reality check please - husband who sometimes forgets to lock the front door at night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the father and man of the house, it is most certainly HIS obligation to secure house to protect his family. Can't believe he blows it off like that.

I think men experience the world differently than women and, therefore, have a different perception of what safety means. If I were op, I'd pull my @ss out of bed after dh is in for the night and go round and lock the house up. She can't be sleeping that soundly with his late night gallivanting anyhow.

This is OP - and YES to this. Like he walks the dog in dark alleys at night - and I had to explain to him why I would never, ever do that myself. (He's a big guy - I am a tiny woman.) He just doesn't see the world through these same eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One way to solve this would be to get those knobs that auto-lock. It'll close money but solve a problem.

This. Better yet, one of the digital locks. That way, it auto-locks AND he can't lock himself out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm laughing because I'm your husband and my husband gets so frustrated. He's rabid about the locks, it drives me crazy. He might lock the door if I'm getting the mail or putting out the trash cans. I had to break him of the habit of locking the car that is in the garage and then the door leading from the house to the garage.

I do think your locking at night before bed should do the trick. Or if he has a regular bedtime maybe a nightly phone reminder for him.

I just can't imagine that someone is testing all the locks to people's houses at night in order to break in. I can see someone doing that to break into a car in a lot or even during the day on the assumption that people are at work.

The people who go round trying car doors work in groups. If they would check a car, (not likely to yeild much), why not try a house? Don't think that someone being home would be a deterrent, there are many types of crimes. Just lock the door!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm laughing because I'm your husband and my husband gets so frustrated. He's rabid about the locks, it drives me crazy. He might lock the door if I'm getting the mail or putting out the trash cans. I had to break him of the habit of locking the car that is in the garage and then the door leading from the house to the garage.

Say what? It is very easy to break into a garage. Therefore, cars in garages and the door between the house and the garage should most definitely be locked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One way to solve this would be to get those knobs that auto-lock. It'll close money but solve a problem.

This. Better yet, one of the digital locks. That way, it auto-locks AND he can't lock himself out.

Yes! We stayed in a vacation house that had a digital lock with a code we punched in to enter. You can reprogram the code. It was great. The door locked automatically and we punched in some numbers to enter -no key needed. This sounds perfect for op. I think op's peace of mind is worth the cost of a locksmith to install a digital lock. You may have to do all entry doors, though!

[Anonymous]

I don't think my DW even knows that I check to make sure all the doors and windows are locked before I go to bed.

[Anonymous]

I sometimes forget to lock the front door. I grew up in a way that for us was not a problem to lock doors all the time. My di makes a big deal about it so every night he is the one in charge to officially lock the front door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband - whom I love - sometimes forgets to lock our front door. He forgets to do it when he goes out, he forgets to do it at night. (He goes to bed after I do, most nights.) He used to forget to lock the door a lot - after many arguments, it's less often. But he gets so f*cking defensive about it when it happens - and basically just says: well, sorry, but it's going to happen every now and then. Deal with it.

Knock wood a million times, we haven't experienced any negative repercussions so far, other than me getting very stressed out and angry and us having a fight. We live in a pretty safe area (again, knock wood a million times).

We aren't having a marital crisis over this. We aren't going to divorce. It is in some ways emblematic of other issues - I think he's needlessly reckless about certain things; he thinks I get angry with him too much - but we have a good marriage.

I don't know what my question is exactly. I guess - have you figured out either a behavioral or technological trick that gets a spouse who doesn't lock the door to do it? And/or how upset would you be in this situation? I'm not crazy to feel upset about this, am I?

And no I won't give you our address.

I find it hard to believe this is the only thing he chronically forgets to do.

A) You should check before you go to bed.
B) You should put notes up all over your house where he can read them and do it.
C) If this is a pattern or involves him forgetting other things he agreed to do, or him writing off "details, details, who cares" consider counseling with an ADHD Inattentive specialist.

[Anonymous]

I could be your DH and I am the wife. I grew up somewhere rural where we never locked doors and kept our keys in the car all the time. It is hard to break a habit of decades especially when tired. It annoys my dH who grew up in NY.

I don’t have a good solution for you. The self locking door is a good idea (as is hiding a key for the spouse who WILL forget theirs! A lot at first!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband - whom I love - sometimes forgets to lock our front door. He forgets to do it when he goes out, he forgets to do it at night. (He goes to bed after I do, most nights.) He used to forget to lock the door a lot - after many arguments, it's less often. But he gets so f*cking defensive about it when it happens - and basically just says: well, sorry, but it's going to happen every now and then. Deal with it.

Knock wood a million times, we haven't experienced any negative repercussions so far, other than me getting very stressed out and angry and us having a fight. We live in a pretty safe area (again, knock wood a million times).

We aren't having a marital crisis over this. We aren't going to divorce. It is in some ways emblematic of other issues - I think he's needlessly reckless about certain things; he thinks I get angry with him too much - but we have a good marriage.

I don't know what my question is exactly. I guess - have you figured out either a behavioral or technological trick that gets a spouse who doesn't lock the door to do it? And/or how upset would you be in this situation? I'm not crazy to feel upset about this, am I?

And no I won't give you our address.

I find it hard to believe this is the only thing he chronically forgets to do.

A) You should check before you go to bed.
B) You should put notes up all over your house where he can read them and do it.
C) If this is a pattern or involves him forgetting other things he agreed to do, or him writing off "details, details, who cares" consider counseling with an ADHD Inattentive specialist.

Hi - I do check before I go to bed, but he walks the dog before he comes to bed so he is the last line of defense here. I guess I could wake up and check the door again after he comes home, but - I don't know. I would rather not. If I get up to pee or something I do check. I really enjoy going to bed early-ish, though!

I think he will ignore notes/stop seeing them. I think one of those smart locks that's being recommended might work better. That way he doesn't have to *do* anything.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried talking to him when it is NOT related to him leaving the door unlocked? Like maybe at breakfast after he has locked it several days ina row, day “I just wanted to say thank you. You know it makes me feel much better to have the door locked. I worry about our safety and have heard some stories in the new about break ins. So, I really appreciate the effort you go through to make me feel safer and make sure the door is locked.” This gives him credit for doing the right thing, explains your reasoning for why you want it at a time when he can’t feel defensive because you are thanking not criticizing, and you remind him to lock the door.

[Anonymous]

Um, why aren't you both locking your doors as soon as you get home?

Our neighbors never locked their doors except for right before bed, and they go to bed late. An autistic neighbor teen who was very agitated walked into their home and wouldn't leave. It wasn't such a huge deal, because they knew the parents, etc., but it was preventable. Lock your doors!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband - whom I love - sometimes forgets to lock our front door. He forgets to do it when he goes out, he forgets to do it at night. (He goes to bed after I do, most nights.) He used to forget to lock the door a lot - after many arguments, it's less often. But he gets so f*cking defensive about it when it happens - and basically just says: well, sorry, but it's going to happen every now and then. Deal with it.

Knock wood a million times, we haven't experienced any negative repercussions so far, other than me getting very stressed out and angry and us having a fight. We live in a pretty safe area (again, knock wood a million times).

We aren't having a marital crisis over this. We aren't going to divorce. It is in some ways emblematic of other issues - I think he's needlessly reckless about certain things; he thinks I get angry with him too much - but we have a good marriage.

I don't know what my question is exactly. I guess - have you figured out either a behavioral or technological trick that gets a spouse who doesn't lock the door to do it? And/or how upset would you be in this situation? I'm not crazy to feel upset about this, am I?

And no I won't give you our address.

I find it hard to believe this is the only thing he chronically forgets to do.

A) You should check before you go to bed.
B) You should put notes up all over your house where he can read them and do it.
C) If this is a pattern or involves him forgetting other things he agreed to do, or him writing off "details, details, who cares" consider counseling with an ADHD Inattentive specialist.

Hi - I do check before I go to bed, but he walks the dog before he comes to bed so he is the last line of defense here. I guess I could wake up and check the door again after he comes home, but - I don't know. I would rather not. If I get up to pee or something I do check. I really enjoy going to bed early-ish, though!

I think he will ignore notes/stop seeing them. I think one of those smart locks that's being recommended might work better. That way he doesn't have to *do* anything.

Do you have kids? There will be even more checkpoints required if and when you have kids.

My advice would be to only have one, because you are the only adult in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, why aren't you both locking your doors as soon as you get home?

Our neighbors never locked their doors except for right before bed, and they go to bed late. An autistic neighbor teen who was very agitated walked into their home and wouldn't leave. It wasn't such a huge deal, because they knew the parents, etc., but it was preventable. Lock your doors!

The kid was lucky he didn't get shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband - whom I love - sometimes forgets to lock our front door. He forgets to do it when he goes out, he forgets to do it at night. (He goes to bed after I do, most nights.) He used to forget to lock the door a lot - after many arguments, it's less often. But he gets so f*cking defensive about it when it happens - and basically just says: well, sorry, but it's going to happen every now and then. Deal with it.

Knock wood a million times, we haven't experienced any negative repercussions so far, other than me getting very stressed out and angry and us having a fight. We live in a pretty safe area (again, knock wood a million times).

We aren't having a marital crisis over this. We aren't going to divorce. It is in some ways emblematic of other issues - I think he's needlessly reckless about certain things; he thinks I get angry with him too much - but we have a good marriage.

I don't know what my question is exactly. I guess - have you figured out either a behavioral or technological trick that gets a spouse who doesn't lock the door to do it? And/or how upset would you be in this situation? I'm not crazy to feel upset about this, am I?

And no I won't give you our address.

THIS IS TEXTBOOK Attention Deficit Disorder. Is his father or siblings like this as well?

ADD first order symptoms: He can't do more than 1 thing at any time, cannot follow multi-step instructions (take dog for walk, then look door), forgets basic routine things frequently, Can't see things, Gets distracted easily, Only focuses on his chosen hyper-focus (dog, TV show, work emails, dating hot girl)
Second order ADD symptoms: Gets defensive when he messes up, Makes excuses for everything, Lies to cover up, Blames other people, Gets angry, Gets depressed. Repeat the cycle.