D14 Deleting My FB Posts

[Anonymous]

I am kind of surprised how much response this thread has gotten. It's been quite eye opening and informative. I truly appreciate everyone's input and point of view.

But I must say, and you guys don't know me or the whole situation (which is impossible even in the best of forums), if this kind of incident causes us to be estranged in life, I will be heartbroken and hopefully get over it. But I will never apologize for the type of father that I am, and continue to be. Not for one second.

I one posted about my relationship with my dad and how feelings drive action. I'm kinda surprised by how emotionally invested I am in your situation. But it just underscores to me the long-lasting impact incidents like this can have. As you can see from the posts, everyone who's got an opinion is basing it on their own feelings, which are based on their own experiences.

I'm still ironing out feelings I have about my father, but I no longer have the benefit of conversing with him about it. Make no mistake that it affects my relationship with my husband. I sometimes feel that he cares not one whit about my feelings on a matter, before I remember that I'm suppressing my feelings in the interest of keeping the peace, or that saying something wouldn't change the situation, or that my anger is going to blow up the entire relationship. That's not fair to him, or me, or our relationship. But it's a decades-old habit that formed in those years with my dad.

I think the important difference with my husband, though, is trust. It's the constant through all our disagreements that reminds me that he's a good person and keeps me from second guessing things. I don't even have to think about it. That way, I can focus on the outcome I want and what *I* have to do to. Because I'm the only one that I can control. (Control is another big issue I'm still working on.)

Personally, I feel that developing trust is the hardest thing for me as a parent because I'm so fearful about all the things I can't control. But I don't think my son can develop good judgment about what's right and wrong without my belief that he can and trusting that he can. I'm not sure if I'm articulating this effectively, but my big fear is that he never learns to trust his own judgment because his judgment is oriented to mine or his father's. We often make mistakes in judgment and may or may not realize or acknowledge them - which undermines trust. Does that make sense?

What's true in all relationships, and especially between parent and child, is this: people don't remember what you said or did, they remember how you made them feel. If you did something that your daughter asked you not to do - even if you recall that she gave her permission - you're doing a lot of damage to trust. And you really need trust to be that undercurrent that your daughter feels without having to think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally I would take awful pics if her everyday and post them just to piss her off.

OP here.

Finally... some levity!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you'd probably get different answers if you were talking about a son instead of a daughter. Our society is currently turning out girls who are out of control in an attempt to "empower" them. They're being empowered, but the emphasis is not being placed on the right things. They're becoming insufferable.

+100

And btw, men are not the only ones who feel this way. I am a woman and a mother to daughters and I find this thread to be crazy. I guess I missed the memo where my teenagers start dictating how things go around here.

I'm the mom of boys. I wouldn't post pics of them online if they didn't want me to. Just like I would expect them (or anyone) not to post pictures of me online if I didn't want them to.

My eldest is 19, a straight-A student in a top college, working an internship, an intelligent and delightful young man who respects his parents and helps around the house (when he is here). We have a great relationship. You know how we got here? By my walking the walk, not just talking the talk. I treat my family with kindness and respect, and I expect them to treat me and others that way as well.

My younger son is 14, just like OP's DD. He too gets treated as if his opinions matter. Does that mean he gets his way all the time? Of course not. But I don't need to overrule him at every turn to satisfy my own silly pride or trivial desires or to show him who's boss. He knows who is boss. And just like any good boss, I give him the space he needs to do his thing; I listen to his opinions and ideas and encourage his autonomy; I allow him to find success on his own as much as possible; I provide advice and expertise when asked or when it looks like it is needed; and I step in and take charge if it looks like things are about to go off the rails.

My kids are turning out pretty well, and I have a good relationship with them. Can OP say the same?

Obnoxious. Give me a break. Count your lucky stars, lady. Sure, you did your part in helping your kids to become successful. But you're kidding yourself if you think your kids' natural inclinations and personalities didn't have a huge impact on how they got to where they are.

All I hear in your post is self-congratulation and sanctimony. Go kick rocks.

Actually, my oldest had plenty of behavior problems as a younger kid. I am quite sure that the way to handle them was not to behave as badly as he was, LOL. I've never been sorry for modeling good behavior for my kids.

Because posting a photo of your teen on FB without her permission means you're a terrible parent.

Just wait until real life hits your snowflakes like a brick wall.

[Anonymous]

But I must say, and you guys don't know me or the whole situation (which is impossible even in the best of forums), if this kind of incident causes us to be estranged in life, I will be heartbroken and hopefully get over it. But I will never apologize for the type of father that I am, and continue to be. Not for one second.

My dad was a good dad. But it sure would have saved us both a lot of heartache if he'd made some changes. Deciding that his intent made all his decisions right was one of those things. Even if he WAS right, his disregard for my feelings was the impression that remained.

I can understand wanting some levity, but joking about doing something just to piss her off can set off a bad chain reaction. And it sounds like you're very familiar with bad chain reactions.

[Anonymous]

OP here. See embedded responses.

Anonymous wrote:I one posted about my relationship with my dad and how feelings drive action. I'm kinda surprised by how emotionally invested I am in your situation. But it just underscores to me the long-lasting impact incidents like this can have. As you can see from the posts, everyone who's got an opinion is basing it on their own feelings, which are based on their own experiences.

Very true.

Anonymous wrote:I'm still ironing out feelings I have about my father, but I no longer have the benefit of conversing with him about it. Make no mistake that it affects my relationship with my husband. I sometimes feel that he cares not one whit about my feelings on a matter, before I remember that I'm suppressing my feelings in the interest of keeping the peace, or that saying something wouldn't change the situation, or that my anger is going to blow up the entire relationship. That's not fair to him, or me, or our relationship. But it's a decades-old habit that formed in those years with my dad.

True. And good that you realize this. Don't make your husband carry YOUR baggage. This is a large part of what was the first cracks in my marriage. I come from as stable a home and family as you could ever want, and my ex came from quite the opposite. At this point in life (50ish), we should be able to deal with our baggage and issues without projecting it onto those close to us.

Anonymous wrote:I think the important difference with my husband, though, is trust. It's the constant through all our disagreements that reminds me that he's a good person and keeps me from second guessing things. I don't even have to think about it. That way, I can focus on the outcome I want and what *I* have to do to. Because I'm the only one that I can control. (Control is another big issue I'm still working on.)

Personally, I feel that developing trust is the hardest thing for me as a parent because I'm so fearful about all the things I can't control. But I don't think my son can develop good judgment about what's right and wrong without my belief that he can and trusting that he can. I'm not sure if I'm articulating this effectively, but my big fear is that he never learns to trust his own judgment because his judgment is oriented to mine or his father's. We often make mistakes in judgment and may or may not realize or acknowledge them - which undermines trust. Does that make sense?

Anonymous wrote:What's true in all relationships, and especially between parent and child, is this: people don't remember what you said or did, they remember how you made them feel. If you did something that your daughter asked you not to do - even if you recall that she gave her permission - you're doing a lot of damage to trust. And you really need trust to be that undercurrent that your daughter feels without having to think about it.

This is obvious. But it goes both ways and I will remember the way she made me feel yesterday regarding the FB post, as well as the last 3 years of feeling like the odd man out and tip-toeing around in fear of ANOTHER thing I did wrong. What a HORRIBLE thing to have a dad who likes to show he's proud and loves his daughter. Puhleeze.

2 other things come to mind:

1. I know with 100% certainty that none of her friends, NONE, see my FB wall.
2. She allows 2 other adults I know to post pictures with her in them. One is a teacher at her school who posts small groups and individual shots of her in her activity. She has no "approval rights" over those.

So I am about to have a conversation with her about this very thing; that I love her more than anything, am a good and present dad, and am truly doing my best. If this isn't good enough then your choice is to unconditionally accept me as I am (as I do HER), or plant the seeds of a distant and possibly estranged relationship.

[Anonymous]

No it doesn't go both ways. You are the adult, not a kid. She is not responsible to make you feel good. You can't let a teenager hurt your feelings and you can't react from those hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I would take awful pics if her everyday and post them just to piss her off.

OP here.

Finally... some levity!

This 100%.

My kids aren't of FB which is awesome because my goal in life is to embarrass them.

Signed-
Mom known to walk them to their 1st period class in pajamas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No it doesn't go both ways. You are the adult, not a kid. She is not responsible to make you feel good. You can't let a teenager hurt your feelings and you can't react from those hurt feelings.

OP here.

Correct, it's not her responsibility to "make me feel good", but as I hope all kids learn, it IS a responsibility to not make people feel bad.

[Anonymous]

1. I know with 100% certainty that none of her friends, NONE, see my FB wall.
2. She allows 2 other adults I know to post pictures with her in them. One is a teacher at her school who posts small groups and individual shots of her in her activity. She has no "approval rights" over those.

So I am about to have a conversation with her about this very thing; that I love her more than anything, am a good and present dad, and am truly doing my best. If this isn't good enough then your choice is to unconditionally accept me as I am (as I do HER), or plant the seeds of a distant and possibly estranged relationship.

I don't think you know how FB works. You can block access to your profile, but every time you mention another person it shows up on their wall. Go to any random friend's profile, look at "Photos of _______" and you'll see photos that other people people posted. You have to change "who sees this photo" when you first post it, but Facebook doesn't always prompt you on those settings.

What you do know is that it upset her and you did it anyway, her feelings be damned. Is there any room in your great parenting to acknowledge that you made a mistake and try to rectify it? There's a much greater chance that the next thing that will happen is that she will do the same thing.

There's nothing wrong with telling her just how angry you are at what she did. But if you stop at her feelings be damned, that's where she'll stop too.

[Anonymous]

For a teenager, a proud parent can be mortifying. We can use that to our advantage or we can use it to make them know who has the power in the house. Our standing household rule is everyone has the right not to have pictures shown of them. I can adore a picture of my daughter, but it doesn't mean I get to put it on facebook. Because we respect each other, she knows if I say "I love this picture and I want a picture of it in my photo album" that's as far as it will go. And she knows when I die, she gets the photo albums and can remove any picture she thinks is awful. Of course, she's also seen the photos our parents have of us, and finds them hysterical.

My daughter is fine with me bragging about her using text. Although, she thinks facebook posts talking about honor roll or awards are kind of dumb. If she preferred I not discuss her on social media - which is a reasonable request - I'd just have to call up the grandparents and brag on the phone. Woe is me. It is not my daughter's duty to make me feel good about myself, and on some level that's what bragging about her on social media is about. "I have this awesome kid."

This is important to me because I don't want my daughter to be pressured into taking pictures by anyone else, so I'm not setting the groundwork that it's acceptable to pressure someone to take pictures. I don't want my daughter to be pressured into having a particular social media presence, so I'm not setting the groundwork that it's ok to put someone's information on social media. I want my daughter to be able to establish boundaries with anyone, and hold them firm. Too often we give girls the message that their boundaries are not to be respected, that they do not have the right to their opinions, feelings, or their body.

What does not posting your daughter's photo cost you? Nothing but a little bragging rights among friends/family. What does not posting your daughter's photo gain you? Your daughter's trust.

Seems like a no brainer to me.

Your daughter should not delete your facebook posts. She shouldn't have to. You should respect her enough to honor her requests regarding her photo. Her compromise is letting you have photos of and with her, you need to use them appropriately. They are personal, for you. Not for anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So I am about to have a conversation with her about this very thing; that I love her more than anything, am a good and present dad, and am truly doing my best. If this isn't good enough then your choice is to unconditionally accept me as I am (as I do HER), or plant the seeds of a distant and possibly estranged relationship.

NO.

This isn't an equal relationship. You are her DAD.

She doesn't have to do ANYTHING to earn your unconditional love and support. You are her DAD. You will always love her and accept her. She isn't planting any seeds of a distant relationship. You will always be there for her.

Dads don't turn to their daughters and sons for support or acceptance. Dads are there for their kids, even when their kids act like jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You honestly sound like a terrible, terribly immature father who broke up your family, had an awful divorce and now wants to be done with his daughter at a very pivotal, and confusing time in her life. And stop posting her photo on social media when she has explicitly told you not to. Is she being unreasonable? Probably. But respect her privacy and maybe acknowledge that some of her hostility could stem from confusion and frustration and pain for the breakup of her parent's marriage and her home. Plus she's at there very difficult age of 14.

This. The fact that you took the time to write such an elaborate post about Facebook...? Dude you need to look inwards. Deeply.

And as for your 14 yo daughter's actions.... she's FOURTEEN. And you've been her father that entire time. You bear some responsibility for her actions. Again, look inwards.

PS how do you think she'll feel when she finds this post on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No it doesn't go both ways. You are the adult, not a kid. She is not responsible to make you feel good. You can't let a teenager hurt your feelings and you can't react from those hurt feelings.

OP here.

Correct, it's not her responsibility to "make me feel good", but as I hope all kids learn, it IS a responsibility to not make people feel bad.

Even if she is a jerk, you still don't cut her off and say I. Am. Done. (or whatever you said).

You are hurt, we get that. Don't take it out on your kid though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So I am about to have a conversation with her about this very thing; that I love her more than anything, am a good and present dad, and am truly doing my best. If this isn't good enough then your choice is to unconditionally accept me as I am (as I do HER), or plant the seeds of a distant and possibly estranged relationship.

NO.

This isn't an equal relationship. You are her DAD.

She doesn't have to do ANYTHING to earn your unconditional love and support. You are her DAD. You will always love her and accept her. She isn't planting any seeds of a distant relationship. You will always be there for her.

Dads don't turn to their daughters and sons for support or acceptance. Dads are there for their kids, even when their kids act like jerks.

Yeah, agree with this PP. don't have this sort of conversation, that would be a terrible idea.

[Anonymous]

OP, I mean this with genuine concern... I think you need therapy. You seem to have a lot of turmoil in your life with your ex, and your teenager, I'm sure there is tons of stress navigating all of that. it could help a lot.