Husband sent private emails to a friend about our relationship

[Anonymous]

PP here. *realizing (sorry for typos) - good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he shared your email that referenced issues with your sex life, and the issue with your sex life is that he cheated with a man, I'm pretty sure the friend understands his transgressions.

The email was issues that we were having in bed together and how I wanted to address them. He didn't share anything about his cheating or any bisexual issues with his friend. It's 2020. A lot of communication is done via email or text. We lead busy lives with work and kids. Maybe we could talk more in person if we worked together on the farm, but we don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

Um...you cannot fix this. As a queer person, it is done. If he has "homosexual tendencies", this likely means he is gay or further on the spectrum toward the same-sex leaning side than he is at this moment willing to admit (maybe to himself as well). If he is bi and is comfortable with never relizing the homosexual potential in this relationship, for live, then that is one thing. But, if he is struggling with whether or not to live a life "truer" to who he really is, take this disclosure to the close male friend as what it is - a level of intimacy with a male friend that makes you nervous. Listen to that gut.

He says he may be bi and wants to never realize any homosexual potential. It's all new territory for me. Sending my personal email regarding a sexual experience to another is too confiding in a person outside our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he shared your email that referenced issues with your sex life, and the issue with your sex life is that he cheated with a man, I'm pretty sure the friend understands his transgressions.

The email was issues that we were having in bed together and how I wanted to address them. He didn't share anything about his cheating or any bisexual issues with his friend. It's 2020. A lot of communication is done via email or text. We lead busy lives with work and kids. Maybe we could talk more in person if we worked together on the farm, but we don't.

For the love - you are having issues in bed because you are not a dude and he wants to sleep with dudes. Maybe only 50% of the time or 40% of the time or 80% of the time. Who knows? Only him. But it is over. I am so sorry. But you MUST know this. The kind thing to do for yourself is figure out how to end it without it tapering off into some painful multi-year thing that you drag your kids through after which you end up in the exact same place. You lack critical body parts and critical gender orientation(s) that he is interested in for whatever reason now vs. when you got married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12:52. I know. You are totally correct, but like your son, it's not easy to disengage from a relationship especially with children. You may feel responsible for your parenting and I feel responsible for my choice to marry him and have kids with him. As long as he's willing to work, I'm willing to work on it too too, but I'm glad I had this conversation to sort out why it was so violating and it seemed to work since he apologized and is making amends. The other issue I didn't disclose is that with his friend, he never mentioned his own issues and what havoc he brought to the relationship like the cheating. That's a sure sign to me that a person isn't having a productive conversation if all they can do is share someone else's experience and emotion and not their own. I wish you luck with your DS. All the sharing online has pressed boundaries more than where we were a decade or so ago.

DP. This is a pretty big detail to leave out. Another gut reaction for you to take or leave: Your husband doesn’t really want to fix your marriage, he wants to do just enough to keep you from leaving with having to truly own up to what he did wrong or make significant changes to prevent it from happening again. And deep down, perhaps subconsciously, you know this and that’s why you keep sharing the story in drips and drabs, so you can get the response you want from us rather than a real one.

I didn't mean to. I started out just wanting to know if it was at all understandable for someone forward their spouse's personal emails when they had a conflict with their spouse. You are probably correct though on how I'm feeling. But his word also keeps saying that he wants to fix the marriage and work on it. He probably means a little of both. He wants to work on it, but it's hard for him because of his communication issues and because of these other natural tendencies he's been suppressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:52. I know. You are totally correct, but like your son, it's not easy to disengage from a relationship especially with children. You may feel responsible for your parenting and I feel responsible for my choice to marry him and have kids with him. As long as he's willing to work, I'm willing to work on it too too, but I'm glad I had this conversation to sort out why it was so violating and it seemed to work since he apologized and is making amends. The other issue I didn't disclose is that with his friend, he never mentioned his own issues and what havoc he brought to the relationship like the cheating. That's a sure sign to me that a person isn't having a productive conversation if all they can do is share someone else's experience and emotion and not their own. I wish you luck with your DS. All the sharing online has pressed boundaries more than where we were a decade or so ago.

I am 12:52. I had children with my cheater and felt compelled to stay and work things out. But, at a certain point it was clear that cheating and dishonesty were never going to stop and I had to consider what kind of lesson I was teaching my children if I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship. (Cheating is definitely a form of emotional abuse.)

15 years later, in hindsight, I can say that what I did to try to maintain the marital relationship and the co-parenting relationship was actually damaging to my kids. Because the dishonesty And taking advantage continues in many other forms in co-parenting. In retrospect, I can see now that By maintaining even a co-parenting relationship with him what I actually did was model that abuse was normal. I see my son in particular perpetuating that in his own relationships. The kids and I would have been much better off cutting ties drastically and for me to parallel parent only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12:52. I know. You are totally correct, but like your son, it's not easy to disengage from a relationship especially with children. You may feel responsible for your parenting and I feel responsible for my choice to marry him and have kids with him. As long as he's willing to work, I'm willing to work on it too too, but I'm glad I had this conversation to sort out why it was so violating and it seemed to work since he apologized and is making amends. The other issue I didn't disclose is that with his friend, he never mentioned his own issues and what havoc he brought to the relationship like the cheating. That's a sure sign to me that a person isn't having a productive conversation if all they can do is share someone else's experience and emotion and not their own. I wish you luck with your DS. All the sharing online has pressed boundaries more than where we were a decade or so ago.

I am 12:52. I had children with my cheater and felt compelled to stay and work things out. But, at a certain point it was clear that cheating and dishonesty were never going to stop and I had to consider what kind of lesson I was teaching my children if I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship. (Cheating is definitely a form of emotional abuse.)

15 years later, in hindsight, I can say that what I did to try to maintain the marital relationship and the co-parenting relationship was actually damaging to my kids. Because the dishonesty And taking advantage continues in many other forms in co-parenting. In retrospect, I can see now that By maintaining even a co-parenting relationship with him what I actually did was model that abuse was normal. I see my son in particular perpetuating that in his own relationships. The kids and I would have been much better off cutting ties drastically and for me to parallel parent only.

I do worry about this. Things were getting better. We've had 3 relatively good months with no cheating or dishonesty. I have worries about him being alone with the kids too if we separate and the money problems affecting my kids. I don't know. Working with someone who isn't whole themselves is just hard either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

Um...you cannot fix this. As a queer person, it is done. If he has "homosexual tendencies", this likely means he is gay or further on the spectrum toward the same-sex leaning side than he is at this moment willing to admit (maybe to himself as well). If he is bi and is comfortable with never relizing the homosexual potential in this relationship, for live, then that is one thing. But, if he is struggling with whether or not to live a life "truer" to who he really is, take this disclosure to the close male friend as what it is - a level of intimacy with a male friend that makes you nervous. Listen to that gut.

He says he may be bi and wants to never realize any homosexual potential. It's all new territory for me. Sending my personal email regarding a sexual experience to another is too confiding in a person outside our relationship.

PP to whom you are answering. I promise you, if he "may be" bi, he is (at minimum). Whether or not he has the ability to come to terms with it rapidly enough to not make this an intolerably long process for you, is really for him to determine. But, if I were you, in this relationships, and absent an inability to support my household and at least 50% of our children's needs, I would figure two things out. First, am I comfortable living with the knowledge that my life partner wants to sleep with people of a different gender than I and either trust him (and this is dicey since he cheated already) to not do so because it would violate rules around monogamy that we have in place even if this causes him distress/loss/sadness for life or I can live with opening up the marriage if/when it comes to that ask. Second, do I as a cis, het woman really want this level of complication in the next 2, 5, 10 years. It will keep coming up whether it is anger, resentment or depression from unrealized desire/identity, questions as to opening up the relationship, potential of an open relationship actually leading to divorce and heartbreak, etc. I truly feel for you. This absolutely sucks. If I were in your place, I would come to terms with this being over and make a plan to break off cleanly, support my kids in loving both of us, including their potentially gay/bi father, and find happiness elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he shared your email that referenced issues with your sex life, and the issue with your sex life is that he cheated with a man, I'm pretty sure the friend understands his transgressions.

The email was issues that we were having in bed together and how I wanted to address them. He didn't share anything about his cheating or any bisexual issues with his friend. It's 2020. A lot of communication is done via email or text. We lead busy lives with work and kids. Maybe we could talk more in person if we worked together on the farm, but we don't.

For the love - you are having issues in bed because you are not a dude and he wants to sleep with dudes. Maybe only 50% of the time or 40% of the time or 80% of the time. Who knows? Only him. But it is over. I am so sorry. But you MUST know this. The kind thing to do for yourself is figure out how to end it without it tapering off into some painful multi-year thing that you drag your kids through after which you end up in the exact same place. You lack critical body parts and critical gender orientation(s) that he is interested in for whatever reason now vs. when you got married.

NP here. OP, listen to this PP. And you are not alone. I'm currently divorcing my husband, who cheated on me with men but claims to have no attraction to men and will no doubt start dating another woman soon. Before this, I did not know there were such deeply closeted men still in 2020, from a liberal, nonreligious family, in a metropolis, so closeted that they can't even admit it to themselves. But now I know better. It will take you time to understand that there's no saving this, but I hope you get there sooner rather than later. It's ultimately freeing. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure I can support my family at 50%. Why we women stay in these relationships and try to work them out. It's a bumpy road for sure. I have bigger issues than this email. It's just a manifestation of my fears and I should deal with them more directly which he says he wants to do now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure I can support my family at 50%. Why we women stay in these relationships and try to work them out. It's a bumpy road for sure. I have bigger issues than this email. It's just a manifestation of my fears and I should deal with them more directly which he says he wants to do now.

Oh this is lamentable. Two full time working households are tough. But the mental freedom that comes from knowing you can just walk away is incredible. Not that one would but that you have options. Anyway, my steps then would be to figure how how I could reach this level of independence in the next 1-2 years and move in that direction. ASAP. The current situation actually provides some opportunities with education being remote as well as many jobs. If you cannot yet cover a portion of the cost of child care while you make your career prospects more robust. Also, you can always think about how you might downsize. Don't let this "trying" falsely string you along. It's not going to work in a way that you will be...happy, ultimately. People cannot alter their sexual orientation. And, unfortunately, the life he's built with you is the barrier impeding his full self realization, whether or not he suppresses that for the rest of his life. It just doesn't put you in a place where you would be fully appreciated, cherished, loved for the whole of who you are, which is really foundational for a good marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure I can support my family at 50%. Why we women stay in these relationships and try to work them out. It's a bumpy road for sure. I have bigger issues than this email. It's just a manifestation of my fears and I should deal with them more directly which he says he wants to do now.

Oh this is lamentable. Two full time working households are tough. But the mental freedom that comes from knowing you can just walk away is incredible. Not that one would but that you have options. Anyway, my steps then would be to figure how how I could reach this level of independence in the next 1-2 years and move in that direction. ASAP. The current situation actually provides some opportunities with education being remote as well as many jobs. If you cannot yet cover a portion of the cost of child care while you make your career prospects more robust. Also, you can always think about how you might downsize. Don't let this "trying" falsely string you along. It's not going to work in a way that you will be...happy, ultimately. People cannot alter their sexual orientation. And, unfortunately, the life he's built with you is the barrier impeding his full self realization, whether or not he suppresses that for the rest of his life. It just doesn't put you in a place where you would be fully appreciated, cherished, loved for the whole of who you are, which is really foundational for a good marriage.

Thanks. I am working on this while also working on the marriage in hopes that it will fix me and the marriage or at least one of them. I will also try to stop sweating the smaller stuff like the emails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

Um...you cannot fix this. As a queer person, it is done. If he has "homosexual tendencies", this likely means he is gay or further on the spectrum toward the same-sex leaning side than he is at this moment willing to admit (maybe to himself as well). If he is bi and is comfortable with never relizing the homosexual potential in this relationship, for live, then that is one thing. But, if he is struggling with whether or not to live a life "truer" to who he really is, take this disclosure to the close male friend as what it is - a level of intimacy with a male friend that makes you nervous. Listen to that gut.

+1

I keep getting “denial” in everyone of your posts OP. You keep talking about fixing the marriage. Unfortunately, the source of the problem is not something to be fixed. It’s not fixable. Your husband is gay...or at the very least bisexual with strong homosexual leanings.

He can’t continue to repress and live a lie. It’s going to ma first in resentment and acting out. Then, the STI issue is glaring. Men tend to be way more promiscuous, gay men in particular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure I can support my family at 50%. Why we women stay in these relationships and try to work them out. It's a bumpy road for sure. I have bigger issues than this email. It's just a manifestation of my fears and I should deal with them more directly which he says he wants to do now.

Oh this is lamentable. Two full time working households are tough. But the mental freedom that comes from knowing you can just walk away is incredible. Not that one would but that you have options. Anyway, my steps then would be to figure how how I could reach this level of independence in the next 1-2 years and move in that direction. ASAP. The current situation actually provides some opportunities with education being remote as well as many jobs. If you cannot yet cover a portion of the cost of child care while you make your career prospects more robust. Also, you can always think about how you might downsize. Don't let this "trying" falsely string you along. It's not going to work in a way that you will be...happy, ultimately. People cannot alter their sexual orientation. And, unfortunately, the life he's built with you is the barrier impeding his full self realization, whether or not he suppresses that for the rest of his life. It just doesn't put you in a place where you would be fully appreciated, cherished, loved for the whole of who you are, which is really foundational for a good marriage.

Thanks. I am working on this while also working on the marriage in hopes that it will fix me and the marriage or at least one of them. I will also try to stop sweating the smaller stuff like the emails.

I don't think the email is a small thing. Not in the broader context of it being about challenges with your sex life, to a male friend with whom he shares deeper levels of emotional intimacy as compared to you at the moment and with the sexual orientation and cheating issue. Your feelings about it are your broader, justified fears abt the messy bi/gay situation. Don't go back to sticking your head in the sand just bc you don't have a full fledged out plan. I mean...reducing conflict by comparamentalizing, sure, but don't dismiss it internally.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. It's interesting how at first people saw the issue as my problem solely and the emails as benign and now see it as a sign the relationship is unfixable. I think it just points to the fact that both of us really don't know yet and still have a journey to figure this all out. More work to do in 2021.