Husband sent private emails to a friend about our relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. It's interesting how at first people saw the issue as my problem solely and the emails as benign and now see it as a sign the relationship is unfixable. I think it just points to the fact that both of us really don't know yet and still have a journey to figure this all out. More work to do in 2021.

That’s because you buried the lede. You can’t work out your “issues in bed” when your DH prefers to sleep with men. You mentioned that you and your DH had “a few good months” because he didn’t cheat with men during that time. That’s a low bar - a much lower bar than you deserve. YOU want to improve your relationship and build communication and intimacy, while HE just wants to avoid losing the life he’s built, and that’s not a solid foundation from which to work on a marriage. Just because you both really want this marriage to work and are willing to proceed, despite his attraction to (and history of cheating with) men doesn’t mean it’s not a giant elephant in the room that will always, always be over your shoulder, no matter how much muscle you put into therapy (and you alone seem to be working so, so hard, and so earnestly that it makes my heart ache a little).

So you are earnestly trying to work through your issues in bed with a DH who, as a PP bluntly put it, “wants to sleep with dudes” and doesn’t want to admit it to himself or live with the consequences. There are many bisexual people in monogamous relationships, yet your DH cheated with a man and only admits he “may” be bi - and doesn’t have those feelings anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being that the op NEVER identifies herself in any of these posts, it's hard to decipher which are from her.

So... has the OP actually fessed up and said exactly HOW she discovered that he had sent these emails to his buddy?

I think she went through his email and found them... and not "accidentally" either.

OP here. I've always had access to his email and he has access to mine. I was actually trying to look up something that was sent to him for the kids for that afternoon regarding COVID while he was at a business meeting that he said I could check about and found a response to one of my emails from his friend. So then I looked in the sent emails. It's true, I've checked that account more since the cheating. He has some other account that I don't have access to where he could write more privately if he wanted to. This one I've had access to for years and we just have a lot of information that is pertinent to the family. I asked him about this incident yesterday and how it started and it was actually the friend's idea to send the emails, so I feel a little better that it at least wasn't his idea. It was just bad judgment on both their parts.

[Anonymous]

^^ I hit send too soon.

So yes, I understand why you were upset about the email, but in light of the larger problems in your marriage — it’s like being upset he made a mess in the bedroom and didn’t apologize for it when he slept with someone in your bed, or focusing on the fact that that he dripped blood on your new kitchen tile when he cut you with a knife. Okay, those are dramatic examples but you get what l I mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. It's interesting how at first people saw the issue as my problem solely and the emails as benign and now see it as a sign the relationship is unfixable. I think it just points to the fact that both of us really don't know yet and still have a journey to figure this all out. More work to do in 2021.

That’s because you buried the lede. You can’t work out your “issues in bed” when your DH prefers to sleep with men. You mentioned that you and your DH had “a few good months” because he didn’t cheat with men during that time. That’s a low bar - a much lower bar than you deserve. YOU want to improve your relationship and build communication and intimacy, while HE just wants to avoid losing the life he’s built, and that’s not a solid foundation from which to work on a marriage. Just because you both really want this marriage to work and are willing to proceed, despite his attraction to (and history of cheating with) men doesn’t mean it’s not a giant elephant in the room that will always, always be over your shoulder, no matter how much muscle you put into therapy (and you alone seem to be working so, so hard, and so earnestly that it makes my heart ache a little).

So you are earnestly trying to work through your issues in bed with a DH who, as a PP bluntly put it, “wants to sleep with dudes” and doesn’t want to admit it to himself or live with the consequences. There are many bisexual people in monogamous relationships, yet your DH cheated with a man and only admits he “may” be bi - and doesn’t have those feelings anymore?

OP here. Correct. I'm fully aware of all you are saying and don't feel the need to go down the path again right this moment. I was at that point about six months ago and just don't want to revisit it right this moment. I understand I need to protect myself and figure my future out. That's in the works as well but it's a process and I'm not financially secure yet. At this moment I was just trying to figure out how big a deal the emails were. With two men thinking it was just fine, I feel like this particular issue is about people these days not having the communication boundaries that I grew up with as a child and that it may not be more than just that. But yes, there are bigger issues to deal with in the marriage. Thank you for your kind words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To add on, my husband only has less than one handful of friends, and this is a friend we get together with somewhat regularly. I feel betrayed and also uncomfortable around this person now. I don't understand why the therapist wasn't enough for him. Or even a site like this to express anything about our relationship in a less personal way.

Translation: "My husband should deal with stress and issues in his life the same way I do! It's ridiculous that he doesn't."

I don't have high hopes for your therapy, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To add on, my husband only has less than one handful of friends, and this is a friend we get together with somewhat regularly. I feel betrayed and also uncomfortable around this person now. I don't understand why the therapist wasn't enough for him. Or even a site like this to express anything about our relationship in a less personal way.

Translation: "My husband should deal with stress and issues in his life the same way I do! It's ridiculous that he doesn't."

I don't have high hopes for your therapy, OP.

I've calmed down about it and we resolved the issue and I've realized it didn't have the intention I thought it might. I do have the right to take offense to my personal emails being shared without my consent. He agreed, so now we are in agreement. How do you think I should have handled it if you are so good at working through issues in your own relationship? I'd be happy to hear of better methods to work through disagreements and feelings of betrayal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. It's interesting how at first people saw the issue as my problem solely and the emails as benign and now see it as a sign the relationship is unfixable. I think it just points to the fact that both of us really don't know yet and still have a journey to figure this all out. More work to do in 2021.

That’s because you buried the lede. You can’t work out your “issues in bed” when your DH prefers to sleep with men. You mentioned that you and your DH had “a few good months” because he didn’t cheat with men during that time. That’s a low bar - a much lower bar than you deserve. YOU want to improve your relationship and build communication and intimacy, while HE just wants to avoid losing the life he’s built, and that’s not a solid foundation from which to work on a marriage. Just because you both really want this marriage to work and are willing to proceed, despite his attraction to (and history of cheating with) men doesn’t mean it’s not a giant elephant in the room that will always, always be over your shoulder, no matter how much muscle you put into therapy (and you alone seem to be working so, so hard, and so earnestly that it makes my heart ache a little).

So you are earnestly trying to work through your issues in bed with a DH who, as a PP bluntly put it, “wants to sleep with dudes” and doesn’t want to admit it to himself or live with the consequences. There are many bisexual people in monogamous relationships, yet your DH cheated with a man and only admits he “may” be bi - and doesn’t have those feelings anymore?

OP here. Correct. I'm fully aware of all you are saying and don't feel the need to go down the path again right this moment. I was at that point about six months ago and just don't want to revisit it right this moment. I understand I need to protect myself and figure my future out. That's in the works as well but it's a process and I'm not financially secure yet. At this moment I was just trying to figure out how big a deal the emails were. With two men thinking it was just fine, I feel like this particular issue is about people these days not having the communication boundaries that I grew up with as a child and that it may not be more than just that. But yes, there are bigger issues to deal with in the marriage. Thank you for your kind words.

Girl. Let this crap go. Communication and privacy are trifling issues compared to the big issue- which it doesn't sound like you want to deal with. So instead you are getting your panties in a wad about peripherals. Focus on YOU. Figure out what YOU want. Ignore all the "noise" and figure out what you want from life. You can't control him. Focus on what you can control which is yourself and your finances. You are burying your head in the sand but your iceburg of anger is coming out about emails.

[Anonymous]

I just wouldn’t be able to trust that he wasn’t out sleeping with dudes. Even this email situation sounds to me like him forming an intense emotional relationship with a (straight) man. His statement that he doesn’t have those feelings anymore for men sounds improbable.

[Anonymous]

Well I have a therapist and I'm starting to make a plan financially that might not include him. It's not easy to figure out a new way forward when you have kids, a job, friends, a body to take care of, COVID fears, and a life you have to manage. I maybe have 2 hours a week to really devote to these new endeavors. We actually do have fun together as a family as well and that's important especially during the holidays. For now, all my work on me has to be on the side while I try to raise my kids in the best way I can.

The emails were a trivial matter. It just ate at my insecurity. I've moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I have a therapist and I'm starting to make a plan financially that might not include him. It's not easy to figure out a new way forward when you have kids, a job, friends, a body to take care of, COVID fears, and a life you have to manage. I maybe have 2 hours a week to really devote to these new endeavors. We actually do have fun together as a family as well and that's important especially during the holidays. For now, all my work on me has to be on the side while I try to raise my kids in the best way I can.

The emails were a trivial matter. It just ate at my insecurity. I've moved on.

I really appreciate the honesty and help everyone's given. Sorry to bow out, but I really should spend more time on myself than trying to resolve this issue any further. Thank you again DCUM for your help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I have a therapist and I'm starting to make a plan financially that might not include him. It's not easy to figure out a new way forward when you have kids, a job, friends, a body to take care of, COVID fears, and a life you have to manage. I maybe have 2 hours a week to really devote to these new endeavors. We actually do have fun together as a family as well and that's important especially during the holidays. For now, all my work on me has to be on the side while I try to raise my kids in the best way I can.

The emails were a trivial matter. It just ate at my insecurity. I've moved on.

I really appreciate the honesty and help everyone's given. Sorry to bow out, but I really should spend more time on myself than trying to resolve this issue any further. Thank you again DCUM for your help.

OP you did a good job responding and and it seems like you’re in a reasonable place.
The therapy may not work, but it doesn’t sound like that will be because of things you’re doing. Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

My ex husband also shared personal emails and texts with friends. He also talked constantly about our marital issues and sex life with friends. He did this in private conversations and when I was at the same social gathering. To him, it was a way of processing his feelings and connecting with people. To me, it was an absolute betrayal of trust. I asked him over and over during the many years we were together to stop and he just couldn’t. Or chose not to. His oversharing was not the ultimate reason we got divorced (obviously) but it definitely contributed to it. We just didn’t see eye to eye on so many things and our communication styles were ultimately not compatible.

[Anonymous]

You’ve gotten a bit of “tough love” on this thread and I know it’s not easy. It’s a very complicated situation, and you sound very self-aware and that you’re doing the best you can. I wish you all the best, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you writing personal emails to your DH that he in turn, has forwarded?

I shouldn't write personal emails to my spouse? That's a new one. Why?

New poster: email is just an odd medium for communicating with your spouse and if he's not responding it's also not an effective way to communicate. I do think forwarding the email was a bad choice on his part, but relatively small in the ball of dysfunction that is your relationship. How to communicate effectively with each other and what is appropriate to share with people outside of the relationship would be good topics to cover in therapy.

I don’t know if you have kids, but my first H and I did this to avoid fighting in front of DC. It also held him accountable when he’d claim I didn’t give him info. We’re divorced now and I probably speak with him less than 5x a year, but we still have to text or email about DC once or twice a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I have a therapist and I'm starting to make a plan financially that might not include him. It's not easy to figure out a new way forward when you have kids, a job, friends, a body to take care of, COVID fears, and a life you have to manage. I maybe have 2 hours a week to really devote to these new endeavors. We actually do have fun together as a family as well and that's important especially during the holidays. For now, all my work on me has to be on the side while I try to raise my kids in the best way I can.

The emails were a trivial matter. It just ate at my insecurity. I've moved on.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I was the PP urging you to let it go because I don't want you to waste precious mental energy on him when you should be focusing on you. I wish you peace in the New Year.