MILs only -- and only if you do not like your DIL -- why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I (and most of my friends) are upper middle class. Is this a rich problem? Are poorer MIL/DIL relationships better? That actually makes sense, because we can afford to say STFU and don't rely on our ILs for money, babysitting, or support. Maybe if we were a little more humble, things would be better.

The 5-minute phone call may have been exaggerating, but she called my friend while we were out to lunch and she put her on speaker phone. The woman wouldn't even stop to breathe, she was so mad "Before he met you, he never missed a birthday." It was lunchtime -- her birthday wasn't over yet. It was bizarre, but 100% true.

I don't know about your MIL but I know why I don't like you. Paragraph 1 shows how out of touch you are with reality, so I'm guessing your views about MIL are similarly skewed.

Also, if you exaggerate, the story isn't 100% true. That's the essence of exaggeration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL here. Your points are some of the same things we complained about with OUR MILs! And the generations before us, and so on and so on. So I don't think that dynamic is ever going to change.

One thing that I have learned over the years, is that I don't think my MIL was being as critical of me as I thought she was. And I wish I had good-naturedly embraced her fixing his favorite foods, indulged it even. We call them "comfort foods" now. She called it "love".

Dietary and nutritional guidelines and recommendations change over the years as well. You can listen to and not act upon her recommendations. A nice vague response could be "that's interesting point, I'll ask the pediatrician about that".

No child is going to be ruined or scarred for life by allowing an occasional grandparent treat or indiscretion, dietary, or bedtime, or tooth brushing, or otherwise. Kids are waaay to smart for that one.

This may seem like capitulation and work on your part, but it's not really. You both love your husband and the children so make a jumping off point.

And BTW, the spoiled-by-the-husband wife of my generation is largely an urban myth. Only know of two of them and neither one is me!

+1. You are a wise woman. I am not a MIL yet, but my MIL passed away and she accepted me so much and helped me so much, I am from Europe, she was born and raised in Colorado, wonderful woman. Passed away, sadly. My FIL is a bit more difficult, sexist and such, but I got the best advice from my DH about dealing with him, and that is just to avoid most topics. He likes to provoke a lot and he likes drama, his own kids say this, he likes it so much, but goes around telling everybody how he doesn't like any issues or drama. Now that I am older, I don't stress over it at all. Yes, I know young people might think we gave up, but we really didn't, we just got smarter and realized that these things are not worth a fight and grand kids not seeing their loving grandparents. One of the best times my DD has with grandpa is him taking her to a special deli and sweets shops, he buys her expensive lemonade and tons of cookies and they chat. She is a teen and I would like to think that the reason they get along so well, even though she is an independent young lady, and he thinks woman's place is in the kitchen, is that I never made a fuss about it, and told her to just get along and not to argue over everything, and she sees me doing the same. And, since we see him twice a year, all those cookies and cakes, really won't do her any harm, and yes, she know better than to eat sweets all day long. She knows grandpa is buying her all this more for himself than for her, and everybody is happy. As for your last statement, ditto on that, urban myth. For me, for all my female friends, heck I don't know any woman who has a husband like that, but that might be because I am in my 40s. My SIL divorced her DH, because he wasn't emotionally available..... not a cheater, not abusive, great earner, but he wasn't helping in the house and with the kids. Worst decision of her life, she says that now, 12 years later, when she realized she was chasing a myth. But, I admit that I don't know how it is with people in their 20s, I hope that there is equality in house chores among them, it would be a welcome progress.

[Anonymous]

Your friend has an option of not answering the phone while she is out having lunch with you, right? Plus, that would have been the polite thing to do. Unless it is an emergency I don't answer my phone when my friends have made time to see me in person and are right there in front of me. But, some good came out of it as it prompted you to post here, and hopefully get some perspective. I also need to tell you to get off your high horse, you aren't raising your kids to a higher standard. My grandmother, who would barely read, and had three boys right before WWII in occupied poor country in Europe, and then had a DH in a concentration camp, and managed to raise all three boys and send them to college and all three were engineers, now that is a higher, if not impossible standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend has an option of not answering the phone while she is out having lunch with you, right? Plus, that would have been the polite thing to do. Unless it is an emergency I don't answer my phone when my friends have made time to see me in person and are right there in front of me. But, some good came out of it as it prompted you to post here, and hopefully get some perspective. I also need to tell you to get off your high horse, you aren't raising your kids to a higher standard. My grandmother, who would barely read, and had three boys right before WWII in occupied poor country in Europe, and then had a DH in a concentration camp, and managed to raise all three boys and send them to college and all three were engineers, now that is a higher, if not impossible standard.

^^could barely read

[Anonymous]

Interesting how the OP asked for perspective and so many responses started from a place of criticism - you're too rich, over dramatic, know-it-all, self-centered.

Both of my ILs had died before I met my husband, but they each had many siblings who in turn had lots of children. Since this most of this large, extended family still lives in the area, I have a lot of opportunity to experience the IL phenomenon several times each year. This thread is a reminder to me that so much is based on trust - that is, no matter the actions or what's said, having the belief that the other person is coming from a good place. There are times when that's definitely not true, but in those cases you can only trust yourself to react in a way that doesn't further erode the relationship. Like the PP who allows FIL to spoil her daughter - it's something that requires trust in herself, her FIL and her daughter, and it seems to be paying off.

I'm also reminded that distrust is just as powerful and just as much a two-way street.

[Anonymous]

Your friend put her MIL on speaker so that you could listen to what MIL thought was a private conversation and then you both proceed to mock her, and you're wondering what the problems is????

[Anonymous]

She sounds aweful, OP. I'm sorry. I can't comment because I love my MIL. She's wonderful. My own mother, however...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend put her MIL on speaker so that you could listen to what MIL thought was a private conversation and then you both proceed to mock her, and you're wondering what the problems is????

Now there's a "higher standard" of behavior to model for your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend put her MIL on speaker so that you could listen to what MIL thought was a private conversation and then you both proceed to mock her, and you're wondering what the problems is????

True, but in my friend's defense, she was being screamed at by a 65-year old woman in a volume that was at the nth decibel. Yeah, she answered the phone -- she said that her MIL had _never_ once called her (always called her husband) and she was afraid it was an emergency. We both keep our phone's with us when we see each other -- we both have kids and demanding jobs. That's not unusual. Not answering a phone would have been very weird. She didn't put her on speaker phone right away -- only after she answered. And, by the way, afterward, my friend was in tears. That was not her fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend put her MIL on speaker so that you could listen to what MIL thought was a private conversation and then you both proceed to mock her, and you're wondering what the problems is????

Now there's a "higher standard" of behavior to model for your children.

I never said higher standard. I said current standard. Very different. If we are supposed to accept the last generation's standards, half the vaccines wouldn't be given, car seats would be used, seatbelts would be optional, and smoking in front of children would be fine. I think it's fine that I want my children to be raised with the current standards for child rearing.

[Anonymous]

I should say -- now that I do kind-of understand my MIL, I don't know how to begin to make things normal between us. They are definitely not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As you grow older, OP, you will realize that all these things that irritate your about your MIL are easily avoided and not worth fighting and thinking about. Read what you wrote and you will see that drama is mutual. You two are feeding off each other. So, just don't answer several phone calls, stop insisting that you are raising your kids to a "higher standard," disappear when dishes are to be done. Don't go on several trips, let you DH and kids go on their own. Let her baby your husband on those few occasions, what harm is there? You are criticizing her so much, and truly it doesn't seem bad at all. But, it is good that you are venting. Is she foreign? Or Italian or Jewish American? It kind of sounds like it. So, my advice, from knowing I am the favorite DIL, just avoid, and nod and let it go. Oh, and parents do play favorites with their own children all the time.

If I made the effort to drive to my MIL's house with my family and she had me washing dishes like Cinderella while DH relaxed, that would be a huge problem.

I don't even know what to say to this.

DH would also know that he'd better step in otherwise it would be the last visit for a long time. I don't think it's healthy for children to see their mother disrespected like that. Nobody has to like their DILs, but at a minimum you have to treat each other with respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because my DIL came into the picture and suddenly I see very little of my son. She's disrespectful(once called me a deadbeat grandma) and expects my son to wait on her hand and foot.

That's your son's fault, not your DIL's fault. He is an adult and can see whomever he pleases. If he lets his wife prevent him from seeing his own mother, that's on him.

Some natural separation occurs once an adult gets into a serious relationship, and especially once they have kids of their own... both sides of the family to spend time with... etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because my DIL came into the picture and suddenly I see very little of my son. She's disrespectful(once called me a deadbeat grandma) and expects my son to wait on her hand and foot.

That's your son's fault, not your DIL's fault. He is an adult and can see whomever he pleases. If he lets his wife prevent him from seeing his own mother, that's on him.

Some natural separation occurs once an adult gets into a serious relationship, and especially once they have kids of their own... both sides of the family to spend time with... etc.

Maybe but as OP, I appreciated the perspective. I was trying to learn something and putting herself out there helped me so please don't bash her.

I also have the problem that all the MILs I know from church say they adore their DILs so I needed to enlist help of MILs who hate their DIL.

[Anonymous]

I also have the problem that all the MILs I know from church say they adore their DILs so I needed to enlist help of MILs who hate their DIL.

"Hate" is a very strong word. You might want to consider why you are using that term. Your topic heading asked about MILs that "don't like" their DILs. I don't think any of us "hate" our DILs. Are you projecting or feeling defensive, possibly?