MILs only -- and only if you do not like your DIL -- why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because my DIL came into the picture and suddenly I see very little of my son. She's disrespectful(once called me a deadbeat grandma) and expects my son to wait on her hand and foot.

That's your son's fault, not your DIL's fault. He is an adult and can see whomever he pleases. If he lets his wife prevent him from seeing his own mother, that's on him.

Some natural separation occurs once an adult gets into a serious relationship, and especially once they have kids of their own... both sides of the family to spend time with... etc.

Maybe but as OP, I appreciated the perspective. I was trying to learn something and putting herself out there helped me so please don't bash her.

I also have the problem that all the MILs I know from church say they adore their DILs so I needed to enlist help of MILs who hate their DIL.

I wasn't bashing her at all. Just offering another perspective.

[Anonymous]

The way I see it, most of issues in regular, normal families(I am not talking insane people) between MIL and DIL come from insecurity of a younger DIL. While dating, she is the center of her future husband's attention, he is in pursuit, and it is all about her. And then wedding happens and you can't go on living like the world doesn't exist, like DH came out of nowhere and has no family and friends. Every outing to his side might be perceived as a slight to his new DW and there is a lack of perspective and insecurity of these women's sides. For a few first years in a marriage, women will get mad anytime her DH does something for somebody else, such as help him mom, friend, and not spend all his free time with them. You look forward to him giving you all his attention during the weekend and then MIL calls to say or ask for help. Now, he has been helping her for decades by that point and this is nothing new for her, but DW freaks out and perceives this as abandonment and a competition. It is a sign that he doesn't care for DW anymore. It is immature behavior and will disappear with time. And please, do not bash the MIL who answered, she presented her point of view, which is reality for her, and yet again DILs bashed her, but she is right, if she asked to see her son, DIL probably freaks out. I think men have somewhat healthier perspective on this, if DW says I am going to visit my parents, he usually says great, and find other things to do. How many DHs do you know who complain of MILs taking too much of their wive's time? I don't know a single one. I am writing from experience, I was once that needy, spend every minute with me wife and then I matured and grew up, really grew up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend put her MIL on speaker so that you could listen to what MIL thought was a private conversation and then you both proceed to mock her, and you're wondering what the problems is????

Now there's a "higher standard" of behavior to model for your children.

I never said higher standard. I said current standard. Very different. If we are supposed to accept the last generation's standards, half the vaccines wouldn't be given, car seats would be used, seatbelts would be optional, and smoking in front of children would be fine. I think it's fine that I want my children to be raised with the current standards for child rearing.

No kidding! While my MIL and I were still speaking, I got so tired of how "overprotective" I was to insist on my INFANTS riding in car seats. Evidently if your child survives to adulthood, you're an expert who can do no wrong, and everyone else is just silly, and it's personally offensive to you if people choose not to give their babies cow's milk at 3 months old while putting them to sleep face down on an adult mattress.

Now MIL communicates 100% with DH or DC's. Works much better this way.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how women put up with this stuff from their MIL's. Just put your foot down and refuse to engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how women put up with this stuff from their MIL's. Just put your foot down and refuse to engage.

You also don't understand that majority of "this stuff" is not stuff at all, but imaginary slights and insanity of DILs. Since when is it wrong for a mother to wants to see her son and grandkids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how women put up with this stuff from their MIL's. Just put your foot down and refuse to engage.

You also don't understand that majority of "this stuff" is not stuff at all, but imaginary slights and insanity of DILs. Since when is it wrong for a mother to wants to see her son and grandkids?

Let me go ahead and take a wild guess that you are a nightmare of a MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way I see it, most of issues in regular, normal families(I am not talking insane people) between MIL and DIL come from insecurity of a younger DIL. While dating, she is the center of her future husband's attention, he is in pursuit, and it is all about her. And then wedding happens and you can't go on living like the world doesn't exist, like DH came out of nowhere and has no family and friends. Every outing to his side might be perceived as a slight to his new DW and there is a lack of perspective and insecurity of these women's sides. For a few first years in a marriage, women will get mad anytime her DH does something for somebody else, such as help him mom, friend, and not spend all his free time with them. You look forward to him giving you all his attention during the weekend and then MIL calls to say or ask for help. Now, he has been helping her for decades by that point and this is nothing new for her, but DW freaks out and perceives this as abandonment and a competition. It is a sign that he doesn't care for DW anymore. It is immature behavior and will disappear with time. And please, do not bash the MIL who answered, she presented her point of view, which is reality for her, and yet again DILs bashed her, but she is right, if she asked to see her son, DIL probably freaks out. I think men have somewhat healthier perspective on this, if DW says I am going to visit my parents, he usually says great, and find other things to do. How many DHs do you know who complain of MILs taking too much of their wive's time? I don't know a single one. I am writing from experience, I was once that needy, spend every minute with me wife and then I matured and grew up, really grew up.

Holy projection! I never saw this kind of thing from anyone "normal," as you call them. It's either a wife who is both selfish and pathologically insecure, or an insanely possessive and needy mother of a mama's boy trying to keep the umbilical cord nice and tight that cause these kinds of issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how women put up with this stuff from their MIL's. Just put your foot down and refuse to engage.

You also don't understand that majority of "this stuff" is not stuff at all, but imaginary slights and insanity of DILs. Since when is it wrong for a mother to wants to see her son and grandkids?

Let me go ahead and take a wild guess that you are a nightmare of a MIL.

Nope, not a MIL at all. Not yet, had the best MIL ever, my own mother is a what you call a nightmare(you can't possibly imagine) and even with her, I forgive and forget. You and other pp's show poor judgement and nothing but spoiled and jealous behavior. What is OP's biggest complaint, that her MIL puts her to do the dishes? That she buys cheap deli cuts that her son enjoyed as a child, that parenting is better today than before? Shouldn't she and her DH offer to do the dishes when they are guests at MIL's house? Now, her friend with a screaming MIL might have something to complain about, but since she put her on speaker and made fun of her, I would say the two of them deserve each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way I see it, most of issues in regular, normal families(I am not talking insane people) between MIL and DIL come from insecurity of a younger DIL. While dating, she is the center of her future husband's attention, he is in pursuit, and it is all about her. And then wedding happens and you can't go on living like the world doesn't exist, like DH came out of nowhere and has no family and friends. Every outing to his side might be perceived as a slight to his new DW and there is a lack of perspective and insecurity of these women's sides. For a few first years in a marriage, women will get mad anytime her DH does something for somebody else, such as help him mom, friend, and not spend all his free time with them. You look forward to him giving you all his attention during the weekend and then MIL calls to say or ask for help. Now, he has been helping her for decades by that point and this is nothing new for her, but DW freaks out and perceives this as abandonment and a competition. It is a sign that he doesn't care for DW anymore. It is immature behavior and will disappear with time. And please, do not bash the MIL who answered, she presented her point of view, which is reality for her, and yet again DILs bashed her, but she is right, if she asked to see her son, DIL probably freaks out. I think men have somewhat healthier perspective on this, if DW says I am going to visit my parents, he usually says great, and find other things to do. How many DHs do you know who complain of MILs taking too much of their wive's time? I don't know a single one. I am writing from experience, I was once that needy, spend every minute with me wife and then I matured and grew up, really grew up.

Holy projection! I never saw this kind of thing from anyone "normal," as you call them. It's either a wife who is both selfish and pathologically insecure, or an insanely possessive and needy mother of a mama's boy trying to keep the umbilical cord nice and tight that cause these kinds of issues.

I speak the truth. You know it, I know it, the whole world knows it. That is why we don't have any MILs posting here, I am not a MIL either. They are older and wiser. Where are these MILs? I know plenty of them who do know how to post and use the internet. The attitude that older women are dinosaurs and since they couldn't do you a favor and be extinct, you will do whatever it takes to discredit them. Nothing new here, every new generation does the same thing, in order to show that they are grown up, bash on the older generation. OMG, what a MIL witch, she got her son cheap deli meat!

[Anonymous]

Calm down. I am PP and I am a MIL. You sound like you might need professional help. Please consider it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds aweful, OP. I'm sorry. I can't comment because I love my MIL. She's wonderful. My own mother, however...

+1000, on each thing you said.

I don't really get these problems. I also wouldn't have married a man who didn't have his own personal identity and boundaries with his mom. I actively encourage my DH and his mom to keep bonding, and I don't feel threatened by it whatsoever. Because he is a great son but not a mamma's boy.

[Anonymous]

I am a MIL. my DIL, for reasons unknown to me, has chosen unkindness towards me.

I am a youngish MIL, 45 and still raising children-youngest is 1! And I work full time. So I am not at all overinvolved. They live several hours away. She is from an area near there.

I only met her a few brief times before they married, and at the time hoped for the best. The first holidays right after they married ( my baby was newborn at the time), they were still in student housing and would be moving again, so for Christmas I got her a gift card to a pet supply place, because they had a pet reptile that she seemed to love and had mentioned that it would grow and need a new living habitat. I drove several towns away to a store of the same chain, with my newborn, to buy the gift card. So I did think out this gift. For DS I got a card to Old Navy, he needed some casual clothes.

So Christmas Day comes, they were where they live and I had mailed them their wrapped presents. I promptly get a call from my son, questioning why I had gotten that card for his wife? I was like ??? supposedly she was offended that I got a card for the pet...it wasn't for the pet but for the wife who supposedly loved the pet and buying fun stuff for it! He actually told me she was offended. I was speechless.

I raised my DS better than that-my own mil has some mental issues and has given many an odd, inapproipriate gift and we always had the kids thank her and handwrite thankyou notes! Even if she truly thoght the gift was weird, why say anything about it? And the fact that DS made the call...I knew then that it wasn't going to be ok.

And it hasn't been, despite efforts for some time, but I have achieved peace through no contact on my part. Dh and I have also decided that our baby will not have contact with them at this time due to the fact that we feel she is unkind and our dd is not talking yet-she can't speak up if wife hurts her. My minor children are my first priority. I have peace with this-I just don't care much.

[Anonymous]

A gift card for lizard supplies is actually kind of a risky gift, because a lot of people seem to expect more personal gifts. Did you talk to your DIL and tell her your heart was in the right place and that you had sincerely thought she'd like it, and that you were so sorry how things had turned out? At that point, if she had seen your intentions were good, but you really didn't know her that well yet, so your gift choice hadbackfired, it should have turned into something that both of you could have been understanding about.

How it devolved into you not speaking to her and believing she'll hurt your younger children if she's near them sounds like a descent into crazyland, though.

[Anonymous]

Op, most people aren't even like you. They don't use "hate" or other extreme words. And most MILs would not think this intensely about the relationship. They probably miss their son or daughter and to some degree grasp for straws to stay relevant in their lives. The extra person, DIL, changes the drastically changes the family dynamic and as people age change is more difficult to get use to.

I think one of the best ways to have a good relationship w/MIL is to encourage the adult child to spend some time with them, just the two of them - go out to lunch, bring the grandchildren over.

[Anonymous]

My MIL doesn't like me because it means she doesn't see her son and grandkids as often as she would like. We don't and will never live near here. I'm not Christian and my children are not being raised in any religion. I have no interest in spending Christmas with her because at this point we outnumber them and they spend the whole time at church anyway (FIL is a deacon).