Wife having mid-life crisis and not sure how to respond

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say this but if she's this bad off, she probably needs to go through the process of having an affair, waking up and realizing that trying to find personal happiness in others will never work, discovering that her marriage and family mean something to her, being newly grateful for said marriage, finding a vocation in volunteering or yoga which eventually leads to paid employment.

It's a cliche for a reason OP. If you love her, I'd recommend looking the other way while this goes on. You'll be better off when you're on the other side.

"Look the other way" and keep loving her while she gives you the ultimate demonstration of contempt. Yeah, right. Forget that shit. If she tries that, she will wake up on the other side without a husband and with kids who hate her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
A lot of people won't or can't learn except through their own experience. We can tell her till she's blue in the face that an affair won't help BUT that's not going to stop most women in this position. She's insecure and hurting and probably feeling her mortality in a real way for the first time. The passion and excitement of a new affair will feel like it's reviving her and make her feel young again. That's why people do it. That's why it's a cliche! Affairs do make things worse but they also have a way of clearing the decks and making you seeing reality clearly again. If a couple can hold on through the worst of it, their marriages typically emerge even stronger than before.

A cheating spouse should make you see this reality: they do not love you or respect you, and you should get them out of your life pronto.

Yes, an affair should clear the decks... of the person who cheated on you.

[Anonymous]

PP who suggested affair is an open marriage proponent. This is not a solution for anyone but a few of weirdos, so please move to some other thread.

[Anonymous]

I'm loving this thread because it is helpful for me to see the exact pattern of what happened in my own life being cleared of the layers of extra issues we have, and get down to some of the basics.

It is hard for mothers to come to the end of childbearing years ... I think we have hormonal shifts, physical shifts, emotional shifts and we are so deeply taken for granted by our families that it isn't even funny. No, she shouldn't be taking you for granted, either. It is hard to remember that when you are in the weeds and your husband smells like garlic and you kind of hate him. Maybe up your game, too?

I went the affair route, and while I can't say we are 100% out of the mess and onto the other side, we are getting there. We are both stronger and weaker than before. If you can get out the resentments and discontent, and insecurities and hurt and anger BEFORE and affair, that is better, I'm sure. But, the affair aired everything. Everything that had been swept under the rug before. We never would have lifted up the rug to see what was under there if I hadn't gone off the rails. I think I'm still a little off, but I do see it now, where I didn't even know what was going on before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm loving this thread because it is helpful for me to see the exact pattern of what happened in my own life being cleared of the layers of extra issues we have, and get down to some of the basics.

It is hard for mothers to come to the end of childbearing years ... I think we have hormonal shifts, physical shifts, emotional shifts and we are so deeply taken for granted by our families that it isn't even funny. No, she shouldn't be taking you for granted, either. It is hard to remember that when you are in the weeds and your husband smells like garlic and you kind of hate him. Maybe up your game, too?

I went the affair route, and while I can't say we are 100% out of the mess and onto the other side, we are getting there. We are both stronger and weaker than before. If you can get out the resentments and discontent, and insecurities and hurt and anger BEFORE and affair, that is better, I'm sure. But, the affair aired everything. Everything that had been swept under the rug before. We never would have lifted up the rug to see what was under there if I hadn't gone off the rails. I think I'm still a little off, but I do see it now, where I didn't even know what was going on before.

You built quite a rationalization around your affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm loving this thread because it is helpful for me to see the exact pattern of what happened in my own life being cleared of the layers of extra issues we have, and get down to some of the basics.

It is hard for mothers to come to the end of childbearing years ... I think we have hormonal shifts, physical shifts, emotional shifts and we are so deeply taken for granted by our families that it isn't even funny. No, she shouldn't be taking you for granted, either. It is hard to remember that when you are in the weeds and your husband smells like garlic and you kind of hate him. Maybe up your game, too?

I went the affair route, and while I can't say we are 100% out of the mess and onto the other side, we are getting there. We are both stronger and weaker than before. If you can get out the resentments and discontent, and insecurities and hurt and anger BEFORE and affair, that is better, I'm sure. But, the affair aired everything. Everything that had been swept under the rug before. We never would have lifted up the rug to see what was under there if I hadn't gone off the rails. I think I'm still a little off, but I do see it now, where I didn't even know what was going on before.

What could your husband have done before the affair to keep you from having one? Serious question. I am one of those who understand the long road of monogamy and it isn't easy, so I am not being judgmental, just genuinely curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm loving this thread because it is helpful for me to see the exact pattern of what happened in my own life being cleared of the layers of extra issues we have, and get down to some of the basics.

It is hard for mothers to come to the end of childbearing years ... I think we have hormonal shifts, physical shifts, emotional shifts and we are so deeply taken for granted by our families that it isn't even funny. No, she shouldn't be taking you for granted, either. It is hard to remember that when you are in the weeds and your husband smells like garlic and you kind of hate him. Maybe up your game, too?

I went the affair route, and while I can't say we are 100% out of the mess and onto the other side, we are getting there. We are both stronger and weaker than before. If you can get out the resentments and discontent, and insecurities and hurt and anger BEFORE and affair, that is better, I'm sure. But, the affair aired everything. Everything that had been swept under the rug before. We never would have lifted up the rug to see what was under there if I hadn't gone off the rails. I think I'm still a little off, but I do see it now, where I didn't even know what was going on before.

You built quite a rationalization around your affair.

Yes, the bolded makes it seems as though your husband should be grateful to you for having the affair...like it was an act of heroism on your part. No, if you two are still together it is because your *husband* as decided to roll up his sleeves and make this work with you. Be grateful for HIM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm loving this thread because it is helpful for me to see the exact pattern of what happened in my own life being cleared of the layers of extra issues we have, and get down to some of the basics.

It is hard for mothers to come to the end of childbearing years ... I think we have hormonal shifts, physical shifts, emotional shifts and we are so deeply taken for granted by our families that it isn't even funny. No, she shouldn't be taking you for granted, either. It is hard to remember that when you are in the weeds and your husband smells like garlic and you kind of hate him. Maybe up your game, too?

I went the affair route, and while I can't say we are 100% out of the mess and onto the other side, we are getting there. We are both stronger and weaker than before. If you can get out the resentments and discontent, and insecurities and hurt and anger BEFORE and affair, that is better, I'm sure. But, the affair aired everything. Everything that had been swept under the rug before. We never would have lifted up the rug to see what was under there if I hadn't gone off the rails. I think I'm still a little off, but I do see it now, where I didn't even know what was going on before.

You built quite a rationalization around your affair.

Yes, the bolded makes it seems as though your husband should be grateful to you for having the affair...like it was an act of heroism on your part. No, if you two are still together it is because your *husband* as decided to roll up his sleeves and make this work with you. Be grateful for HIM.

Yeah... Apparently this affair has nothing to do with wanting sex with another person. It was all about addressing issues that were long overdue... A sort of marriage therapy really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I try to keep it going at home, but her response is "you are supposed to find me attractive and say nice things, you are my husband." And yes, she is probably ripe for some mid-life affair, which would be nice to avoid, obviously.

What did you think of a PP's idea to create the conditions of a new affair with her? To revive your relationship and get her over this transition. Whisk her away for adult only weekends, go out on dates more often (at least once a week), shower her with gifts like you would someone you were courting, do the things SHE wants to do, have drunk vacation sex, etc. I personally liked that idea, I wish my husband was posting on here and got that advice, lol.

The fact that she's so dismissive of her husband's compliments as something he has to do suggests that the kind of validation she's seeking can't come from him. Which probably means that she'd blow him off if he tried to create the conditions of an affair with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm loving this thread because it is helpful for me to see the exact pattern of what happened in my own life being cleared of the layers of extra issues we have, and get down to some of the basics.

It is hard for mothers to come to the end of childbearing years ... I think we have hormonal shifts, physical shifts, emotional shifts and we are so deeply taken for granted by our families that it isn't even funny. No, she shouldn't be taking you for granted, either. It is hard to remember that when you are in the weeds and your husband smells like garlic and you kind of hate him. Maybe up your game, too?

I went the affair route, and while I can't say we are 100% out of the mess and onto the other side, we are getting there. We are both stronger and weaker than before. If you can get out the resentments and discontent, and insecurities and hurt and anger BEFORE and affair, that is better, I'm sure. But, the affair aired everything. Everything that had been swept under the rug before. We never would have lifted up the rug to see what was under there if I hadn't gone off the rails. I think I'm still a little off, but I do see it now, where I didn't even know what was going on before.

You built quite a rationalization around your affair.

+ a million

I'm a mother of four, but I have a career. I'm too busy for a midlife crisis or an affair.

Taken for granted? Why not use your big girl voice and address such issues head on? You were selfish to have an affair, and you are the only person to blame. Own it, and maybe people would respect you. Continue to play the victim, and everyone will write you off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm loving this thread because it is helpful for me to see the exact pattern of what happened in my own life being cleared of the layers of extra issues we have, and get down to some of the basics.

It is hard for mothers to come to the end of childbearing years ... I think we have hormonal shifts, physical shifts, emotional shifts and we are so deeply taken for granted by our families that it isn't even funny. No, she shouldn't be taking you for granted, either. It is hard to remember that when you are in the weeds and your husband smells like garlic and you kind of hate him. Maybe up your game, too?

I went the affair route, and while I can't say we are 100% out of the mess and onto the other side, we are getting there. We are both stronger and weaker than before. If you can get out the resentments and discontent, and insecurities and hurt and anger BEFORE and affair, that is better, I'm sure. But, the affair aired everything. Everything that had been swept under the rug before. We never would have lifted up the rug to see what was under there if I hadn't gone off the rails. I think I'm still a little off, but I do see it now, where I didn't even know what was going on before.

k am really curious to know if your husband bought into his affair as a journey in self-discovery crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm loving this thread because it is helpful for me to see the exact pattern of what happened in my own life being cleared of the layers of extra issues we have, and get down to some of the basics.

It is hard for mothers to come to the end of childbearing years ... I think we have hormonal shifts, physical shifts, emotional shifts and we are so deeply taken for granted by our families that it isn't even funny. No, she shouldn't be taking you for granted, either. It is hard to remember that when you are in the weeds and your husband smells like garlic and you kind of hate him. Maybe up your game, too?

I went the affair route, and while I can't say we are 100% out of the mess and onto the other side, we are getting there. We are both stronger and weaker than before. If you can get out the resentments and discontent, and insecurities and hurt and anger BEFORE and affair, that is better, I'm sure. But, the affair aired everything. Everything that had been swept under the rug before. We never would have lifted up the rug to see what was under there if I hadn't gone off the rails. I think I'm still a little off, but I do see it now, where I didn't even know what was going on before.

You built quite a rationalization around your affair.

+ a million

I'm a mother of four, but I have a career. I'm too busy for a midlife crisis or an affair.

Taken for granted? Why not use your big girl voice and address such issues head on? You were selfish to have an affair, and you are the only person to blame. Own it, and maybe people would respect you. Continue to play the victim, and everyone will write you off.

+ a billion

This is my XW (SAHM and more kids than you) and why my late teen and early 20' daughters despise her. BTW I am too busy for a relationship as well and don't mind it at this stage in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is struggling with her loss of identity in two ways:

She's no longer the young pretty one. She's still pretty/ but she's now "pretty for 42." It's a huge hit to your ego.

She's also no longer the mom to young kids. That is a stage that when you're in it feels like you'll never leave it and then one day you realize that as you were living it, day by grueling day, the years past and that stage is done. She's now the mom of elementary kids and as she gets older, they do, and one day they will have their own life and won't want/need her at all.

I know this because I'm not there yet but I get glimpses sometimes and will feel anxiety building. She's entering the second half of her life and that's tough for women who have built an identity around being young, pretty, and a mom of young kids. She very much needs to find a hobby or volunteer cause or job that will give her back her confidence ("I'm good at this too!"), fill her time, and help her forge the identity that will replace the ones she's lost.

I can see myself slipping into this in a few years. And I've made an effort to give myself more and to compare myself less, but it is a natural inclination of mine. I am insecure and compare myself to others and want to be liked. I can coach myself through it, but it takes effort. And when you can't coach yourself through it, it can trigger depression.

I think you continue to be supportive and encouraging without putting pressure. But if you lead by example, she is more likely to do for herself. You might even help her to find a new social group/peer group, without making it obvious. Sometimes new perspectives help.

But do you really think that people like you because of the way you *look*?

No but I think people judge me based on my looks. There are people who kind of have to accept me, like my family members, and then those few friends that are lifelong. But beyond that, yes, I have always felt the impulse to be accepted, appear cool (I have never been "cool"), look the part, fit in, etc.

[Anonymous]

This thread is depressing. I turn 40 in just under 2 months. Sure, it's hard aging. It's hard accepting that you don't look the same you did when you were 25.

But OP's wife and the affair poster seem a bit narcissistic and, frankly, shallow. OP's wife seems to have it all. And yet her husband is contemplating finding her a job so people will flirt with her and make her feel better about herself? Grow up. (And, by the way, OP sounds a bit out of it, too, to suggest that most people flirt at work or get that kind of attention or that women want that. Sure, it's great to get a honk of the horn by a passerby driving down the road every once in a while or to have someone at a restaurant or bar say something complimentary, but I hate it when men and women flirt in the workplace. It's inappropriate and weird. When men have flirted with me in a work scenario (both when I was younger and now), I thought it was unprofessional. I don't go to work to have my ego stroked or to feel physical attractive.)

Aging is a reality of life. Find a way to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to keep her perspective on aging.

There are much worse things than being 42.

Like being 52. Or 62. (Just kidding.)

It is truly better than the alternative.
Look at how blessed she is.
I.e., financial security, healthy family, etc.

Youth & looks are fleeting. We all know this.
Still....it is tough when you realize how quickly the time has passed already.

Aging is not for the faint of heart.

For us women it is a lot tougher since our gender is encouraged that our youth/appearance is somehow tied to our worth.
Men on the other hand are thought to age gracefully.

Look at all the celeb men who stop coloring their hair and get to wear their gray.
I.e., George Clooney, Anderson Cooper, Jon Stewart, Andy Cohen, Matt LeBlanc, etc......

The only celebrity women that I know of who actually beat their gray is Jamie Lee Curtis.

If your wife wants to try Botox because she thinks she will look better, then be okay w/it. Support her in all she does, but bottom line is that she still has quite a few good years left to live and not everybody gets a chance to live theirs.