My wife cheated on me for 2 years with a co-worker...

[Anonymous]

Lawyer up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ we are saying mom is still with the boyfriend and tweens and teens are not stupid. They will figure out on their own that she was cheating.

If the kid is younger than Kindergarten they won’t understand.

What also is being said is older kids are persistent about “why”. Why is the divorce comic out of what seems like the blue to them?

Who cares if they figure it out. "Why" should be answered with "mom and dad did not get along" and left at that. When they become adults and have relationships of their own, they can know the full extent of the truth but I'd be careful then too.

They will become liars just like mom. I’m sorry, but every therapist I’ve talked to says lying is horrible for a teens development into a healthy adult. But , a teen will lash out at mom when she’s living with the boyfriend after the divorce.

Kids learn lying and cheating is okay when parents continue to lie to them.

They used to lie to kids about death, terminal illness, etc. all the studies out there also have revealed that’s scary and confusing to kids. They now advocate including them in an age appropriate way.

I'm a 100% positive that no therapist told you to tell your kids that their other parent cheated. There is lying and there is discussing things with your children that are totally inappropriate. Face it, you want your kids to hate the other parent. You want to hurt the other parent. This is the last bit of control you have over them and the last act of revenge.

FFS you are not teaching your adults to be cheats and liars by not discussing every intimate detail of your marriage.

Then, you would be wrong. The only place opinions vary on if kids should be told is when the parents do not plan to divorce. IF the couple plans to reconcile--they agree if the kids don't know or ask-keep it a secret. If a divorce is planned, they all advocate telling in an age-appropriate mannter. Read the articles (it's today's thinking on the matter):

https://www.care.com/c/stories/10103/should-you-tell-the-kids-about-your-partners-infidelity/#:~:text=%22Yes%2C%20Definitely%20Tell%20the%20Kids%22&text=They%20deserve%20to%20know%20why,parent%20left%20the%20family%20home.&text=%E2%80%9CAdmitting%20to%20an%20affair%20will,your%20relationship%20with%20your%20child.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-infidelity/201305/should-the-children-know-youve-had-affair

Did you read that psychologytoday.com article very carefully. That's not what he said at all. The main takeaway from his article is that you should examine your own motivations for telling the children first and foremost. Since most of the time the motivation is revenge, you should probably not involve your children. You can try to justify it until you're blue in the face, but if you involved your children in your divorce, you're a fool.

[Anonymous]

^overwhelmingly in favor of telling.

The only circumstance suggesting not to tell was if the kids had no idea and you weren’t divorcing.

If they have suspicion, if family knows and it could slip out, if you already have g/friend, b/friend, if it was with a person they know...

Re-read BOTH articles and not with a self-serving view of not having to face people knowing what you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^overwhelmingly in favor of telling.

The only circumstance suggesting not to tell was if the kids had no idea and you weren’t divorcing.

If they have suspicion, if family knows and it could slip out, if you already have g/friend, b/friend, if it was with a person they know...

Re-read BOTH articles and not with a self-serving view of not having to face people knowing what you did.

From the psych today article:

But should parents tell about the affair, particularly if a child is able to understand the nature of infidelity? Let’s look at the argument that such knowledge is hurtful. It is true that children can be hurt by finding out this inconvenient truth about one of their parents. And, ideally, we ought to avoid unnecessarily hurting our children at all costs. But the unfaithful spouse is mistaken to believe the pain inflicted by the affair happens at the moment the child is told. No, the harm done to the child occurs at the moment that that partner elected to go outside the marriage for an emotional or physical relationship. When an affair happens, it cheats the spouse and the family of the love and commitment of a partner and parent. Telling the child may put an ugly name on why a parent has pulled away from the family, but it is, ultimately, naming a truth. And if there is one thing that affairs teach us, it is how devastating lies can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^overwhelmingly in favor of telling.

The only circumstance suggesting not to tell was if the kids had no idea and you weren’t divorcing.

If they have suspicion, if family knows and it could slip out, if you already have g/friend, b/friend, if it was with a person they know...

Re-read BOTH articles and not with a self-serving view of not having to face people knowing what you did.

From the psych today article:

But should parents tell about the affair, particularly if a child is able to understand the nature of infidelity? Let’s look at the argument that such knowledge is hurtful. It is true that children can be hurt by finding out this inconvenient truth about one of their parents. And, ideally, we ought to avoid unnecessarily hurting our children at all costs. But the unfaithful spouse is mistaken to believe the pain inflicted by the affair happens at the moment the child is told. No, the harm done to the child occurs at the moment that that partner elected to go outside the marriage for an emotional or physical relationship. When an affair happens, it cheats the spouse and the family of the love and commitment of a partner and parent. Telling the child may put an ugly name on why a parent has pulled away from the family, but it is, ultimately, naming a truth. And if there is one thing that affairs teach us, it is how devastating lies can be.

yes. The article concludes with one 'probably not" which is if the kids don't know and you are choosing to reconcile and stay together.

all the other rest (4 other situations) are 'probably so'. The first article is from some renowned therapists in family/couples counseling which spells out in detail why it's so bad to lie to the kids.

If my kids had zero idea and were young, I wouldn't tell them even if I were divorcing. But, if they were old enough to demand to know why--all evidence is it's healthier in the long-run for them not to be lied to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^overwhelmingly in favor of telling.

The only circumstance suggesting not to tell was if the kids had no idea and you weren’t divorcing.

If they have suspicion, if family knows and it could slip out, if you already have g/friend, b/friend, if it was with a person they know...

Re-read BOTH articles and not with a self-serving view of not having to face people knowing what you did.

No, not overwhelmingly in favor of telling. You’re just plain wrong. Also, it’s the opinion on one therapist. Hardly the gospel.

Yeah, telling children their mother is a horrible person will surely make the divorce easier for everyone. I’m starting to believe you were cheated on and chose to tell your children. That’s horrible in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^overwhelmingly in favor of telling.

The only circumstance suggesting not to tell was if the kids had no idea and you weren’t divorcing.

If they have suspicion, if family knows and it could slip out, if you already have g/friend, b/friend, if it was with a person they know...

Re-read BOTH articles and not with a self-serving view of not having to face people knowing what you did.

From the psych today article:

But should parents tell about the affair, particularly if a child is able to understand the nature of infidelity? Let’s look at the argument that such knowledge is hurtful. It is true that children can be hurt by finding out this inconvenient truth about one of their parents. And, ideally, we ought to avoid unnecessarily hurting our children at all costs. But the unfaithful spouse is mistaken to believe the pain inflicted by the affair happens at the moment the child is told. No, the harm done to the child occurs at the moment that that partner elected to go outside the marriage for an emotional or physical relationship. When an affair happens, it cheats the spouse and the family of the love and commitment of a partner and parent. Telling the child may put an ugly name on why a parent has pulled away from the family, but it is, ultimately, naming a truth. And if there is one thing that affairs teach us, it is how devastating lies can be.

No one is disputing that cheating is awful and that the cheater is responsible for breaking up the family (should they chose to divorce). Adult issues should be dealt with among adults. Even the author says children have a hard time understanding monogamy. I’m not sure why that’s so hard for you to comprehend. Do you want to hurt your children? Score points in divorce? What the hell!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^overwhelmingly in favor of telling.

The only circumstance suggesting not to tell was if the kids had no idea and you weren’t divorcing.

If they have suspicion, if family knows and it could slip out, if you already have g/friend, b/friend, if it was with a person they know...

Re-read BOTH articles and not with a self-serving view of not having to face people knowing what you did.

No, not overwhelmingly in favor of telling. You’re just plain wrong. Also, it’s the opinion on one therapist. Hardly the gospel.

Yeah, telling children their mother is a horrible person will surely make the divorce easier for everyone. I’m starting to believe you were cheated on and chose to tell your children. That’s horrible in my opinion.

NOBODY (NOT EITHER ARTICLE EITHER) is saying tell the kids mom is a horrible person. They do, however, say that kids should be told what mom did in many circumstances/situations. I guess by what you have written you think that people that cheat are horrible people so want to hide your actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^overwhelmingly in favor of telling.

The only circumstance suggesting not to tell was if the kids had no idea and you weren’t divorcing.

If they have suspicion, if family knows and it could slip out, if you already have g/friend, b/friend, if it was with a person they know...

Re-read BOTH articles and not with a self-serving view of not having to face people knowing what you did.

From the psych today article:

But should parents tell about the affair, particularly if a child is able to understand the nature of infidelity? Let’s look at the argument that such knowledge is hurtful. It is true that children can be hurt by finding out this inconvenient truth about one of their parents. And, ideally, we ought to avoid unnecessarily hurting our children at all costs. But the unfaithful spouse is mistaken to believe the pain inflicted by the affair happens at the moment the child is told. No, the harm done to the child occurs at the moment that that partner elected to go outside the marriage for an emotional or physical relationship. When an affair happens, it cheats the spouse and the family of the love and commitment of a partner and parent. Telling the child may put an ugly name on why a parent has pulled away from the family, but it is, ultimately, naming a truth. And if there is one thing that affairs teach us, it is how devastating lies can be.

Read the bold.

No one is disputing that cheating is awful and that the cheater is responsible for breaking up the family (should they chose to divorce). Adult issues should be dealt with among adults. Even the author says children have a hard time understanding monogamy. I’m not sure why that’s so hard for you to comprehend. Do you want to hurt your children? Score points in divorce? What the hell!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^overwhelmingly in favor of telling.

The only circumstance suggesting not to tell was if the kids had no idea and you weren’t divorcing.

If they have suspicion, if family knows and it could slip out, if you already have g/friend, b/friend, if it was with a person they know...

Re-read BOTH articles and not with a self-serving view of not having to face people knowing what you did.

No, not overwhelmingly in favor of telling. You’re just plain wrong. Also, it’s the opinion on one therapist. Hardly the gospel.

Yeah, telling children their mother is a horrible person will surely make the divorce easier for everyone. I’m starting to believe you were cheated on and chose to tell your children. That’s horrible in my opinion.

NOBODY (NOT EITHER ARTICLE EITHER) is saying tell the kids mom is a horrible person. They do, however, say that kids should be told what mom did in many circumstances/situations. I guess by what you have written you think that people that cheat are horrible people so want to hide your actions.

“Admitting to an affair will likely cause problems in your relationship with your child. But, rebuilding and working through the anger your child feels will be easier if you are honest with him or her from the beginning,” Meyer writes.

In his book, “Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy,” Dr. Frank Pittman pushes parents to disclose everything to their children. In his view, keeping secrets from family members will essentially rob the family of closeness and create disorientation -- which can have an unexpected ripple effect.

“Children who experience secrecy and lies cannot trust what they are told. They become insecure and dependent,” explains Pittman. “When the framework of the family finally collapses, there may be no honest relationships to fall back on. The children feel cast adrift."

Meyer and Pittman clearly approach the issue from the standpoint of building trust with children during a difficult time. On the other hand, Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor, has written about how he views it as more of an issue of accountability and repentance -- particularly for those couples who want to stay in the marriage.

Specifically, he believes that complete disclosure with those closest to the couple, including young children, will help to prevent a recurrence or continuation of the infidelity.

In a book that he co-wrote with Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, called "Surviving an Affair,“ he explains, "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery."

In fact, Harley and Chalmers argue that children as young as seven should be informed about parental infidelity, as should any extended family, friends, clergy and even the "other person's" spouse.

As you can see, there is no “one-size-fits-all” solution to this question. If there was, we’d see unanimous agreement among the experts in the field. Telling your kids about infidelity is a personal decision that needs to be made by parents, based on individual circumstances.

The thing that most experts agree on, however, is that parents need to present a united front in communicating with the kids. Agree together on what information will and will not be shared, as well as the motivations behind the decision.

[Anonymous]

How was your wife able to keep the affair a secret for 2 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^overwhelmingly in favor of telling.

The only circumstance suggesting not to tell was if the kids had no idea and you weren’t divorcing.

If they have suspicion, if family knows and it could slip out, if you already have g/friend, b/friend, if it was with a person they know...

Re-read BOTH articles and not with a self-serving view of not having to face people knowing what you did.

No, not overwhelmingly in favor of telling. You’re just plain wrong. Also, it’s the opinion on one therapist. Hardly the gospel.

Yeah, telling children their mother is a horrible person will surely make the divorce easier for everyone. I’m starting to believe you were cheated on and chose to tell your children. That’s horrible in my opinion.

+1. It is horrible. And worse than cheating itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^overwhelmingly in favor of telling.

The only circumstance suggesting not to tell was if the kids had no idea and you weren’t divorcing.

If they have suspicion, if family knows and it could slip out, if you already have g/friend, b/friend, if it was with a person they know...

Re-read BOTH articles and not with a self-serving view of not having to face people knowing what you did.

No, not overwhelmingly in favor of telling. You’re just plain wrong. Also, it’s the opinion on one therapist. Hardly the gospel.

Yeah, telling children their mother is a horrible person will surely make the divorce easier for everyone. I’m starting to believe you were cheated on and chose to tell your children. That’s horrible in my opinion.

+1. It is horrible. And worse than cheating itself.

But the unfaithful spouse is mistaken to believe the pain inflicted by the affair happens at the moment the child is told. No, the harm done to the child occurs at the moment that that partner elected to go outside the marriage for an emotional or physical relationship. When an affair happens, it cheats the spouse and the family of the love and commitment of a partner and parent. Telling the child may put an ugly name on why a parent has pulled away from the family, but it is, ultimately, naming a truth. And if there is one thing that affairs teach us, it is how devastating lies can be.

[Anonymous]

I'm a 100% positive that no therapist told you to tell your kids that their other parent cheated. There is lying and there is discussing things with your children that are totally inappropriate. Face it, you want your kids to hate the other parent. You want to hurt the other parent. This is the last bit of control you have over them and the last act of revenge.

FFS you are not teaching your adults to be cheats and liars by not discussing every intimate detail of your marriage.

I am 100% positive that you are wrong. Many (most) child therapists recommend telling children in an age-appropriate way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^overwhelmingly in favor of telling.

The only circumstance suggesting not to tell was if the kids had no idea and you weren’t divorcing.

If they have suspicion, if family knows and it could slip out, if you already have g/friend, b/friend, if it was with a person they know...

Re-read BOTH articles and not with a self-serving view of not having to face people knowing what you did.

No, not overwhelmingly in favor of telling. You’re just plain wrong. Also, it’s the opinion on one therapist. Hardly the gospel.

Yeah, telling children their mother is a horrible person will surely make the divorce easier for everyone. I’m starting to believe you were cheated on and chose to tell your children. That’s horrible in my opinion.

+1. It is horrible. And worse than cheating itself.

But the unfaithful spouse is mistaken to believe the pain inflicted by the affair happens at the moment the child is told. No, the harm done to the child occurs at the moment that that partner elected to go outside the marriage for an emotional or physical relationship. When an affair happens, it cheats the spouse and the family of the love and commitment of a partner and parent. Telling the child may put an ugly name on why a parent has pulled away from the family, but it is, ultimately, naming a truth. And if there is one thing that affairs teach us, it is how devastating lies can be.

Really, really not. The pain occurs when both people in the marriage decide that the affair is not something they can get past. Not every affair results in divorce.