Husband sent private emails to a friend about our relationship

[Anonymous]

I would be terrified of contracting a deadly sti.

Closeted gay men take a lot of risks. In parks, bathrooms, etc with total strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I have a therapist and I'm starting to make a plan financially that might not include him. It's not easy to figure out a new way forward when you have kids, a job, friends, a body to take care of, COVID fears, and a life you have to manage. I maybe have 2 hours a week to really devote to these new endeavors. We actually do have fun together as a family as well and that's important especially during the holidays. For now, all my work on me has to be on the side while I try to raise my kids in the best way I can.

The emails were a trivial matter. It just ate at my insecurity. I've moved on.

These are excuses. Life is not nor has it ever been easy. You are choosing not to prioritize you and planning for a life without your husband. That's your choice.

Don't put it on your kids or anything else.

If you do nothing else take the advice to use condoms all the time and be tested for Stds specifically HIV regularly.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you are still reading. I don't think your marriage is doomed due to cheating. Plenty of marriages survive affairs. I also don't think your marriage is doomed because your husband is bi and cheated with a same sex partner. You can get past this. IMO, though, it's your husband that has to prove over time that he is a safe partner who wants to put in the work to save your marriage. He is the one that needs to do the heavy lifting. Many bi people maintain long-term monogamous relationships; your husband can be one of them, but make sure he takes the steps to rebuild trust and isn't expecting you to rugsweep and do all the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope you are still reading. I don't think your marriage is doomed due to cheating. Plenty of marriages survive affairs. I also don't think your marriage is doomed because your husband is bi and cheated with a same sex partner. You can get past this. IMO, though, it's your husband that has to prove over time that he is a safe partner who wants to put in the work to save your marriage. He is the one that needs to do the heavy lifting. Many bi people maintain long-term monogamous relationships; your husband can be one of them, but make sure he takes the steps to rebuild trust and isn't expecting you to rugsweep and do all the work.

It's not about him being bi ( don't think he is) or surging infidelity. Op didn't agree to or seem to be interested in an open relationship or a relationship with a bi man.

It also doesn't seem like her husband is happily bi it seem like he's gay ashamed and closeted. He married OP because his culture/ religion whatever doesn't accept homosexuality. Op is his non consenting beard.

It's a sad situation for both. Honestly is needed from both.

Do they want an open marriage where there's consent for him to be with men when he needs to?

Or does he need to come to terms with wanting aan for a life partner.

They need to be honest and not just bury their heads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone should have at least one outsideperson they can confide in about their relationship. I can see why it would be hurtful to read. If you found these messages while snooping, you hurt yourself and further damaged your relationship. If you found them completely by accident, it's clear that you and your spouse are in a very adversarial place. I'd think seriously about whether you want to do the work to try and save the relationship. If you believe your spouse is lying to and manipulating the therapist, there may not be anything to save.

I totally agree it's ok to tell a friend what his problems are. To me it's overstepping to forward several email where I expressed my problems with the relationship and then not tell me about it.

Ohhhh he forwarded your emails to your friend? Yeah would tick me off. It’s forgivable but not without a big apology. That’s like him reading your journal.

Yes. Forwarding emails is strange. Discussing things in person with a friend is different than forwarding emails.

I can see OP why you feel a bit strange about this. I’d feel that way as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope you are still reading. I don't think your marriage is doomed due to cheating. Plenty of marriages survive affairs. I also don't think your marriage is doomed because your husband is bi and cheated with a same sex partner. You can get past this. IMO, though, it's your husband that has to prove over time that he is a safe partner who wants to put in the work to save your marriage. He is the one that needs to do the heavy lifting. Many bi people maintain long-term monogamous relationships; your husband can be one of them, but make sure he takes the steps to rebuild trust and isn't expecting you to rugsweep and do all the work.

It's not about him being bi ( don't think he is) or surging infidelity. Op didn't agree to or seem to be interested in an open relationship or a relationship with a bi man.

It also doesn't seem like her husband is happily bi it seem like he's gay ashamed and closeted. He married OP because his culture/ religion whatever doesn't accept homosexuality. Op is his non consenting beard.

It's a sad situation for both. Honestly is needed from both.

Do they want an open marriage where there's consent for him to be with men when he needs to?

Or does he need to come to terms with wanting aan for a life partner.

They need to be honest and not just bury their heads.

What is aan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope you are still reading. I don't think your marriage is doomed due to cheating. Plenty of marriages survive affairs. I also don't think your marriage is doomed because your husband is bi and cheated with a same sex partner. You can get past this. IMO, though, it's your husband that has to prove over time that he is a safe partner who wants to put in the work to save your marriage. He is the one that needs to do the heavy lifting. Many bi people maintain long-term monogamous relationships; your husband can be one of them, but make sure he takes the steps to rebuild trust and isn't expecting you to rugsweep and do all the work.

It's not about him being bi ( don't think he is) or surging infidelity. Op didn't agree to or seem to be interested in an open relationship or a relationship with a bi man.

It also doesn't seem like her husband is happily bi it seem like he's gay ashamed and closeted. He married OP because his culture/ religion whatever doesn't accept homosexuality. Op is his non consenting beard.

It's a sad situation for both. Honestly is needed from both.

Do they want an open marriage where there's consent for him to be with men when he needs to?

Or does he need to come to terms with wanting aan for a life partner.

They need to be honest and not just bury their heads.

OP here although I should be. Why do you think he's gay and not bi? It's been almost 2 decades, we have kids, and he really is putting a lot into the relationship, sometimes even more than me. The emails to his straight friend in some ways were trying to help the relationship. He was trying to get advice is what I found out. Just a bad way of going about it. It wasn't really an affair. It was just a hookup with a person he didn't know. It's still very scary for me, but it's a world I don't really know. Just curious what gave you insight from an online discussion that even bi might not be a correct term for his sexuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope you are still reading. I don't think your marriage is doomed due to cheating. Plenty of marriages survive affairs. I also don't think your marriage is doomed because your husband is bi and cheated with a same sex partner. You can get past this. IMO, though, it's your husband that has to prove over time that he is a safe partner who wants to put in the work to save your marriage. He is the one that needs to do the heavy lifting. Many bi people maintain long-term monogamous relationships; your husband can be one of them, but make sure he takes the steps to rebuild trust and isn't expecting you to rugsweep and do all the work.

It's not about him being bi ( don't think he is) or surging infidelity. Op didn't agree to or seem to be interested in an open relationship or a relationship with a bi man.

It also doesn't seem like her husband is happily bi it seem like he's gay ashamed and closeted. He married OP because his culture/ religion whatever doesn't accept homosexuality. Op is his non consenting beard.

It's a sad situation for both. Honestly is needed from both.

Do they want an open marriage where there's consent for him to be with men when he needs to?

Or does he need to come to terms with wanting aan for a life partner.

They need to be honest and not just bury their heads.

OP here although I should be. Why do you think he's gay and not bi? It's been almost 2 decades, we have kids, and he really is putting a lot into the relationship, sometimes even more than me. The emails to his straight friend in some ways were trying to help the relationship. He was trying to get advice is what I found out. Just a bad way of going about it. It wasn't really an affair. It was just a hookup with a person he didn't know. It's still very scary for me, but it's a world I don't really know. Just curious what gave you insight from an online discussion that even bi might not be a correct term for his sexuality.

Not PP, but a guy who married a woman and is socially out as straight, and then has sex with another guy, has a lot of reasons to want to maintain that he's bi (or straight) even if he's gay. There are definitely bi men out there, but for men who have a lot to lose if they identify as gay, coming out first as bi is a common pattern. It wouldn't mean he doesn't really, really want to stay married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be terrified of contracting a deadly sti.

Closeted gay men take a lot of risks. In parks, bathrooms, etc with total strangers.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope you are still reading. I don't think your marriage is doomed due to cheating. Plenty of marriages survive affairs. I also don't think your marriage is doomed because your husband is bi and cheated with a same sex partner. You can get past this. IMO, though, it's your husband that has to prove over time that he is a safe partner who wants to put in the work to save your marriage. He is the one that needs to do the heavy lifting. Many bi people maintain long-term monogamous relationships; your husband can be one of them, but make sure he takes the steps to rebuild trust and isn't expecting you to rugsweep and do all the work.

It's not about him being bi ( don't think he is) or surging infidelity. Op didn't agree to or seem to be interested in an open relationship or a relationship with a bi man.

It also doesn't seem like her husband is happily bi it seem like he's gay ashamed and closeted. He married OP because his culture/ religion whatever doesn't accept homosexuality. Op is his non consenting beard.

It's a sad situation for both. Honestly is needed from both.

Do they want an open marriage where there's consent for him to be with men when he needs to?

Or does he need to come to terms with wanting aan for a life partner.

They need to be honest and not just bury their heads.

OP here although I should be. Why do you think he's gay and not bi? It's been almost 2 decades, we have kids, and he really is putting a lot into the relationship, sometimes even more than me. The emails to his straight friend in some ways were trying to help the relationship. He was trying to get advice is what I found out. Just a bad way of going about it. It wasn't really an affair. It was just a hookup with a person he didn't know. It's still very scary for me, but it's a world I don't really know. Just curious what gave you insight from an online discussion that even bi might not be a correct term for his sexuality.

Not PP, but a guy who married a woman and is socially out as straight, and then has sex with another guy, has a lot of reasons to want to maintain that he's bi (or straight) even if he's gay. There are definitely bi men out there, but for men who have a lot to lose if they identify as gay, coming out first as bi is a common pattern. It wouldn't mean he doesn't really, really want to stay married.

OP again. Yeah, I don't get it. I just could never live a life so devoid of honesty. It's comforting to know that either way, people get through this.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s trickier than if he cheated with a woman.

Sexual orientation is an entirely different beast. I’d wonder if he would ever truly be attractive to me since I don’t have a penis or a hairy chest. I tend to think men that have sex with men are much more homosexual than hetero/bi.

A midlife crisis with a woman, well- at least they are anatomically the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope you are still reading. I don't think your marriage is doomed due to cheating. Plenty of marriages survive affairs. I also don't think your marriage is doomed because your husband is bi and cheated with a same sex partner. You can get past this. IMO, though, it's your husband that has to prove over time that he is a safe partner who wants to put in the work to save your marriage. He is the one that needs to do the heavy lifting. Many bi people maintain long-term monogamous relationships; your husband can be one of them, but make sure he takes the steps to rebuild trust and isn't expecting you to rugsweep and do all the work.

It's not about him being bi ( don't think he is) or surging infidelity. Op didn't agree to or seem to be interested in an open relationship or a relationship with a bi man.

It also doesn't seem like her husband is happily bi it seem like he's gay ashamed and closeted. He married OP because his culture/ religion whatever doesn't accept homosexuality. Op is his non consenting beard.

It's a sad situation for both. Honestly is needed from both.

Do they want an open marriage where there's consent for him to be with men when he needs to?

Or does he need to come to terms with wanting aan for a life partner.

They need to be honest and not just bury their heads.

OP here although I should be. Why do you think he's gay and not bi? It's been almost 2 decades, we have kids, and he really is putting a lot into the relationship, sometimes even more than me. The emails to his straight friend in some ways were trying to help the relationship. He was trying to get advice is what I found out. Just a bad way of going about it. It wasn't really an affair. It was just a hookup with a person he didn't know. It's still very scary for me, but it's a world I don't really know. Just curious what gave you insight from an online discussion that even bi might not be a correct term for his sexuality.

Not PP, but a guy who married a woman and is socially out as straight, and then has sex with another guy, has a lot of reasons to want to maintain that he's bi (or straight) even if he's gay. There are definitely bi men out there, but for men who have a lot to lose if they identify as gay, coming out first as bi is a common pattern. It wouldn't mean he doesn't really, really want to stay married.

OP again. Yeah, I don't get it. I just could never live a life so devoid of honesty. It's comforting to know that either way, people get through this.

Pp you asked and I agree with her. For me it's the consistency of affairs emotional and physical exclusively with men and usually in these cases of men who married young to a woman had kids and cheat with men it's nearly always closeted gay men.

I don't think your husband wants to live a life he probably feels he would be rejected from his fat or career if he was out maybe even brought up in a relgion that is homophobic.

The world is much more understanding now and hopefully with gen. Z and younger people won't feel they have to hide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope you are still reading. I don't think your marriage is doomed due to cheating. Plenty of marriages survive affairs. I also don't think your marriage is doomed because your husband is bi and cheated with a same sex partner. You can get past this. IMO, though, it's your husband that has to prove over time that he is a safe partner who wants to put in the work to save your marriage. He is the one that needs to do the heavy lifting. Many bi people maintain long-term monogamous relationships; your husband can be one of them, but make sure he takes the steps to rebuild trust and isn't expecting you to rugsweep and do all the work.

It's not about him being bi ( don't think he is) or surging infidelity. Op didn't agree to or seem to be interested in an open relationship or a relationship with a bi man.

It also doesn't seem like her husband is happily bi it seem like he's gay ashamed and closeted. He married OP because his culture/ religion whatever doesn't accept homosexuality. Op is his non consenting beard.

It's a sad situation for both. Honestly is needed from both.

Do they want an open marriage where there's consent for him to be with men when he needs to?

Or does he need to come to terms with wanting aan for a life partner.

They need to be honest and not just bury their heads.

OP here although I should be. Why do you think he's gay and not bi? It's been almost 2 decades, we have kids, and he really is putting a lot into the relationship, sometimes even more than me. The emails to his straight friend in some ways were trying to help the relationship. He was trying to get advice is what I found out. Just a bad way of going about it. It wasn't really an affair. It was just a hookup with a person he didn't know. It's still very scary for me, but it's a world I don't really know. Just curious what gave you insight from an online discussion that even bi might not be a correct term for his sexuality.

I mean only you can evaluate if he is attracted to you. Does he seem like he is into your love life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No amount of marriage counseling or any other counseling is going to make your husband not gay. Forbidding him from communicating with his male friends is not going to make him not gay.

ideally, you both accept that he is gay, end this marriage, coparent the kids if you have them, and move on with your lives, hopefully with partners that make you happy.

NP here. This. Gay men don't become straight by just trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

Wait what? Houston, we have a problem.