Husband sent private emails to a friend about our relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone should have at least one outsideperson they can confide in about their relationship. I can see why it would be hurtful to read. If you found these messages while snooping, you hurt yourself and further damaged your relationship. If you found them completely by accident, it's clear that you and your spouse are in a very adversarial place. I'd think seriously about whether you want to do the work to try and save the relationship. If you believe your spouse is lying to and manipulating the therapist, there may not be anything to save.

I totally agree it's ok to tell a friend what his problems are. To me it's overstepping to forward several email where I expressed my problems with the relationship and then not tell me about it.

Ohhhh he forwarded your emails to your friend? Yeah would tick me off. It’s forgivable but not without a big apology. That’s like him reading your journal.

No, I wrote my husband several emails about problems I had in our relationship and my husband forwarded his friend my emails without my consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me the big problem (aside from my pride and my desire to “win” in the counseling session) would be the level of detail. There are limits, especially when you’re all friends.

It’s also unfortunate that it doesn’t seem like he confided in the friend in good faith (seems like he was looking for validation instead of genuine feedback). But it is good for men to talk about stuff like this. They usually don’t. And it makes sense that he would be more willing to confide privately to a friend than to a counselor.

Also keep in mind that your husband and friend might be right. I have no idea but it’s important to have some humility in counseling.

So I don’t think this was cool of him, but not the worst thing either. Hopefully the awkwardness with the friend will blow over.

Do you hear yourself? You want to "win" at counseling. He didn't confide in good faith. He was looking for validation instead of genuine feedback.

You need to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't you confide in friends about various problems? He's doing the same.

Yes, but I don't forward personal emails from my spouse to another. And I don't disclose very personal information. I also don't use my friends in the same way. I sometimes use them as a listening board, but more often than not, they are just there to say "I'm sorry this is what you're going through" and just let me get something off my chest.

Maybe I am overreacting. It's the secrecy that bothers me the most. He never even disclosed he was talking to this friend about us.

I can understand why you feel the way you do, but his actions sound reasonable to me. Think about the fact that if this is a mutual friend, that person knows you and has both of your best interests in mind. Confiding in a friend also helps your husband process information so he can move forward. I think you should trust it.

PP here- I just saw the comment about homosexual tendencies and want to change my answer. I think you need out. It is just too complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

Just FYI he doesn’t have homosexual tendencies, he is more in the bisexual part of the Kinsey scale, and there is nothing inherently wrong with that. He can still be committed to you and have attractions to other genders.

Probably true, but to me he isn't working on our relationship when he sends these emails to his friend rather than responding back to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me the big problem (aside from my pride and my desire to “win” in the counseling session) would be the level of detail. There are limits, especially when you’re all friends.

It’s also unfortunate that it doesn’t seem like he confided in the friend in good faith (seems like he was looking for validation instead of genuine feedback). But it is good for men to talk about stuff like this. They usually don’t. And it makes sense that he would be more willing to confide privately to a friend than to a counselor.

Also keep in mind that your husband and friend might be right. I have no idea but it’s important to have some humility in counseling.

So I don’t think this was cool of him, but not the worst thing either. Hopefully the awkwardness with the friend will blow over.

Do you hear yourself? You want to "win" at counseling. He didn't confide in good faith. He was looking for validation instead of genuine feedback.

You need to stop.

OP didn’t write that...

[Anonymous]

Why are you writing personal emails to your DH that he in turn, has forwarded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

Just FYI he doesn’t have homosexual tendencies, he is more in the bisexual part of the Kinsey scale, and there is nothing inherently wrong with that. He can still be committed to you and have attractions to other genders.

Unless you're the OP, how can you know this? He might be gay, he might not be. Having a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman does not make one bisexual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you writing personal emails to your DH that he in turn, has forwarded?

I shouldn't write personal emails to my spouse? That's a new one. Why?

[Anonymous]

Do you sent your dh an email listing all the problems you find with your marriage. Your DH in turn forwarded that to his friend because he needed a sounding board regarding your list. His friend helped him work through it and figure out how he felt about it and encouraged him to bring it up in your marriage counseling.

Sounds like this is a good way for your dh to deal with things. Obviously he's having a hard time bringing up his feelings in marriage counseling and this friend is helping him be able to. Marriage counseling won't work if your dh can't bring up his points too.

Something about your approach to all this seems off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

Just FYI he doesn’t have homosexual tendencies, he is more in the bisexual part of the Kinsey scale, and there is nothing inherently wrong with that. He can still be committed to you and have attractions to other genders.

Probably true, but to me he isn't working on our relationship when he sends these emails to his friend rather than responding back to me.

It very well might be. Maybe he had a genuine intent to just use them for context and not to bash you (which would still be unacceptable) but unless that’s the case it seems like he isn’t playing ball. For now at least.

I really don’t see what his sexual preferences have to do with this unless you suspect some sort of emotional or physical cheating brewing. If he’s bi and has friends, he is always going to be friends with somebody he could potentially be attracted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you sent your dh an email listing all the problems you find with your marriage. Your DH in turn forwarded that to his friend because he needed a sounding board regarding your list. His friend helped him work through it and figure out how he felt about it and encouraged him to bring it up in your marriage counseling.

Sounds like this is a good way for your dh to deal with things. Obviously he's having a hard time bringing up his feelings in marriage counseling and this friend is helping him be able to. Marriage counseling won't work if your dh can't bring up his points too.

Something about your approach to all this seems off.

I think that is a very generous interpretation of the facts on the part of OP’s husband. I highly doubt it’s all black and white like that.

[Anonymous]

You think you were "wronged" and have created this thread on a public website to discuss him with the general public? Hmmm.

[Anonymous]

Op are you annoyed that he forwarded the email and asked for his friends input or are you annoyed that his friend agreed you are part of the problem and gave your dh the confidence to bring that up in therapy? Sounds like you want dh to be the bad one and are pissed that someone is insinuating you are guilty too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you sent your dh an email listing all the problems you find with your marriage. Your DH in turn forwarded that to his friend because he needed a sounding board regarding your list. His friend helped him work through it and figure out how he felt about it and encouraged him to bring it up in your marriage counseling.

Sounds like this is a good way for your dh to deal with things. Obviously he's having a hard time bringing up his feelings in marriage counseling and this friend is helping him be able to. Marriage counseling won't work if your dh can't bring up his points too.

Something about your approach to all this seems off.

Yes, this is what happened. He didn't bring it up in marriage counseling. I found out about it a different way by accident, but the end result is the same. I agree marriage counseling won't work if he can't talk, but to me this is a breach of trust. If he can't really talk during marriage counseling without first getting validation from his friend, doesn't that point to larger issues with his personality and ability to handle things in the marriage? Is this friend going to be with us as a sideboard throughout the marriage after counseling too?

[Anonymous]

I think you are overreacting. You keep saying that he forwarded YOUR emails and is discussing YOUR problems, but if you sent the emails to him, and they are about relationship issues, they are now his emails (although written by you) and about his relationship problems. Forwarding the emails just makes it easier to discuss with his friend, because his friend can read exactly what you said instead of having your husband summarize (and perhaps distort) what you said. This is just a difference in how private each of you tends to be, there is no right or wrong here.