also quite cynical and don't necessarily romanticize having an extended family (or any family at all). I no longer have any contact with the woman who raised me as it isn't a healthy relationship for me to maintain. You honestly remind me of her in the sense that you want a lot of contact and bonding but are actually alienating them with your neediness. You have said it yourself, they couldn't help you. If I had gotten your text, my first thought would have been "Why is she sending me this? What does this have to do with me?" You sound like you want their attention even though you resent that they didn't help your dad. I think you have a lot to unpack and work on your interpersonal skills.

OP here. I texted 2 uncles and their wives and 1 cousin about our misfortune. The event that happened to us was major and very stressful. It made headlines in our local community. It was an incident that one would normally tell family about, usually parents and siblings first.
Given that my parents are dead and I don't have siblings, I informed my next closest family, i.e. aunts, uncles, cousin (Mom's side of the family).
It not weird that I texted them. It's weird that they didn't reply or acknowledge what had happened. It's not what I would call 'normal'.

I may have moved overseas a long time ago, but I still consider myself to be a valid member of our family. Or do you believe in 'out of sight, out of mind'?

What was the misfortune. Then we can better understand what family's deal is

It was a natural disaster that affected our local community. In the middle of a pandemic. DH and I are healthy and uninjured and we still have our jobs so I guess that's the main thing.

Op, you've been given so much good advice on this thread, and you just want to ignore it and dwell in your own misfortune. Were your relatives sucky to their own relative (your dad?) Absolutely. Could they have been more responsive to you? Sure. But this happened 7 years ago, and rather than accept that they are flawed individuals and either i) keep the relationship going and recognizing they're flawed or ii) cutting them out of your life, you continue to whine on this thread. Get some professional help to talk these issues through, as about a dozen of these posts have suggested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an only child who moved overseas and was raised by a very abusive woman. I don't know my bio dad and don't care. In a way, I get what you mean by feeling adrift but I am also quite cynical and don't necessarily romanticize having an extended family (or any family at all). I no longer have any contact with the woman who raised me as it isn't a healthy relationship for me to maintain. You honestly remind me of her in the sense that you want a lot of contact and bonding but are actually alienating them with your neediness. You have said it yourself, they couldn't help you. If I had gotten your text, my first thought would have been "Why is she sending me this? What does this have to do with me?" You sound like you want their attention even though you resent that they didn't help your dad. I think you have a lot to unpack and work on your interpersonal skills.

OP here. I texted 2 uncles and their wives and 1 cousin about our misfortune. The event that happened to us was major and very stressful. It made headlines in our local community. It was an incident that one would normally tell family about, usually parents and siblings first.
Given that my parents are dead and I don't have siblings, I informed my next closest family, i.e. aunts, uncles, cousin (Mom's side of the family).
It not weird that I texted them. It's weird that they didn't reply or acknowledge what had happened. It's not what I would call 'normal'.

I may have moved overseas a long time ago, but I still consider myself to be a valid member of our family. Or do you believe in 'out of sight, out of mind'?

I think you feel hurt because they didn’t seem to care or acknowledge you. But unless you contribute to their well-being and vice versa, why would they care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an only child who moved overseas and was raised by a very abusive woman. I don't know my bio dad and don't care. In a way, I get what you mean by feeling adrift but I am also quite cynical and don't necessarily romanticize having an extended family (or any family at all). I no longer have any contact with the woman who raised me as it isn't a healthy relationship for me to maintain. You honestly remind me of her in the sense that you want a lot of contact and bonding but are actually alienating them with your neediness. You have said it yourself, they couldn't help you. If I had gotten your text, my first thought would have been "Why is she sending me this? What does this have to do with me?" You sound like you want their attention even though you resent that they didn't help your dad. I think you have a lot to unpack and work on your interpersonal skills.

OP here. I texted 2 uncles and their wives and 1 cousin about our misfortune. The event that happened to us was major and very stressful. It made headlines in our local community. It was an incident that one would normally tell family about, usually parents and siblings first.
Given that my parents are dead and I don't have siblings, I informed my next closest family, i.e. aunts, uncles, cousin (Mom's side of the family).
It not weird that I texted them. It's weird that they didn't reply or acknowledge what had happened. It's not what I would call 'normal'.

I may have moved overseas a long time ago, but I still consider myself to be a valid member of our family. Or do you believe in 'out of sight, out of mind'?

I think you feel hurt because they didn’t seem to care or acknowledge you. But unless you contribute to their well-being and vice versa, why would they care?

Erm, in my world it would be normal to care about a relative when a freak event has happened and half their house was destroyed ....

Even a short reply along the lines of 'so sorry to hear about this, we hope you're both OK and we're thinking of you' would have sufficed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an only child who moved overseas and was raised by a very abusive woman. I don't know my bio dad and don't care. In a way, I get what you mean by feeling adrift but I am also quite cynical and don't necessarily romanticize having an extended family (or any family at all). I no longer have any contact with the woman who raised me as it isn't a healthy relationship for me to maintain. You honestly remind me of her in the sense that you want a lot of contact and bonding but are actually alienating them with your neediness. You have said it yourself, they couldn't help you. If I had gotten your text, my first thought would have been "Why is she sending me this? What does this have to do with me?" You sound like you want their attention even though you resent that they didn't help your dad. I think you have a lot to unpack and work on your interpersonal skills.

OP here. I texted 2 uncles and their wives and 1 cousin about our misfortune. The event that happened to us was major and very stressful. It made headlines in our local community. It was an incident that one would normally tell family about, usually parents and siblings first.
Given that my parents are dead and I don't have siblings, I informed my next closest family, i.e. aunts, uncles, cousin (Mom's side of the family).
It not weird that I texted them. It's weird that they didn't reply or acknowledge what had happened. It's not what I would call 'normal'.

I may have moved overseas a long time ago, but I still consider myself to be a valid member of our family. Or do you believe in 'out of sight, out of mind'?

I think you feel hurt because they didn’t seem to care or acknowledge you. But unless you contribute to their well-being and vice versa, why would they care?

Erm, in my world it would be normal to care about a relative when a freak event has happened and half their house was destroyed ....

Even a short reply along the lines of 'so sorry to hear about this, we hope you're both OK and we're thinking of you' would have sufficed.

Personally, I wouldn’t care unless it’s someone I’m close with- relative or not. Just because you share DNA, doesn’t mean anything.