My wife cheated on me for 2 years with a co-worker...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have children? Who does most of the child-rearing? If you, then you need to stay in the house for the sake of the continuation for your children. If she is the primary parent and you plan that she will be spending more time with them post-divorce, then you need to move out. It's about the kids at this point.

If you don't have children, then F her. She needs to go.

I would have to know what mommy's new boyfriend is like before I decide if staying with her is best for the kids. Mommy certainly wasn't thinking what was best for the kids when she was out gallivanting and screwing behind daddy's back.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And now she is blaming me for a bad marriage and wants me to leave the house and her to stay. Was our marriage great? No. But I stayed loyal and wanted to work on it. She took it to another level with the infidelity. I am not going anywhere. Am I right?

This is cheating spouse/affair way of thinking 101. They blame shift, gas light, etc. This is part of the playbook. They don't want to take responsibility.

My ex left for a co worker and then she blamed me for not trying to woo her back despite me hanging in there trying to reconcile for far longer than I should have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP. Thanks for the opinions. I called a lawyer the day after she told me about the affair and wanting out of the marriage. So, I feel good about the advice I am getting. I am in the house and will not leave. I have obviously never touched her in an abusive manner, but I appreciate the fact that she may say things or coax me into something that can be perceived as threatening, but always good to keep in mind. The kids don't know about the affair yet, but they know we are heading toward divorce. So that is something else on the horizon for her when they eventually find out the truth.

I will smile and continue to take the high road in front of the kids. I won't bad mouth her or what she has done. But...I will not be pushed around by her or her new boyfriend. I have nobody waiting for me as she does with her new side piece, so I have all the time in the world.

Yes, I am an XW here that went through a nasty divorce. In the middle of a fight, he called 911 and claimed I slapped him in the face. I merely brushed against him to pick up our daughter, who was crying. Four months later, when I finally left him, he tried to get a protective order and had me charged with 2nd degree assault. His story changed at every hearing. First, he said I slapped him in the face, then he said I hit him repeatedly for 3 minutes. Then he said I hit him repeatedly while we were holding our daughter for 10 minutes.

He was not successful, but the result is that I had to take an anger management class as a part of a pre-trial agreement, because there was a 911 tape of him claiming I slapped him. That was $5,000 on lawyers to squash both and a 12 week class I had to pay $240 for. My entire divorce cost $130,000 and only because I represented myself at trial. I burned through my entire retirement on lawyers. We're about to go back to court for a custody modification, which he is turning into another $50,000 fight. Ugh.

Whatever you do, if she calls 911, just stand down. Don't touch her anymore. And don't fight. Just ignore her.

If she hits you, do call police and make a report.

Curious--did you cheat on him..or did he cheat on you? Those things always make divorces much more contentious which is why I cringe when these people advocate for having affairs to 'save' the marriage---more like to create a hostile environment and nasty divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And now she is blaming me for a bad marriage and wants me to leave the house and her to stay. Was our marriage great? No. But I stayed loyal and wanted to work on it. She took it to another level with the infidelity. I am not going anywhere. Am I right?

This is cheating spouse/affair way of thinking 101. They blame shift, gas light, etc. This is part of the playbook. They don't want to take responsibility.

My ex left for a co worker and then she blamed me for not trying to woo her back despite me hanging in there trying to reconcile for far longer than I should have.

+1 they always want to blame someone else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have children? Who does most of the child-rearing? If you, then you need to stay in the house for the sake of the continuation for your children. If she is the primary parent and you plan that she will be spending more time with them post-divorce, then you need to move out. It's about the kids at this point.

If you don't have children, then F her. She needs to go.

I would have to know what mommy's new boyfriend is like before I decide if staying with her is best for the kids. Mommy certainly wasn't thinking what was best for the kids when she was out gallivanting and screwing behind daddy's back.

That's beside the point. Kid's lives would be uprooted enough with the divorce, there is no need to disrupt it more with having them move. Kids deserve to stay in their home. Kids come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

Be honest, dads usually get the blame. The kids should know mommy is a whore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

Be honest, dads usually get the blame. The kids should know mommy is a whore

No, they do not. Please refrain from using those terms in general. She can be a super shitty wife and still be a great mother. Do not involve kids in your shit. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

Also, adults need to deal with adult issues in their marriage. I can't think of anything worse than involving kids in your shit. The judges might construe it as parent alienation too. It's just all-around a super bad idea.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. My situation is similar except I'm the wife and he moved out willingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

+1

Telling the kids about an affair is freaking evil and way worse than the original transgression of cheating. All it does is harm the kids and make the spouse who was offended temporarily feel better about themselves. Divorce is bad enough. There is no sense in hurting the kids further by getting them involved in adult business. Marriage is over—that’s it. (And no, I am not a cheater.... but many years ago I told my ex-husband if he did ever cheat I would never ever tell the kids. People who do that are really messed up in the head and are not thinking about the emotional health of their children.)

[Anonymous]

OP here...I will not tell my kids about the affair. I am sure they will find out or figure it out soon enough. If, at some point, they ask me what happened, I will say go ask your Mother.

With regards to made up assault charges to curry favor or put me in a bad spot, I think she would try something like this. All of our close friends and neighbors would know it is BS, so I think I would have a ton of people support me. Having said that, having some proof or a recording will be helpful if I need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

Mom is already with the new dude. The kids aren’t idiots. Kids are very perceptive. He doesn’t have to tell them. They will figure out themselves...and if they confront mom or dad about it—-lying and cover ups does a lot more damage...and ultimately they end up thinking lying and cheating is okay like Mom does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

+1

Telling the kids about an affair is freaking evil and way worse than the original transgression of cheating. All it does is harm the kids and make the spouse who was offended temporarily feel better about themselves. Divorce is bad enough. There is no sense in hurting the kids further by getting them involved in adult business. Marriage is over—that’s it. (And no, I am not a cheater.... but many years ago I told my ex-husband if he did ever cheat I would never ever tell the kids. People who do that are really messed up in the head and are not thinking about the emotional health of their children.)

Haaaa...who says “honey, one day when you cheat on me. Don’t worry I won’t tell Jimmy and Barb.” You are so full of sh@t with this story.

I prefer “Honey- if you cheat, I’ll cut your balls off.”