Wife having mid-life crisis and not sure how to respond

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife has been openly saying she feels in the midst of a mid-life crisis. She is 42. We have what most would consider a very good setup. Nice house, upper middle income, healthy, smart kids, good public schools. In the last couple of years, she has become very obsessed with her looks. She looks good, but she looks 42 (and I don't mean that in a bad way, in a good way, great shape, attractive but she doesn't pass for younger). Every time we go out, she asks random people how old they think she is and they usually guess about 40ish. You can only imagine how great last night was when the bartender carded me and not her (I am 39). She talks botox, being invisible, etc. etc.

Lots of talk about "this is it, nothing left to look forward to." She is a SAHM, youngest is school full time. She says she wants to go back to work, but she is looking for the perfect part time job. FWIW, I am totally fine with her staying home or working, as long as she is happy. We don't need the money.

I am at a loss of what to say, how to support her. I am the typical male, problem solver, but I can't solve what doesn't seem to be broken.

Is this something that will naturally pass? I know much of this is typical but its been going on for a while and her obsession with her supposed aging looks is getting tiresome.

Sorry for the long post. Appreciate any suggestions.

She's facing the stiff dick of reality that all women face as they get older. Just another reminder that men age like fine wine while women age like milk.

There's some, like 13 year old boy, or gross, fat 50 year old man, who always posts this. I hope you have a daughter, or eventually have a daughter, who can learn from you that she's worthless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is struggling with her loss of identity in two ways:

She's no longer the young pretty one. She's still pretty/ but she's now "pretty for 42." It's a huge hit to your ego.

She's also no longer the mom to young kids. That is a stage that when you're in it feels like you'll never leave it and then one day you realize that as you were living it, day by grueling day, the years past and that stage is done. She's now the mom of elementary kids and as she gets older, they do, and one day they will have their own life and won't want/need her at all.

I know this because I'm not there yet but I get glimpses sometimes and will feel anxiety building. She's entering the second half of her life and that's tough for women who have built an identity around being young, pretty, and a mom of young kids. She very much needs to find a hobby or volunteer cause or job that will give her back her confidence ("I'm good at this too!"), fill her time, and help her forge the identity that will replace the ones she's lost.

I can see myself slipping into this in a few years. And I've made an effort to give myself more and to compare myself less, but it is a natural inclination of mine. I am insecure and compare myself to others and want to be liked. I can coach myself through it, but it takes effort. And when you can't coach yourself through it, it can trigger depression.

I think you continue to be supportive and encouraging without putting pressure. But if you lead by example, she is more likely to do for herself. You might even help her to find a new social group/peer group, without making it obvious. Sometimes new perspectives help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife has been openly saying she feels in the midst of a mid-life crisis. She is 42. We have what most would consider a very good setup. Nice house, upper middle income, healthy, smart kids, good public schools. In the last couple of years, she has become very obsessed with her looks. She looks good, but she looks 42 (and I don't mean that in a bad way, in a good way, great shape, attractive but she doesn't pass for younger). Every time we go out, she asks random people how old they think she is and they usually guess about 40ish. You can only imagine how great last night was when the bartender carded me and not her (I am 39). She talks botox, being invisible, etc. etc.

Lots of talk about "this is it, nothing left to look forward to." She is a SAHM, youngest is school full time. She says she wants to go back to work, but she is looking for the perfect part time job. FWIW, I am totally fine with her staying home or working, as long as she is happy. We don't need the money.

I am at a loss of what to say, how to support her. I am the typical male, problem solver, but I can't solve what doesn't seem to be broken.

Is this something that will naturally pass? I know much of this is typical but its been going on for a while and her obsession with her supposed aging looks is getting tiresome.

Sorry for the long post. Appreciate any suggestions.

She's facing the stiff dick of reality that all women face as they get older. Just another reminder that men age like fine wine while women age like milk.

This isn't true. Have you looked around at the middle aged and olden men around here?

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rich men age nicely, just sayin.

Rich women also age much better.

Can we stay on track, on topic with the OP? Those of you with anger issues about men or women should start your own threads, and you can shout at each other about how men or women age badly.

The OP asked for advice, not stupid posts about women "aging like milk."

[Anonymous]

She's probably struggling with purpose after her baby is in school now. She needs therapy or a career coach.

[Anonymous]

22:27 again. Just want to add that since she's a SAHM she is likely the default parent, and sometimes there's a lot of guilt planning time away, taking classes, doing work, picking up hobbies. Like the habit has been to obsess over stuff for kids, and even when you're not doing it you feel like you're supposed to. It's like you constantly need permission, even if you don't. You have to retrain your mind, and if you haven't already, find ways to assure her that it's good and exciting to you if she wants to pursue interests outside of the home.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing wrong with getting older and looking older (including flabbier) as you age.

We put youth on a pedestal to our own detriment.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you are to busy working to support her and the kids to listen to her whiny bullshit. "This is it, nothing left to look forward to" - really honey? What do I get to look forward to, exactly? 26 more years at the same desk so I can pay the bills until I retire, yay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is struggling with her loss of identity in two ways:

She's no longer the young pretty one. She's still pretty/ but she's now "pretty for 42." It's a huge hit to your ego.

She's also no longer the mom to young kids. That is a stage that when you're in it feels like you'll never leave it and then one day you realize that as you were living it, day by grueling day, the years past and that stage is done. She's now the mom of elementary kids and as she gets older, they do, and one day they will have their own life and won't want/need her at all.

I know this because I'm not there yet but I get glimpses sometimes and will feel anxiety building. She's entering the second half of her life and that's tough for women who have built an identity around being young, pretty, and a mom of young kids. She very much needs to find a hobby or volunteer cause or job that will give her back her confidence ("I'm good at this too!"), fill her time, and help her forge the identity that will replace the ones she's lost.

I can see myself slipping into this in a few years. And I've made an effort to give myself more and to compare myself less, but it is a natural inclination of mine. I am insecure and compare myself to others and want to be liked. I can coach myself through it, but it takes effort. And when you can't coach yourself through it, it can trigger depression.

I think you continue to be supportive and encouraging without putting pressure. But if you lead by example, she is more likely to do for herself. You might even help her to find a new social group/peer group, without making it obvious. Sometimes new perspectives help.

But do you really think that people like you because of the way you *look*?

[Anonymous]

You are a wonderful DH to try to help her. I think you and your family should volunteer together and do it for at least 8 weekends to make it a habit. She will feel like she is making a contribution and church could help as well. It all helps you live outside of yourself- makes you happier.

[Anonymous]

The first thing I thought of after reading this was that if she does get a job, the first thing she'll do is test her flirting skills to test the waters. Women like your wife look for ways to validate their looks and attractiveness to the other sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes of course, my math wasn't perfect so my post is completely irrelevant.

Classic DCUM harpie logic.

Your math was pretty bad...you must admit. Not just a little off there. Peace.

And you also added a plus to the 30...admit it, pp, you're projecting here.

[Anonymous]

Fortunately, she has you, pp, to help her ride through this rough patch. Just be there steady and understanding for her ups and downs.

[Anonymous]

My sister resorted to plastic surgery. She didn't need more than at most the bags removed under her eyes but she went for a face lift. Now she barely resembles herself but she likes it.

[Anonymous]

Radical acceptance.