Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?

[Anonymous]

You clearly are only looking for validation for your choices and not honest feedback. It was not selfish to move away, you are allowed to live your life. But you are out of line if you expect other people to fill in for you so that you don’t have to deal with the guilt of leaving your parents. Those other family members who lived nearby were under zero obligation to disrupt their lives to care for your father when you weren’t there. And what kind of ‘emotional support’ were you looking for? They probably resented that you got to live your day to day life on the other side of the world and yet expected them to entertain your stubborn.

You certainly could have left your husband and moved back for a couple of years, if brought him with you and left his family to care for his elderly parents. Why were you able to leave your ailing dad all alone but it’s unreasonable for your DH to leave his parents?

You weren’t selfish, but neither were the others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone in your story did anything wrong (you’re entitled to your life!) but it’s obnoxious of you to wanted family to take over the job you wouldn’t do. And if it’s a competition you were clearly more selfish than more distant relatives who didn’t step up to play caregiver.

OP here. DH and I did whatever we could to help my Dad. Being a caregiver is hard when you're in a different country from the person who needs the care.

What was I meant to do? Leave my husband, my home and my job abroad and move back in with Dad? It's not that simple.
I made the decision to move abroad when I was 27. Little did I know that my parents would get sick and die so quickly.

Of course I didn't expect my family to take over the bulk of the care. But they wouldn't even go check on him, or pick up the phone to ask if he needed anything.

Yes, you could have moved home to care for him, or moved him to care for him. You set your own boundaries. So did they. They did nothing wrong. Likewise you made your choices.

OP here. Moving back home to live with Dad was not an option. What about my job? My husband? DH had his own career and he didn't want leave his country. Also, his own parents (much older than mine) were ageing and his Dad wasn't in good health.

DH and I visited my Dad as often as we could, sometimes every other weekend. I once stayed with Dad for 7 weeks on unpaid leave when he was sick.

Moving Dad to live with us was no option either. Dad was very independent and could be quite stubborn. He didn't want to leave his house.

Yes, you COULD HAVE disrupted your and your DH’s and your children’s lives to do this. You understandably chose not to. You made your choices, which were reasonable. Your extended family made their own choices, which were reasonable. But for some reason you’re mad at them. I think it’s because you’re actually mad at yourself.

Disrupting my and DH's lives was not an option when we had a mortgage to pay. DH didn't want to leave his country. He will never leave his country.

Yes, I was mad at my relatives. They could have gone to check on my Dad. They could have phoned him to see how he was doing. Some relatives said they were 'busy. Coming back from abroad every weekend to look after Dad wasn't sustainable for me.

I guess I am also mad at myself. But when you're 27 and single, you don't think about the distant future. I took my chances and moved abroad. Bright lights big city and all that.

You seem to think you had no options but other people must have had options, right?

Why does your DH get to stay near his aging parents to help but you couldn't move to help your dad who became a widow?

I don't blame you for moving. Both DH and I moved far away from our parents.

People are saying you are being unreasonable in your expectations of others.

you seem to have some sense of entitlement about what others should be doing in your stead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are entitled to live wherever and however you want. However, you are not entitled to place your personal expectations of care on extended family members. This is also not an only child issue. I am an only and DH has several siblings. Some live close to their parents and some do not. While the responsibility may seem heavier on an only, there is often stress and resentment among large families since it is not possible to spread things equally. Unfortunately your dad also made choices that made things difficult for himself when he fired the aides. Everyone’s family dynamic is different but we all have to accept that choices also have consequences. Good ones and bad ones.

NP. I think that's fair. I have a sibling and moved abroad for two years and one of my parents got unexpectedly sick. With COVID-19 travel restrictions (and a general lack of interest in doing nursing), my US based sibling wasn't able to travel easily to help (and he's not really the caregiving type anyway) and I definitely was stuck where I was. I ended up on 3 a.m. calls in my time zone trying to talk to doctors and hospitals. When you move abroad you have to recognize that it's not going to be easy to provide elderly parents (or any other family members) care, but yes, throwing money at the problem can help (if your parent is willing to accept the help). In any case OP, move on. You can decide if you want to have the lack of actions of your extended family doom your future relationship, but you have to accept the fact that not all relatives are going to be that helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

Why is their age relevant?

You weren’t asking for “understanding” you were asking for emotional and physical labor.

NP. Their age would be relevant because if your 50/60 your old parent is in reasonably good health, one could reasonably predict that they would remain that way for another few years, as opposed to a 70/80 year old parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are entitled to live wherever and however you want. However, you are not entitled to place your personal expectations of care on extended family members. This is also not an only child issue. I am an only and DH has several siblings. Some live close to their parents and some do not. While the responsibility may seem heavier on an only, there is often stress and resentment among large families since it is not possible to spread things equally. Unfortunately your dad also made choices that made things difficult for himself when he fired the aides. Everyone’s family dynamic is different but we all have to accept that choices also have consequences. Good ones and bad ones.

NP. I think that's fair. I have a sibling and moved abroad for two years and one of my parents got unexpectedly sick. With COVID-19 travel restrictions (and a general lack of interest in doing nursing), my US based sibling wasn't able to travel easily to help (and he's not really the caregiving type anyway) and I definitely was stuck where I was. I ended up on 3 a.m. calls in my time zone trying to talk to doctors and hospitals. When you move abroad you have to recognize that it's not going to be easy to provide elderly parents (or any other family members) care, but yes, throwing money at the problem can help (if your parent is willing to accept the help). In any case OP, move on. You can decide if you want to have the lack of actions of your extended family doom your future relationship, but you have to accept the fact that not all relatives are going to be that helpful.

Same NP. I will say I'm grateful beyond words to a neighbor who helped get my parent to the hospital one day. We didn't know them well but they saw that my mom was sick and helped my dad get her there and checked up on both of them regularly and texted me if they saw any issues. There are really good people among us...it's too bad OP's relatives weren't more helpful for their own family member. OP could have returned the favor one day.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand what OP wants out of this thread.

OP, see a counselor or religious advisor about the guilt you feel. DCUM cannot absolve you. A lot of us live far from family. All these replies are saying you did nothing wrong, but that the consequences of your actions were yours to manage, as are your feelings about it.

[Anonymous]

OP, what you describe is the human condition. The fact that you refuse to accept that and continue to try to place blame on these relatives speak to some kind of denial.

What is the purpose of your post? To convince everyone that your relatives were horrible people? By your own admission, your dad was difficult to care for and sabotaged his own care (canceling aide). You only know what you're told. There might be plenty history between your relatives and your dad that you don't know and you're now biased against these relatives.

I'll give you grace and excuse this as your grief speaking. But you need to do a lot of self examination to figure out why you're placing disproportionate blames on others. Maybe you could extend some grace to your relatives too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you describe is the human condition. The fact that you refuse to accept that and continue to try to place blame on these relatives speak to some kind of denial.

What is the purpose of your post? To convince everyone that your relatives were horrible people? By your own admission, your dad was difficult to care for and sabotaged his own care (canceling aide). You only know what you're told. There might be plenty history between your relatives and your dad that you don't know and you're now biased against these relatives.

I'll give you grace and excuse this as your grief speaking. But you need to do a lot of self examination to figure out why you're placing disproportionate blames on others. Maybe you could extend some grace to your relatives too.

The purpose of my post? I am still hurting after all these years. I feel guilty. I don't feel guilty for moving abroad, I had my parents' full support. Neither they nor I knew that their health would decline so quickly.
I do feel guilty about not having been able to provide the care and support to both my parents that I would have if I had stayed. Sadly I cannot turn back the clock.

Some of you suggested that I could have moved back temporarily. Unfortunately that was not an option. DH and I had jobs and a mortgage to pay. DH would never have left his country and I don't think we could have lived apart. It wouldn't have worked.

I was mad at my relatives because to me, at the time, it felt as they didn't care much for my Dad who was THEIR relative too after all.

You say 'you only know what you are told. Very true. In fact both my Mom and Dad tried to 'protect' me when by not telling me everything. My Mom didn't even want my Dad to tell me she was terminally ill because it would disrupt our lives. And Dad relied on others when he was ill for the same reason.

I do not have a close relationship with my family, apart from the very elderly relatives who are now in their 90s. They always appreciate my calls and my visits. I hardly hear from the others. It is always me initiating contact or meet ups when I visit.
Frankly I fear my own old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you describe is the human condition. The fact that you refuse to accept that and continue to try to place blame on these relatives speak to some kind of denial.

What is the purpose of your post? To convince everyone that your relatives were horrible people? By your own admission, your dad was difficult to care for and sabotaged his own care (canceling aide). You only know what you're told. There might be plenty history between your relatives and your dad that you don't know and you're now biased against these relatives.

I'll give you grace and excuse this as your grief speaking. But you need to do a lot of self examination to figure out why you're placing disproportionate blames on others. Maybe you could extend some grace to your relatives too.

The purpose of my post? I am still hurting after all these years. I feel guilty. I don't feel guilty for moving abroad, I had my parents' full support. Neither they nor I knew that their health would decline so quickly.
I do feel guilty about not having been able to provide the care and support to both my parents that I would have if I had stayed. Sadly I cannot turn back the clock.

Some of you suggested that I could have moved back temporarily. Unfortunately that was not an option. DH and I had jobs and a mortgage to pay. DH would never have left his country and I don't think we could have lived apart. It wouldn't have worked.

I was mad at my relatives because to me, at the time, it felt as they didn't care much for my Dad who was THEIR relative too after all.

You say 'you only know what you are told. Very true. In fact both my Mom and Dad tried to 'protect' me when by not telling me everything. My Mom didn't even want my Dad to tell me she was terminally ill because it would disrupt our lives. And Dad relied on others when he was ill for the same reason.

I do not have a close relationship with my family, apart from the very elderly relatives who are now in their 90s. They always appreciate my calls and my visits. I hardly hear from the others. It is always me initiating contact or meet ups when I visit.
Frankly I fear my own old age.

OP, I think you could benefit from talking to a professional about your guilt and resentment. It's clearly still eating at you after time has passed, and maybe they can help you move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you describe is the human condition. The fact that you refuse to accept that and continue to try to place blame on these relatives speak to some kind of denial.

What is the purpose of your post? To convince everyone that your relatives were horrible people? By your own admission, your dad was difficult to care for and sabotaged his own care (canceling aide). You only know what you're told. There might be plenty history between your relatives and your dad that you don't know and you're now biased against these relatives.

I'll give you grace and excuse this as your grief speaking. But you need to do a lot of self examination to figure out why you're placing disproportionate blames on others. Maybe you could extend some grace to your relatives too.

The purpose of my post? I am still hurting after all these years. I feel guilty. I don't feel guilty for moving abroad, I had my parents' full support. Neither they nor I knew that their health would decline so quickly.
I do feel guilty about not having been able to provide the care and support to both my parents that I would have if I had stayed. Sadly I cannot turn back the clock.

Some of you suggested that I could have moved back temporarily. Unfortunately that was not an option. DH and I had jobs and a mortgage to pay. DH would never have left his country and I don't think we could have lived apart. It wouldn't have worked.

I was mad at my relatives because to me, at the time, it felt as they didn't care much for my Dad who was THEIR relative too after all.

You say 'you only know what you are told. Very true. In fact both my Mom and Dad tried to 'protect' me when by not telling me everything. My Mom didn't even want my Dad to tell me she was terminally ill because it would disrupt our lives. And Dad relied on others when he was ill for the same reason.

I do not have a close relationship with my family, apart from the very elderly relatives who are now in their 90s. They always appreciate my calls and my visits. I hardly hear from the others. It is always me initiating contact or meet ups when I visit.
Frankly I fear my own old age.

OP, I think you could benefit from talking to a professional about your guilt and resentment. It's clearly still eating at you after time has passed, and maybe they can help you move on.

+1
I agree with this. OP, you keep doubling down on your relatives. I think you sound difficult. Accept that you and everyone else did what they could, then move on or get professional help.

[Anonymous]

my fil lives in california. both my husband and his sister live on the east coast. fil cared for mil before she passed. now fil health is declining and neither my dh or sil want to go help. both are busy with work. fil.does not want to move to be closer to us. even with siblings, when there is distance , it isnt so easy.
I offered to go help him get established in an assisted living home so he can have company and people to keep an eye on him but no one wants to pay for it. despite $$$ being available.
if it was me, I would have flown back and tried to force my father to move back with me. if he refused, I would have gone the assisted living route and try to visit 2-3 times a year. but I am not in your shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you describe is the human condition. The fact that you refuse to accept that and continue to try to place blame on these relatives speak to some kind of denial.

What is the purpose of your post? To convince everyone that your relatives were horrible people? By your own admission, your dad was difficult to care for and sabotaged his own care (canceling aide). You only know what you're told. There might be plenty history between your relatives and your dad that you don't know and you're now biased against these relatives.

I'll give you grace and excuse this as your grief speaking. But you need to do a lot of self examination to figure out why you're placing disproportionate blames on others. Maybe you could extend some grace to your relatives too.

The purpose of my post? I am still hurting after all these years. I feel guilty. I don't feel guilty for moving abroad, I had my parents' full support. Neither they nor I knew that their health would decline so quickly.
I do feel guilty about not having been able to provide the care and support to both my parents that I would have if I had stayed. Sadly I cannot turn back the clock.

Some of you suggested that I could have moved back temporarily. Unfortunately that was not an option. DH and I had jobs and a mortgage to pay. DH would never have left his country and I don't think we could have lived apart. It wouldn't have worked.

I was mad at my relatives because to me, at the time, it felt as they didn't care much for my Dad who was THEIR relative too after all.

You say 'you only know what you are told. Very true. In fact both my Mom and Dad tried to 'protect' me when by not telling me everything. My Mom didn't even want my Dad to tell me she was terminally ill because it would disrupt our lives. And Dad relied on others when he was ill for the same reason.

I do not have a close relationship with my family, apart from the very elderly relatives who are now in their 90s. They always appreciate my calls and my visits. I hardly hear from the others. It is always me initiating contact or meet ups when I visit.
Frankly I fear my own old age.

OP, I think you could benefit from talking to a professional about your guilt and resentment. It's clearly still eating at you after time has passed, and maybe they can help you move on.

+1
I agree with this. OP, you keep doubling down on your relatives. I think you sound difficult. Accept that you and everyone else did what they could, then move on or get professional help.

I don't think she needs to accept that others did what they could (her relatives sound lazy, and I know of families that would do far more for extended family members who are ailing). But a professional could help you to get a point of accepting that and move on. I know what it's like to have regrets eat at you, and it's not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is dealing with similar issues because our country offers no help. My elderly father is 8 hours away, a millionaire, and refuses to have someone in to help clean or grocery shop, or to move closer or into assisted living. My siblings and I can’t be there all the time, and it’s challenging. This is end of life in America.

[Anonymous]

If you feel that no one will take care of you from your husband's family in your own old age should he pass first and you remain in his country, now may be the time for you generously help members of his family so that there will be a sense of obligation there that didn't seem to be the case from your late mother's family towards your late father. If they're not that kind of people then save your money and you may wish to return to your home country should do eventually be widowed. I'm sorry that your parents passed away so young that is really hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you describe is the human condition. The fact that you refuse to accept that and continue to try to place blame on these relatives speak to some kind of denial.

What is the purpose of your post? To convince everyone that your relatives were horrible people? By your own admission, your dad was difficult to care for and sabotaged his own care (canceling aide). You only know what you're told. There might be plenty history between your relatives and your dad that you don't know and you're now biased against these relatives.

I'll give you grace and excuse this as your grief speaking. But you need to do a lot of self examination to figure out why you're placing disproportionate blames on others. Maybe you could extend some grace to your relatives too.

The purpose of my post? I am still hurting after all these years. I feel guilty. I don't feel guilty for moving abroad, I had my parents' full support. Neither they nor I knew that their health would decline so quickly.
I do feel guilty about not having been able to provide the care and support to both my parents that I would have if I had stayed. Sadly I cannot turn back the clock.

Some of you suggested that I could have moved back temporarily. Unfortunately that was not an option. DH and I had jobs and a mortgage to pay. DH would never have left his country and I don't think we could have lived apart. It wouldn't have worked.

I was mad at my relatives because to me, at the time, it felt as they didn't care much for my Dad who was THEIR relative too after all.

You say 'you only know what you are told. Very true. In fact both my Mom and Dad tried to 'protect' me when by not telling me everything. My Mom didn't even want my Dad to tell me she was terminally ill because it would disrupt our lives. And Dad relied on others when he was ill for the same reason.

I do not have a close relationship with my family, apart from the very elderly relatives who are now in their 90s. They always appreciate my calls and my visits. I hardly hear from the others. It is always me initiating contact or meet ups when I visit.
Frankly I fear my own old age.

You keep saying that there was no option to move back, but that's not really true. If you *really* wanted to, you could have moved back. It would have been extremely difficult, but possible.

Not saying you should've moved back, but you keep using this as an excuse.

You should not feel guilty for living your life; you did what you could. But you should not fault your relatives for living their lives, either.

Get a therapist and move on.

I also somewhat fear for my old age because I don't have a wide and close friend/family circle. I'm kind of a loner. My plan is to move into a retirement village at some point so that I have people in the some boat as I am close to me.