D14 Deleting My FB Posts

[Anonymous]

Right now, op you sound like the 14 year old in this setup. Do not post pictures of your DD. That's rule number one. Apologize to your DD. And then never post again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP ignore the trolls bashing you as a father.

What she did was very wrong and you have every right to be furious.

On the other hand she has asked you to not post pictures of her and given the strained relationship, you might want to consider respecting that request.

I would also be careful about making a decision while angry to cut off her cell phone. That could have other ramifications and isn't a decision you should make rashly.

It sounds like you are caught in an acrimonious divorce. That is stressful and difficult and on top of it you are being asked to not share about your daughter.

You need to really think about which battles are worth fighting. Is having pics of her on your FB page so important to you that you are wiling to cause damage to your relationship with your daughter?

You do need to address the password thing. Getting angry at her isn't going to help. I would stay can and focus on how disappointed you were in the choices she made. I don't know what her trust issues with you relate to specifically but it sounds like some counselling together to address these things with a third party could be helpful.

+1

I'm a mom to teens and have been through an acrimonious divorce. It's hard to separate out the crazy ex stuff and not let it affect all interactions. I think you are a decent dad trying to figure it out. Take a breath and figure out what's really going on here. FWIW I find it an extreme invasion of privacy that someone took your password.

[Anonymous]

You are out of line. You don't post a picture of someone else without their permission.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I think the DCUM hysteria over teenage personhood has reached new heights. This is the reason our young people literally cannot handle life, in college and at work.

Jesus people, he posts like 4 times a year. The kid needs to get the hell over it. It's a good opportunity to learn that the world does not revolve around you and sometimes you don't control everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The picture thing is a sensitive topic for kids. You may think it's a flattering pic, but at 14 she probably does not. I'm going to say you were in the wrong here for posting any pic of her at all when it seems she's made it very clear she's not okay with it. At a certain point, kids reach an age where they have a right to have a say in their online prescence, and I think your dd has reached that.

If she did hack your FB, that's obviously not okay either. In your shoes I'd change all my passwords on FB and email, and work out another password system (for example, I have a system where my passwords are written down, but I have two digits at the end that I know and don't write down). I honestly don't know if I'd punish her - I know you don't see it now, but you were in the wrong to post her image.

I'm sorry you're going through this - I'm sure it's not easy, and probably will only get harder in the next few years. Taking the high road now will reap rewards later - don't get in the weeds with her.

+1
She made her feelings clear and you didn't listen. Being 14 she found a way to resolve it. Respect her - it will go a long way in her showing more respect for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The post has been deleted. She was not tagged because I would never do that, and she never goes on FB.

The issue here is that to get my password, she would have had to get into my computer, open my password file, and take a screenshot of it. Or she must have found the hard copy of that doc I have in the back of a cabinet. This is a bigger violation of trust than posting a congratulatory pic that no one in her life will ever see. If she got my FB pwd then she had access to all kinds of other info.

She also has a history of "reporting" my activities and behavior to my ex, including pictures taken without my knowledge and and secretly recorded conversations.

This is just the last straw and in all honesty there's a pretty involved back story that is too long to relate here.

Am I out of line to really be angry over this incident alone?

No, you're not out of line. But you'll never get honest responses here. Men are viewed as the devil.

[Anonymous]

OP, you'd probably get different answers if you were talking about a son instead of a daughter. Our society is currently turning out girls who are out of control in an attempt to "empower" them. They're being empowered, but the emphasis is not being placed on the right things. They're becoming insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you'd probably get different answers if you were talking about a son instead of a daughter. Our society is currently turning out girls who are out of control in an attempt to "empower" them. They're being empowered, but the emphasis is not being placed on the right things. They're becoming insufferable.

+100

And btw, men are not the only ones who feel this way. I am a woman and a mother to daughters and I find this thread to be crazy. I guess I missed the memo where my teenagers start dictating how things go around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you'd probably get different answers if you were talking about a son instead of a daughter. Our society is currently turning out girls who are out of control in an attempt to "empower" them. They're being empowered, but the emphasis is not being placed on the right things. They're becoming insufferable.

This has nothing to do with being a boy or a girl. The reality is that a 14 year old shouldn't have pictures posted without permissions. That is basic courtesy.

Also, I'm not sure what is wrong with empowering girls to state what they want. Would you prefer barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen at 18? Asking that a picture not be posted certainly doesn't cross the line to insufferable.

The OP asked if he was out of line and most people believe he is acting inappropriately.

[Anonymous]

You are the child and I am the parent. If I choose to show a nice picture that you are in to my FB friends then STFU and deal with it. I am exhausted of walking on eggshells and trying to make up for the divorce.

My parents divorced, I went to live with my dad and he said this very thing (you're the child, I'm the parent) all the time. It's 35 years later and he died a couple years ago and I still resent him for it.

She asked you not to post pictures of her. You have no idea what drama it's causing, but it's obviously causing a lot. Respect that she's a person with feelings, respect that she has to set some boundaries, respect that your divorce has also impacted her and just stop posting pictures.

When you tag someone in a photo, it shows up in their feed and is viewable by their friends. You already said her mother makes comments. Maybe your daughter just doesn't want all this drama playing out in front of her friends. You don't have to be in penance forever about whatever happened with her mother, but you have to give some respect and consideration for someone else's feelings to get it in return. Not that "I'm the parent" bullsh*t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The post has been deleted. She was not tagged because I would never do that, and she never goes on FB.

The issue here is that to get my password, she would have had to get into my computer, open my password file, and take a screenshot of it. Or she must have found the hard copy of that doc I have in the back of a cabinet. This is a bigger violation of trust than posting a congratulatory pic that no one in her life will ever see. If she got my FB pwd then she had access to all kinds of other info.

She also has a history of "reporting" my activities and behavior to my ex, including pictures taken without my knowledge and and secretly recorded conversations. [u]

This is just the last straw and in all honesty there's a pretty involved back story that is too long to relate here.

Am I out of line to really be angry over this incident alone?

WAIT.

Looking at previous replies I don't see anyone addressing this line (in bold above) in OP's follow-up post. It leaped out at me.

OP, you're saying that your 14-year-old is the one who has been secretly photographing you and secretly recording conversations you have? Am I actually seeing that right?

If that is the case, you truly "buried the lead" on this by not mentioning that first and foremost in your original post. Stealing your FB password etc. is only the latest problem if she is already taking secret photos and recording conversations. Can you see that? I'm amazed there aren't a heap of posts about this one line buried deep in this post.

You and she and her mother, ALL, have huge issues and you and your ex need to find some way to work together or you will both end up with a young adult who can trust no one and nothing, and who is manipulative, because she learned that being manipulative and deceitful is what bought her her mother's approval (maybe yours, too; we don't know all the back story at which you hint). If you are abusing her, yeah, then I could see a teen doing everything she could to get evidence. But short of that circumstance, your DD is so far out of line she's in another universe. And your ex is out of line if she's encouraging this secret recording and photographing. And you're out of line too because you're letting the password theft become your "hill to die on" when you should have dealt with the secret recording (and other problems you don't mention) before this ever happened.

OP, it sounds like you and your ex have a horrible relationship; even if you aren't in contact, it's still horrible because it is making your child do horrible things. You, ex and DD need intensive and committed therapy with a therapist who is extremely experienced in handling the ex-spouses after contentious divorces. Does your DD already get therapy or counseling? If so, it's not working well enough to make her feel she can stand up to mom or to you either. If not, then your DD also needs her own, separate therapist, someone very skilled in working with teenagers. She needs a place to vent about both you and her mom and she needs a "safe" third party adult, who is not you or her mom, to tell her that behaviors like stealing passwords and photographing and recording people are not only wrong, they're symptoms of something that needs to change.

If you say you and your ex could never agree to do what a therapist advises about your DD, then you both are giving up on your child. Yes, she was wrong to steal your password. If I'm reading you right and she has been recording/photographing you, she was wrong to do that. And wrong to report to her mom. But your anger with her mother is blinding you to the fact that both you and your ex are turning[i] this child into a sneaky, manipulative kid. She is only four years from leaving home for good, OP. Swallow your anger and tell your ex that you three all need to agree to work with a therapist. If ex won't do it, you and daughter need to go. I wish a court could order you and ex into therapy together solely for the purpose of teaching you not to put this teen in the middle of your anger with each other. I'm not negating what DD did. I would be furious, as you are. But DD is doing what she thinks she has to do to impose her own control on her out-of-control emotional life--can you step back from anger at her, and see that? And if you think DD is otherwise fine and dandy because the divorce is done, and don't see that a child of an ugly divorce is still feeling she lacks control -- you do indeed need to be working with a therapist. Please, for her sake, do it immediately. If you don't, once she goes off to college you likely won't see her or have a relationship with her again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The post has been deleted. She was not tagged because I would never do that, and she never goes on FB.

The issue here is that to get my password, she would have had to get into my computer, open my password file, and take a screenshot of it. Or she must have found the hard copy of that doc I have in the back of a cabinet. This is a bigger violation of trust than posting a congratulatory pic that no one in her life will ever see. If she got my FB pwd then she had access to all kinds of other info.

She also has a history of "reporting" my activities and behavior to my ex, including pictures taken without my knowledge and and secretly recorded conversations. [u]

This is just the last straw and in all honesty there's a pretty involved back story that is too long to relate here.

Am I out of line to really be angry over this incident alone?

WAIT.

Looking at previous replies I don't see anyone addressing this line (in bold above) in OP's follow-up post. It leaped out at me.

OP, you're saying that your 14-year-old is the one who has been secretly photographing you and secretly recording conversations you have? Am I actually seeing that right?

If that is the case, you truly "buried the lead" on this by not mentioning that first and foremost in your original post. Stealing your FB password etc. is only the latest problem if she is already taking secret photos and recording conversations. Can you see that? I'm amazed there aren't a heap of posts about this one line buried deep in this post.

You and she and her mother, ALL, have huge issues and you and your ex need to find some way to work together or you will both end up with a young adult who can trust no one and nothing, and who is manipulative, because she learned that being manipulative and deceitful is what bought her her mother's approval (maybe yours, too; we don't know all the back story at which you hint). If you are abusing her, yeah, then I could see a teen doing everything she could to get evidence. But short of that circumstance, your DD is so far out of line she's in another universe. And your ex is out of line if she's encouraging this secret recording and photographing. And you're out of line too because you're letting the password theft become your "hill to die on" when you should have dealt with the secret recording (and other problems you don't mention) before this ever happened.

OP, it sounds like you and your ex have a horrible relationship; even if you aren't in contact, it's still horrible because it is making your child do horrible things. You, ex and DD need intensive and committed therapy with a therapist who is extremely experienced in handling the ex-spouses after contentious divorces. Does your DD already get therapy or counseling? If so, it's not working well enough to make her feel she can stand up to mom or to you either. If not, then your DD also needs her own, separate therapist, someone very skilled in working with teenagers. She needs a place to vent about both you and her mom and she needs a "safe" third party adult, who is not you or her mom, to tell her that behaviors like stealing passwords and photographing and recording people are not only wrong, they're symptoms of something that needs to change.

If you say you and your ex could never agree to do what a therapist advises about your DD, then you both are giving up on your child. Yes, she was wrong to steal your password. If I'm reading you right and she has been recording/photographing you, she was wrong to do that. And wrong to report to her mom. But your anger with her mother is blinding you to the fact that both you and your ex are turning[i] this child into a sneaky, manipulative kid. She is only four years from leaving home for good, OP. Swallow your anger and tell your ex that you three all need to agree to work with a therapist. If ex won't do it, you and daughter need to go. I wish a court could order you and ex into therapy together solely for the purpose of teaching you not to put this teen in the middle of your anger with each other. I'm not negating what DD did. I would be furious, as you are. But DD is doing what she thinks she has to do to impose her own control on her out-of-control emotional life--can you step back from anger at her, and see that? And if you think DD is otherwise fine and dandy because the divorce is done, and don't see that a child of an ugly divorce is still feeling she lacks control -- you do indeed need to be working with a therapist. Please, for her sake, do it immediately. If you don't, once she goes off to college you likely won't see her or have a relationship with her again.

+1 that's a good catch, and a good point in that the perceived "password theft," regardless of whether it happened or not, is probably just the straw the broke the camel's back for OP and why he's reacting so strongly.

That is a shitty situation for OP. I'm not sure therapy is going to work. Sounds like the ex is pretty vindictive and manipulative, and therapy doesn't work when people like that are involved. It also sounds like she's got the daughter under her thumb pretty good.

[Anonymous]

You're her dad. You have no right to just be done with her. And if you choose to be done with her, it will be 100% your own doing, because you're the adult.

[Anonymous]

Also, you're CERTAIN you didn't leave your FB page logged in on any device? Did she pick up your phone or iPad knowing you'd be logged in?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thanks for all the replies. I must say, it was an interesting read and definitely gave me some perspective. A lot of it caused me to rethink my position and see things more clearly from her point, and a lot of it felt like a rush to judgment without considering a bigger picture. Fair enough. A few felt pretty harsh (I really don't think of myself as a "bad dad", because I'm not).

FWIW; What I recall of the day the pic was taken was I that as dropped her off for her event, I said something like "Can we take a FB selfie? You can even take it." She said "sure, after I change". She did and then even fixed her hair in a mirror. I handed her my phone and she took a few shots of us smiling. She got out of the car and we said "I love you" and off she went. She was then at her mother's house for the week.

My point being that I truly recall saying it was for FB and allowing her to take it and see it as she did. If that was somehow miscommunicated, I will apologize profusely to her and hope that is enough. If it's not, then I will let it go and hope that time heals things.

I cannot offer more love, support, encouragement, and presence than I have. I have bent over backwards to be a better parent after the awful divorce. But if my best isn’t good enough, then so be it.

I am all for respecting everyone's rights and wishes, but it has to go both ways. Based on this, I will be calmly and gently pointing out all the times she spied on me and sent texts, pics, and recordings to her mother, who then handed them to her lawyers (those guys could make Mother Theresa look like a horrible person) to use against me, and posted some of them on FB with some pretty vitriolic text. I don't think D14 is aware that mom posted her pix on FB during the divorce. I will also be reminding her of the time she accused me of being sexually inappropriate (baseless) around her and a friend and ran to mom with that one… you can guess how fast the lawyers were involved in that one.

So to wrap it all up, I will apologize for whatever mistake I have made. But I will also clearly tell her that she has done just as many things to break my trust and it was my mistake to allow those to continue. The first time she texted pics and reports to mom, I should have taken her phone for good.

I will also change every single one of the almost 400 pwds I have over the coming weeks.