MILs only -- and only if you do not like your DIL -- why?

[Anonymous]

MIL and I are very different - probably considered opposites in most ways. I am from a different background (both ethnicity and how/where I was raised), and she is not too keen on that. Apparently, we are all supposed to be like her?

Which wouldn't be so bad, if she wasn't so mean spirited. She is not a happy person, and DH will forever be trying to please her and his family, because it is never enough. I suppose I should be grateful to them for being who they are, because it drove DH to try harder, in general.

When I try to think of something nice to say about MIL, I seem to quickly remember all the nasty things she has said to me, unsolicited, at the worst times. She was old enough to know better (we married young and penniless), yet she either had dementia since an early age, or she is just a terribly mean spirited person. Plus, it is all about her.

Yet, I know she can be kind and generous, just not with us - only with her daughter, who is identical in each and every way. DH's brothers never married. I am certain a psychologist would have a field day with those pieces of information.

If she were simply more pleasant, with a kinder demeanor - well, it shows me how not to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is O.K but I do believe that my son has become less fun and free spirited since having married her. They are always busy with work and kids and it seems like he’s never having any fun. I think he would be happier if he had married someone more carefree.

Hahahaha. Unless your hope was for him to never get married or have children, this was likely inevitable. Sounds like you should be proud he is acting like an adult

Of course I’m glad he is responsible but she has made him grumpy. I even offer to watch the kids so they can go on dates but scheduling anything with them is impossible.

She has made him grumpy? LOL. How about life makes people grumpier once they have work, kids and a spouse. You sound pretty darn grumpy yourself! And here’s a hint why “scheduling anything with them is impossible”: they don’t want to schedule things with you. And yes, that includes your son. He has your phone number and your address—if he’s not scheduling with you, He’s Just Not That Into You.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL and I are very different - probably considered opposites in most ways. I am from a different background (both ethnicity and how/where I was raised), and she is not too keen on that. Apparently, we are all supposed to be like her?

Which wouldn't be so bad, if she wasn't so mean spirited. She is not a happy person, and DH will forever be trying to please her and his family, because it is never enough. I suppose I should be grateful to them for being who they are, because it drove DH to try harder, in general.

When I try to think of something nice to say about MIL, I seem to quickly remember all the nasty things she has said to me, unsolicited, at the worst times. She was old enough to know better (we married young and penniless), yet she either had dementia since an early age, or she is just a terribly mean spirited person. Plus, it is all about her.

Yet, I know she can be kind and generous, just not with us - only with her daughter, who is identical in each and every way. DH's brothers never married. I am certain a psychologist would have a field day with those pieces of information.

If she were simply more pleasant, with a kinder demeanor - well, it shows me how not to be.

PP here. DH and my marriage is very different than hers - so I am thinking that has something to do with her um, disposition.

[Anonymous]

I only read the last couple pages of comments but was not at all surprised to see that this thread devolved from it's original question which was why MILs don't like their DILs ("MILs only") into a bunch of comments by DILs about why they don't like or get along with their MILs. Not at all surprised.

Many DILs on DCUM like to think that any conflict or bad feelings between them and their MIL has to be MIL's fault, but that is not the case at all. At least some DILs just might want to think about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only read the last couple pages of comments but was not at all surprised to see that this thread devolved from it's original question which was why MILs don't like their DILs ("MILs only") into a bunch of comments by DILs about why they don't like or get along with their MILs. Not at all surprised.

Many DILs on DCUM like to think that any conflict or bad feelings between them and their MIL has to be MIL's fault, but that is not the case at all. At least some DILs just might want to think about that.

what might be some examples?

[Anonymous]

My MIL is sweet, but I don’t think she likes me that much. We are very different and have little in common. She would probably say that I don’t try hard enough to engage with her. I should try harder but all our conversations are just a monologue of her minor complaints and annoyances

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is sweet, but I don’t think she likes me that much. We are very different and have little in common. She would probably say that I don’t try hard enough to engage with her. I should try harder but all our conversations are just a monologue of her minor complaints and annoyances

This sums up my dynamic with my MIL EXACTLY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL does not hate me, but dislikes/disapproves of me and is very open about the reasons why (directly to me, to DH etc). I’m not a member od their religion, our kids are not being raised in ILs religion, and I’m a Democrat. We also live a plane ride away (due to DHs job). MIL gets along fine with her other DILs (who meet her requirements). DH and I have been married almost 20yrs. For MIL, I think she is disappointed in the way her son turned out (values beliefs etc) and blames that on me, fairly or not.

Same with me except in reverse, I'm Republican. Both my ILs feel I "brainwashed" their son away from his working-class roots. Who thinks so little of their son that he would mold his opinions simply to match his wife's?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As you grow older, OP, you will realize that all these things that irritate your about your MIL are easily avoided and not worth fighting and thinking about. Read what you wrote and you will see that drama is mutual. You two are feeding off each other. So, just don't answer several phone calls, stop insisting that you are raising your kids to a "higher standard," disappear when dishes are to be done. Don't go on several trips, let you DH and kids go on their own. Let her baby your husband on those few occasions, what harm is there? You are criticizing her so much, and truly it doesn't seem bad at all. But, it is good that you are venting. Is she foreign? Or Italian or Jewish American? It kind of sounds like it. So, my advice, from knowing I am the favorite DIL, just avoid, and nod and let it go. Oh, and parents do play favorites with their own children all the time.

This doesn’t work when the MIL is insisting on the wife waiting on her son. If I was stuck doing dishes at my ILs while my DH relaxed that would piss me off. The part that you’re missing is that when couples have limited free time, asking the wife to suck it up and be a servant for a weekend is asking a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend has an option of not answering the phone while she is out having lunch with you, right? Plus, that would have been the polite thing to do. Unless it is an emergency I don't answer my phone when my friends have made time to see me in person and are right there in front of me. But, some good came out of it as it prompted you to post here, and hopefully get some perspective. I also need to tell you to get off your high horse, you aren't raising your kids to a higher standard. My grandmother, who would barely read, and had three boys right before WWII in occupied poor country in Europe, and then had a DH in a concentration camp, and managed to raise all three boys and send them to college and all three were engineers, now that is a higher, if not impossible standard.

You don’t “need to tell her” anything. Dismount from your own high horse, sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend put her MIL on speaker so that you could listen to what MIL thought was a private conversation and then you both proceed to mock her, and you're wondering what the problems is????

The “conversation” was asinine. It was only lunchtime and she’s too damn old to throw temper tantrums about “OMG my biiiirthdaaaaay.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how women put up with this stuff from their MIL's. Just put your foot down and refuse to engage.

You also don't understand that majority of "this stuff" is not stuff at all, but imaginary slights and insanity of DILs. Since when is it wrong for a mother to wants to see her son and grandkids?

Found the terrible MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL here. Your points are some of the same things we complained about with OUR MILs! And the generations before us, and so on and so on. So I don't think that dynamic is ever going to change.

One thing that I have learned over the years, is that I don't think my MIL was being as critical of me as I thought she was. And I wish I had good-naturedly embraced her fixing his favorite foods, indulged it even. We call them "comfort foods" now. She called it "love".

Dietary and nutritional guidelines and recommendations change over the years as well. You can listen to and not act upon her recommendations. A nice vague response could be "that's interesting point, I'll ask the pediatrician about that".

No child is going to be ruined or scarred for life by allowing an occasional grandparent treat or indiscretion, dietary, or bedtime, or tooth brushing, or otherwise. Kids are waaay to smart for that one.

This may seem like capitulation and work on your part, but it's not really. You both love your husband and the children so make a jumping off point.

And BTW, the spoiled-by-the-husband wife of my generation is largely an urban myth. Only know of two of them and neither one is me!

This is a wonderful response. I completely agree. I don't understand why so many DIL's can't just listen to and briefly go along with the MIL just to keep the pease and indulge her. Hey, maybe you might even end up liking some suggestions. Maybe MIL doesn't have the best bedside manner sometimes (my own mom doesn't), but most things come from a place of caring and wanting to be included or help. Why is it so terribly difficult to indulge the MIL and not immediately rebuff her? Be the bigger person.

Why can’t the MIL just indulge the DIL? Be the bigger person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Certainly don't "hate" my DIL, but find her difficult to be around ever since she had a baby. She knows it all and I know nothing about child-rearing. I never interfere or make suggestions unless pointedly asked, and then get an eye-roll.

I did raise children, all seemingly well-adjusted adults, one of which is her husband, who she seems to like very much, so I must have done something right, lol.

To be fair, my MIL raised her children doing things that the AAP deems totally unsafe now. And my ex's mom did shit that makes me surprised her children survived into adulthood. I don't think you would find out that your DIL thinks you know nothing about child rearing unless you were telling her what to do, despite your post. My friend's MIL totally sabotaged her breastfeeding efforts and mine tried feeding my 5 month old a gummy bear.

Unsafe now, but safe then? I think this trend of newest "proper upbringing of kids" needs to stop. What AAP? I threw every book I bought about child raising away. Nothing worked with my kids. Kids grew up for centuries without car seats, eating God knows what, without Ferberizing... People listen to "authority" and how can you when this same authority made obesity and cholesterol and diabetes crisis in the US and in the world. Remember when they said fat is bad for you and added sugar to everything and now it turns out that sugar causes cholesterol and not so much the animal fat. Remember margarine? Should have stuck with butter and lard. It turned out for me, that the African(as in Africa) nanny knew more about kids and babies and how to raise them than I did. And all the pps here would consider her centuries behind their MIL's ways. When I couldn't get my kids to eat, she showed me how to feed them with fingers, how to make them real food of rice and ground beef when they refused US baby food. Showed me how to carry them, so they will sleep and not fuss. People need to be open minded about all the issues. We accept gender changes, same sex marriages, groper running for President, etc. but we can't accept MILs for who they are and realize that there might be good intentions behind their words and actions, but that generational gap causes the misunderstanding? All DIL's will very likely one day be MILs, try to treat your MILs like you want to be treated one day in the future. As for new moms, we all get a little bit insane when our first child is born. I remember swaddling and how midwife showed me how to swaddle my first born. I watched and thought I knew it all, but then had to ask my mom how to do it as all that I did, just came apart. She hasn't done it in over 27 years and came in and voila, did it perfectly the first time. I had to use cloth diapers for first baby as he got enormous rash from disposable ones(we later figured out which ones he can tolerate) and here comes my mom(I don't have a MIL, this is for examples for what older generations do know) and does it perfect again. Well, so much for me being Ms. Know it All. Turned out, I knew absolutely nothing and when books were no help at all, older mom and my kid's nanny in Africa knew it all. Please everybody, be open minded.

You sound positively unhinged. Seek help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Certainly don't "hate" my DIL, but find her difficult to be around ever since she had a baby. She knows it all and I know nothing about child-rearing. I never interfere or make suggestions unless pointedly asked, and then get an eye-roll.

I did raise children, all seemingly well-adjusted adults, one of which is her husband, who she seems to like very much, so I must have done something right, lol.

To be fair, my MIL raised her children doing things that the AAP deems totally unsafe now. And my ex's mom did shit that makes me surprised her children survived into adulthood. I don't think you would find out that your DIL thinks you know nothing about child rearing unless you were telling her what to do, despite your post. My friend's MIL totally sabotaged her breastfeeding efforts and mine tried feeding my 5 month old a gummy bear.

Unsafe now, but safe then? I think this trend of newest "proper upbringing of kids" needs to stop. What AAP? I threw every book I bought about child raising away. Nothing worked with my kids. Kids grew up for centuries without car seats, eating God knows what, without Ferberizing... People listen to "authority" and how can you when this same authority made obesity and cholesterol and diabetes crisis in the US and in the world. Remember when they said fat is bad for you and added sugar to everything and now it turns out that sugar causes cholesterol and not so much the animal fat. Remember margarine? Should have stuck with butter and lard. It turned out for me, that the African(as in Africa) nanny knew more about kids and babies and how to raise them than I did. And all the pps here would consider her centuries behind their MIL's ways. When I couldn't get my kids to eat, she showed me how to feed them with fingers, how to make them real food of rice and ground beef when they refused US baby food. Showed me how to carry them, so they will sleep and not fuss. People need to be open minded about all the issues. We accept gender changes, same sex marriages, groper running for President, etc. but we can't accept MILs for who they are and realize that there might be good intentions behind their words and actions, but that generational gap causes the misunderstanding? All DIL's will very likely one day be MILs, try to treat your MILs like you want to be treated one day in the future. As for new moms, we all get a little bit insane when our first child is born. I remember swaddling and how midwife showed me how to swaddle my first born. I watched and thought I knew it all, but then had to ask my mom how to do it as all that I did, just came apart. She hasn't done it in over 27 years and came in and voila, did it perfectly the first time. I had to use cloth diapers for first baby as he got enormous rash from disposable ones(we later figured out which ones he can tolerate) and here comes my mom(I don't have a MIL, this is for examples for what older generations do know) and does it perfect again. Well, so much for me being Ms. Know it All. Turned out, I knew absolutely nothing and when books were no help at all, older mom and my kid's nanny in Africa knew it all. Please everybody, be open minded.

Uhmmm, you're kidding, right? You do realize the rate of death by car accident has gone way down with safety advances, no? You really want your grandkid rolling around in the back of the car? You ARE the nutty MIL! LOL!

And yes, I would say that smoking next to baby, feeding him corn syrup, and letting him play outside near the pool unattended are pretty much not okay.

p.s. What is up with your weird use of "Africa"?
Nutjob.

I think your coarse language and need for insults speaks clearly what kind of person you are. Your MIL must've been crying her eyes out when her son married you and ruined his life. I never mentioned car seats, and what kind of family are you exactly when there are smokers and corn syrups feeders around? I guess I know what background you come from, but am too polite to say it. My kids grew up in Africa, we lived in Africa, there is no weird use of Africa for me. I love it there, and always will. If job did't force me to be here, I would live there.

HAHAHA. Wow. You really are a crazy one.