Husband sent private emails to a friend about our relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. It's interesting how at first people saw the issue as my problem solely and the emails as benign and now see it as a sign the relationship is unfixable. I think it just points to the fact that both of us really don't know yet and still have a journey to figure this all out. More work to do in 2021.

Well, people saw it that way because you didn't say at the outset that he's gay. He's gay. There's nothing you can do to repair your heterosexual marriage to a gay man.

[Anonymous]

Stop sending him emails or communicate and pack his bags and tell him to get out. Both of you need to stop oversharing with others.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have made some statements about staying together for the money. I really encourage you to do a short consult with an attorney who can give you a realistic guide for how custody and child support and debt/asset split will go down in a divorce. 1-2 hours if time will give you a more realistic view of the finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have made some statements about staying together for the money. I really encourage you to do a short consult with an attorney who can give you a realistic guide for how custody and child support and debt/asset split will go down in a divorce. 1-2 hours if time will give you a more realistic view of the finances.

It's not just the money, but thank you. Good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

What are homosexual tendencies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

What are homosexual tendencies?

He texted with other men and cheated on one for a few months this year. It's been about six months since then. Said he wasn't sure if he was bi or not, but then later said he didn't have these feelings anymore and wanted to save the relationship. The emails were a violation of privacy but they also pointed to something bigger that he seemed to be engaging in male emotional connections again even if with a hetero guy.

[Anonymous]

My exh caught me talking about our marriage to some friends at a NYE party and got so mad he chased me down the street calling me a stupid bitch.

He doesn't like to look bad.

[Anonymous]

Sorry cheated one time with one. It was a hook up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My exh caught me talking about our marriage to some friends at a NYE party and got so mad he chased me down the street calling me a stupid bitch.

He doesn't like to look bad.

I'm OP and I would have a problem with that too, but would just tell my DH in private and then come here to complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see the issue. Women do this all the time. Most people have someone to discuss relationship problems with that can help them. It's only a problem in my opinion if it's their mom (I don't think family members should be involved in a marriage). I think you're overreacting.

Actually they don't. Or if they do, it's frowned upon. I would be eliminated from most friend groups if I disclosed so much personal information or forwarded a personal email from my DH. Most women can just talk about their personal feelings and events in their life from their own perspective. Men I guess cannot and need a woman's words to say what they feel.

You need new friends. My friends could absolutely share an email from their partner with me if they needed to discuss it. I am not deleting a good friend from my life over a forwarded personal email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

What are homosexual tendencies?

Having sex with other men.

[Anonymous]

He cheated. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you cheat? Is this what he’s confusing about?

No, he did.

With a man?

yes.

Why are you in counseling?

If my husband had sex with a man, it would be over.

Counseling can’t change his sexual orientation. Bi and/or gay male are a no go for me.

Well that's you. He says he's committed to me and working out the issues in our relationship. Says he doesn't want to break up the marriage. I've tried to believe him and work through the issues. Which now seem to include his good friend to a level that I don't feel comfortable with.

OK but what do YOU want? Who cares what he wants, he cheated. What do YOU want? And if you aren't getting that, what do you plan to do about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

What are homosexual tendencies?

He texted with other men and cheated on one for a few months this year. It's been about six months since then. Said he wasn't sure if he was bi or not, but then later said he didn't have these feelings anymore and wanted to save the relationship. The emails were a violation of privacy but they also pointed to something bigger that he seemed to be engaging in male emotional connections again even if with a hetero guy.

Those feelings didn’t go away, he’s lying to you so you don’t leave. Stay if it suits you, but do so with the understanding and acceptance that this will happen again.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think there is too much here dragging things down.

He didn't just confide in another person, he forwarded emails that are private, detailing issues with your sex life. That, to me, is a big boundary violation.

Secondly, he seems unable or unwilling to engage with you on these, but is willing to forge (needing to forge?) an emotional connection with his friend.

He cheated on you. With a man. and had flirtations with other men. You say that he said he's "done" with that, but I really, truly dont think married straight men cheat on their wives with another man once and they're over it. It doesn't really work that way. I think this is a bigger issue and he could be very afraid of figuring it out and what it means for the picture of his life, but I wonder if this is not part of the issue (esp bedroom issues).

also, he cheated on you! This is big. You mention that you have 10 things every session to talk about in therapy--yikes.

I really think there is so much going against this marriage. What is going for it? and how intimate--emotionally, physically--are you two, really, if you're conducting relationship talks by email?