MILs only -- and only if you do not like your DIL -- why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I am a MIL. my DIL, for reasons unknown to me, has chosen unkindness towards me.

I am a youngish MIL, 45 and still raising children-youngest is 1! And I work full time. So I am not at all overinvolved. They live several hours away. She is from an area near there.

I only met her a few brief times before they married, and at the time hoped for the best. The first holidays right after they married ( my baby was newborn at the time), they were still in student housing and would be moving again, so for Christmas I got her a gift card to a pet supply place, because they had a pet reptile that she seemed to love and had mentioned that it would grow and need a new living habitat. I drove several towns away to a store of the same chain, with my newborn, to buy the gift card. So I did think out this gift. For DS I got a card to Old Navy, he needed some casual clothes.

So Christmas Day comes, they were where they live and I had mailed them their wrapped presents. I promptly get a call from my son, questioning why I had gotten that card for his wife? I was like ??? supposedly she was offended that I got a card for the pet...it wasn't for the pet but for the wife who supposedly loved the pet and buying fun stuff for it! He actually told me she was offended. I was speechless.

I raised my DS better than that-my own mil has some mental issues and has given many an odd, inapproipriate gift and we always had the kids thank her and handwrite thankyou notes! Even if she truly thoght the gift was weird, why say anything about it? And the fact that DS made the call...I knew then that it wasn't going to be ok.

And it hasn't been, despite efforts for some time, but I have achieved peace through no contact on my part. Dh and I have also decided that our baby will not have contact with them at this time due to the fact that we feel she is unkind and our dd is not talking yet-she can't speak up if wife hurts her. My minor children are my first priority. I have peace with this-I just don't care much.

I am the same age as you and I agree with your son and DIL - the gift card was for the pet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Certainly don't "hate" my DIL, but find her difficult to be around ever since she had a baby. She knows it all and I know nothing about child-rearing. I never interfere or make suggestions unless pointedly asked, and then get an eye-roll.

I did raise children, all seemingly well-adjusted adults, one of which is her husband, who she seems to like very much, so I must have done something right, lol.

To be fair, my MIL raised her children doing things that the AAP deems totally unsafe now. And my ex's mom did shit that makes me surprised her children survived into adulthood. I don't think you would find out that your DIL thinks you know nothing about child rearing unless you were telling her what to do, despite your post. My friend's MIL totally sabotaged her breastfeeding efforts and mine tried feeding my 5 month old a gummy bear.

Unsafe now, but safe then? I think this trend of newest "proper upbringing of kids" needs to stop. What AAP? I threw every book I bought about child raising away. Nothing worked with my kids. Kids grew up for centuries without car seats, eating God knows what, without Ferberizing... People listen to "authority" and how can you when this same authority made obesity and cholesterol and diabetes crisis in the US and in the world. Remember when they said fat is bad for you and added sugar to everything and now it turns out that sugar causes cholesterol and not so much the animal fat. Remember margarine? Should have stuck with butter and lard. It turned out for me, that the African(as in Africa) nanny knew more about kids and babies and how to raise them than I did. And all the pps here would consider her centuries behind their MIL's ways. When I couldn't get my kids to eat, she showed me how to feed them with fingers, how to make them real food of rice and ground beef when they refused US baby food. Showed me how to carry them, so they will sleep and not fuss. People need to be open minded about all the issues. We accept gender changes, same sex marriages, groper running for President, etc. but we can't accept MILs for who they are and realize that there might be good intentions behind their words and actions, but that generational gap causes the misunderstanding? All DIL's will very likely one day be MILs, try to treat your MILs like you want to be treated one day in the future. As for new moms, we all get a little bit insane when our first child is born. I remember swaddling and how midwife showed me how to swaddle my first born. I watched and thought I knew it all, but then had to ask my mom how to do it as all that I did, just came apart. She hasn't done it in over 27 years and came in and voila, did it perfectly the first time. I had to use cloth diapers for first baby as he got enormous rash from disposable ones(we later figured out which ones he can tolerate) and here comes my mom(I don't have a MIL, this is for examples for what older generations do know) and does it perfect again. Well, so much for me being Ms. Know it All. Turned out, I knew absolutely nothing and when books were no help at all, older mom and my kid's nanny in Africa knew it all. Please everybody, be open minded.

That science you think doesn't help raise kids? Yea, that's what lowered the child mortality rate from 30% of all deaths in 1900 to 1% of all deaths today.

HUGE difference between how to hold a baby or put on a diaper, vs feeding gummy bears to infants and not using car seats.

Oh, and since you're so obsessed with Africa: 1 in 9 children in Africa die before the age of 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL doesn't like me because it means she doesn't see her son and grandkids as often as she would like. We don't and will never live near here. I'm not Christian and my children are not being raised in any religion. I have no interest in spending Christmas with her because at this point we outnumber them and they spend the whole time at church anyway (FIL is a deacon).

So, you are an intolerant bigot, who hates her ILS because they are Christians. You also hate people of any other religious beliefs, I assume. Your way or the highway, right?

This was an interesting take on that PP's post!!! It sounds like you might be the intolerant one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dream DIL is a highly educated, high earning professional, doctor, lawyer, C suite, etc. Who has given us several healthy grandchildren.

My real DIL is an elementary school teacher who hasn't produced a grandchild and likely won't.

Maybe your son is the one “failing to produce” a grandchild. Or maybe he just loves backdoor so much they don’t give the other way a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because she treats me as if I am stupid, incompetent, and completely clueless about parenting. None of my other DILs seem to feel this way. It makes me sad.

This makes me sad reading it. Sounds like the problem is her, not you, especially since you have good relationships with your other DILs. I'm sorry.

-not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone who has these kinds of MIL problems. I know plenty of people who don't get along with their MIL, though most are polite. I don't know anyone in real life whose mother insists on a 1 day trip to Cali or a 5 minute screaming session or calling names. You are either exaggerating, not paying attention to the folks who don't talk about their MIL much, or need new friends. Most people don't have this drama! The conflict that I see are more along the lines of inlaws really want to see the kids for a holiday, but the parents don't want to travel, and people by and large end up working that kind of stuff out.

Same. I don't know anyone who has these horrible types of relationships that are written about here and I have a wide circle of friends and colleagues. We all talk about family so it isn't as though someone is hiding something. Most of the disagreements, if that is the right word, is about holiday time, who is going to travel to whom, and when. Which, in a way, is a good thing to have a conflict about because it means the grands want to see the kids, and that's what is important to me. My kids can't have enough people love them so I'm willing to bend over backwards to make sure they get lots of contact with their grandparents.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think my mil hates me, but I think she is at her core mean and dissatisfied with life in general.

She recently shared a big resentment of me that broke the family apart. Meanwhile, I have been catering to her and her family for 15 years while my resident, then working 60+ hours a week DH ignored her and passed the buck to me to manage family relationships.

I know in my heart I tried my best with her and even truly loved her for a time. Now, I think of her with sadness and pity for how she has chosen to bite the hand that feeds her. We will see how she enjoys being let down by her little prince’s (my DH) lack of organizational and communication skills. Bye, Felicia!

[Anonymous]

My DIL is O.K but I do believe that my son has become less fun and free spirited since having married her. They are always busy with work and kids and it seems like he’s never having any fun. I think he would be happier if he had married someone more carefree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is O.K but I do believe that my son has become less fun and free spirited since having married her. They are always busy with work and kids and it seems like he’s never having any fun. I think he would be happier if he had married someone more carefree.

Or maybe it’s just being single vs. being…married with kids.

Does he pull his weight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is O.K but I do believe that my son has become less fun and free spirited since having married her. They are always busy with work and kids and it seems like he’s never having any fun. I think he would be happier if he had married someone more carefree.

Hahahaha. Unless your hope was for him to never get married or have children, this was likely inevitable. Sounds like you should be proud he is acting like an adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is O.K but I do believe that my son has become less fun and free spirited since having married her. They are always busy with work and kids and it seems like he’s never having any fun. I think he would be happier if he had married someone more carefree.

Hahahaha. Unless your hope was for him to never get married or have children, this was likely inevitable. Sounds like you should be proud he is acting like an adult

Of course I’m glad he is responsible but she has made him grumpy. I even offer to watch the kids so they can go on dates but scheduling anything with them is impossible.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, I'm so glad I have a great MIL! She is the best and like a second mom to me and is close with my mom too. Honestly, when my DH and I have problems and divorce crosses my mind, I think about her and how much I love her as a MIL.

For some reason though, my SIL doesn't like her and is extremely rude to her, and I just don't understand why because MIL is so nice. It makes me sad and I hate to see her feelings hurt by my SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is O.K but I do believe that my son has become less fun and free spirited since having married her. They are always busy with work and kids and it seems like he’s never having any fun. I think he would be happier if he had married someone more carefree.

He is literally not “carefree,” ie “free of cares.” He is a father.

Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is O.K but I do believe that my son has become less fun and free spirited since having married her. They are always busy with work and kids and it seems like he’s never having any fun. I think he would be happier if he had married someone more carefree.

Hahahaha. Unless your hope was for him to never get married or have children, this was likely inevitable. Sounds like you should be proud he is acting like an adult

Of course I’m glad he is responsible but she has made him grumpy. I even offer to watch the kids so they can go on dates but scheduling anything with them is impossible.

…I’m sorry, on what basis do you feel confident making the evaluation “SHE has made him grumpy”? Do you view him as a helpless little boy who has no control over his life or his emotions? You realize you’re not saying “he seems more grumpy nowadays,” you’re little putting the blame on his wife for it? This is some real yikes and does not say good things about your values or your communication style; I imagine it’s no coincidence they’re keeping their distance from you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I do think that there is a generational thing here. Our modern husbands don't have as much time for their mothers because they do help a lot more in the house. And, while they do not "wait" on us hand and foot, that probably is the perspective of our MILs, since my husband cooks dinner half the time, does the dishes half the time, does the laundry half the time, deals with the pets half the time.

I know I work, my DH works, and we both help out equally in the house and with the kids. Sometimes he's on a work trip, and I'm doing 100% and sometimes I'm on a work trip, and he's doing 100% but more or less, we do a great 50/50 split. DH used to visit his mom every month at least and probably call her 2-3 times a week before me. Well, we don't have a weekend every month anymore for ourselves, let alone for his mom -- the kids are in Sunday School every Sunday and Saturdays are soccer, birthday parties, and every once in a while, a little family time for a hike or a movie.

When we do have time to visit his mom, she babies him and it's seriously disruptive for our marriage. She insists that he sits down while she puts me to "work" doing dishes. She stocks the fridge with pumpkin pie and cheap deli meats that he likes and then she talks about how I don't feed him enough and make him work too hard. So, now we visit her even less. When she visits, she complains that her son is doing too much work in the house and I'm not doing a good job "taking" care of him. So we invite her over less and less.

I can see how the relationship has spiraled downhill because our generational gap created different expectations.

I also think the same can be said about parenting. Yes, she did raise multiple children, all who are well-adjusted adults, but a lot of the stuff she did back then just isn't the current standards (like she insists that our toddler is "chubby" and should be drinking non-fat milk, but all the current research shows that fat is essential for brain development). She did raise my husband very well, but she doesn't seem to realize that this is my turn.

And, she constantly compares me to her other DILs -- all of whom she says are better and nicer to her. So, that definitely pisses me off. It's like a game of favorites that parents would never play with their children, but with their DILs, they think that's okay. I am the most opinionated DIL, plus I'm the Democrat (they are all conservative), but I hate drama, too. It's weird -- from my side, it seems like MIL is causing all the drama, but now I see that from her side, I'm the one causing all it.

What am I to do? The only thing that would make her happy is if I became a doormat, DH visited her and called her a lot and left me as a second choice, and I waited on DH hand and foot. Obviously, that ain't happening. I'm not leaving my husband and kids, so I guess we're at an impasse.

I understand her a little better, though, now.

OP are you Asian? At least your husband and in laws sound like it.

My in laws live back in their home country in Asia, and after 3 years of not getting to see them DH finally bought tickets to fly our family (including 2 young kids) half way around the world because MIL wouldn't stop guilting him into coming back to see her. Last night when we were talking about the logistics of our trip, how Covid numbers seem to be on the rise again so masks would probably be mandatory, etc. DH casually mentions that MIL actually suggested that he to come back alone so that there would be less potential Covid exposure, he could rest at home without the hassle of small kids, his mom (actually the live in maid) would cook and take care of him, and he can go see all of his extended family that he hasn't seen for a while..
We were laughing but needless to say, I was glad we lived half way across the globe from MIL.