My wife cheated on me for 2 years with a co-worker...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. I am going through it as well as I found out my DH cheated for years. He confessed and wants to reconcile but I'm close to filing for divorce.

I am conflicted about telling our kids. I want him out of the house and he is playing the victim card. If I kick him out he's inevitably going to tell the kids I kicked him out and I will look like the mean mom. I'm not telling the kids what he did to protect and preserve their relationship but I foresee that I will end up looking like the bad guy in all of this.

You can just say simply that he cheated and that means the marriage is over but that he can still be a good dad. Marriage and parenting are not necessarily the same. Many kids have parents who are divorced and their parents still love them and do their best to be good parents.

You're an adult and you can reason that. Tell young kids that dad is not allowed back in the house ever again and see who is blamed. Unless you've been there, don't make it as though these things are easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

+1

Telling the kids about an affair is freaking evil and way worse than the original transgression of cheating. All it does is harm the kids and make the spouse who was offended temporarily feel better about themselves. Divorce is bad enough. There is no sense in hurting the kids further by getting them involved in adult business. Marriage is over—that’s it. (And no, I am not a cheater.... but many years ago I told my ex-husband if he did ever cheat I would never ever tell the kids. People who do that are really messed up in the head and are not thinking about the emotional health of their children.)

Haaaa...who says “honey, one day when you cheat on me. Don’t worry I won’t tell Jimmy and Barb.” You are so full of sh@t with this story.

I prefer “Honey- if you cheat, I’ll cut your balls off.”

I did actually say that. I am divorced now. There was no cheating. I do not believe kids need to be burdened with adult relationships on matter what happens.

I used to believe this. When my DH cheated repeatedly, I divorced him but I didn’t say anything to the kids. Twenty years later, I have to say that was a mistake. Kids never really understood what happened, and as a result assumed a lot of things that weren’t true thus causing more damage.


telling the truth simply and honestly is always the best policy.

This happened to a my husband’s best friend. His parents divorced and the mom always trashed the dad to the 4 kids and dad never said a bad word about mom. Not once. And he was decent in the divorce. My husband’s friend was 45 before he found out (and his dad later confirmed) what really happened: mom cheated, repeatedly. He never once said a bad word about her to the kids, but she brain washed his sisters. One of the sisters saw through it. Mom was married a few times. Cheaters are often trash all the way around.

[Anonymous]

^and, of course, most people figured it was dad that caused the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Telling children that their mother is a whore will never play out well in court. That was terrible advice. That's considered alienation and malicious parenting, and would definitely impact any custody arrangement. It's pretty obvious the person who suggested that has never been divorced and had to work out custody.

Ex-wife of a cheater.

Come on, sister. Nobody is saying they will call the mom a whore to the kids’ face, but if tweens/teens ask because they have a high suspicion (or even saw evidence themselves—which they don’t tell) it’s okay to say “mom had a boyfriend or was dating”. This doesn’t change her love for you”. I’m sorry if the cheaters expect the betrayed spouse to look like the bad guy. The kids know.

Definitely not your "sister," and I've been down this road. Disparaging the other parent to the children is a no-no when you're trying to sort out custody. It's viewed by the court as manipulation and it could cost you custody. I doubt if any attorney would advise a parent to tell the children of the other parent's affair. Mine didn't, neither did our custody mediator. My child was a teen. Been there, done all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Telling children that their mother is a whore will never play out well in court. That was terrible advice. That's considered alienation and malicious parenting, and would definitely impact any custody arrangement. It's pretty obvious the person who suggested that has never been divorced and had to work out custody.

Ex-wife of a cheater.

Come on, sister. Nobody is saying they will call the mom a whore to the kids’ face, but if tweens/teens ask because they have a high suspicion (or even saw evidence themselves—which they don’t tell) it’s okay to say “mom had a boyfriend or was dating”. This doesn’t change her love for you”. I’m sorry if the cheaters expect the betrayed spouse to look like the bad guy. The kids know.

Definitely not your "sister," and I've been down this road. Disparaging the other parent to the children is a no-no when you're trying to sort out custody. It's viewed by the court as manipulation and it could cost you custody. I doubt if any attorney would advise a parent to tell the children of the other parent's affair. Mine didn't, neither did our custody mediator. My child was a teen. Been there, done all of this.

Exactly. I was trying to say that up-thread as well. No one is saying that what OPs wife did is not reprehensible. Of course, it is. But involving the children is vindictive, and will not help the children in any possible way. And as PP pointed out might backfire and cause OP custody time. All of those PPs pointing out who children should know are just saying that out of anger. They know that this is the only way to hurt the cheater now.

[Anonymous]

^ we are saying mom is still with the boyfriend and tweens and teens are not stupid. They will figure out on their own that she was cheating.

If the kid is younger than Kindergarten they won’t understand.

What also is being said is older kids are persistent about “why”. Why is the divorce comic out of what seems like the blue to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ we are saying mom is still with the boyfriend and tweens and teens are not stupid. They will figure out on their own that she was cheating.

If the kid is younger than Kindergarten they won’t understand.

What also is being said is older kids are persistent about “why”. Why is the divorce comic out of what seems like the blue to them?

Who cares if they figure it out. "Why" should be answered with "mom and dad did not get along" and left at that. When they become adults and have relationships of their own, they can know the full extent of the truth but I'd be careful then too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ we are saying mom is still with the boyfriend and tweens and teens are not stupid. They will figure out on their own that she was cheating.

If the kid is younger than Kindergarten they won’t understand.

What also is being said is older kids are persistent about “why”. Why is the divorce comic out of what seems like the blue to them?

Who cares if they figure it out. "Why" should be answered with "mom and dad did not get along" and left at that. When they become adults and have relationships of their own, they can know the full extent of the truth but I'd be careful then too.

They will become liars just like mom. I’m sorry, but every therapist I’ve talked to says lying is horrible for a teens development into a healthy adult. But , a teen will lash out at mom when she’s living with the boyfriend after the divorce.

Kids learn lying and cheating is okay when parents continue to lie to them.

They used to lie to kids about death, terminal illness, etc. all the studies out there also have revealed that’s scary and confusing to kids. They now advocate including them in an age appropriate way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ we are saying mom is still with the boyfriend and tweens and teens are not stupid. They will figure out on their own that she was cheating.

If the kid is younger than Kindergarten they won’t understand.

What also is being said is older kids are persistent about “why”. Why is the divorce comic out of what seems like the blue to them?

Who cares if they figure it out. "Why" should be answered with "mom and dad did not get along" and left at that. When they become adults and have relationships of their own, they can know the full extent of the truth but I'd be careful then too.

They will become liars just like mom. I’m sorry, but every therapist I’ve talked to says lying is horrible for a teens development into a healthy adult. But , a teen will lash out at mom when she’s living with the boyfriend after the divorce.

Kids learn lying and cheating is okay when parents continue to lie to them.

They used to lie to kids about death, terminal illness, etc. all the studies out there also have revealed that’s scary and confusing to kids. They now advocate including them in an age appropriate way.

I'm a 100% positive that no therapist told you to tell your kids that their other parent cheated. There is lying and there is discussing things with your children that are totally inappropriate. Face it, you want your kids to hate the other parent. You want to hurt the other parent. This is the last bit of control you have over them and the last act of revenge.

FFS you are not teaching your adults to be cheats and liars by not discussing every intimate detail of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. I am going through it as well as I found out my DH cheated for years. He confessed and wants to reconcile but I'm close to filing for divorce.

I am conflicted about telling our kids. I want him out of the house and he is playing the victim card. If I kick him out he's inevitably going to tell the kids I kicked him out and I will look like the mean mom. I'm not telling the kids what he did to protect and preserve their relationship but I foresee that I will end up looking like the bad guy in all of this.

You can just say simply that he cheated and that means the marriage is over but that he can still be a good dad. Marriage and parenting are not necessarily the same. Many kids have parents who are divorced and their parents still love them and do their best to be good parents.

You're an adult and you can reason that. Tell young kids that dad is not allowed back in the house ever again and see who is blamed. Unless you've been there, don't make it as though these things are easy.

Who said he's not allowed in the house. After the divorce they go their own ways, but yes the kids need to be told the basics. And why they must go to 2 different households. It doesn't need to be repeated, nor did anyone tell OP to talk badly about the dad. Simply tell the truth of why the divorce is taking place. Can't avoid that with kids who want to know why their family is breaking up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

Be honest, dads usually get the blame. The kids should know mommy is a whore

No, they do not. Please refrain from using those terms in general. She can be a super shitty wife and still be a great mother. Do not involve kids in your shit. Grow up.

When one cheats they cheat on the entire family. The horrible consequences will affect everyone for years, so don't be so naive.

I don't think pp is going to use that correct term when telling them why they are divorcing. However, kids will want to know and will find out even if it's from a relative. Best for pp to be honest and explain it one time. Just say mom wanted to date other men and leave it at that. He doesn't need to ever talk badly about her, but being honest about the breakup is very important.

No, she didn't cheat on the entire family. She cheated on her husband. People divorce for all sorts of reasons. Nothing good will come of involving the children.

I'm not naive. I put my kids and not my anger first. The ONLY thing that children need to hear is that mom and dad love them very, very much and will take care of them. Period.

I am divorced myself. My ex is a shit bag. I do not tell my son that. His relationship with his dad is separate from my relationship with his dad.

+1
I 100% agree with you. I also agree that the relationship between a child and a parent is separate and it is really wrong of people to get involved in that. Cheating is between a husband and wife. That is it.

I disagree. When my dad cheat he took time away from the family, time he could have been spending with me and my siblings, the money he spent on her was money that should have gone to us, his choices broke up our world. He created us out of that thing and an intact family. His choices mean for the rest of our parents lives my siblings and I have to do a balancing act, and I say this as someone whose parents were cordial to each other, cand oparented pleasantly Yu are kidding yourself if you think cheaing on your spouse doesn't hurt your kids too.

Exactly. I laughed when I read that nonsense. It's a destruction that can span decades. My step mother ended up with all the assets, even our family vacation home we went to as kids. In short, a outsider ended up with the family assets. That's another repercussion among many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

Be honest, dads usually get the blame. The kids should know mommy is a whore

No, they do not. Please refrain from using those terms in general. She can be a super shitty wife and still be a great mother. Do not involve kids in your shit. Grow up.

When one cheats they cheat on the entire family. The horrible consequences will affect everyone for years, so don't be so naive.

I don't think pp is going to use that correct term when telling them why they are divorcing. However, kids will want to know and will find out even if it's from a relative. Best for pp to be honest and explain it one time. Just say mom wanted to date other men and leave it at that. He doesn't need to ever talk badly about her, but being honest about the breakup is very important.

No, she didn't cheat on the entire family. She cheated on her husband. People divorce for all sorts of reasons. Nothing good will come of involving the children.

I'm not naive. I put my kids and not my anger first. The ONLY thing that children need to hear is that mom and dad love them very, very much and will take care of them. Period.

I am divorced myself. My ex is a shit bag. I do not tell my son that. His relationship with his dad is separate from my relationship with his dad.

+1
I 100% agree with you. I also agree that the relationship between a child and a parent is separate and it is really wrong of people to get involved in that. Cheating is between a husband and wife. That is it.

I disagree. When my dad cheat he took time away from the family, time he could have been spending with me and my siblings, the money he spent on her was money that should have gone to us, his choices broke up our world. He created us out of that thing and an intact family. His choices mean for the rest of our parents lives my siblings and I have to do a balancing act, and I say this as someone whose parents were cordial to each other, cand oparented pleasantly Yu are kidding yourself if you think cheaing on your spouse doesn't hurt your kids too.

Exactly. I laughed when I read that nonsense. It's a destruction that can span decades. My step mother ended up with all the assets, even our family vacation home we went to as kids. In short, a outsider ended up with the family assets. That's another repercussion among many.

Cheaters are one thing: extremely selfish. They will make themselves believe their actions did nothing, but good. Delusional. What ever narratives fits their own selfish desires...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ we are saying mom is still with the boyfriend and tweens and teens are not stupid. They will figure out on their own that she was cheating.

If the kid is younger than Kindergarten they won’t understand.

What also is being said is older kids are persistent about “why”. Why is the divorce comic out of what seems like the blue to them?

Who cares if they figure it out. "Why" should be answered with "mom and dad did not get along" and left at that. When they become adults and have relationships of their own, they can know the full extent of the truth but I'd be careful then too.

They will become liars just like mom. I’m sorry, but every therapist I’ve talked to says lying is horrible for a teens development into a healthy adult. But , a teen will lash out at mom when she’s living with the boyfriend after the divorce.

Kids learn lying and cheating is okay when parents continue to lie to them.

They used to lie to kids about death, terminal illness, etc. all the studies out there also have revealed that’s scary and confusing to kids. They now advocate including them in an age appropriate way.

I'm a 100% positive that no therapist told you to tell your kids that their other parent cheated. There is lying and there is discussing things with your children that are totally inappropriate. Face it, you want your kids to hate the other parent. You want to hurt the other parent. This is the last bit of control you have over them and the last act of revenge.

FFS you are not teaching your adults to be cheats and liars by not discussing every intimate detail of your marriage.

Then, you would be wrong. The only place opinions vary on if kids should be told is when the parents do not plan to divorce. IF the couple plans to reconcile--they agree if the kids don't know or ask-keep it a secret. If a divorce is planned, they all advocate telling in an age-appropriate mannter. Read the articles (it's today's thinking on the matter):

https://www.care.com/c/stories/10103/should-you-tell-the-kids-about-your-partners-infidelity/#:~:text=%22Yes%2C%20Definitely%20Tell%20the%20Kids%22&text=They%20deserve%20to%20know%20why,parent%20left%20the%20family%20home.&text=%E2%80%9CAdmitting%20to%20an%20affair%20will,your%20relationship%20with%20your%20child.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-infidelity/201305/should-the-children-know-youve-had-affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry, OP. People that cheat on their spouses are disgusting.

I can't help but notice how friendly everyone is to you as a man that has been cheated on, but for whatever reason whenever a woman in your identical situation posts, she is met with a torrent of: you didn't have enough sex with him, you didn't treat him right, you let yourself go, blah, blah, blah.

I wish women could support other women, but for whatever reason they only have sympathy for betrayed husbands---not wives. I'm not sure about the psychology except that women are jealous and hate other women possibly.

I think the folks who are as cruel as you describe (and they post a lot, even if there aren't that many of them) fall into 2 categories:

1) Angry men

2) Women who want to engage in magical thinking, and think they can "affair proof" their marriage if they just check all the right boxes.

And

3) Other women (APs)- current or former

4) Cheating wives

5) Women that are competitive and think they are better than poster (ties in with #2)

At least men will just buy each other a beer and say “man, I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that”.

And we wonder why women can’t get ahead ....they step on each other and tear each other down which prevents them from breaking any glass ceilings.

No one hates women as much as women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry, OP. People that cheat on their spouses are disgusting.

I can't help but notice how friendly everyone is to you as a man that has been cheated on, but for whatever reason whenever a woman in your identical situation posts, she is met with a torrent of: you didn't have enough sex with him, you didn't treat him right, you let yourself go, blah, blah, blah.

I wish women could support other women, but for whatever reason they only have sympathy for betrayed husbands---not wives. I'm not sure about the psychology except that women are jealous and hate other women possibly.

I think the folks who are as cruel as you describe (and they post a lot, even if there aren't that many of them) fall into 2 categories:

1) Angry men

2) Women who want to engage in magical thinking, and think they can "affair proof" their marriage if they just check all the right boxes.

And

3) Other women (APs)- current or former

4) Cheating wives

5) Women that are competitive and think they are better than poster (ties in with #2)

At least men will just buy each other a beer and say “man, I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that”.

And we wonder why women can’t get ahead ....they step on each other and tear each other down which prevents them from breaking any glass ceilings.

No one hates women as much as women.

Yep. Look at the cheaters and OW on the other thread. Proud to harm another woman.