D14 Deleting My FB Posts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The post has been deleted. She was not tagged because I would never do that, and she never goes on FB.

The issue here is that to get my password, she would have had to get into my computer, open my password file, and take a screenshot of it. Or she must have found the hard copy of that doc I have in the back of a cabinet. This is a bigger violation of trust than posting a congratulatory pic that no one in her life will ever see. If she got my FB pwd then she had access to all kinds of other info.

She also has a history of "reporting" my activities and behavior to my ex, including pictures taken without my knowledge and and secretly recorded conversations.

This is just the last straw and in all honesty there's a pretty involved back story that is too long to relate here.

Am I out of line to really be angry over this incident alone?

You should be mad at yourself for having your passwords accessible.

If you want your DD to respect your privacy, your things, and you, you must model those behaviors. Do you understand what that means? It means YOU must respect HER privacy, HER things, and HER. There is only one acceptable reason to disrespect the privacy, belongings, and person of a teenager, and that's when health or safety is involved. PERIOD.

Seriously, where do you get the balls to be angry with her about invading YOUR privacy?

Here is what you do now. You sit your DD down and say: "I need to apologize to you. I've done a lot of thinking, and I realize what a terrible mistake it has been to ignore your wishes about on-line privacy. Of course it is your right not to share things on-line if you don't want to, and actually, when I think about, I realize how smart you are to be concerned about on-line privacy. It's a good thing to be careful about. But even though I think sharing some good news or a pic occasionally is okay, if it's not okay with you, I need to respect that. I haven't been listening, and I'm really sorry. I promise that from now on, I will share nothing about you or post any pictures of you unless i get your permission first."

That is IT. Do not say anything about her deleting your post, because you have zero moral ground to stand on here. Without saying a word to her, change your passwords and do whatever else you need to do to protect your private things and information.

Then start acting like a person she can respect. You and your XW appear to be doing exactly the opposite.

Model the behavior you want to see. You want to be treated well? Then treat her well. She is a PERSON. Treat her like one.

Honestly, OP, if you were standing in front of me, I'd whack you on the head to knock some sense in.

[Anonymous]

Change your passwords and don't keep them at home in writing.

Ask your child before posting pictures of her on social media.

"I am done." is childish and immature and btw is not possible because you are the parent. If you make pronouncements like this in real life, that's an issue.

Your ex wife very likely influences your DD's opinion of you. It sucks. Consider family counseling so that you all can learn a more healthy way to interact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The post has been deleted. She was not tagged because I would never do that, and she never goes on FB.

The issue here is that to get my password, she would have had to get into my computer, open my password file, and take a screenshot of it. Or she must have found the hard copy of that doc I have in the back of a cabinet. This is a bigger violation of trust than posting a congratulatory pic that no one in her life will ever see. If she got my FB pwd then she had access to all kinds of other info.

She also has a history of "reporting" my activities and behavior to my ex, including pictures taken without my knowledge and and secretly recorded conversations.

This is just the last straw and in all honesty there's a pretty involved back story that is too long to relate here.

Am I out of line to really be angry over this incident alone?

This.

You should be mad at yourself for having your passwords accessible.

If you want your DD to respect your privacy, your things, and you, you must model those behaviors. Do you understand what that means? It means YOU must respect HER privacy, HER things, and HER. There is only one acceptable reason to disrespect the privacy, belongings, and person of a teenager, and that's when health or safety is involved. PERIOD.

Seriously, where do you get the balls to be angry with her about invading YOUR privacy?

Here is what you do now. You sit your DD down and say: "I need to apologize to you. I've done a lot of thinking, and I realize what a terrible mistake it has been to ignore your wishes about on-line privacy. Of course it is your right not to share things on-line if you don't want to, and actually, when I think about, I realize how smart you are to be concerned about on-line privacy. It's a good thing to be careful about. But even though I think sharing some good news or a pic occasionally is okay, if it's not okay with you, I need to respect that. I haven't been listening, and I'm really sorry. I promise that from now on, I will share nothing about you or post any pictures of you unless i get your permission first."

That is IT. Do not say anything about her deleting your post, because you have zero moral ground to stand on here. Without saying a word to her, change your passwords and do whatever else you need to do to protect your private things and information.

Then start acting like a person she can respect. You and your XW appear to be doing exactly the opposite.

Model the behavior you want to see. You want to be treated well? Then treat her well. She is a PERSON. Treat her like one.

Honestly, OP, if you were standing in front of me, I'd whack you on the head to knock some sense in.

[Anonymous]

OP you can be mad about your daughter taking your password, if that's what she did. But you can't be sure.

You can be mad that your relationship with your ex wife is not collaborative.

But being done over this facebook photo is totally unhealthy. It's annoying, and if she did really steal your password it is definitely disrespectful. But enough to end your relationship with your daughter over? In no way, ever ever ever. GEt a grip.

You need therapy. You have a 14 year old daughter. She is going to be impulsive, and dramatic. She is going to be self-centered. She is going to make mistakes. Where are you going to be when she tries alcohol, and maybe has several drinks in a less than safe place? If she steals your car? If she has sex?

Your daughter also has two feuding parents who from your post alone are clearly feuding immature and selfish too. She needs your help as much as you can give, actually more than you seem to be able to give.

Find it in yourself to create a relationship with your daughter based on guiding her to adulthood. It's a long road. Get some therapy and get yourself together to be the dad she deserves. Yes, she will make mistakes and will deserve to learn they are not acceptable. But how is your being done ever an acceptable punishment? For murder, ok, but this is not in no way that. Get some perspective. You are clearly still having trouble with the divorce (and even if your exwife is totally to blame you still need coping strategies) that you need to deal with in therapy too.

Yes, you are proud, which is great, your daughter is obviously in a good place in some ways. Think about keeping it that way. Grow. up. If you can't get over yourself and be a parent your daughter will remember forever. It sounds like she will grow up to be a good person but if you want a relationship with trust, you have to extend just a little right now.

Finally I'm guessing you are here on DCUM looking for endorsement because you've told someone this in person and they told you you were crazy. At least I hope so. You need a friend who can see through your anger.

Please work on yourself for your daughter's sake. She needs you. You can't write her off at 14 over this or anything. I really truly hope you know that.

[Anonymous]

She or her mother may have reported it to facebook as an unauthorized picture of a child.

[Anonymous]

I agree that at her age, or any teenager really, she has a right to say no to pictures of herself being posted online. It seems like you have good intentions but she's old enough to decide for herself now what people see. It's not just you. I think a lot of parents are running into this problem as their kids grow up in this age--mom and dad have gotten used to posting hundreds of pictures of their kid in all sorts of places and even over sharing things like freaking bowel movements. Now the kids are old enough to deserve and want some control but it's a habit for their parents to post these things. It's tough but I think the teen should have a say.

Now, if she stole your password, that's a punishable offense.

[Anonymous]

You have essentially shown your child that your public persona and impressing your Facebook friends is more important than her privacy, thoughts, and feelings. This will not bode well for your relationship with her in the future.

[Anonymous]

Any chance your ex is the one who knows your secret password file locations and screen shotted the file?

[Anonymous]

OP, dcum is full of angry women who have been thrown away by their exes. You didn't do anything wrongs by posting a picture of your kid. You sound like a great dad! Change all your passwords. Ignore your psycho ex. She is bitter and angry and likely always will be. Just enjoy your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You honestly sound like a terrible, terribly immature father who broke up your family, had an awful divorce and now wants to be done with his daughter at a very pivotal, and confusing time in her life. And stop posting her photo on social media when she has explicitly told you not to. Is she being unreasonable? Probably. But respect her privacy and maybe acknowledge that some of her hostility could stem from confusion and frustration and pain for the breakup of her parent's marriage and her home. Plus she's at there very difficult age of 14.

This exactly. You don't even have enough maturity to recognize that your daughter is a child and that children need to be guided, not treated like despised ex wives.

You violated her privacy and trust when you insisted on displaying pictures of her publicly, against her wishes, and then refused to remove them at her request. What do you expect that a smart, angry young person would do in this scenario? Snooping to find your password and removing those pictures herself sounds pretty damn reasonable to me.

You poisoned your little family pond, not her.

[Anonymous]

Why do you keep posting photos if your daughter doesn't want you to?

If you continue doing things against her express wishes, she will hate you and refuse to see you as soon as she's an adult. You will not have a relationship with your daughter in your life ever again.
Do you want that?

There seems to be some cognitive dissonance there, and perhaps you should see a therapist, OP. You need to understand that respect for others means listening to their deepest wishes and respecting them as much as possible. Do you have Asperger's or other disorder that prevents you from understanding social cues and making the difference between what's very important to others and what's not as important?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, dcum is full of angry women who have been thrown away by their exes. You didn't do anything wrongs by posting a picture of your kid. You sound like a great dad! Change all your passwords. Ignore your psycho ex. She is bitter and angry and likely always will be. Just enjoy your daughter.

The OP did not express himself clearly, but apparently the daughter is mad at him for posting photos. That changes things!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, dcum is full of angry women who have been thrown away by their exes. You didn't do anything wrongs by posting a picture of your kid. You sound like a great dad! Change all your passwords. Ignore your psycho ex. She is bitter and angry and likely always will be. Just enjoy your daughter.

Do you think OPs daughter is going to be okay with the "enjoy your daughter" suggestion? She sounds pretty upset with him. He may be willing to dismiss her feelings, but she's 14 and has agency now. She's pushing back on his idea of how things should be.

[Anonymous]

Stop posting pictures. How is that so hard.

My kids won't let me post pictures either (except Christmas and thanksgiving) and when my son was committed to a D1 college he would not let me post it.

He said they use social media to communicate and old people use it to brag.

Do you always just ignore the wishes of others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She or her mother may have reported it to facebook as an unauthorized picture of a child.

I think it's this. Don't accuse her of stealing your passwords. Just stop posting photos of her. She's a teen and likely sensitive about how she looks.

Just say you're sorry sincerely and move on.