MILs only -- and only if you do not like your DIL -- why?

[Anonymous]

PP I had to laugh at that. The last time I visited my MIL she actually said to me "You don't have to come all the time, just visit sometimes would be nice".

I still laugh at it. At some point OP you stop caring what your MIL thinks and move on and then a lot of what they say and do doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is O.K but I do believe that my son has become less fun and free spirited since having married her. They are always busy with work and kids and it seems like he’s never having any fun. I think he would be happier if he had married someone more carefree.

Hahahaha. Unless your hope was for him to never get married or have children, this was likely inevitable. Sounds like you should be proud he is acting like an adult

Of course I’m glad he is responsible but she has made him grumpy. I even offer to watch the kids so they can go on dates but scheduling anything with them is impossible.

She has made him grumpy? LOL. How about life makes people grumpier once they have work, kids and a spouse. You sound pretty darn grumpy yourself! And here’s a hint why “scheduling anything with them is impossible”: they don’t want to schedule things with you. And yes, that includes your son. He has your phone number and your address—if he’s not scheduling with you, He’s Just Not That Into You.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since it sounds like DILs answering for their MILs here, I'll tell you what my MIL says about me:

"She controls my son and won't let him do anything for me. She's not Asian like we are, and a DIL from our culture would be waiting on me and doing everything I tell her to do. My son is weak and bad, and he is her slave. I want him to have a wife from our culture who will take care of me and let him do whatever he wants, because all men deserve to be waited on and allowed to have extra girlfriends. I want her to drive me around, give me money, wait on me, cook, clean, give me the master bedroom in the house I want us all to live in together, and do everything my way, with a silent smile of respect. And she must have a good job and she must not be so ugly and fat, which she wouldn't be if only she were Asian."

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

So I actually think my MIL likes me a lot. She yearns to be close. And I try my hardest but I just can't find much common ground. Last week my 9 year old couldn't sleep because MIL told them a story about a demon appearing in her bedroom at night (MIL 100% believes this happened) and now my kid is scared to be alone in their room. What am I supposed to do with that? How do you have a conversation with someone who a) believes this happened and b) thinks it's an appropriate topic for a child?

It's just like, yeah kids, nana is a little crazy, what can we say? If she tells you a story about the devil appearing in her bedroom, just remember that she's crazy, OK? And privately we are trying to figure out how crazy is crazy enough to limit access to the kids (we definitely did not do sleepovers until they were pretty old and had devices to contact us directly). I don't feel judged by my MIL (possibly because when she had mental break after college I put up firm boundaries which I enforced, and I think she knows I'm unflappable). I actually feel pretty respected. If she's ever confused about this new fangled parenting, she just asks, and when I explain it, she nods appreciatively.

I know this is a small thing in life and I have a wonderful mother of my own, but I think I would be a great DIL with the right person. All the old ladies in book club at church are so lovely and fun to hang out with. My previous boyfriend's mother was a delight. I've always had older women friends. So I hate that I have to smile and nod when it comes to my MIL. And I hate that my husband ignores her while I arrange weekly visits with her while he's at work until eventually she cries that he doesn't spend enough time with her. She used to try to triangulate with me to make him spend time with her but I've just let.that.go. He can see his mom, or not. He's a grown man. And if I don't have the strength to see her, I just don't answer. There's no reason for me to be bending over backwards when my husband can't be bothered.

MIL does have a bunch of nutty friends who look up to her. She's one of those people who loves to be needed. So I guess we just aren't the right fit, but I just need to be glad that the universe has given me older women I can bond with. And I'm glad for her too that she has her band of misfits to follow her.

How she birthed my husband is a mystery to me, but I think the key is that FIL is pretty normal and MIL didn't go off the deep end until my husband was in his 20s.

[Anonymous]

If your MIL did not ALLOW you to attend her dd' wedding and you are still married to her son, who did not do anything to put a stop to this BS, then you really need to realize that she is either evil, or you are perceived as evil by the ILS. Nobody stood up for you to say this is BS? Nobody???

[Anonymous]

I honestly can’t imagine that my MIL or I would ever yell at or insult each other. We have a cordial, not very close relationship. Partly because I haven’t spent that much time with her, partly because her relationship with her son is complicated and I will never, ever get in the middle of that. I’m unconditionally on his side, even if he’s wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone who has these kinds of MIL problems. I know plenty of people who don't get along with their MIL, though most are polite. I don't know anyone in real life whose mother insists on a 1 day trip to Cali or a 5 minute screaming session or calling names. You are either exaggerating, not paying attention to the folks who don't talk about their MIL much, or need new friends. Most people don't have this drama! The conflict that I see are more along the lines of inlaws really want to see the kids for a holiday, but the parents don't want to travel, and people by and large end up working that kind of stuff out.

Same. I don't know anyone who has these horrible types of relationships that are written about here and I have a wide circle of friends and colleagues. We all talk about family so it isn't as though someone is hiding something. Most of the disagreements, if that is the right word, is about holiday time, who is going to travel to whom, and when. Which, in a way, is a good thing to have a conflict about because it means the grands want to see the kids, and that's what is important to me. My kids can't have enough people love them so I'm willing to bend over backwards to make sure they get lots of contact with their grandparents.

It’s interesting, most of my friends have had similar experiences to, with a rough patch or two but then you kind of reach a new path forward. I think my MIL is disappointed with the level of relationship she has with both her kids and it’s easier emotionally to blame the spouses than admit this is what your child wants. My MIL hates that we live several hours away from her but close to my family- that’s the root of everything and I can understand that. In her mind it’s me keeping her soon away selfishly, discounting the fact that the DC area is the best for my DH career and he’s never liked the city they live near (refused to even apply to college there before he ever met me). But really she just to tell herself that he wishes he was closer to her, he wishes he saw them more. I can live with it now that she is polite to my face. I’m sure she has to idea how much I’ve done to facilitate trips to see them and how much of our time off we spend going to them. Since COVID it’s been both simpler and sad; she’s just a germaphobe she can’t stand to be near almost anyone. We did a few trips where we stayed elsewhere and saw them outside or wearing masks but they won’t come to us and freak out if our youngest sneezes. My husband is basically at the point he can’t take it anymore and I’m following his lead. The kids don’t miss them which is sad in it’s own way. I don’t really know where we go from here, to be honest.

[Anonymous]

I don't have a MIL (died the first year we were married), but I will say that my mother is a great MIL and both my husband and my brother's wife get along really great with her. So if you're worried about being a bad MIL down the road, perhaps her approach might help you:

1) She's very aware of the potential for overstepping. Never comes over uninvited, always respectful, always follows instructions from the parents on how to care for the grandkids. In fact, I had to intervene when my nephew (the oldest) was born - mom didn't want to impose, so was sitting home waiting for invites to come over, and my brother and SIL didn't want to be constantly asking for help, so they were being really judicious in when they asked my mom to come over. I stepped in and was like "guys - don't worry about it - mom is DYING to come over more" and my brother reached out and said "you are super helpful, come whenever you want, just give us a day's notice. We'll tell you if it's not a good time" and then mom came all the time and everyone was happy.

2) She's SUPER helpful. Offers to babysit. Takes the kids for a full weekend a few times a year. Rearranged her schedule to watch my niblings every Friday (she still works) for years. If you're having a party, she's doing dishes, watching the kids and keeping them safe, bringing all the wine. She just jumps in for whatever you need.

3) She does not offer unsolicited parenting advice. This despite the fact that all her grandkids are being raised pretty differently on some of the "classic" stuff than we were - even though it was the 80s, she was basically an attachment parent - breastfed exclusively, was up in the night with us for years, couldn't stomach any CIO, no schedules, follow the kids lead. Whereas both my brother and I are raising our kids with formula, schedules, and CIO. But mom is supportive no matter what.

[Anonymous]

I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL. I sometimes thinks she may not like that I am far more liberal than she and her husband are, and I think she may think that I am too controlling with her son/my husband. But I also think she recognizes that we are doing a good job raising our kids, and I think she acknowledges that I am smart and that together my husband and I make good decisions regarding our family, in particular financial decisions. I know she worries about her other son and his family a lot, so I think she appreciates that she doesn't have to worry about my husband and our family so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am a MIL. my DIL, for reasons unknown to me, has chosen unkindness towards me.

I am a youngish MIL, 45 and still raising children-youngest is 1! And I work full time. So I am not at all overinvolved. They live several hours away. She is from an area near there.

I only met her a few brief times before they married, and at the time hoped for the best. The first holidays right after they married ( my baby was newborn at the time), they were still in student housing and would be moving again, so for Christmas I got her a gift card to a pet supply place, because they had a pet reptile that she seemed to love and had mentioned that it would grow and need a new living habitat. I drove several towns away to a store of the same chain, with my newborn, to buy the gift card. So I did think out this gift. For DS I got a card to Old Navy, he needed some casual clothes.

So Christmas Day comes, they were where they live and I had mailed them their wrapped presents. I promptly get a call from my son, questioning why I had gotten that card for his wife? I was like ??? supposedly she was offended that I got a card for the pet...it wasn't for the pet but for the wife who supposedly loved the pet and buying fun stuff for it! He actually told me she was offended. I was speechless.

I raised my DS better than that-my own mil has some mental issues and has given many an odd, inapproipriate gift and we always had the kids thank her and handwrite thankyou notes! Even if she truly thoght the gift was weird, why say anything about it? And the fact that DS made the call...I knew then that it wasn't going to be ok.

And it hasn't been, despite efforts for some time, but I have achieved peace through no contact on my part. Dh and I have also decided that our baby will not have contact with them at this time due to the fact that we feel she is unkind and our dd is not talking yet-she can't speak up if wife hurts her. My minor children are my first priority. I have peace with this-I just don't care much.

I am the same age as you and I agree with your son and DIL - the gift card was for the pet.

I would be thrilled if anyone got me a gift certificate to a dog or horse store! I think that the MIL was very thoughtful. She paid attention to what was important to her DIL, and the gift certificate allowed the DIL to pick out exactly what she wanted.

[Anonymous]

I get along with my MIL ok. She and my DH have a complicated relationship and as another PP said Instay the way out. She would say I am a good wife and mother but keep her son far away distance-wise bc of my job. Our biggest squabbles (via my husband) are trading off visits with my parents: I ultimately want my ILs to have a great relationship with my children and so overlook a lot of things and pick my battles. I try to remember they mean well and give them all the benefit of the doubt. I do hate staying with them for longer than a weekend for a variety of reasons but what to do:

[Anonymous]

My MIL does not hate me, but dislikes/disapproves of me and is very open about the reasons why (directly to me, to DH etc). I’m not a member od their religion, our kids are not being raised in ILs religion, and I’m a Democrat. We also live a plane ride away (due to DHs job). MIL gets along fine with her other DILs (who meet her requirements). DH and I have been married almost 20yrs. For MIL, I think she is disappointed in the way her son turned out (values beliefs etc) and blames that on me, fairly or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you grow older, OP, you will realize that all these things that irritate your about your MIL are easily avoided and not worth fighting and thinking about. Read what you wrote and you will see that drama is mutual. You two are feeding off each other. So, just don't answer several phone calls, stop insisting that you are raising your kids to a "higher standard," disappear when dishes are to be done. Don't go on several trips, let you DH and kids go on their own. Let her baby your husband on those few occasions, what harm is there? You are criticizing her so much, and truly it doesn't seem bad at all. But, it is good that you are venting. Is she foreign? Or Italian or Jewish American? It kind of sounds like it. So, my advice, from knowing I am the favorite DIL, just avoid, and nod and let it go. Oh, and parents do play favorites with their own children all the time.

This is pretty good advice I think. Have you read the 'I stopped caring and it helped my marriage thread'? I think a similar principle would apply here. Your MIL is entitled to her opinions - stop letting them get to you. If you visit and she puts you to work, call your husband in to help, or discuss it in advance th him that you're not OK with that dynamic and out him on notice that you expect him to step up. Or just don't do the work.

My MIL and I got along great, and thankfully we had less issues than y'all, but I know they found it funny some of the things I simply refused to engage in. Like the yard - it's a disaster but that's my husbands area so not my problem. If they called me with advice / names of folks I'd just punt it back to DH. If they called because they wanted to talk to me, great, but if it were really something or DH I'd punt the conversation back to him. Basically you can throw a ball at me, but that doesn't obligate me to catch it, and there are a lot of balls I'm willing to let go splat

And I don't hold a grudge. Letting things go is definitely helpful in all interpersonal relationships.

Can you please link this thread? Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am a MIL. my DIL, for reasons unknown to me, has chosen unkindness towards me.

I am a youngish MIL, 45 and still raising children-youngest is 1! And I work full time. So I am not at all overinvolved. They live several hours away. She is from an area near there.

I only met her a few brief times before they married, and at the time hoped for the best. The first holidays right after they married ( my baby was newborn at the time), they were still in student housing and would be moving again, so for Christmas I got her a gift card to a pet supply place, because they had a pet reptile that she seemed to love and had mentioned that it would grow and need a new living habitat. I drove several towns away to a store of the same chain, with my newborn, to buy the gift card. So I did think out this gift. For DS I got a card to Old Navy, he needed some casual clothes.

So Christmas Day comes, they were where they live and I had mailed them their wrapped presents. I promptly get a call from my son, questioning why I had gotten that card for his wife? I was like ??? supposedly she was offended that I got a card for the pet...it wasn't for the pet but for the wife who supposedly loved the pet and buying fun stuff for it! He actually told me she was offended. I was speechless.

I raised my DS better than that-my own mil has some mental issues and has given many an odd, inapproipriate gift and we always had the kids thank her and handwrite thankyou notes! Even if she truly thoght the gift was weird, why say anything about it? And the fact that DS made the call...I knew then that it wasn't going to be ok.

And it hasn't been, despite efforts for some time, but I have achieved peace through no contact on my part. Dh and I have also decided that our baby will not have contact with them at this time due to the fact that we feel she is unkind and our dd is not talking yet-she can't speak up if wife hurts her. My minor children are my first priority. I have peace with this-I just don't care much.

I am the same age as you and I agree with your son and DIL - the gift card was for the pet.

I would be thrilled if anyone got me a gift certificate to a dog or horse store! I think that the MIL was very thoughtful. She paid attention to what was important to her DIL, and the gift certificate allowed the DIL to pick out exactly what she wanted.

Thank you : ) I'm the PP, I was just reading this and like, hey I wrote that! An update-in the years since, my DS has been through the wringer with his wife (including her being arrested for dv on him) but is still married and ds and I are having a good relationship. DIL and I have a polite exchange type of relationship. I am content with that and as long as my son is safe (or feels safe) and happy that is all I care about. And the pet is still alive and still living in the home she bought for it with the card!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you grow older, OP, you will realize that all these things that irritate your about your MIL are easily avoided and not worth fighting and thinking about. Read what you wrote and you will see that drama is mutual. You two are feeding off each other. So, just don't answer several phone calls, stop insisting that you are raising your kids to a "higher standard," disappear when dishes are to be done. Don't go on several trips, let you DH and kids go on their own. Let her baby your husband on those few occasions, what harm is there? You are criticizing her so much, and truly it doesn't seem bad at all. But, it is good that you are venting. Is she foreign? Or Italian or Jewish American? It kind of sounds like it. So, my advice, from knowing I am the favorite DIL, just avoid, and nod and let it go. Oh, and parents do play favorites with their own children all the time.

This is pretty good advice I think. Have you read the 'I stopped caring and it helped my marriage thread'? I think a similar principle would apply here. Your MIL is entitled to her opinions - stop letting them get to you. If you visit and she puts you to work, call your husband in to help, or discuss it in advance th him that you're not OK with that dynamic and out him on notice that you expect him to step up. Or just don't do the work.

My MIL and I got along great, and thankfully we had less issues than y'all, but I know they found it funny some of the things I simply refused to engage in. Like the yard - it's a disaster but that's my husbands area so not my problem. If they called me with advice / names of folks I'd just punt it back to DH. If they called because they wanted to talk to me, great, but if it were really something or DH I'd punt the conversation back to him. Basically you can throw a ball at me, but that doesn't obligate me to catch it, and there are a lot of balls I'm willing to let go splat

And I don't hold a grudge. Letting things go is definitely helpful in all interpersonal relationships.

Can you please link this thread? Thank you!

That comment is 6 years old.