MILs only -- and only if you do not like your DIL -- why?
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Anonymous
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All my friends are married and not one of them has what I would call a "good relationship" with her MIL.
One friend's MIL called her and screamed at her for a good 5 minutes (I was there & it was on speaker phone) that her son hadn't called yet for MIL's birthday (and the birthday wasn't over yet, and they were going to call together when the kids were home from school -- plus how is that my friend's fault?). All of our MILs have gotten upset at least one year because their son was spending Mother's Day with his wife (and mother of his children) instead of his own mother -- and only one of our MIL's live close enough for being with both would even be a possibility. My own MIL thought DH should fly to California on Friday, spend Mother's Day morning with her, and then fly back after breakfast to spend a late dinner with me. All our MIL have called us names -- sometimes out of "concern" that we were getting fat, but more than one MIL has insinuated that my working friends "married for money." My own MIL didn't allow me to attend the latest family event (SIL's wedding) because she "understood" that I would "rather be home caring for the kids." Since MIL paid for the wedding, it was definitely her call and SIL (who we have a good relationship with) really wanted DH in her wedding ceremony (he was a groomsman). So, DH went to the ceremony and skipped the reception, which was the best way he (and I) thought to navigate this path. My friends are beautiful, kind, successful, wonderful human beings. Yet, even my one friend who has the best "relationship" with her MIL (the only one who lives within driving distance of her MIL) is treated like an employee -- she is constantly driving her MIL to appointments and at her beck and call and is an unpaid worker. What are your reasons for hating for DIL? I don't even care if they are irrational or if she is a convicted felon -- I want to hear them all so I can try to understand better. I just had a son and I don't want to be my MIL when he marries in a gazillion years. I don't want to necessarily be her friend, but I want to accept her unconditionally. |
Anonymous
| Because my DIL came into the picture and suddenly I see very little of my son. She's disrespectful(once called me a deadbeat grandma) and expects my son to wait on her hand and foot. |
Anonymous
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Because she treats me as if I am stupid, incompetent, and completely clueless about parenting. None of my other DILs seem to feel this way. It makes me sad.
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Anonymous
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I don't like drama. I don't do drama.
I told each one, don't call, don't visit, don't involve me in your arguments. Now I live in peace. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you and your friends are rich. Sounds like rich people's problems rather than MIL, DIL problems. |
Anonymous
| Because I actually don't like anyone and I hate everyone that makes me feel old. As well, my empathy levels are practically zero and who gives a flying f**k about me anyway. |
Anonymous
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Since it sounds like DILs answering for their MILs here, I'll tell you what my MIL says about me:
"She controls my son and won't let him do anything for me. She's not Asian like we are, and a DIL from our culture would be waiting on me and doing everything I tell her to do. My son is weak and bad, and he is her slave. I want him to have a wife from our culture who will take care of me and let him do whatever he wants, because all men deserve to be waited on and allowed to have extra girlfriends. I want her to drive me around, give me money, wait on me, cook, clean, give me the master bedroom in the house I want us all to live in together, and do everything my way, with a silent smile of respect. And she must have a good job and she must not be so ugly and fat, which she wouldn't be if only she were Asian." |
Anonymous
| I don't know anyone who has these kinds of MIL problems. I know plenty of people who don't get along with their MIL, though most are polite. I don't know anyone in real life whose mother insists on a 1 day trip to Cali or a 5 minute screaming session or calling names. You are either exaggerating, not paying attention to the folks who don't talk about their MIL much, or need new friends. Most people don't have this drama! The conflict that I see are more along the lines of inlaws really want to see the kids for a holiday, but the parents don't want to travel, and people by and large end up working that kind of stuff out. |
Anonymous
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Certainly don't "hate" my DIL, but find her difficult to be around ever since she had a baby. She knows it all and I know nothing about child-rearing. I never interfere or make suggestions unless pointedly asked, and then get an eye-roll.
I did raise children, all seemingly well-adjusted adults, one of which is her husband, who she seems to like very much, so I must have done something right, lol. |
Anonymous
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OP -- I (and most of my friends) are upper middle class. Is this a rich problem? Are poorer MIL/DIL relationships better? That actually makes sense, because we can afford to say STFU and don't rely on our ILs for money, babysitting, or support. Maybe if we were a little more humble, things would be better.
The 5-minute phone call may have been exaggerating, but she called my friend while we were out to lunch and she put her on speaker phone. The woman wouldn't even stop to breathe, she was so mad "Before he met you, he never missed a birthday." It was lunchtime -- her birthday wasn't over yet. It was bizarre, but 100% true. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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OP again. I do think that there is a generational thing here. Our modern husbands don't have as much time for their mothers because they do help a lot more in the house. And, while they do not "wait" on us hand and foot, that probably is the perspective of our MILs, since my husband cooks dinner half the time, does the dishes half the time, does the laundry half the time, deals with the pets half the time.
I know I work, my DH works, and we both help out equally in the house and with the kids. Sometimes he's on a work trip, and I'm doing 100% and sometimes I'm on a work trip, and he's doing 100% but more or less, we do a great 50/50 split. DH used to visit his mom every month at least and probably call her 2-3 times a week before me. Well, we don't have a weekend every month anymore for ourselves, let alone for his mom -- the kids are in Sunday School every Sunday and Saturdays are soccer, birthday parties, and every once in a while, a little family time for a hike or a movie. When we do have time to visit his mom, she babies him and it's seriously disruptive for our marriage. She insists that he sits down while she puts me to "work" doing dishes. She stocks the fridge with pumpkin pie and cheap deli meats that he likes and then she talks about how I don't feed him enough and make him work too hard. So, now we visit her even less. When she visits, she complains that her son is doing too much work in the house and I'm not doing a good job "taking" care of him. So we invite her over less and less. I can see how the relationship has spiraled downhill because our generational gap created different expectations. I also think the same can be said about parenting. Yes, she did raise multiple children, all who are well-adjusted adults, but a lot of the stuff she did back then just isn't the current standards (like she insists that our toddler is "chubby" and should be drinking non-fat milk, but all the current research shows that fat is essential for brain development). She did raise my husband very well, but she doesn't seem to realize that this is my turn. And, she constantly compares me to her other DILs -- all of whom she says are better and nicer to her. So, that definitely pisses me off. It's like a game of favorites that parents would never play with their children, but with their DILs, they think that's okay. I am the most opinionated DIL, plus I'm the Democrat (they are all conservative), but I hate drama, too. It's weird -- from my side, it seems like MIL is causing all the drama, but now I see that from her side, I'm the one causing all it. What am I to do? The only thing that would make her happy is if I became a doormat, DH visited her and called her a lot and left me as a second choice, and I waited on DH hand and foot. Obviously, that ain't happening. I'm not leaving my husband and kids, so I guess we're at an impasse. I understand her a little better, though, now. |
Anonymous
| As you grow older, OP, you will realize that all these things that irritate your about your MIL are easily avoided and not worth fighting and thinking about. Read what you wrote and you will see that drama is mutual. You two are feeding off each other. So, just don't answer several phone calls, stop insisting that you are raising your kids to a "higher standard," disappear when dishes are to be done. Don't go on several trips, let you DH and kids go on their own. Let her baby your husband on those few occasions, what harm is there? You are criticizing her so much, and truly it doesn't seem bad at all. But, it is good that you are venting. Is she foreign? Or Italian or Jewish American? It kind of sounds like it. So, my advice, from knowing I am the favorite DIL, just avoid, and nod and let it go. Oh, and parents do play favorites with their own children all the time. |
Anonymous
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MIL here. Your points are some of the same things we complained about with OUR MILs! And the generations before us, and so on and so on. So I don't think that dynamic is ever going to change.
One thing that I have learned over the years, is that I don't think my MIL was being as critical of me as I thought she was. And I wish I had good-naturedly embraced her fixing his favorite foods, indulged it even. We call them "comfort foods" now. She called it "love". Dietary and nutritional guidelines and recommendations change over the years as well. You can listen to and not act upon her recommendations. A nice vague response could be "that's interesting point, I'll ask the pediatrician about that". No child is going to be ruined or scarred for life by allowing an occasional grandparent treat or indiscretion, dietary, or bedtime, or tooth brushing, or otherwise. Kids are waaay to smart for that one. This may seem like capitulation and work on your part, but it's not really. You both love your husband and the children so make a jumping off point. And BTW, the spoiled-by-the-husband wife of my generation is largely an urban myth. Only know of two of them and neither one is me! |
Anonymous
This is pretty good advice I think. Have you read the 'I stopped caring and it helped my marriage thread'? I think a similar principle would apply here. Your MIL is entitled to her opinions - stop letting them get to you. If you visit and she puts you to work, call your husband in to help, or discuss it in advance th him that you're not OK with that dynamic and out him on notice that you expect him to step up. Or just don't do the work. My MIL and I got along great, and thankfully we had less issues than y'all, but I know they found it funny some of the things I simply refused to engage in. Like the yard - it's a disaster but that's my husbands area so not my problem. If they called me with advice / names of folks I'd just punt it back to DH. If they called because they wanted to talk to me, great, but if it were really something or DH I'd punt the conversation back to him. Basically you can throw a ball at me, but that doesn't obligate me to catch it, and there are a lot of balls I'm willing to let go splat 
And I don't hold a grudge. Letting things go is definitely helpful in all interpersonal relationships. |