My wife cheated on me for 2 years with a co-worker...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

+1

Telling the kids about an affair is freaking evil and way worse than the original transgression of cheating. All it does is harm the kids and make the spouse who was offended temporarily feel better about themselves. Divorce is bad enough. There is no sense in hurting the kids further by getting them involved in adult business. Marriage is over—that’s it. (And no, I am not a cheater.... but many years ago I told my ex-husband if he did ever cheat I would never ever tell the kids. People who do that are really messed up in the head and are not thinking about the emotional health of their children.)

Haaaa...who says “honey, one day when you cheat on me. Don’t worry I won’t tell Jimmy and Barb.” You are so full of sh@t with this story.

I prefer “Honey- if you cheat, I’ll cut your balls off.”

Yeah. And people that cheat are not thinking of the emotional health of their children either. Nice blameshift she did right there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

Be honest, dads usually get the blame. The kids should know mommy is a whore

No, they do not. Please refrain from using those terms in general. She can be a super shitty wife and still be a great mother. Do not involve kids in your shit. Grow up.

When one cheats they cheat on the entire family. The horrible consequences will affect everyone for years, so don't be so naive.

I don't think pp is going to use that correct term when telling them why they are divorcing. However, kids will want to know and will find out even if it's from a relative. Best for pp to be honest and explain it one time. Just say mom wanted to date other men and leave it at that. He doesn't need to ever talk badly about her, but being honest about the breakup is very important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

+1

Telling the kids about an affair is freaking evil and way worse than the original transgression of cheating. All it does is harm the kids and make the spouse who was offended temporarily feel better about themselves. Divorce is bad enough. There is no sense in hurting the kids further by getting them involved in adult business. Marriage is over—that’s it. (And no, I am not a cheater.... but many years ago I told my ex-husband if he did ever cheat I would never ever tell the kids. People who do that are really messed up in the head and are not thinking about the emotional health of their children.)

Haaaa...who says “honey, one day when you cheat on me. Don’t worry I won’t tell Jimmy and Barb.” You are so full of sh@t with this story.

I prefer “Honey- if you cheat, I’ll cut your balls off.”

Yeah. And people that cheat are not thinking of the emotional health of their children either. Nice blameshift she did right there

Two dysfunctional parents is not better than one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

+1

Telling the kids about an affair is freaking evil and way worse than the original transgression of cheating. All it does is harm the kids and make the spouse who was offended temporarily feel better about themselves. Divorce is bad enough. There is no sense in hurting the kids further by getting them involved in adult business. Marriage is over—that’s it. (And no, I am not a cheater.... but many years ago I told my ex-husband if he did ever cheat I would never ever tell the kids. People who do that are really messed up in the head and are not thinking about the emotional health of their children.)

Haaaa...who says “honey, one day when you cheat on me. Don’t worry I won’t tell Jimmy and Barb.” You are so full of sh@t with this story.

I prefer “Honey- if you cheat, I’ll cut your balls off.”

Yeah. And people that cheat are not thinking of the emotional health of their children either. Nice blameshift she did right there

Two dysfunctional parents is not better than one.

The kids know. Mom has a boyfriend. He does not need to say 'mommy is a cheating whore or bring up the word 'cheated'', but lying to the kids about something that is BLATANTLY obvious and most likely all the relatives know does a helluva lot more damage to the kids in the long run. They learn that lying (now dad is lying too!) is acceptable. They have been lied to along with dad. Him staging an elaborate cover-up is damaging.

A lot of these cheaters can't face the consequences. They want nobody to know and expect their spouse to suffer in silence, not let grandma (mil) or anyone else know they went out to ride some strange D. It's part of a cheater's low morals and selfishness, ability to self-reflect and own up to their actions.

[Anonymous]

^Inability to self-reflect

[Anonymous]

If OP's family is anything like mine, at a big holiday gathering with some bottles of wine---somebody is going to talk about the cheating ex...and the kids will overhear it. Some things you can't hide no matter how hard you try...and, yeah, isn't it funny how mom has a new boyfriend so quick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP's family is anything like mine, at a big holiday gathering with some bottles of wine---somebody is going to talk about the cheating ex...and the kids will overhear it. Some things you can't hide no matter how hard you try...and, yeah, isn't it funny how mom has a new boyfriend so quick?

Yep most families. We use to talk about my brothers ex for years and years. Then those kids told me when they were grown how their mom broke up her current husbands marriage. Best to tell the kids that mom decided to date while being married, and that is wrong. A good way to teach a lesson about "morality" to his kids. A family shouldn't sweep that kind of repulsive behavior under the rug. Call it out for being wrong, that's a better example to young children.

[Anonymous]

She can be a super shitty wife and still be a great mother.

No, she can't. Her cheating broke up the family. The repercussions are enormous. Household expenses just doubled without an increase in income. The affects ability to pay for college. Often times this switches kids to new schools if neither parent is able to buy out the other.

If my husband and I got divorced tomorrow neither of us could afford to stay in our neighborhood on our income alone. I would not be able to continue to contribute to the kids' college funds. I would not be able to pay for my daughter's travel soccer program that she lives for. Summer vacations to the beach would never happen again. The list goes on and on. Cheating spouses destroy children's lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's family is anything like mine, at a big holiday gathering with some bottles of wine---somebody is going to talk about the cheating ex...and the kids will overhear it. Some things you can't hide no matter how hard you try...and, yeah, isn't it funny how mom has a new boyfriend so quick?

Yep most families. We use to talk about my brothers ex for years and years. Then those kids told me when they were grown how their mom broke up her current husbands marriage. Best to tell the kids that mom decided to date while being married, and that is wrong. A good way to teach a lesson about "morality" to his kids. A family shouldn't sweep that kind of repulsive behavior under the rug. Call it out for being wrong, that's a better example to young children.

Kids are inquisitive enough (and persistent) where they'll demand to know the truth. My ex left me for another and this entire time, "why don't you and mommy live together anymore" questions are easily rebutted with "well, some people just don't get along anymore" etc. But at a certain age, kids demand to know. I am about to hit teenage years with my 2 and I know those questions will come up. I am of the mindset that their mom has to own this and she's the one that needs to tell them. My concern is the "spin" that their mom will put on this. My initial thought was not to engage in too much until the kids are out of HS.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Carry a recorder with you. So when she files a false claim of abuse, SHE will be the one locked up for perjury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's family is anything like mine, at a big holiday gathering with some bottles of wine---somebody is going to talk about the cheating ex...and the kids will overhear it. Some things you can't hide no matter how hard you try...and, yeah, isn't it funny how mom has a new boyfriend so quick?

Yep most families. We use to talk about my brothers ex for years and years. Then those kids told me when they were grown how their mom broke up her current husbands marriage. Best to tell the kids that mom decided to date while being married, and that is wrong. A good way to teach a lesson about "morality" to his kids. A family shouldn't sweep that kind of repulsive behavior under the rug. Call it out for being wrong, that's a better example to young children.

Kids are inquisitive enough (and persistent) where they'll demand to know the truth. My ex left me for another and this entire time, "why don't you and mommy live together anymore" questions are easily rebutted with "well, some people just don't get along anymore" etc. But at a certain age, kids demand to know. I am about to hit teenage years with my 2 and I know those questions will come up. I am of the mindset that their mom has to own this and she's the one that needs to tell them. My concern is the "spin" that their mom will put on this. My initial thought was not to engage in too much until the kids are out of HS.

Thoughts?

Yeah. To continually lie is a detriment to them. Any therapist will tell you that.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry, OP. People that cheat on their spouses are disgusting.

I can't help but notice how friendly everyone is to you as a man that has been cheated on, but for whatever reason whenever a woman in your identical situation posts, she is met with a torrent of: you didn't have enough sex with him, you didn't treat him right, you let yourself go, blah, blah, blah.

I wish women could support other women, but for whatever reason they only have sympathy for betrayed husbands---not wives. I'm not sure about the psychology except that women are jealous and hate other women possibly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry, OP. People that cheat on their spouses are disgusting.

I can't help but notice how friendly everyone is to you as a man that has been cheated on, but for whatever reason whenever a woman in your identical situation posts, she is met with a torrent of: you didn't have enough sex with him, you didn't treat him right, you let yourself go, blah, blah, blah.

I wish women could support other women, but for whatever reason they only have sympathy for betrayed husbands---not wives. I'm not sure about the psychology except that women are jealous and hate other women possibly.

I think the folks who are as cruel as you describe (and they post a lot, even if there aren't that many of them) fall into 2 categories:

1) Angry men

2) Women who want to engage in magical thinking, and think they can "affair proof" their marriage if they just check all the right boxes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

Be honest, dads usually get the blame. The kids should know mommy is a whore

No, they do not. Please refrain from using those terms in general. She can be a super shitty wife and still be a great mother. Do not involve kids in your shit. Grow up.

When one cheats they cheat on the entire family. The horrible consequences will affect everyone for years, so don't be so naive.

I don't think pp is going to use that correct term when telling them why they are divorcing. However, kids will want to know and will find out even if it's from a relative. Best for pp to be honest and explain it one time. Just say mom wanted to date other men and leave it at that. He doesn't need to ever talk badly about her, but being honest about the breakup is very important.

No, she didn't cheat on the entire family. She cheated on her husband. People divorce for all sorts of reasons. Nothing good will come of involving the children.

I'm not naive. I put my kids and not my anger first. The ONLY thing that children need to hear is that mom and dad love them very, very much and will take care of them. Period.

I am divorced myself. My ex is a shit bag. I do not tell my son that. His relationship with his dad is separate from my relationship with his dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can be a super shitty wife and still be a great mother.

No, she can't. Her cheating broke up the family. The repercussions are enormous. Household expenses just doubled without an increase in income. The affects ability to pay for college. Often times this switches kids to new schools if neither parent is able to buy out the other.

If my husband and I got divorced tomorrow neither of us could afford to stay in our neighborhood on our income alone. I would not be able to continue to contribute to the kids' college funds. I would not be able to pay for my daughter's travel soccer program that she lives for. Summer vacations to the beach would never happen again. The list goes on and on. Cheating spouses destroy children's lives.

Do you say this dribble to every divorced couple? I am divorced (not for cheating though) and can tell you that I'm a kick-ass mother. I was a shitty wife to my ex (he would say). Life after divorce does not end as you apparently believe.