My wife cheated on me for 2 years with a co-worker...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She can be a super shitty wife and still be a great mother.

No, she can't. Her cheating broke up the family. The repercussions are enormous. Household expenses just doubled without an increase in income. The affects ability to pay for college. Often times this switches kids to new schools if neither parent is able to buy out the other.

If my husband and I got divorced tomorrow neither of us could afford to stay in our neighborhood on our income alone. I would not be able to continue to contribute to the kids' college funds. I would not be able to pay for my daughter's travel soccer program that she lives for. Summer vacations to the beach would never happen again. The list goes on and on. Cheating spouses destroy children's lives.

Do you say this dribble to every divorced couple? I am divorced (not for cheating though) and can tell you that I'm a kick-ass mother. I was a shitty wife to my ex (he would say). Life after divorce does not end as you apparently believe.

*drivel not dribbel obviously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

+1

Telling the kids about an affair is freaking evil and way worse than the original transgression of cheating. All it does is harm the kids and make the spouse who was offended temporarily feel better about themselves. Divorce is bad enough. There is no sense in hurting the kids further by getting them involved in adult business. Marriage is over—that’s it. (And no, I am not a cheater.... but many years ago I told my ex-husband if he did ever cheat I would never ever tell the kids. People who do that are really messed up in the head and are not thinking about the emotional health of their children.)

Haaaa...who says “honey, one day when you cheat on me. Don’t worry I won’t tell Jimmy and Barb.” You are so full of sh@t with this story.

I prefer “Honey- if you cheat, I’ll cut your balls off.”

I did actually say that. I am divorced now. There was no cheating. I do not believe kids need to be burdened with adult relationships on matter what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry, OP. People that cheat on their spouses are disgusting.

I can't help but notice how friendly everyone is to you as a man that has been cheated on, but for whatever reason whenever a woman in your identical situation posts, she is met with a torrent of: you didn't have enough sex with him, you didn't treat him right, you let yourself go, blah, blah, blah.

I wish women could support other women, but for whatever reason they only have sympathy for betrayed husbands---not wives. I'm not sure about the psychology except that women are jealous and hate other women possibly.

I think the folks who are as cruel as you describe (and they post a lot, even if there aren't that many of them) fall into 2 categories:

1) Angry men

2) Women who want to engage in magical thinking, and think they can "affair proof" their marriage if they just check all the right boxes.

And

3) Other women (APs)- current or former

4) Cheating wives

5) Women that are competitive and think they are better than poster (ties in with #2)

At least men will just buy each other a beer and say “man, I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that”.

And we wonder why women can’t get ahead ....they step on each other and tear each other down which prevents them from breaking any glass ceilings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

Be honest, dads usually get the blame. The kids should know mommy is a whore

No, they do not. Please refrain from using those terms in general. She can be a super shitty wife and still be a great mother. Do not involve kids in your shit. Grow up.

When one cheats they cheat on the entire family. The horrible consequences will affect everyone for years, so don't be so naive.

I don't think pp is going to use that correct term when telling them why they are divorcing. However, kids will want to know and will find out even if it's from a relative. Best for pp to be honest and explain it one time. Just say mom wanted to date other men and leave it at that. He doesn't need to ever talk badly about her, but being honest about the breakup is very important.

No, she didn't cheat on the entire family. She cheated on her husband. People divorce for all sorts of reasons. Nothing good will come of involving the children.

I'm not naive. I put my kids and not my anger first. The ONLY thing that children need to hear is that mom and dad love them very, very much and will take care of them. Period.

I am divorced myself. My ex is a shit bag. I do not tell my son that. His relationship with his dad is separate from my relationship with his dad.

+1
I 100% agree with you. I also agree that the relationship between a child and a parent is separate and it is really wrong of people to get involved in that. Cheating is between a husband and wife. That is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

Be honest, dads usually get the blame. The kids should know mommy is a whore

No, they do not. Please refrain from using those terms in general. She can be a super shitty wife and still be a great mother. Do not involve kids in your shit. Grow up.

When one cheats they cheat on the entire family. The horrible consequences will affect everyone for years, so don't be so naive.

I don't think pp is going to use that correct term when telling them why they are divorcing. However, kids will want to know and will find out even if it's from a relative. Best for pp to be honest and explain it one time. Just say mom wanted to date other men and leave it at that. He doesn't need to ever talk badly about her, but being honest about the breakup is very important.

No, she didn't cheat on the entire family. She cheated on her husband. People divorce for all sorts of reasons. Nothing good will come of involving the children.

I'm not naive. I put my kids and not my anger first. The ONLY thing that children need to hear is that mom and dad love them very, very much and will take care of them. Period.

I am divorced myself. My ex is a shit bag. I do not tell my son that. His relationship with his dad is separate from my relationship with his dad.

+1
I 100% agree with you. I also agree that the relationship between a child and a parent is separate and it is really wrong of people to get involved in that. Cheating is between a husband and wife. That is it.

True. However, again, teens and tweens figure this out on their own. No it’s needs to come out and tell them. Mom has a new boyfriend (or dad a new girlfriend) and she/he moved out. Hmmmm.....or even better I’m going to have a new half-sibling...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

Be honest, dads usually get the blame. The kids should know mommy is a whore

No, they do not. Please refrain from using those terms in general. She can be a super shitty wife and still be a great mother. Do not involve kids in your shit. Grow up.

When one cheats they cheat on the entire family. The horrible consequences will affect everyone for years, so don't be so naive.

I don't think pp is going to use that correct term when telling them why they are divorcing. However, kids will want to know and will find out even if it's from a relative. Best for pp to be honest and explain it one time. Just say mom wanted to date other men and leave it at that. He doesn't need to ever talk badly about her, but being honest about the breakup is very important.

No, she didn't cheat on the entire family. She cheated on her husband. People divorce for all sorts of reasons. Nothing good will come of involving the children.

I'm not naive. I put my kids and not my anger first. The ONLY thing that children need to hear is that mom and dad love them very, very much and will take care of them. Period.

I am divorced myself. My ex is a shit bag. I do not tell my son that. His relationship with his dad is separate from my relationship with his dad.

+1
I 100% agree with you. I also agree that the relationship between a child and a parent is separate and it is really wrong of people to get involved in that. Cheating is between a husband and wife. That is it.

I disagree. When my dad cheat he took time away from the family, time he could have been spending with me and my siblings, the money he spent on her was money that should have gone to us, his choices broke up our world. He created us out of that thing and an intact family. His choices mean for the rest of our parents lives my siblings and I have to do a balancing act, and I say this as someone whose parents were cordial to each other, cand oparented pleasantly Yu are kidding yourself if you think cheaing on your spouse doesn't hurt your kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

Be honest, dads usually get the blame. The kids should know mommy is a whore

No, they do not. Please refrain from using those terms in general. She can be a super shitty wife and still be a great mother. Do not involve kids in your shit. Grow up.

When one cheats they cheat on the entire family. The horrible consequences will affect everyone for years, so don't be so naive.

I don't think pp is going to use that correct term when telling them why they are divorcing. However, kids will want to know and will find out even if it's from a relative. Best for pp to be honest and explain it one time. Just say mom wanted to date other men and leave it at that. He doesn't need to ever talk badly about her, but being honest about the breakup is very important.

No, she didn't cheat on the entire family. She cheated on her husband. People divorce for all sorts of reasons. Nothing good will come of involving the children.

I'm not naive. I put my kids and not my anger first. The ONLY thing that children need to hear is that mom and dad love them very, very much and will take care of them. Period.

I am divorced myself. My ex is a shit bag. I do not tell my son that. His relationship with his dad is separate from my relationship with his dad.

+1
I 100% agree with you. I also agree that the relationship between a child and a parent is separate and it is really wrong of people to get involved in that. Cheating is between a husband and wife. That is it.

True. However, again, teens and tweens figure this out on their own. No it’s needs to come out and tell them. Mom has a new boyfriend (or dad a new girlfriend) and she/he moved out. Hmmmm.....or even better I’m going to have a new half-sibling...

This. I figured it out, but I'm no surprised DDCUMERs think their kids won't know, I mean they think their kids still truly believe in Santa at 11 and 12.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. I am going through it as well as I found out my DH cheated for years. He confessed and wants to reconcile but I'm close to filing for divorce.

I am conflicted about telling our kids. I want him out of the house and he is playing the victim card. If I kick him out he's inevitably going to tell the kids I kicked him out and I will look like the mean mom. I'm not telling the kids what he did to protect and preserve their relationship but I foresee that I will end up looking like the bad guy in all of this.

[Anonymous]

OP I'd tell her you are video taping then video tape every single minute of interaction if you are worried about allegations of abuse. Just TELL her on camera for the record.

I like the idea of a separate bedroom with a locking door, you can get a YI camera(s) and record yourself all night that you are in there with the push of a button (cloud storage).

I was told that adultery didn't matter in our community property state, but I did use the threat of making his GF testify to get him to capitulate to things I wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:get a lawyer, she's clearly talking to one.

This, right now! Photograph financial account balances too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell the kids matter-of-factly what happened. Don’t get emotional with the kids about it, but don’t hide the facts.
Taking the high road doesn’t mean deceiving them about the facts.

“Mom decided she wanted to have a relationship with another man instead of me. That made me feel violated. We both decided it was better to get divorced because we don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore, even though we love you and want to do a good job parenting you.”

That’s it. Don’t go into more detail than that. But don’t lie by hiding the truth.

I disagree with this. Your kids don’t need to know she had an affair. You’re putting them in the middle. That opens the door for the wife to say “I had an affair because your father neglected me emotionally” or other BS. Your kids will figure it out but you don’t need to be the one to tell them. Just continue to be a good dad. That’s all they care about.

+1

Telling the kids about an affair is freaking evil and way worse than the original transgression of cheating. All it does is harm the kids and make the spouse who was offended temporarily feel better about themselves. Divorce is bad enough. There is no sense in hurting the kids further by getting them involved in adult business. Marriage is over—that’s it. (And no, I am not a cheater.... but many years ago I told my ex-husband if he did ever cheat I would never ever tell the kids. People who do that are really messed up in the head and are not thinking about the emotional health of their children.)

Haaaa...who says “honey, one day when you cheat on me. Don’t worry I won’t tell Jimmy and Barb.” You are so full of sh@t with this story.

I prefer “Honey- if you cheat, I’ll cut your balls off.”

I did actually say that. I am divorced now. There was no cheating. I do not believe kids need to be burdened with adult relationships on matter what happens.

I used to believe this. When my DH cheated repeatedly, I divorced him but I didn’t say anything to the kids. Twenty years later, I have to say that was a mistake. Kids never really understood what happened, and as a result assumed a lot of things that weren’t true thus causing more damage.


telling the truth simply and honestly is always the best policy.

[Anonymous]

Telling children that their mother is a whore will never play out well in court. That was terrible advice. That's considered alienation and malicious parenting, and would definitely impact any custody arrangement. It's pretty obvious the person who suggested that has never been divorced and had to work out custody.

Ex-wife of a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:get a lawyer, she's clearly talking to one.

This, right now! Photograph financial account balances too.

Folks- here's proof the average poster here is 75.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. I am going through it as well as I found out my DH cheated for years. He confessed and wants to reconcile but I'm close to filing for divorce.

I am conflicted about telling our kids. I want him out of the house and he is playing the victim card. If I kick him out he's inevitably going to tell the kids I kicked him out and I will look like the mean mom. I'm not telling the kids what he did to protect and preserve their relationship but I foresee that I will end up looking like the bad guy in all of this.

You can just say simply that he cheated and that means the marriage is over but that he can still be a good dad. Marriage and parenting are not necessarily the same. Many kids have parents who are divorced and their parents still love them and do their best to be good parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Telling children that their mother is a whore will never play out well in court. That was terrible advice. That's considered alienation and malicious parenting, and would definitely impact any custody arrangement. It's pretty obvious the person who suggested that has never been divorced and had to work out custody.

Ex-wife of a cheater.

Come on, sister. Nobody is saying they will call the mom a whore to the kids’ face, but if tweens/teens ask because they have a high suspicion (or even saw evidence themselves—which they don’t tell) it’s okay to say “mom had a boyfriend or was dating”. This doesn’t change her love for you”. I’m sorry if the cheaters expect the betrayed spouse to look like the bad guy. The kids know.