Husband sent private emails to a friend about our relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You think you were "wronged" and have created this thread on a public website to discuss him with the general public? Hmmm.

Well it's anonymous. Isn't that what this thread is for? A sounding board without a lot of detail to track?

[Anonymous]

I would not be okay with forwarding my emails, though I would be okay with him talking to a friend about our issues. To me it's like the difference between telling a friend about an argument and recording an argument to play for a friend. What you wrote to him was private, and if he wanted to forward it he should have asked permission or paraphrased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You think you were "wronged" and have created this thread on a public website to discuss him with the general public? Hmmm.

Is she bringing up highly detailed and personal information to a close friend? No? Then it’s not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are overreacting. You keep saying that he forwarded YOUR emails and is discussing YOUR problems, but if you sent the emails to him, and they are about relationship issues, they are now his emails (although written by you) and about his relationship problems. Forwarding the emails just makes it easier to discuss with his friend, because his friend can read exactly what you said instead of having your husband summarize (and perhaps distort) what you said. This is just a difference in how private each of you tends to be, there is no right or wrong here.

I guess you are right, but it overstepped my feelings for privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you sent your dh an email listing all the problems you find with your marriage. Your DH in turn forwarded that to his friend because he needed a sounding board regarding your list. His friend helped him work through it and figure out how he felt about it and encouraged him to bring it up in your marriage counseling.

Sounds like this is a good way for your dh to deal with things. Obviously he's having a hard time bringing up his feelings in marriage counseling and this friend is helping him be able to. Marriage counseling won't work if your dh can't bring up his points too.

Something about your approach to all this seems off.

Yes, this is what happened. He didn't bring it up in marriage counseling. I found out about it a different way by accident, but the end result is the same. I agree marriage counseling won't work if he can't talk, but to me this is a breach of trust. If he can't really talk during marriage counseling without first getting validation from his friend, doesn't that point to larger issues with his personality and ability to handle things in the marriage? Is this friend going to be with us as a sideboard throughout the marriage after counseling too?

Or it could point to issues on dealing with things with you. Maybe you make it difficult for him to be open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you writing personal emails to your DH that he in turn, has forwarded?

I shouldn't write personal emails to my spouse? That's a new one. Why?

New poster: email is just an odd medium for communicating with your spouse and if he's not responding it's also not an effective way to communicate. I do think forwarding the email was a bad choice on his part, but relatively small in the ball of dysfunction that is your relationship. How to communicate effectively with each other and what is appropriate to share with people outside of the relationship would be good topics to cover in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you sent your dh an email listing all the problems you find with your marriage. Your DH in turn forwarded that to his friend because he needed a sounding board regarding your list. His friend helped him work through it and figure out how he felt about it and encouraged him to bring it up in your marriage counseling.

Sounds like this is a good way for your dh to deal with things. Obviously he's having a hard time bringing up his feelings in marriage counseling and this friend is helping him be able to. Marriage counseling won't work if your dh can't bring up his points too.

Something about your approach to all this seems off.

Yes, this is what happened. He didn't bring it up in marriage counseling. I found out about it a different way by accident, but the end result is the same. I agree marriage counseling won't work if he can't talk, but to me this is a breach of trust. If he can't really talk during marriage counseling without first getting validation from his friend, doesn't that point to larger issues with his personality and ability to handle things in the marriage? Is this friend going to be with us as a sideboard throughout the marriage after counseling too?

I don’t agree with the jumps in logic you are making. Just because he discussed with his friend first doesn’t mean he has to do that, and even if he really likes to discuss with a party he trusts before meeting with the counselor, that says nothing about his ability to be in a marriage. And if you get to a better place, he may not feel the desire or need to discuss things with friend - you are making huge, illogical conclusions from these emails!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not be okay with forwarding my emails, though I would be okay with him talking to a friend about our issues. To me it's like the difference between telling a friend about an argument and recording an argument to play for a friend. What you wrote to him was private, and if he wanted to forward it he should have asked permission or paraphrased.

Yes, I would have been completely fine with the first, but not the second scenario and the second scenario is what happened. I don't know why exactly. It's just too personal and I feel like he's not taking ownership of his own feelings. Like he's not really growing. Just trying to share to get more dislikes or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Well I can see why you're in marriage counseling. Maybe you should ask yourself why dh needs the confidence of his friend to bring up issues. Sounds like you are very difficult to deal with.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t be ok with this, but seems like a concern to bring up in counseling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you sent your dh an email listing all the problems you find with your marriage. Your DH in turn forwarded that to his friend because he needed a sounding board regarding your list. His friend helped him work through it and figure out how he felt about it and encouraged him to bring it up in your marriage counseling.

Sounds like this is a good way for your dh to deal with things. Obviously he's having a hard time bringing up his feelings in marriage counseling and this friend is helping him be able to. Marriage counseling won't work if your dh can't bring up his points too.

Something about your approach to all this seems off.

Yes, this is what happened. He didn't bring it up in marriage counseling. I found out about it a different way by accident, but the end result is the same. I agree marriage counseling won't work if he can't talk, but to me this is a breach of trust. If he can't really talk during marriage counseling without first getting validation from his friend, doesn't that point to larger issues with his personality and ability to handle things in the marriage? Is this friend going to be with us as a sideboard throughout the marriage after counseling too?

Or it could point to issues on dealing with things with you. Maybe you make it difficult for him to be open.

That is probably true. He has a lot of communication issues with many people including me. He's never talked to this friend before about our relationship and the friend has had a host of relationship issues himself none of which were talked about in detail over the years. I'm not saying I'm a perfect person. But we agreed that therapy would be the medium for discussion. There needs to be respect and honestly and transparency to move forward, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are overreacting. You keep saying that he forwarded YOUR emails and is discussing YOUR problems, but if you sent the emails to him, and they are about relationship issues, they are now his emails (although written by you) and about his relationship problems. Forwarding the emails just makes it easier to discuss with his friend, because his friend can read exactly what you said instead of having your husband summarize (and perhaps distort) what you said. This is just a difference in how private each of you tends to be, there is no right or wrong here.

I guess you are right, but it overstepped my feelings for privacy.

If you tell him that, and he ignores you, then you have cause to be upset. If he doesn’t feel the same way he may not realize that’s how you felt. Ask him not to forward your emails (although he should be free to discuss things with his friend) and see if he will honor your wishes in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am upset about something and wondering if I am overreacting. We are having marital problems and are seeing individual and couples and counseling and in the middle of counseling I found out my husband was sending personal private emails that included very detailed information about our relationship from me to him to a friend to get validation for his feelings and then using that confidence to argue in counseling for his position. I feel it's a breach of trust and transparency and a sign that he's not really willing to work together with me on a solution for our marriage.

BTDT in my first marriage. I found out because he must have hit reply all instead of forward. Stupidly, I forgave this without asking to go through his account. Turned out they were in the middle of an emotional affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I can see why you're in marriage counseling. Maybe you should ask yourself why dh needs the confidence of his friend to bring up issues. Sounds like you are very difficult to deal with.

Probably so, but that is somewhat situational based on the affair and other issues he had in the relationship as well.

I will bring it up in therapy. It isn't a big deal I guess to some.

[Anonymous]

I think it all depends on what the nature is of the emails that were forwarded -- i.e., how private -- and how sensitive the information is that he was sharing. So no one can give good advice without that. But I would say that, absent something clearly out of bounds, you should let him have this outlet. Who cares if he is trying to advocate his side in therapy. Maybe he's in the right, but that is what the therapist is for -- to help you sort through everything. If the therapist isn't able to help you negotiate this, then you need to find a new one.