Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an only child who moved overseas and was raised by a very abusive woman. I don't know my bio dad and don't care. In a way, I get what you mean by feeling adrift but I am also quite cynical and don't necessarily romanticize having an extended family (or any family at all). I no longer have any contact with the woman who raised me as it isn't a healthy relationship for me to maintain. You honestly remind me of her in the sense that you want a lot of contact and bonding but are actually alienating them with your neediness. You have said it yourself, they couldn't help you. If I had gotten your text, my first thought would have been "Why is she sending me this? What does this have to do with me?" You sound like you want their attention even though you resent that they didn't help your dad. I think you have a lot to unpack and work on your interpersonal skills.

OP here. I texted 2 uncles and their wives and 1 cousin about our misfortune. The event that happened to us was major and very stressful. It made headlines in our local community. It was an incident that one would normally tell family about, usually parents and siblings first.
Given that my parents are dead and I don't have siblings, I informed my next closest family, i.e. aunts, uncles, cousin (Mom's side of the family).
It not weird that I texted them. It's weird that they didn't reply or acknowledge what had happened. It's not what I would call 'normal'.

I may have moved overseas a long time ago, but I still consider myself to be a valid member of our family. Or do you believe in 'out of sight, out of mind'?

I think you feel hurt because they didn’t seem to care or acknowledge you. But unless you contribute to their well-being and vice versa, why would they care?

Erm, in my world it would be normal to care about a relative when a freak event has happened and half their house was destroyed ....

Even a short reply along the lines of 'so sorry to hear about this, we hope you're both OK and we're thinking of you' would have sufficed.

Yes, they don't care that much about you. Or they're bad at texting. But either way, time to move on OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an only child who moved overseas and was raised by a very abusive woman. I don't know my bio dad and don't care. In a way, I get what you mean by feeling adrift but I am also quite cynical and don't necessarily romanticize having an extended family (or any family at all). I no longer have any contact with the woman who raised me as it isn't a healthy relationship for me to maintain. You honestly remind me of her in the sense that you want a lot of contact and bonding but are actually alienating them with your neediness. You have said it yourself, they couldn't help you. If I had gotten your text, my first thought would have been "Why is she sending me this? What does this have to do with me?" You sound like you want their attention even though you resent that they didn't help your dad. I think you have a lot to unpack and work on your interpersonal skills.

OP here. I texted 2 uncles and their wives and 1 cousin about our misfortune. The event that happened to us was major and very stressful. It made headlines in our local community. It was an incident that one would normally tell family about, usually parents and siblings first.
Given that my parents are dead and I don't have siblings, I informed my next closest family, i.e. aunts, uncles, cousin (Mom's side of the family).
It not weird that I texted them. It's weird that they didn't reply or acknowledge what had happened. It's not what I would call 'normal'.

I may have moved overseas a long time ago, but I still consider myself to be a valid member of our family. Or do you believe in 'out of sight, out of mind'?

What was the misfortune. Then we can better understand what family's deal is

It was a natural disaster that affected our local community. In the middle of a pandemic. DH and I are healthy and uninjured and we still have our jobs so I guess that's the main thing.

Did it affect YOU? Or did you use as excuse to get a response?

Example, hurricane in Miami, you live in Miami, you're fine house fine.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your losses, OP. This happened to you very young. This board is not the best place to find support, though, since many people here have made huge sacrifices to care for their elderly parents. Many of the things you say were impossible, such as moving or finding a new job, are things people on this board have done.

[Anonymous]

You moved far, far away. You reached out to them to get favors. Now they avoid you. Just move on mentally with your new life. You already moved on geographically. That was your choice. Just leave it be. Mail holiday cards to keep some flame alive but that's it.

[Anonymous]

OP is an attention seeking person and quite a difficult personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

You are way out of bounds. And very selfish. You moved to another country and then you expected relatives of your mother to take care of your father instead of you? That’s just bizarre.

[Anonymous]

The reason your relatives stopped helping is because your dad had YOU. Why should they be there in-person for their relative when his own daughter would not? Think about it.

[Anonymous]

No it’s not selfish. I have an only child and do not expect my child to take care of me. That is what long term care and assisted living is for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an only child who moved overseas and was raised by a very abusive woman. I don't know my bio dad and don't care. In a way, I get what you mean by feeling adrift but I am also quite cynical and don't necessarily romanticize having an extended family (or any family at all). I no longer have any contact with the woman who raised me as it isn't a healthy relationship for me to maintain. You honestly remind me of her in the sense that you want a lot of contact and bonding but are actually alienating them with your neediness. You have said it yourself, they couldn't help you. If I had gotten your text, my first thought would have been "Why is she sending me this? What does this have to do with me?" You sound like you want their attention even though you resent that they didn't help your dad. I think you have a lot to unpack and work on your interpersonal skills.

OP here. I texted 2 uncles and their wives and 1 cousin about our misfortune. The event that happened to us was major and very stressful. It made headlines in our local community. It was an incident that one would normally tell family about, usually parents and siblings first.
Given that my parents are dead and I don't have siblings, I informed my next closest family, i.e. aunts, uncles, cousin (Mom's side of the family).
It not weird that I texted them. It's weird that they didn't reply or acknowledge what had happened. It's not what I would call 'normal'.

I may have moved overseas a long time ago, but I still consider myself to be a valid member of our family. Or do you believe in 'out of sight, out of mind'?

What was the misfortune. Then we can better understand what family's deal is

It was a natural disaster that affected our local community. In the middle of a pandemic. DH and I are healthy and uninjured and we still have our jobs so I guess that's the main thing.

Did it affect YOU? Or did you use as excuse to get a response?

Example, hurricane in Miami, you live in Miami, you're fine house fine.

Yes, it affected us directly. We were fine and uninjured but half our house was destroyed. Our house was uninhabitable. It's being repaired but it will take time. We're not the only people in the area who were affected by this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason your relatives stopped helping is because your dad had YOU. Why should they be there in-person for their relative when his own daughter would not? Think about it.

Yes, my Dad had me. But, unfortunately I don't possess the magic powers to clone myself and live in 2 countries at the same time ...

Please read what I said earlier. My Dad was good at 'hiding' things from me. He only told me what he wanted me to know. I didn't know he'd been taken to hospital one day until his neighbor called me on the phone. Dad had specifically asked her NOT to tell me. Neighbor said she couldn't keep this from me.

Of course he loved it when I visited and looked after him. But he never wanted me to uproot and separate from my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is an attention seeking person and quite a difficult personality.

OP here. Attention seeking? That's debatable. It's what you're making it mean.
Difficult personality? Perhaps, under stressful circumstances. I was merely reaching out for help at the time.

My relatives are not 100% perfect either. My Mom's only sister didn't even visit Mom in hospital, at home or at the hospice when she knew she was dying. Do you think this is normal? I certainly don't.
Dad and I were at my Mom's bedside. Mom's siblings weren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is an attention seeking person and quite a difficult personality.

OP here. Attention seeking? That's debatable. It's what you're making it mean.
Difficult personality? Perhaps, under stressful circumstances. I was merely reaching out for help at the time.

My relatives are not 100% perfect either. My Mom's only sister didn't even visit Mom in hospital, at home or at the hospice when she knew she was dying. Do you think this is normal? I certainly don't.
Dad and I were at my Mom's bedside. Mom's siblings weren't.

I think some families do as you expected and some families do as you experienced. It is just the nature of families.

You are mourning your family’s current loss and mourning the fact that you do not have an extended family (that acts in the way you expected).

You may benefit from a few sessions with a grief counselor to help you reframe your experience and allow you to move on. It is okay to feel sad that things are the way they are and not the way you want them to be. Your parent’s families will not change and you cannot control that. You can only control how you react.

FWIW, I had a similar need to reframe my outlook with my family relationship when I was raising my children who have ASD and LDs. They were never on the same page as us. I learned to accept the relationship they were willing to give. I mourned the relationship I thought we had,but in time it hurt less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is an attention seeking person and quite a difficult personality.

OP here. Attention seeking? That's debatable. It's what you're making it mean.
Difficult personality? Perhaps, under stressful circumstances. I was merely reaching out for help at the time.

My relatives are not 100% perfect either. My Mom's only sister didn't even visit Mom in hospital, at home or at the hospice when she knew she was dying. Do you think this is normal? I certainly don't.
Dad and I were at my Mom's bedside. Mom's siblings weren't.

I think some families do as you expected and some families do as you experienced. It is just the nature of families.

You are mourning your family’s current loss and mourning the fact that you do not have an extended family (that acts in the way you expected).

You may benefit from a few sessions with a grief counselor to help you reframe your experience and allow you to move on. It is okay to feel sad that things are the way they are and not the way you want them to be. Your parent’s families will not change and you cannot control that. You can only control how you react.

FWIW, I had a similar need to reframe my outlook with my family relationship when I was raising my children who have ASD and LDs. They were never on the same page as us. I learned to accept the relationship they were willing to give. I mourned the relationship I thought we had,but in time it hurt less.

Thanks for your input. I may try a grief counselor. My DH had already said that I am 'angry with the world' as he calls it. Perhaps that is it.
I've never had therapy or counselling in my life. Not sure what to expect, but I may give it a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am an only child who moved overseas and was raised by a very abusive woman. I don't know my bio dad and don't care. In a way, I get what you mean by feeling adrift but I am also quite cynical and don't necessarily romanticize having an extended family (or any family at all). I no longer have any contact with the woman who raised me as it isn't a healthy relationship for me to maintain. You honestly remind me of her in the sense that you want a lot of contact and bonding but are actually alienating them with your neediness. You have said it yourself, they couldn't help you. If I had gotten your text, my first thought would have been "Why is she sending me this? What does this have to do with me?" You sound like you want their attention even though you resent that they didn't help your dad. I think you have a lot to unpack and work on your interpersonal skills.

OP here. I texted 2 uncles and their wives and 1 cousin about our misfortune. The event that happened to us was major and very stressful. It made headlines in our local community. It was an incident that one would normally tell family about, usually parents and siblings first.
Given that my parents are dead and I don't have siblings, I informed my next closest family, i.e. aunts, uncles, cousin (Mom's side of the family).
It not weird that I texted them. It's weird that they didn't reply or acknowledge what had happened. It's not what I would call 'normal'.

I may have moved overseas a long time ago, but I still consider myself to be a valid member of our family. Or do you believe in 'out of sight, out of mind'?

What was the misfortune. Then we can better understand what family's deal is

It was a natural disaster that affected our local community. In the middle of a pandemic. DH and I are healthy and uninjured and we still have our jobs so I guess that's the main thing.

Did it affect YOU? Or did you use as excuse to get a response?

Example, hurricane in Miami, you live in Miami, you're fine house fine.

Yes, it affected us directly. We were fine and uninjured but half our house was destroyed. Our house was uninhabitable. It's being repaired but it will take time. We're not the only people in the area who were affected by this.

Ok, so you had weather event maybe that caused some damage to your home. And your relatives who you moved away from and never see, and who you asked to care for your parents, are grudgey and don't care.

Look, family is blood relation. It's not your friends, it's not free help unless they feel like helping. Send them holiday cards, but look to FRIENDS for support. Not DNA sharers

[Anonymous]

Family is family. Family is not same as friends. Often, family is not substitute for support system. You thought they were your support system from afar overseas, but they are not. This is a realization for you, and you should refocus energy on building your tribe.