Wife having mid-life crisis and not sure how to respond

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the helpful replies. To answer a couple of questions:

She was/is attractive, objectively speaking she is a 7/8 out of 10. I think part of the problem is she doesn't get a lot of positive male- affirmation on a day to day basis being a SAHM. And she isn't going to find it at the bar or restaurant scene dominated by the younger crowd, and she knows and understands that but now feels totally invisible. Men rarely get overtly hit on in public so we don't feel some acute loss of it mid-life. If she were working in an office, she would get flirted with. I try to keep it going at home, but her response is "you are supposed to find me attractive and say nice things, you are my husband." And yes, she is probably ripe for some mid-life affair, which would be nice to avoid, obviously.

She has mentioned botox repeatedly. If she wants it, have at it, as long as she doesn't turn into one of those weird looking reality show cat-women. It's hard for me to tell if she is aging normally or if she really does look old for her age; I live with her. I get that it would be disheartening to have people guess you are much older than you are.

I think she needs a career too, but herein lies the "problem" of being married to a wealthy man - we don't need the money, we do need someone other than me to pick up much of the domestic since I travel for work. I am fine hiring a nanny or doing extended care after school. She doesn't want that. She keeps looking for the perfect part time gig, but that doesn't exist in her field - you are either all in or not. It doesn't help we are in similar fields and she has no confidence having been out of the work force for 10 years while my career has done well.

I could probably arrange for her to get interviews within my network. But I am not sure if that is pushing too hard. If I am supposed to be supportive and encouraging or to "solve" the problem and get her a career. I also wonder if this is normal mid-life stuff or clinical depression, and I am not equipped to answer that, nor do I want my head ripped off for suggesting she has a chemical imbalance.

Wow, you are such an idiot, I highly doubt your claims of "wealth."

1. Your wife needs a job to have some fucking PURPOSE, not so men can flirt with her at work.

2. Botox is the last thing your wife needs, why don't you get this?

3. News flash: your wife doesn't have a field because she not only doesn't have a career, she doesn't have a a job! SHE STAYS AT HOME. Just face it: your wife doesn't want to work. All the lip service in the world isn't going to change this. Another thing, guys, this is why you don't allow your wives to stay home.

4. Yes, your wife has a chemical imbalance. You likely do as well, due to your stunning idiocy. But your wife most definitely does. Don't feel bad, most do.

Love when the relationship trolls/hags come out to play. They are clearly the best people to give advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the helpful replies. To answer a couple of questions:

She was/is attractive, objectively speaking she is a 7/8 out of 10. I think part of the problem is she doesn't get a lot of positive male- affirmation on a day to day basis being a SAHM. And she isn't going to find it at the bar or restaurant scene dominated by the younger crowd, and she knows and understands that but now feels totally invisible. Men rarely get overtly hit on in public so we don't feel some acute loss of it mid-life. If she were working in an office, she would get flirted with. I try to keep it going at home, but her response is "you are supposed to find me attractive and say nice things, you are my husband." And yes, she is probably ripe for some mid-life affair, which would be nice to avoid, obviously.

She has mentioned botox repeatedly. If she wants it, have at it, as long as she doesn't turn into one of those weird looking reality show cat-women. It's hard for me to tell if she is aging normally or if she really does look old for her age; I live with her. I get that it would be disheartening to have people guess you are much older than you are.

I think she needs a career too, but herein lies the "problem" of being married to a wealthy man - we don't need the money, we do need someone other than me to pick up much of the domestic since I travel for work. I am fine hiring a nanny or doing extended care after school. She doesn't want that. She keeps looking for the perfect part time gig, but that doesn't exist in her field - you are either all in or not. It doesn't help we are in similar fields and she has no confidence having been out of the work force for 10 years while my career has done well.

I could probably arrange for her to get interviews within my network. But I am not sure if that is pushing too hard. If I am supposed to be supportive and encouraging or to "solve" the problem and get her a career. I also wonder if this is normal mid-life stuff or clinical depression, and I am not equipped to answer that, nor do I want my head ripped off for suggesting she has a chemical imbalance.

Wow, you are such an idiot, I highly doubt your claims of "wealth."

1. Your wife needs a job to have some fucking PURPOSE, not so men can flirt with her at work.

2. Botox is the last thing your wife needs, why don't you get this?

3. News flash: your wife doesn't have a field because she not only doesn't have a career, she doesn't have a a job! SHE STAYS AT HOME. Just face it: your wife doesn't want to work. All the lip service in the world isn't going to change this. Another thing, guys, this is why you don't allow your wives to stay home.

4. Yes, your wife has a chemical imbalance. You likely do as well, due to your stunning idiocy. But your wife most definitely does. Don't feel bad, most do.

You are a stunningly horrible shrew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Love when the relationship trolls/hags come out to play. They are clearly the best people to give advice.

What, exactly, is wrong with what I said?

[Anonymous]

My wife went through this. Then got a part time job. Had two year affair with co worker. Our dovorce is final next month. Nip this in the bud NOW. I wish I encouraged couples therapy three years ago.

[Anonymous]

I note I am the one who found her the part time job.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say that I hate people like your wife, OP. I find her behavior disgusting. She obviously desperately needs some kind of meaning in her life, yet she ignores all of the potential ways she can be a meaningful contributor - such as by being a truly good wife & mom and getting involved in a life endeavor of her choosing - and she has a choice! Not many of us do.

You need to let her know she is being a shallow piece of shit, not give her compliments. Show her how despicable she is behaving, point out examples of other women who desperately cling to the power of their sexuality as it fades and how badly that turns out for them.

She needs to feel SHAME and self-disgust. She does not need coddling. Puke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I hate people like your wife, OP. I find her behavior disgusting. She obviously desperately needs some kind of meaning in her life, yet she ignores all of the potential ways she can be a meaningful contributor - such as by being a truly good wife & mom and getting involved in a life endeavor of her choosing - and she has a choice! Not many of us do.

You need to let her know she is being a shallow piece of shit, not give her compliments. Show her how despicable she is behaving, point out examples of other women who desperately cling to the power of their sexuality as it fades and how badly that turns out for them.

She needs to feel SHAME and self-disgust. She does not need coddling. Puke.

Jeez. Bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I note I am the one who found her the part time job.

Who wanted the divorce? Is she moving on with her AP?

My condolences. I suggest therapy for co-parenting and to help the kids adjust with the transition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What could your husband have done before the affair to keep you from having one? Serious question. I am one of those who understand the long road of monogamy and it isn't easy, so I am not being judgmental, just genuinely curious.

The things I'd change are the things I could have done differently, starting right from the beginning of the relationship. The problem, really, was my response to his needs, and my letting his needs take precedence over my needs. That is wearing, and I have never been honest enough about what I wanted and I sure as hell am not now. I have kids and a husband and my needs take a back seat. Like, third row back seat. Until I finally become selfish and had an affair and got needs met. Not the way I should have. But, met.

So, really, my husband could have noticed more that I wasn't being honest about what I wanted. (That's asking a lot, I know) Or when I was being honest he could have not come back with reasons why I was wrong. When he did that, I'd drop it. I'm still not blaming him, I was part of that dynamic, but that cycle that we have was unhealthy for me. I need to stand up for my own wants/needs.

So, I suppose the real answer is nothing he could have done.

[Anonymous]

The sad part of this post - men with SAHM wives don't really care if they work or stay home, as long as they are happy and fun to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:men with SAHM wives don't really care if they work or stay home, as long as they are happy and fun to be around.

Duh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I hate people like your wife, OP. I find her behavior disgusting. She obviously desperately needs some kind of meaning in her life, yet she ignores all of the potential ways she can be a meaningful contributor - such as by being a truly good wife & mom and getting involved in a life endeavor of her choosing - and she has a choice! Not many of us do.

You need to let her know she is being a shallow piece of shit, not give her compliments. Show her how despicable she is behaving, point out examples of other women who desperately cling to the power of their sexuality as it fades and how badly that turns out for them.

She needs to feel SHAME and self-disgust. She does not need coddling. Puke.

Amen! Just another spoiled woman facing the music. She's like a high school dropout who hits 45 and realizes life sucks, should have tried harder in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I note I am the one who found her the part time job.

Who wanted the divorce? Is she moving on with her AP?

My condolences. I suggest therapy for co-parenting and to help the kids adjust with the transition.

After she moved out the AP dumped her. I thought or was hoping she would come to her senses but she doubled down and then started some revisionist history. I know I had my faults but it was astonishing how she focused on hard times we had 8 or 10 years ago to justify her affair. She would be a therapists dream if she had the ability to self reflect. I have the kids and she had generous visitation ever other weekend. Was on dating websites immediately after AP dumped her. She's gained around 40 pounds. Very sad to witness and now I feel sorry for her. Gave her what she wanted financially in divorce.

[Anonymous]

*has not had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say this but if she's this bad off, she probably needs to go through the process of having an affair, waking up and realizing that trying to find personal happiness in others will never work, discovering that her marriage and family mean something to her, being newly grateful for said marriage, finding a vocation in volunteering or yoga which eventually leads to paid employment.

It's a cliche for a reason OP. If you love her, I'd recommend looking the other way while this goes on. You'll be better off when you're on the other side.

I disagree. An affair only makes matters about billion times worse. Then you not only get to deal with aging, you get to deal with the guilt of being a dishonorable person too.

Stay out of the bars.

A lot of people won't or can't learn except through their own experience. We can tell her till she's blue in the face that an affair won't help BUT that's not going to stop most women in this position. She's insecure and hurting and probably feeling her mortality in a real way for the first time. The passion and excitement of a new affair will feel like it's reviving her and make her feel young again. That's why people do it. That's why it's a cliche! Affairs do make things worse but they also have a way of clearing the decks and making you seeing reality clearly again. If a couple can hold on through the worst of it, their marriages typically emerge even stronger than before.

OP, don't listen to this crazy self validation presented as advice. PP is just trying to make herself feel better about her own lousy choices.