MILs only -- and only if you do not like your DIL -- why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love my DIL. It's my daughter who drives me crazy. She expects me to constantly be there for her as a babysitter but would never put herself out to be present at a family gathering, even for an hour, unless there's something in it for her (someone visiting she wants to see or expected gifts on holidays).

Can you be my MIL!? We have the exact opposite problem with MIL. She is so caught up in her daughter's life - babysitting, cooking, laundry, etc., that she basically ignores her DS (my DH). She answers DH's calls with texts. She sent him a text on his first Father's Day - she did not even call! We beg her and FIL to visit us and their grandson, but they can never visit without SIL, niece and BIL and it is for the shortest period of time possible. When we visit, MIL is conveniently always working, cannot take a day off when we are in town because she uses all her vacation to go to SIL. If she is off work, she has plans with SIL and niece to shop, etc. It is pretty sad.

[Anonymous]

Future dIL lies. A couple of weeks ago she was helping me in the kitchen and going into great detail about a new promotion at work. DS walked into the room and she quickly changed the subject. A couple days later I was falking to Ds and said something about how it must be nice that Kate has more set hours with her promotion. He got quiet and said she hadn't received a promotion.

Lots of lies like that. She said she's going back to school at least 5 different semesters at this point. She has self esteem issues and that's where this all stems from. I don't dislike her, I just suspect that the marriage won't last. And I find it hard to get close to her because I never know what's the truth.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a conversational narcissist whose first wife is a full-blown narcissist. Is it any wonder that his sons are both extreme narcissists who, in turn, married women who are just like their MIL? The ex- makes darn sure that she is recognized nearly as much as the DILs own mother, but her 2nd husband and I are considered non-entities…unless a pet sitter is needed, or the thoroughly spoiled grandchildren (10th birthday…Hawaii or London) want to swim at the lake. The only time we hear from either DIL involves a brief email thanking us for the flowers my husband insists on sending for their birthdays. OUR birthdays and holidays, you ask? Not a peep.

[Anonymous]

Mine does not like me because I am rude and sarcastic. And she is not wrong-by her standards, very few people will pass the test. She was raised to be extremely nice all the time, and to smile even when someone stabs you. Compared to her, I am mean and sarcastic. She does not appreciate sarcasm in any form.

She will never say it though, because she is the least confrontational person in the world. It's too late to do anything about it. She loves me like a daughter and I love her, but we don't like each other. She does not like her wonderful daughter either( for similar reasons), so I am in good company

My mother is a lot like her, but she is used to us weirdos( all 4 of my siblings are very straightforward and sarcastic), so I understand my MIL.

[Anonymous]

My DIL has a serious anxiety disorder for which she refuses treatment. She expects that everyone will cater to her anxieties, and son pretty much does. That's his choice, but I worry for the children who are asked to shape themselves to her extreme requirements.

I certainly don't hate her, but her failure to get help diminishes my respect for her.

[Anonymous]

My dream DIL is a highly educated, high earning professional, doctor, lawyer, C suite, etc. Who has given us several healthy grandchildren.

My real DIL is an elementary school teacher who hasn't produced a grandchild and likely won't.

[Anonymous]

Are you Asian, OP?

[Anonymous]

Reading this with curiosity because while I know my MIL thinks I’m great for her son / knows I make him happy / we have a good life and loves me for that…I don’t feel like she and I click at all, and I hate that over 15 years in I really don’t feel like we have any sort of personal relationship ourselves. It’s ultimately fine, but not what I pictured. I would just say I assume she’s busy and has her own life but that is 10000% not it so I don’t get it. I think it’s mostly that she’s self-absorbed (?)

One thing I really dislike is that she seems to only call/text me to try to get me to hassle my husband about things (aka ‘I called (her son) twice this weekend, he still hasn’t called me back” “I have a question for him, please have him go on XYZ website and look at …”).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dream DIL is a highly educated, high earning professional, doctor, lawyer, C suite, etc. Who has given us several healthy grandchildren.

My real DIL is an elementary school teacher who hasn't produced a grandchild and likely won't.

Cannot tell if you’re joking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Certainly don't "hate" my DIL, but find her difficult to be around ever since she had a baby. She knows it all and I know nothing about child-rearing. I never interfere or make suggestions unless pointedly asked, and then get an eye-roll.

I did raise children, all seemingly well-adjusted adults, one of which is her husband, who she seems to like very much, so I must have done something right, lol.

To be fair, my MIL raised her children doing things that the AAP deems totally unsafe now. And my ex's mom did shit that makes me surprised her children survived into adulthood. I don't think you would find out that your DIL thinks you know nothing about child rearing unless you were telling her what to do, despite your post. My friend's MIL totally sabotaged her breastfeeding efforts and mine tried feeding my 5 month old a gummy bear.

Unsafe now, but safe then? I think this trend of newest "proper upbringing of kids" needs to stop. What AAP? I threw every book I bought about child raising away. Nothing worked with my kids. Kids grew up for centuries without car seats, eating God knows what, without Ferberizing... People listen to "authority" and how can you when this same authority made obesity and cholesterol and diabetes crisis in the US and in the world. Remember when they said fat is bad for you and added sugar to everything and now it turns out that sugar causes cholesterol and not so much the animal fat. Remember margarine? Should have stuck with butter and lard. It turned out for me, that the African(as in Africa) nanny knew more about kids and babies and how to raise them than I did. And all the pps here would consider her centuries behind their MIL's ways. When I couldn't get my kids to eat, she showed me how to feed them with fingers, how to make them real food of rice and ground beef when they refused US baby food. Showed me how to carry them, so they will sleep and not fuss. People need to be open minded about all the issues. We accept gender changes, same sex marriages, groper running for President, etc. but we can't accept MILs for who they are and realize that there might be good intentions behind their words and actions, but that generational gap causes the misunderstanding? All DIL's will very likely one day be MILs, try to treat your MILs like you want to be treated one day in the future. As for new moms, we all get a little bit insane when our first child is born. I remember swaddling and how midwife showed me how to swaddle my first born. I watched and thought I knew it all, but then had to ask my mom how to do it as all that I did, just came apart. She hasn't done it in over 27 years and came in and voila, did it perfectly the first time. I had to use cloth diapers for first baby as he got enormous rash from disposable ones(we later figured out which ones he can tolerate) and here comes my mom(I don't have a MIL, this is for examples for what older generations do know) and does it perfect again. Well, so much for me being Ms. Know it All. Turned out, I knew absolutely nothing and when books were no help at all, older mom and my kid's nanny in Africa knew it all. Please everybody, be open minded.

Lol

[Anonymous]

See the other thread where people don't think of in-laws as family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because my DIL came into the picture and suddenly I see very little of my son. She's disrespectful(once called me a deadbeat grandma) and expects my son to wait on her hand and foot.

How is that not your son’s fault? He has your address and phone number, right? If I told my husband not to call or see his mom, he’d laugh in my face, and he’s very mild-mannered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you grow older, OP, you will realize that all these things that irritate your about your MIL are easily avoided and not worth fighting and thinking about. Read what you wrote and you will see that drama is mutual. You two are feeding off each other. So, just don't answer several phone calls, stop insisting that you are raising your kids to a "higher standard," disappear when dishes are to be done. Don't go on several trips, let you DH and kids go on their own. Let her baby your husband on those few occasions, what harm is there? You are criticizing her so much, and truly it doesn't seem bad at all. But, it is good that you are venting. Is she foreign? Or Italian or Jewish American? It kind of sounds like it. So, my advice, from knowing I am the favorite DIL, just avoid, and nod and let it go. Oh, and parents do play favorites with their own children all the time.

If I made the effort to drive to my MIL's house with my family and she had me washing dishes like Cinderella while DH relaxed, that would be a huge problem.

I don't even know what to say to this.

DH would also know that he'd better step in otherwise it would be the last visit for a long time. I don't think it's healthy for children to see their mother disrespected like that. Nobody has to like their DILs, but at a minimum you have to treat each other with respect.

Here’s a thought: sit your arse down and don’t wash the dishes. Open your mouth and say to DH and to her, “How it’s not going to be is Jim relaxes while I do ‘women’s work’ in the kitchen. I’m happy to discuss all that needs to be done with cooking, cleaning and chores during our visit and do my share. Let’s get on the same page about this.”

Like, why would you do that during the visit and then “punish” her by never visiting again, vs. telling her straight up you weren’t going to act like a 1950s housewife from the get-go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because my DIL came into the picture and suddenly I see very little of my son. She's disrespectful(once called me a deadbeat grandma) and expects my son to wait on her hand and foot.

How is that not your son’s fault? He has your address and phone number, right? If I told my husband not to call or see his mom, he’d laugh in my face, and he’s very mild-mannered.

+1 in no way is that her fault, that’s between him and you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Certainly don't "hate" my DIL, but find her difficult to be around ever since she had a baby. She knows it all and I know nothing about child-rearing. I never interfere or make suggestions unless pointedly asked, and then get an eye-roll.

I did raise children, all seemingly well-adjusted adults, one of which is her husband, who she seems to like very much, so I must have done something right, lol.

To be fair, my MIL raised her children doing things that the AAP deems totally unsafe now. And my ex's mom did shit that makes me surprised her children survived into adulthood. I don't think you would find out that your DIL thinks you know nothing about child rearing unless you were telling her what to do, despite your post. My friend's MIL totally sabotaged her breastfeeding efforts and mine tried feeding my 5 month old a gummy bear.

Unsafe now, but safe then? I think this trend of newest "proper upbringing of kids" needs to stop. What AAP? I threw every book I bought about child raising away. Nothing worked with my kids. Kids grew up for centuries without car seats, eating God knows what, without Ferberizing... People listen to "authority" and how can you when this same authority made obesity and cholesterol and diabetes crisis in the US and in the world. Remember when they said fat is bad for you and added sugar to everything and now it turns out that sugar causes cholesterol and not so much the animal fat. Remember margarine? Should have stuck with butter and lard. It turned out for me, that the African(as in Africa) nanny knew more about kids and babies and how to raise them than I did. And all the pps here would consider her centuries behind their MIL's ways. When I couldn't get my kids to eat, she showed me how to feed them with fingers, how to make them real food of rice and ground beef when they refused US baby food. Showed me how to carry them, so they will sleep and not fuss. People need to be open minded about all the issues. We accept gender changes, same sex marriages, groper running for President, etc. but we can't accept MILs for who they are and realize that there might be good intentions behind their words and actions, but that generational gap causes the misunderstanding? All DIL's will very likely one day be MILs, try to treat your MILs like you want to be treated one day in the future. As for new moms, we all get a little bit insane when our first child is born. I remember swaddling and how midwife showed me how to swaddle my first born. I watched and thought I knew it all, but then had to ask my mom how to do it as all that I did, just came apart. She hasn't done it in over 27 years and came in and voila, did it perfectly the first time. I had to use cloth diapers for first baby as he got enormous rash from disposable ones(we later figured out which ones he can tolerate) and here comes my mom(I don't have a MIL, this is for examples for what older generations do know) and does it perfect again. Well, so much for me being Ms. Know it All. Turned out, I knew absolutely nothing and when books were no help at all, older mom and my kid's nanny in Africa knew it all. Please everybody, be open minded.

True...because cars are only 130 years old.