reality check please - husband who sometimes forgets to lock the front door at night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeezus, a lot of people are neurotic on here. He forgets to lock the door - BFD. OP, if you're so obsessed over it, why don't you do it? Obviously he doesn't think it's a huge deal and forgets to do it at times. Unless you're in the city or in a bad area, there's really little reason to get upset over this as the odds of a break in by testing out the front door are incredibly rate.

We are in a city. And he walks the dog after I go to bed (he usually works till the wee hours of the morning). I feel like it would be preposterously neurotic - and pretty unfair - for me to have to get up again after he's back from walking our dog to check the locks that he can very easily lock himself. Basically I am asking him to show me the consideration of taking my safety concern seriously enough to just check the f*cking lock before he turns in for the night.

Do you lock the door before you go to bed? Someone could still break in while he's still awake. In fact, the statistics someone posted earlier suggest that this is more likely.

This feels like one of those "it's not about the nail" moments. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

The safety risk isn't objectively all that great. You could protect the family just as much if not more by locking the door when you go to bed -- even if that means he has to unlock it to take out the dog. But it's not about objective safety. It's about your subjective feelings on the matter. Because he doesn't honor your subjective feelings, regardless of whether those feelings are well founded, on some level you feel like he doesn't love you. So maybe just tell him that - "forget about how important you think the locks are, just know that I think they are important and when you don't lock them, I feel like you don't love me. So, if you love me, please lock the doors."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was it Jeffrey Dahmer or Charles Manson that said an unlocked door was like an invitation to come in? I think it was Dahmer. People absolutely do test doors to see if they're locked.

Home invasions are extraordinarily rare. They happen but the odds of it happening to YOU, in suburbia are comically low. It is winning the bad lottery uncommon.

COnstant BS excuses in order not to do something that is common sense, is what drives me crazy. Please tell me you do not have kids.

I have two! They have reasonable reactions to minor failings that they encounter in other people (actually that is a lie, my one year old melted down over a box of cheez-its being empty today but it is the long term goal).

As I said above, my argument isn't that locking doors is pointless and stupid. Its that it shouldn't be a marriage killer.

OP's DH seems to be on a power trip and passive aggressively never locking the door at night after he walks the dog. He literally says "Get over it, not going to do it."

So now what's the underlying issue here? He is incapable of locking the front door? He doesn't want to do what his spouse is asking? He doesn't care what is important to his spouse? He is incapable of remembering to do things? All of the above?

Ummmmm no. He is not being passive aggressive, even OP herself isn't claiming that. He is forgetful and exasperatedly said, "well, sorry, but it's going to happen every now and then. Deal with it." That isn't a kind way to say anything but he's not saying he's doing it to hurt her, he's saying he forgets sometimes and is sick of being chewed out for it.

You seem like you got some issues pp that have nothing to do with this OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the father and man of the house, it is most certainly HIS obligation to secure house to protect his family. Can't believe he blows it off like that.

My DH is like OP's. Been together for 30 years. I check the following every night - shut off the gas burners, check that the motor of the cars in the garage and driveway is shut off, all the car-windows are rolled up, all lights are switched off and the doors are locked. I make sure that the lights on the porch and driveway is switched on, and the entry doors are locked and alarm is on. He does the dishes though. I am a SAHM BTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was it Jeffrey Dahmer or Charles Manson that said an unlocked door was like an invitation to come in? I think it was Dahmer. People absolutely do test doors to see if they're locked.

Home invasions are extraordinarily rare. They happen but the odds of it happening to YOU, in suburbia are comically low. It is winning the bad lottery uncommon.

COnstant BS excuses in order not to do something that is common sense, is what drives me crazy. Please tell me you do not have kids.

I have two! They have reasonable reactions to minor failings that they encounter in other people (actually that is a lie, my one year old melted down over a box of cheez-its being empty today but it is the long term goal).

As I said above, my argument isn't that locking doors is pointless and stupid. Its that it shouldn't be a marriage killer.

OP's DH seems to be on a power trip and passive aggressively never locking the door at night after he walks the dog. He literally says "Get over it, not going to do it."

So now what's the underlying issue here? He is incapable of locking the front door? He doesn't want to do what his spouse is asking? He doesn't care what is important to his spouse? He is incapable of remembering to do things? All of the above?

Ummmmm no. He is not being passive aggressive, even OP herself isn't claiming that. He is forgetful and exasperatedly said, "well, sorry, but it's going to happen every now and then. Deal with it." That isn't a kind way to say anything but he's not saying he's doing it to hurt her, he's saying he forgets sometimes and is sick of being chewed out for it.

You seem like you got some issues pp that have nothing to do with this OP.

Well that's fantastic that this is his only shortcoming.
Because if he has ADD it'd be this * 10 things each week. So glad that is not the case here. He sounds like a reliable, communicable partner in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was it Jeffrey Dahmer or Charles Manson that said an unlocked door was like an invitation to come in? I think it was Dahmer. People absolutely do test doors to see if they're locked.

Home invasions are extraordinarily rare. They happen but the odds of it happening to YOU, in suburbia are comically low. It is winning the bad lottery uncommon.

COnstant BS excuses in order not to do something that is common sense, is what drives me crazy. Please tell me you do not have kids.

I have two! They have reasonable reactions to minor failings that they encounter in other people (actually that is a lie, my one year old melted down over a box of cheez-its being empty today but it is the long term goal).

As I said above, my argument isn't that locking doors is pointless and stupid. Its that it shouldn't be a marriage killer.

OP's DH seems to be on a power trip and passive aggressively never locking the door at night after he walks the dog. He literally says "Get over it, not going to do it."

So now what's the underlying issue here? He is incapable of locking the front door? He doesn't want to do what his spouse is asking? He doesn't care what is important to his spouse? He is incapable of remembering to do things? All of the above?

This is OP - he's not doing it as a power trip (I don't think). He's really a good person, just absentminded sometimes. He works a lot and is tired, and sometimes normal life stuff- locking doors - just slips his mind. Then he gets defensive when I tell him that I'm bothered about the door. He's gotten much better about it than he used to be, but it still happens sometimes. So that's why I would like to get some technological fix here, so that it's something we don't have to count on him remembering to do if possible.

OP, do you guys have kids?

Do you want to have kids? If so, are you on the same page about raising the kids, expectations, paying attention, splitting work load, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeezus, a lot of people are neurotic on here. He forgets to lock the door - BFD. OP, if you're so obsessed over it, why don't you do it? Obviously he doesn't think it's a huge deal and forgets to do it at times. Unless you're in the city or in a bad area, there's really little reason to get upset over this as the odds of a break in by testing out the front door are incredibly rate.

We are in a city. And he walks the dog after I go to bed (he usually works till the wee hours of the morning). I feel like it would be preposterously neurotic - and pretty unfair - for me to have to get up again after he's back from walking our dog to check the locks that he can very easily lock himself. Basically I am asking him to show me the consideration of taking my safety concern seriously enough to just check the f*cking lock before he turns in for the night.

OP, you’re turning this into one of those weird he doesn’t love me enough to do xyz arguments.

He’s walking the dog at some ridiculous hour, can’t you walk the dog before you go to bed, and then just ask him to lock the door when he gets home at all?

As it’s clearly important to you, stop making it a test of love. Get your own locks that automatically lock. Walk the dog yourself. Show him the consideration of someone who is working u til the wee hours of the morning and may not as easily come to these things as you do. You k ow, like what you’re demanding of him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t see the big deal here. Do you really think people are roaming your neighborhood checking front door locks?

Yes.

It's called situational awareness. If you have a wife and young children in the house, you want to take EVERY precaution to keep them safe. End of f-ing story. No debate on this one.

Don't let your family out of the house. Maybe put them in bubble wrap. ABSOLUTELY don't let them get in a car. End of f-ing story. No debate on this one.

This is OP - and for those who are reading this, now you can see a little bit about how fun it is having this argument with someone who doesn't share your concerns about safety. I don't feel that locking the door is such a WILD AND CRAZY THING you should have to justify doing it. It's a simple, easy, commonsense way to try to protect yourself, your home, and those you love. But obviously - as you can see from PP - certain other people really dig in and probably leave their doors unlocked just to prove a point! Luckily my husband does not go that far, as to say that locking the door is basically irrelevant in this modern world. He acknowledges, at least, that it is better to lock the door - he just forgets to do it often enough that I think we will buy one of those smart locks and hopefully that'll solve the problem.

OP I'm one of the posters that I think you must think would be crazy to argue with.

It is possible (and in fact my opinion) that BOTH of you are kind of in the wrong here. He should I dunno, have painted something on the front door or set up a phone alarm or something to remind him of this. AND you probably shouldn't chew his head off when he forgets, especially if overall there has been great improvement. Getting into fights over falling short of perfection isn't particularly kind and loving either.

The people talking about how it isn't that big a deal are not saying that there is no point in locking their door, they are saying that, statistically, realistically, it isn't that big a deal. It isn't likely to endanger you, and if you're finding out about it morning after, nothing happened to you. And that is what your husband is saying too. I would certainly not leave doors unlocked just to annoy a spouse. But if I had a major issue with my spouse, a fight that came up repeatedly, and it was about something that really isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, I would try to point it out to them.

Hopefully technology fixes this problem. But you are basically ignoring the other, just as reasonable, side of this argument. And if you want a relationship filled with mutual respect, you should also try, genuinely, to see where he is coming from on it. Because you're both right! But only one of you is trying really hard to meet the other one halfway (I guess you getting the electronic doorknob is you taking the first step).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeezus, a lot of people are neurotic on here. He forgets to lock the door - BFD. OP, if you're so obsessed over it, why don't you do it? Obviously he doesn't think it's a huge deal and forgets to do it at times. Unless you're in the city or in a bad area, there's really little reason to get upset over this as the odds of a break in by testing out the front door are incredibly rate.

We are in a city. And he walks the dog after I go to bed (he usually works till the wee hours of the morning). I feel like it would be preposterously neurotic - and pretty unfair - for me to have to get up again after he's back from walking our dog to check the locks that he can very easily lock himself. Basically I am asking him to show me the consideration of taking my safety concern seriously enough to just check the f*cking lock before he turns in for the night.

Do you lock the door before you go to bed? Someone could still break in while he's still awake. In fact, the statistics someone posted earlier suggest that this is more likely.

This feels like one of those "it's not about the nail" moments. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

The safety risk isn't objectively all that great. You could protect the family just as much if not more by locking the door when you go to bed -- even if that means he has to unlock it to take out the dog. But it's not about objective safety. It's about your subjective feelings on the matter. Because he doesn't honor your subjective feelings, regardless of whether those feelings are well founded, on some level you feel like he doesn't love you. So maybe just tell him that - "forget about how important you think the locks are, just know that I think they are important and when you don't lock them, I feel like you don't love me. So, if you love me, please lock the doors."

I always keep the door locked. He is not as careful. I just think it's a good habit to be in: lock the door when you come or go! I don't really understand why someone wouldn't do that out of habit, I guess.

I don't doubt his love for me - though I can see how this would seem like one of those issues that seems like it's about the relationship, and not really about the thing itself. He is a very loving spouse. He's just super absentminded. And as a great big man, he really doesn't have safety concerns the same way I do - as a very small woman.

I really do appreciate folks weighing in on this. I'm surprised how divisive this issue is! I thought people would actually be much harsher about my husband, and I'm glad that by and large people are being generous with both of us. We'll figure it out (I hope).

[Anonymous]

if I had a major issue with my spouse, a fight that came up repeatedly, and it was about something that really isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, I would try to point it out to them.

There are plenty of things that don't rise to the level of "major issues" or "fights" -- let's call them "preferences" -- that I am perfectly willing to remember and accommodate if DW points them out to me. For example, she doesn't like it if I leave the side gate open after I take out the trash bin. To me, leaving it open is no big deal -- no harm done, nothing's going to happen, I'll close it when I put the bin back -- but after she told me she liked it closed, that's what I did. Really hard to understand why OP's DH can't remember something like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was it Jeffrey Dahmer or Charles Manson that said an unlocked door was like an invitation to come in? I think it was Dahmer. People absolutely do test doors to see if they're locked.

Home invasions are extraordinarily rare. They happen but the odds of it happening to YOU, in suburbia are comically low. It is winning the bad lottery uncommon.

COnstant BS excuses in order not to do something that is common sense, is what drives me crazy. Please tell me you do not have kids.

I have two! They have reasonable reactions to minor failings that they encounter in other people (actually that is a lie, my one year old melted down over a box of cheez-its being empty today but it is the long term goal).

As I said above, my argument isn't that locking doors is pointless and stupid. Its that it shouldn't be a marriage killer.

OP's DH seems to be on a power trip and passive aggressively never locking the door at night after he walks the dog. He literally says "Get over it, not going to do it."

So now what's the underlying issue here? He is incapable of locking the front door? He doesn't want to do what his spouse is asking? He doesn't care what is important to his spouse? He is incapable of remembering to do things? All of the above?

Ummmmm no. He is not being passive aggressive, even OP herself isn't claiming that. He is forgetful and exasperatedly said, "well, sorry, but it's going to happen every now and then. Deal with it." That isn't a kind way to say anything but he's not saying he's doing it to hurt her, he's saying he forgets sometimes and is sick of being chewed out for it.

You seem like you got some issues pp that have nothing to do with this OP.

This is OP - and that second reading - the forgetful and exasperated reading - is more in line with what's actually going on. (Thanks for understanding, PP!)

[Anonymous]

"I always keep the door locked" -- I always keep it locked even when I'm home. And I am a large, strong man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was it Jeffrey Dahmer or Charles Manson that said an unlocked door was like an invitation to come in? I think it was Dahmer. People absolutely do test doors to see if they're locked.

Home invasions are extraordinarily rare. They happen but the odds of it happening to YOU, in suburbia are comically low. It is winning the bad lottery uncommon.

COnstant BS excuses in order not to do something that is common sense, is what drives me crazy. Please tell me you do not have kids.

I have two! They have reasonable reactions to minor failings that they encounter in other people (actually that is a lie, my one year old melted down over a box of cheez-its being empty today but it is the long term goal).

As I said above, my argument isn't that locking doors is pointless and stupid. Its that it shouldn't be a marriage killer.

OP's DH seems to be on a power trip and passive aggressively never locking the door at night after he walks the dog. He literally says "Get over it, not going to do it."

So now what's the underlying issue here? He is incapable of locking the front door? He doesn't want to do what his spouse is asking? He doesn't care what is important to his spouse? He is incapable of remembering to do things? All of the above?

This is OP - he's not doing it as a power trip (I don't think). He's really a good person, just absentminded sometimes. He works a lot and is tired, and sometimes normal life stuff- locking doors - just slips his mind. Then he gets defensive when I tell him that I'm bothered about the door. He's gotten much better about it than he used to be, but it still happens sometimes. So that's why I would like to get some technological fix here, so that it's something we don't have to count on him remembering to do if possible.

OP, do you guys have kids?

Do you want to have kids? If so, are you on the same page about raising the kids, expectations, paying attention, splitting work load, etc.?

OP here: We don't have kids and aren't planning to have kids. We are more or less on the same page about regular life stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the father and man of the house, it is most certainly HIS obligation to secure house to protect his family. Can't believe he blows it off like that.

My DH is like OP's. Been together for 30 years. I check the following every night - shut off the gas burners, check that the motor of the cars in the garage and driveway is shut off, all the car-windows are rolled up, all lights are switched off and the doors are locked. I make sure that the lights on the porch and driveway is switched on, and the entry doors are locked and alarm is on. He does the dishes though. I am a SAHM BTW.

Sorry, is locking doors a penis requirement like garbsge, recycling,band grilling?

I hope not, because my vagina and I like grilling ribs, and occasionally I like not having to do vagina sanctioned things like vacuum, watch the little people, and cook eggs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the father and man of the house, it is most certainly HIS obligation to secure house to protect his family. Can't believe he blows it off like that.

My DH is like OP's. Been together for 30 years. I check the following every night - shut off the gas burners, check that the motor of the cars in the garage and driveway is shut off, all the car-windows are rolled up, all lights are switched off and the doors are locked. I make sure that the lights on the porch and driveway is switched on, and the entry doors are locked and alarm is on. He does the dishes though. I am a SAHM BTW.

Sorry, is locking doors a penis requirement like garbage, recycling, band grilling?

I hope not, because my vagina and I like grilling ribs, and occasionally I like not having to do vagina sanctioned things like vacuum, watch the little people, and cook eggs.

I dunno. People here believe that the gender roles are very set in stone, right? It seems my DH and I, end up picking stuff from both the penis and vagina obligation lists. Having said that, he did impregnate me twice and I (DW) gave birth to both babies and nursed them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeezus, a lot of people are neurotic on here. He forgets to lock the door - BFD. OP, if you're so obsessed over it, why don't you do it? Obviously he doesn't think it's a huge deal and forgets to do it at times. Unless you're in the city or in a bad area, there's really little reason to get upset over this as the odds of a break in by testing out the front door are incredibly rate.

We are in a city. And he walks the dog after I go to bed (he usually works till the wee hours of the morning). I feel like it would be preposterously neurotic - and pretty unfair - for me to have to get up again after he's back from walking our dog to check the locks that he can very easily lock himself. Basically I am asking him to show me the consideration of taking my safety concern seriously enough to just check the f*cking lock before he turns in for the night.

Do you lock the door before you go to bed? Someone could still break in while he's still awake. In fact, the statistics someone posted earlier suggest that this is more likely.

This feels like one of those "it's not about the nail" moments. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

The safety risk isn't objectively all that great. You could protect the family just as much if not more by locking the door when you go to bed -- even if that means he has to unlock it to take out the dog. But it's not about objective safety. It's about your subjective feelings on the matter. Because he doesn't honor your subjective feelings, regardless of whether those feelings are well founded, on some level you feel like he doesn't love you. So maybe just tell him that - "forget about how important you think the locks are, just know that I think they are important and when you don't lock them, I feel like you don't love me. So, if you love me, please lock the doors."

I always keep the door locked. He is not as careful. I just think it's a good habit to be in: lock the door when you come or go! I don't really understand why someone wouldn't do that out of habit, I guess.

I don't doubt his love for me - though I can see how this would seem like one of those issues that seems like it's about the relationship, and not really about the thing itself. He is a very loving spouse. He's just super absentminded. And as a great big man, he really doesn't have safety concerns the same way I do - as a very small woman.

I really do appreciate folks weighing in on this. I'm surprised how divisive this issue is! I thought people would actually be much harsher about my husband, and I'm glad that by and large people are being generous with both of us. We'll figure it out (I hope).

If he is “super absentminded”, I would suspect that this is not the only issue and that he has undiagnosed ADHD, as many previous posters have suggested.