Reply to D14 Deleting My FB Posts

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[quote=Anonymous]OP here.  See embedded responses.

[quote=Anonymous]I one posted about my relationship with my dad and how feelings drive action.  I'm kinda surprised by how emotionally invested I am in your situation.  But it just underscores to me the long-lasting impact incidents like this can have.  As you can see from the posts, everyone who's got an opinion is basing it on their own feelings, which are based on their own experiences.[/quote]

Very true.

[quote=Anonymous]I'm still ironing out feelings I have about my father, but I no longer have the benefit of conversing with him about it.  Make no mistake that it affects my relationship with my husband.  I sometimes feel that he cares not one whit about my feelings on a matter, before I remember that I'm suppressing my feelings in the interest of keeping the peace, or that saying something wouldn't change the situation, or that my anger is going to blow up the entire relationship.  That's not fair to him, or me, or our relationship.  But it's a decades-old habit that formed in those years with my dad.[/quote]

True.  And good that you realize this.  Don't make your husband carry YOUR baggage.  This is a large part of what was the first cracks in my marriage.  I come from as stable a home and family as you could ever want, and my ex came from quite the opposite.  At this point in life (50ish), we should be able to deal with our baggage and issues without projecting it onto those close to us.

[quote=Anonymous]I think the important difference with my husband, though, is trust.  It's the constant through all our disagreements that reminds me that he's a good person and keeps me from second guessing things. I don't even have to think about it. That way, I can focus on the outcome I want and what [b][i]*I*[/i][/b] have to do to.  Because I'm the only one that I can control. (Control is another big issue I'm still working on.)

Personally, I feel that developing trust is the hardest thing for me as a parent because I'm so fearful about all the things I can't control.  But I don't think my son can develop good judgment about what's right and wrong without my belief that he can and trusting that he can.  I'm not sure if I'm articulating this effectively, but my big fear is that he never learns to trust his own judgment because his judgment is oriented to mine or his father's.  We often make mistakes in judgment and may or may not realize or acknowledge them - which undermines trust.  Does that make sense?  [/quote]

[quote=Anonymous]What's true in all relationships, and especially between parent and child, is this:  people don't remember what you said or did, they remember how you made them feel.  If you did something that your daughter asked you not to do - even if you recall that she gave her permission - you're doing a lot of damage to trust.  And you really need trust to be that undercurrent that your daughter feels without having to think about it.[/quote]

This is obvious.  But it goes both ways and I will remember the way she made me feel yesterday regarding the FB post, as well as the last 3 years of feeling like the odd man out and tip-toeing around in fear of ANOTHER thing I did wrong.  What a HORRIBLE thing to have a dad who likes to show he's proud and loves his daughter. Puhleeze.

2 other things come to mind:

1.  I know with 100% certainty that none of her friends, NONE, see my FB wall.
2.  She allows 2 other adults I know to post pictures with her in them.  One is a teacher at her school who posts small groups and individual shots of her in her activity.  She has no "approval rights" over those.

So I am about to have a conversation with her about this very thing; that I love her more than anything, am a good and present dad, and am truly doing my best.  If this isn't good enough then your choice is to unconditionally accept me as I am (as I do HER), or plant the seeds of a distant and possibly estranged relationship.  [/quote]

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