Husband sent private emails to a friend about our relationship

[Anonymous]

I am upset about something and wondering if I am overreacting. We are having marital problems and are seeing individual and couples and counseling and in the middle of counseling I found out my husband was sending personal private emails that included very detailed information about our relationship from me to him to a friend to get validation for his feelings and then using that confidence to argue in counseling for his position. I feel it's a breach of trust and transparency and a sign that he's not really willing to work together with me on a solution for our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Don't you confide in friends about various problems? He's doing the same.

[Anonymous]

To add on, my husband only has less than one handful of friends, and this is a friend we get together with somewhat regularly. I feel betrayed and also uncomfortable around this person now. I don't understand why the therapist wasn't enough for him. Or even a site like this to express anything about our relationship in a less personal way.

[Anonymous]

Yes you are overreacting.

How did you find this out exactly?

[Anonymous]

a female friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't you confide in friends about various problems? He's doing the same.

Yes, but I don't forward personal emails from my spouse to another. And I don't disclose very personal information. I also don't use my friends in the same way. I sometimes use them as a listening board, but more often than not, they are just there to say "I'm sorry this is what you're going through" and just let me get something off my chest.

Maybe I am overreacting. It's the secrecy that bothers me the most. He never even disclosed he was talking to this friend about us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

[Anonymous]

I think everyone should have at least one outsideperson they can confide in about their relationship. I can see why it would be hurtful to read. If you found these messages while snooping, you hurt yourself and further damaged your relationship. If you found them completely by accident, it's clear that you and your spouse are in a very adversarial place. I'd think seriously about whether you want to do the work to try and save the relationship. If you believe your spouse is lying to and manipulating the therapist, there may not be anything to save.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't you confide in friends about various problems? He's doing the same.

But he's not to me anyway. He's confiding in his friends my problems. Not his.

[Anonymous]

For me the big problem (aside from my pride and my desire to “win” in the counseling session) would be the level of detail. There are limits, especially when you’re all friends.

It’s also unfortunate that it doesn’t seem like he confided in the friend in good faith (seems like he was looking for validation instead of genuine feedback). But it is good for men to talk about stuff like this. They usually don’t. And it makes sense that he would be more willing to confide privately to a friend than to a counselor.

Also keep in mind that your husband and friend might be right. I have no idea but it’s important to have some humility in counseling.

So I don’t think this was cool of him, but not the worst thing either. Hopefully the awkwardness with the friend will blow over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't you confide in friends about various problems? He's doing the same.

Yes, but I don't forward personal emails from my spouse to another. And I don't disclose very personal information. I also don't use my friends in the same way. I sometimes use them as a listening board, but more often than not, they are just there to say "I'm sorry this is what you're going through" and just let me get something off my chest.

Maybe I am overreacting. It's the secrecy that bothers me the most. He never even disclosed he was talking to this friend about us.

I can understand why you feel the way you do, but his actions sound reasonable to me. Think about the fact that if this is a mutual friend, that person knows you and has both of your best interests in mind. Confiding in a friend also helps your husband process information so he can move forward. I think you should trust it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone should have at least one outsideperson they can confide in about their relationship. I can see why it would be hurtful to read. If you found these messages while snooping, you hurt yourself and further damaged your relationship. If you found them completely by accident, it's clear that you and your spouse are in a very adversarial place. I'd think seriously about whether you want to do the work to try and save the relationship. If you believe your spouse is lying to and manipulating the therapist, there may not be anything to save.

I totally agree it's ok to tell a friend what his problems are. To me it's overstepping to forward several email where I expressed my problems with the relationship and then not tell me about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

Just FYI he doesn’t have homosexual tendencies, he is more in the bisexual part of the Kinsey scale, and there is nothing inherently wrong with that. He can still be committed to you and have attractions to other genders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone should have at least one outsideperson they can confide in about their relationship. I can see why it would be hurtful to read. If you found these messages while snooping, you hurt yourself and further damaged your relationship. If you found them completely by accident, it's clear that you and your spouse are in a very adversarial place. I'd think seriously about whether you want to do the work to try and save the relationship. If you believe your spouse is lying to and manipulating the therapist, there may not be anything to save.

I totally agree it's ok to tell a friend what his problems are. To me it's overstepping to forward several email where I expressed my problems with the relationship and then not tell me about it.

Ohhhh he forwarded your emails to your friend? Yeah would tick me off. It’s forgivable but not without a big apology. That’s like him reading your journal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me the big problem (aside from my pride and my desire to “win” in the counseling session) would be the level of detail. There are limits, especially when you’re all friends.

It’s also unfortunate that it doesn’t seem like he confided in the friend in good faith (seems like he was looking for validation instead of genuine feedback). But it is good for men to talk about stuff like this. They usually don’t. And it makes sense that he would be more willing to confide privately to a friend than to a counselor.

Also keep in mind that your husband and friend might be right. I have no idea but it’s important to have some humility in counseling.

So I don’t think this was cool of him, but not the worst thing either. Hopefully the awkwardness with the friend will blow over.

Your husband and friend might be right about what? I'm not following.