Wife having mid-life crisis and not sure how to respond

[Anonymous]

*bear

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: We have what most would consider a very good setup. Nice house, upper middle income, healthy, smart kids, good public schools. .

"We"? These are your criteria.

Many women favor intimacy, emotional security and a man who is "present" in their lives.

It helps to eliminate the insecurity that comes with aging.

Where do you stand based on these criteria?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: We have what most would consider a very good setup. Nice house, upper middle income, healthy, smart kids, good public schools. .

"We"? These are your criteria.

Many women favor intimacy, emotional security and a man who is "present" in their lives.

It helps to eliminate the insecurity that comes with aging.

Where do you stand based on these criteria?

I totally disagree that those things eliminate insecurity about aging. Why else would so many people in otherwise happy marriages have affairs around this time? It's not that they don't feel loved or cared for or considered attractive by their spouse. They want to know they are still attractive to others. They want to feel young again. OTHER PEOPLE cannot eliminate the insecurity around aging. Only ourselves. So if that is how op's wife is feeling, she needs to look inward, not at her husband or other men to validate her. A really good volunteer job would do wonders, like working with underprivileged kids or at a women's shelter if possible. Even a food pantry. A job would also not hurt and she has the luxury of picking something that she enjoys without having to worry about how much it pays. seeking sense of purpose and identity from within is the only way to combat the sense of loss one feels upon aging and losing looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I totally disagree that those things eliminate insecurity about aging. Why else would so many people in otherwise happy marriages have affairs around this time? It's not that they don't feel loved or cared for or considered attractive by their spouse. They want to know they are still attractive to others.

+1 OP's wife already told him that his compliments don't count because he's supposed to say nice things. She's looking for validation outside of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I totally disagree that those things eliminate insecurity about aging. Why else would so many people in otherwise happy marriages have affairs around this time? It's not that they don't feel loved or cared for or considered attractive by their spouse. They want to know they are still attractive to others.

+1 OP's wife already told him that his compliments don't count because he's supposed to say nice things. She's looking for validation outside of the marriage.

And I can see where she's coming from. You sort of become inured to the compliments your husband gives or you think "yeah you're just saying that so ill have sex tonight." Or you wonder if it's a rote thing they just say out of habit. Definitely not the same as a man on the street giving you a genuine compliment. That being said, this sort of thing and the fact her kids are now in school and she seems at loose ends are what make her a good candidate for an affair, which hopefully she has the self awareness to recognize. I can easily see how many people fall into this trap at this particular stage in life- they don't hate their spouse or want to destroy the family, they just want to feel desirable again and fill a void that's in their life because their life is moving in a direction that they haven't fully caught up with yet. I truly think even the most decent people can get caught up in that at this stage so it's good OP is recognizing it- hopefully the wife is too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I totally disagree that those things eliminate insecurity about aging. Why else would so many people in otherwise happy marriages have affairs around this time? It's not that they don't feel loved or cared for or considered attractive by their spouse. They want to know they are still attractive to others.

+1 OP's wife already told him that his compliments don't count because he's supposed to say nice things. She's looking for validation outside of the marriage.

And I can see where she's coming from. You sort of become inured to the compliments your husband gives or you think "yeah you're just saying that so ill have sex tonight." Or you wonder if it's a rote thing they just say out of habit. Definitely not the same as a man on the street giving you a genuine compliment. That being said, this sort of thing and the fact her kids are now in school and she seems at loose ends are what make her a good candidate for an affair, which hopefully she has the self awareness to recognize. I can easily see how many people fall into this trap at this particular stage in life- they don't hate their spouse or want to destroy the family, they just want to feel desirable again and fill a void that's in their life because their life is moving in a direction that they haven't fully caught up with yet. I truly think even the most decent people can get caught up in that at this stage so it's good OP is recognizing it- hopefully the wife is too.

Intellectually, I suppose I understand; but I don't personally identify with it. When my wife gives me a compliment -- even after being married for 20 years -- it still feels good. I don't feel like she has to say anything at all. That's why it hurts a little bit when she says something dismissive along the lines of "you have to say that" when I give her a compliment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's why it hurts a little bit when she says something dismissive along the lines of "you have to say that" when I give her a compliment.

This is why you give compliments rarely, so she doesn't take them for granted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They want to know they are still attractive to others.

Tough shit. You're supposed to get over this when you get married. That's the whole point of getting married.

Want constant validation that you are attractive to others? Don't get married.

Typical DCUM ladies, they want to have their cake and eat it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What could your husband have done before the affair to keep you from having one? Serious question. I am one of those who understand the long road of monogamy and it isn't easy, so I am not being judgmental, just genuinely curious.

You must be new here. Women are never solely responsible for their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a woman and I can admit this. Don't approach me and be weird but if I can just tell you're politely checking me out or you offer a low key compliment and then go away, I can appreciate that and like knowing someone finds me attractive .

You don't deserve such a compliment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the helpful replies. To answer a couple of questions:

She was/is attractive, objectively speaking she is a 7/8 out of 10. I think part of the problem is she doesn't get a lot of positive male- affirmation on a day to day basis being a SAHM. And she isn't going to find it at the bar or restaurant scene dominated by the younger crowd, and she knows and understands that but now feels totally invisible. Men rarely get overtly hit on in public so we don't feel some acute loss of it mid-life. If she were working in an office, she would get flirted with. I try to keep it going at home, but her response is "you are supposed to find me attractive and say nice things, you are my husband." And yes, she is probably ripe for some mid-life affair, which would be nice to avoid, obviously.

She has mentioned botox repeatedly. If she wants it, have at it, as long as she doesn't turn into one of those weird looking reality show cat-women. It's hard for me to tell if she is aging normally or if she really does look old for her age; I live with her. I get that it would be disheartening to have people guess you are much older than you are.

I think she needs a career too, but herein lies the "problem" of being married to a wealthy man - we don't need the money, we do need someone other than me to pick up much of the domestic since I travel for work. I am fine hiring a nanny or doing extended care after school. She doesn't want that. She keeps looking for the perfect part time gig, but that doesn't exist in her field - you are either all in or not. It doesn't help we are in similar fields and she has no confidence having been out of the work force for 10 years while my career has done well.

I could probably arrange for her to get interviews within my network. But I am not sure if that is pushing too hard. If I am supposed to be supportive and encouraging or to "solve" the problem and get her a career. I also wonder if this is normal mid-life stuff or clinical depression, and I am not equipped to answer that, nor do I want my head ripped off for suggesting she has a chemical imbalance.

Wow, you are such an idiot, I highly doubt your claims of "wealth."

1. Your wife needs a job to have some fucking PURPOSE, not so men can flirt with her at work.

2. Botox is the last thing your wife needs, why don't you get this?

3. News flash: your wife doesn't have a field because she not only doesn't have a career, she doesn't have a a job! SHE STAYS AT HOME. Just face it: your wife doesn't want to work. All the lip service in the world isn't going to change this. Another thing, guys, this is why you don't allow your wives to stay home.

4. Yes, your wife has a chemical imbalance. You likely do as well, due to your stunning idiocy. But your wife most definitely does. Don't feel bad, most do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This runs counter to the media messages I've received that women dress to feel good about themselves and not to look good to others and that women don't like receiving unsolicited attention based on their looks.

I always figured these messages were only half true and that women usually wanted to look good and receive attention from attractive men and to be left alone and ignored by unattractive men.

You're right. And FYI: Those (feminized) media messages were bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is true, lol. In my experience, women don't like obnoxious attention from men. Catcalls are gross. Obvious pickups can be gross, depending on what or how it is said. Subtle checking out or a smile, sending over a free drink, fine.

Yes, of course! Who doesn't want to financially benefit from their sexuality? Heaven forbid a man you deem undesirable strike up a conversation with you! JUST GIVE ME MONEY!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:creeps

The most subjective word in the history of the English language.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I am sorry your wife is going through this. Honestly, I don't think you can "fix" it. I don't understand the posters saying "she needs a career" since she hasn't worked in a decade. I doubt jumping back in will be that easy, but maybe I'm wrong about that. Given your situation, I think going back to school is a great idea. If I had a rich husband and no direction, I'd get my PhD in a heartbeat. But I have a career, two kids, and honestly I don't care that I'm aging because my looks have never been what I cared about most (despite getting a decent amount of attention for them). I also simply don't have time for a mid-life crisis.

Your post is an important reminder for why couples should think long and hard deciding to have DW give up her career to stay at home. I know it can make life easier in the short run, it may make things much worse in the long run.