Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?

[Anonymous]

I'm an only child.

I moved abroad when I was in my 20s. This was no last-minute decision. I had been planning this for years. I found my hometown and my life too conservative and boring and I wanted an adventure.
Met a man in my adopted country and married him. I'm still married to the same man and we still live in his country.

What I did not plan for was the following: Mom passed away after a short illness nearly 4 years after I left. Dad stayed single. Then, a couple years later, Dad got sick. He was sick for about 3 years, with various complications. He too passed away

When Dad was sick DH and I did our best to visit and help Dad as often as we could. Sometimes it was difficult to visit because of our jobs, and because of the fact we lived in a different country.

All this time we received very little help from family who lived in the same small town as my Dad (my hometown). Some close relatives on Mom's side of the family actually lived around the corner. Most local family lived no more than a 10-minute ride away. Some did offer support and practical help at first, but that quickly faded away.

My whole family knew well that I lived abroad and that I couldn't come home every 5 minutes, yet no one offered me any emotional support, and everyone thought I should just deal with it.
I organized the appropriate care for Dad, and a cleaner. However none of the relatives ever took him to a hospital or doctor's appointment, to the barber, the grocery store, etc. A neighbor, and one of Dad's old friends did.

If I could turn back time, knowing what I know now, I probably wouldn't have moved abroad.

The lack of support from family still leaves a bitter taste.

So, is it selfish to move away when you have no siblings?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think anyone in your story did anything wrong (you’re entitled to your life!) but it’s obnoxious of you to wanted family to take over the job you wouldn’t do. And if it’s a competition you were clearly more selfish than more distant relatives who didn’t step up to play caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Did you ask them to help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone in your story did anything wrong (you’re entitled to your life!) but it’s obnoxious of you to wanted family to take over the job you wouldn’t do. And if it’s a competition you were clearly more selfish than more distant relatives who didn’t step up to play caregiver.

OP here. DH and I did whatever we could to help my Dad. Being a caregiver is hard when you're in a different country from the person who needs the care.

What was I meant to do? Leave my husband, my home and my job abroad and move back in with Dad? It's not that simple.
I made the decision to move abroad when I was 27. Little did I know that my parents would get sick and die so quickly.

Of course I didn't expect my family to take over the bulk of the care. But they wouldn't even go check on him, or pick up the phone to ask if he needed anything.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure your mom’s family felt that they needed to care for your dad. That kind of makes sense to me if your dad wasn’t close to them.

I don’t think you’re necessarily selfish for moving away, but you can see how there are challenges when families are far flung. You are prioritizing your career and life abroad over your elderly parents, which is okay but obviously makes for difficulty caring for them. If you had siblings, it would be just as “selfish” because you would expect your siblings to do it all because of your location.

As a parent of an only, we are planning to be as financially independent as possible, but it will be very tough if I predecease my husband as we are much closer to my siblings and I have a broader network of friends in my support network.

[Anonymous]

This is certainly a consideration to moving abroad. In general you will see your nuclear family less, even if you have siblings. Just because time and distance make it harder. That's just a fact you have to emotionally deal with.

But sticking around for the sole purpose of being around to help someone decline and die seems like a bad reason to not move to another country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you ask them to help?

No, I didn't literally ask for help, but I made it clear to them how hard it was for my Dad and for me.

Some relatives were understanding but didn't offer practical help, others set boundaries from the start and said they could do x but not y or z.

In the end, the person who offered most help was a neighbor.

I would also like to say that some relatives found my Dad quite 'difficult' or 'needy', but I think that was because of his change in behaviour after he'd had a series of mini strokes (TIAs).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone in your story did anything wrong (you’re entitled to your life!) but it’s obnoxious of you to wanted family to take over the job you wouldn’t do. And if it’s a competition you were clearly more selfish than more distant relatives who didn’t step up to play caregiver.

OP here. DH and I did whatever we could to help my Dad. Being a caregiver is hard when you're in a different country from the person who needs the care.

What was I meant to do? Leave my husband, my home and my job abroad and move back in with Dad? It's not that simple.
I made the decision to move abroad when I was 27. Little did I know that my parents would get sick and die so quickly.

Of course I didn't expect my family to take over the bulk of the care. But they wouldn't even go check on him, or pick up the phone to ask if he needed anything.

Yes, you could have moved home to care for him, or moved him to care for him. You set your own boundaries. So did they. They did nothing wrong. Likewise you made your choices.

[Anonymous]

You are conflating a lot of unrelated issues. For example this has nothing to do with your being an only child: would the situation have been somehow better if you had a sibling? How? What if that person wanted to move away? Would it be different if you were in the U.S. but a 5 hour flight away? How?

Bottom line is that you weren't there for your parents when they were ill. That sucks for everyone. It doesn't necessarily mean you made wrong choices: people need to live their lives. People move away from home all the time: sometimes we regret it and sometimes it was still the right choice despite regrets. Sometimes you can live next door and still not be home at the crucial moment.

I'm glad your parents had a network of friends and neighbors who helped. Kids are not a substitute for other relationships, or for a social safety net.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone in your story did anything wrong (you’re entitled to your life!) but it’s obnoxious of you to wanted family to take over the job you wouldn’t do. And if it’s a competition you were clearly more selfish than more distant relatives who didn’t step up to play caregiver.

OP here. DH and I did whatever we could to help my Dad. Being a caregiver is hard when you're in a different country from the person who needs the care.

What was I meant to do? Leave my husband, my home and my job abroad and move back in with Dad? It's not that simple.
I made the decision to move abroad when I was 27. Little did I know that my parents would get sick and die so quickly.

Of course I didn't expect my family to take over the bulk of the care. But they wouldn't even go check on him, or pick up the phone to ask if he needed anything.

np you sound judgmental when you have no idea how your family members lives were when you parents were sick. Did you ever ask if they were ok? Maybe they were overwhelmed with what they had to do in their lives.
If you think your decision isn't simple why do you assume everyone else's decision to do or not to do simple?

[Anonymous]

OP, whether it's 10min or 10 hours, it's not fair for you to expect your cousins/relatives to care for your aging parents.

Both my DH and I ended up moving very far from our parents. Luckily, we both have siblings who are able to be there for the aging parents. Even if we did not have any siblings, our parents live in two different continens and they are about the same age. We wouldn't be able to be there for at least one side of the parents. We also have kids, so we really can't just pickup and move that easily, especially to another continent.

[Anonymous]

You could have organized help for your parents. Just expecting others to do so is selfish. Stop blaming your relatives.

[Anonymous]

This was a big factor in our choice to have more than one child. We are both onlies and will have decades of responsibility for our parents to handle solo. Did not want that for my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ask them to help?

No, I didn't literally ask for help, but I made it clear to them how hard it was for my Dad and for me.

Some relatives were understanding but didn't offer practical help, others set boundaries from the start and said they could do x but not y or z.

In the end, the person who offered most help was a neighbor.

I would also like to say that some relatives found my Dad quite 'difficult' or 'needy', but I think that was because of his change in behaviour after he'd had a series of mini strokes (TIAs).

Sometimes, having nonfamily members help out is the easiest. There is no expectation or grudges. And hire a lot of help.

The loneliness is the worst part, though. Can't really hire help for that.