D14 Deleting My FB Posts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a teenager, a proud parent can be mortifying. We can use that to our advantage or we can use it to make them know who has the power in the house. Our standing household rule is everyone has the right not to have pictures shown of them. I can adore a picture of my daughter, but it doesn't mean I get to put it on facebook. Because we respect each other, she knows if I say "I love this picture and I want a picture of it in my photo album" that's as far as it will go. And she knows when I die, she gets the photo albums and can remove any picture she thinks is awful. Of course, she's also seen the photos our parents have of us, and finds them hysterical.

My daughter is fine with me bragging about her using text. Although, she thinks facebook posts talking about honor roll or awards are kind of dumb. If she preferred I not discuss her on social media - which is a reasonable request - I'd just have to call up the grandparents and brag on the phone. Woe is me. It is not my daughter's duty to make me feel good about myself, and on some level that's what bragging about her on social media is about. "I have this awesome kid."

This is important to me because I don't want my daughter to be pressured into taking pictures by anyone else, so I'm not setting the groundwork that it's acceptable to pressure someone to take pictures. I don't want my daughter to be pressured into having a particular social media presence, so I'm not setting the groundwork that it's ok to put someone's information on social media. I want my daughter to be able to establish boundaries with anyone, and hold them firm. Too often we give girls the message that their boundaries are not to be respected, that they do not have the right to their opinions, feelings, or their body.

What does not posting your daughter's photo cost you? Nothing but a little bragging rights among friends/family. What does not posting your daughter's photo gain you? Your daughter's trust.

Seems like a no brainer to me.

Your daughter should not delete your facebook posts. She shouldn't have to. You should respect her enough to honor her requests regarding her photo. Her compromise is letting you have photos of and with her, you need to use them appropriately. They are personal, for you. Not for anyone else.

This is a great post. As a daughter and as the mother of a son, learning how to set boundaries and respect the boundaries that others set, is something I'm going to pay more attention to. Obviously, boys growing into men need the lesson as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, you think you sound good, but you can't hide a certain level of immaturity and narcissism. Your daughter is caught in a terrible mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So I am about to have a conversation with her about this very thing; that I love her more than anything, am a good and present dad, and am truly doing my best. If this isn't good enough then your choice is to unconditionally accept me as I am (as I do HER), or plant the seeds of a distant and possibly estranged relationship.

NO.

This isn't an equal relationship. You are her DAD.

She doesn't have to do ANYTHING to earn your unconditional love and support. You are her DAD. You will always love her and accept her. She isn't planting any seeds of a distant relationship. You will always be there for her.

Dads don't turn to their daughters and sons for support or acceptance. Dads are there for their kids, even when their kids act like jerks.

Yeah, agree with this PP. don't have this sort of conversation, that would be a terrible idea.

Agree, terrible idea. You're basically giving her an ultimatum and one or both of you will say horrible things that you won't mean but that you won't be able to take back because your egos will get in the way.

[Anonymous]

Today, you send a brief text that says: "I've thought about it more. I'm sorry I posted that pic and sorry I didn't take it down when you asked. ?"

Then you change your passwords. Then you do not contact her for a few days and give her space. Then you move on and don't bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Today, you send a brief text that says: "I've thought about it more. I'm sorry I posted that pic and sorry I didn't take it down when you asked. ?"

Then you change your passwords. Then you do not contact her for a few days and give her space. Then you move on and don't bring it up.

+1000 Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I mean this with genuine concern... I think you need therapy. You seem to have a lot of turmoil in your life with your ex, and your teenager, I'm sure there is tons of stress navigating all of that. it could help a lot.

OP here.

You may be surprised to know that I am the one who has facilitated 90% of the therapy in the family. I worked extensively with my daughter, but my ex refused to work together to improve our post marriage parenting relationship.

You may also be surprised to know that the therapist (who specializes in teens) feels like my position and parenting is solid, and that I have met them half way through a lot of self work. She (therapist) feels that it is my ex and my daughter who are the ones who need to do the work at this point.

Guys, I didn't say I'm done with my DAUGHTER. I'm done with the DRAMA and BEHAVIOR and my ex causing un-needed drama. I love my kid. In fact we have been talking about things all afternoon.

I feel very misunderstood here and I will bear the blame for poorly communicating the situation and my position.

[Anonymous]

The more you say, the more you show your compulsive need to always look good and be right. Of course you "won over" the therapist. You don't do anything wrong. It's always miscommunication. You're a great dad and it's always your daughter and ex-wife causing all the problems. Right. We get the message.

[Anonymous]

OP, you feel misunderstood because all that matters to you is that you're seen by as a "good and present dad." It's becoming more and more clear that this is so important to you that you need to publicize it on social media.

When your daughter points out that this is a problem for her - and you even share that you know it invites drama from her mother - your solution is to respond that YOUR feelings and YOUR need are more important. Accept me as I am or expect a distant relationship is something you say to someone who has a choice in the relationship. Like a girlfriend or a spouse. Not a child.

[Anonymous]

OP- I think I have a bit of feeling where you are coming from. The teen drama is a lot- especially with girls. My teenagers are NOT going to demand what I put on FB. A not inappropriate picture of my teen is going to remain on FB. They have the right to respectfully ask that I take something down or whatever but histrionics are not tolerated. So- while I have two teen girls we actually keep the drama somewhat constrained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I think I have a bit of feeling where you are coming from. The teen drama is a lot- especially with girls. My teenagers are NOT going to demand what I put on FB. A not inappropriate picture of my teen is going to remain on FB. They have the right to respectfully ask that I take something down or whatever but histrionics are not tolerated. So- while I have two teen girls we actually keep the drama somewhat constrained.

Yeah, she did ask him and he did it anyway.

Obviously there's something more at stake for him that supersedes his daughter's trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, you're CERTAIN you didn't leave your FB page logged in on any device? Did she pick up your phone or iPad knowing you'd be logged in?

OP here.

I must say, this post kind of pissed me off. Even if I did leave my computer open and logged on, there is NO excuse for her to grab my password. Can you imagine, for one second, if I did that to my daughter? Stole her password and went onto her Instagram account? She would be calling DCFS.

I've often picked up the iPad in our house, opened the Facebook app and found it logged into my husband's account. No password needed for me to access his account.

Also, if you tagged her and the post showed up on her wall, there's a button that says "remove this post from timeline." So she could have deleted it from her own profile but not yours.

It's unsettling how you describe her as a good kid but, before you talk to her, you jump immediately to "I'm done with her."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I mean this with genuine concern... I think you need therapy. You seem to have a lot of turmoil in your life with your ex, and your teenager, I'm sure there is tons of stress navigating all of that. it could help a lot.

OP here.

You may be surprised to know that I am the one who has facilitated 90% of the therapy in the family. I worked extensively with my daughter, but my ex refused to work together to improve our post marriage parenting relationship.

You may also be surprised to know that the therapist (who specializes in teens) feels like my position and parenting is solid, and that I have met them half way through a lot of self work. She (therapist) feels that it is my ex and my daughter who are the ones who need to do the work at this point.

Guys, I didn't say I'm done with my DAUGHTER. I'm done with the DRAMA and BEHAVIOR and my ex causing un-needed drama. I love my kid. In fact we have been talking about things all afternoon.

I feel very misunderstood here and I will bear the blame for poorly communicating the situation and my position.

And your therapist tells you it's a fine idea to deal with this by telling your dd all of the things she's done wrong during your divorce? Huh.

[Anonymous]

Damn. DCUM ladies are like rabid hyenas. Sickening how you all judge and deem this guy to be all kinds of wrong while sanctimoniously preaching about how to do parenting right. Parents who are so judgmental and know it all, not to mention downright mean, are surely facing problems of their own in their parenting. No two ways about it. Misery loves company.

[Anonymous]

I post pictures of my kids quite often. I even tag them in the posts. They have no problem with it, because I'm a woman who doesn't have an ex-wife who is a bitch. The problem is with your ex. Your 14 year old is very gullible. She needs to learn to think for herself. As for the majority of replies you've received here, ignore them, because most of these people are idiots.

[Anonymous]

She should not have your password.
You should not post pictures of others on social media.