Wife having mid-life crisis and not sure how to respond

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pay for her to get Botox.

That's no going to help. She has to do something bigger than slap a bandaid on some crows feet. This is about needing to rebuild her identity and what she derives purpose from.

[Anonymous]

she needs a career - not a job, and certainly not a part-time job. if she can't have it with the background she has, then she needs to go back to school (i am usually against this, but you seem to be well off). going to school is actually pretty good in that sense that it will give her a lot of stuff to do and if she is good at it, she can start building her identity around that.

also, if she wants to do plastic surgery, let her. plastic surgery is not evil.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to say this but if she's this bad off, she probably needs to go through the process of having an affair, waking up and realizing that trying to find personal happiness in others will never work, discovering that her marriage and family mean something to her, being newly grateful for said marriage, finding a vocation in volunteering or yoga which eventually leads to paid employment.

It's a cliche for a reason OP. If you love her, I'd recommend looking the other way while this goes on. You'll be better off when you're on the other side.

[Anonymous]

I think at some point it hits us all that we are getting older. The time does come when we don't get carded or realize that we're not really turning heads the way that we used to.

It's a reality that we all face and I don't know that it is ever a welcome reality. In fact, it's a bit of a blow to the ego. And you have to adjust the way that you view yourself.

I suppose you can go the botox, lipo, boob job, tummy tuck route - whatever it takes to hold on to your youth for a little while longer while you refocus and put your energy into things that mean something to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is struggling with her loss of identity in two ways:

She's no longer the young pretty one. She's still pretty/ but she's now "pretty for 42." It's a huge hit to your ego.

She's also no longer the mom to young kids. That is a stage that when you're in it feels like you'll never leave it and then one day you realize that as you were living it, day by grueling day, the years past and that stage is done. She's now the mom of elementary kids and as she gets older, they do, and one day they will have their own life and won't want/need her at all.

I know this because I'm not there yet but I get glimpses sometimes and will feel anxiety building. She's entering the second half of her life and that's tough for women who have built an identity around being young, pretty, and a mom of young kids. She very much needs to find a hobby or volunteer cause or job that will give her back her confidence ("I'm good at this too!"), fill her time, and help her forge the identity that will replace the ones she's lost.

+1

A lot of women pretend to themselves that looks don't matter and that they don't care if others find them attractive. This is a lie we tell ourselves. When the factor that earned you a lot of positive, unsolicited attention ALL your life starts to go, it's very painful. Let's face it. No matter how feminist or egalitarian men say they are, 9/10 still go for the prettiest girls. OP was probably one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say this but if she's this bad off, she probably needs to go through the process of having an affair, waking up and realizing that trying to find personal happiness in others will never work, discovering that her marriage and family mean something to her, being newly grateful for said marriage, finding a vocation in volunteering or yoga which eventually leads to paid employment.

It's a cliche for a reason OP. If you love her, I'd recommend looking the other way while this goes on. You'll be better off when you're on the other side.

I disagree. An affair only makes matters about billion times worse. Then you not only get to deal with aging, you get to deal with the guilt of being a dishonorable person too.

Stay out of the bars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Job.

+ everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say this but if she's this bad off, she probably needs to go through the process of having an affair, waking up and realizing that trying to find personal happiness in others will never work, discovering that her marriage and family mean something to her, being newly grateful for said marriage, finding a vocation in volunteering or yoga which eventually leads to paid employment.

It's a cliche for a reason OP. If you love her, I'd recommend looking the other way while this goes on. You'll be better off when you're on the other side.

I disagree. An affair only makes matters about billion times worse. Then you not only get to deal with aging, you get to deal with the guilt of being a dishonorable person too.

Stay out of the bars.

A lot of people won't or can't learn except through their own experience. We can tell her till she's blue in the face that an affair won't help BUT that's not going to stop most women in this position. She's insecure and hurting and probably feeling her mortality in a real way for the first time. The passion and excitement of a new affair will feel like it's reviving her and make her feel young again. That's why people do it. That's why it's a cliche! Affairs do make things worse but they also have a way of clearing the decks and making you seeing reality clearly again. If a couple can hold on through the worst of it, their marriages typically emerge even stronger than before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say this but if she's this bad off, she probably needs to go through the process of having an affair, waking up and realizing that trying to find personal happiness in others will never work, discovering that her marriage and family mean something to her, being newly grateful for said marriage, finding a vocation in volunteering or yoga which eventually leads to paid employment.

It's a cliche for a reason OP. If you love her, I'd recommend looking the other way while this goes on. You'll be better off when you're on the other side.

Would you also recommend that a husband have an affair and the wife look the other way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think at some point it hits us all that we are getting older. The time does come when we don't get carded or realize that we're not really turning heads the way that we used to.

It's a reality that we all face and I don't know that it is ever a welcome reality. In fact, it's a bit of a blow to the ego. And you have to adjust the way that you view yourself.

I suppose you can go the botox, lipo, boob job, tummy tuck route - whatever it takes to hold on to your youth for a little while longer while you refocus and put your energy into things that mean something to you.

This runs counter to the media messages I've received that women dress to feel good about themselves and not to look good to others and that women don't like receiving unsolicited attention based on their looks.

I always figured these messages were only half true and that women usually wanted to look good and receive attention from attractive men and to be left alone and ignored by unattractive men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say this but if she's this bad off, she probably needs to go through the process of having an affair, waking up and realizing that trying to find personal happiness in others will never work, discovering that her marriage and family mean something to her, being newly grateful for said marriage, finding a vocation in volunteering or yoga which eventually leads to paid employment.

It's a cliche for a reason OP. If you love her, I'd recommend looking the other way while this goes on. You'll be better off when you're on the other side.

Would you also recommend that a husband have an affair and the wife look the other way?

Yes but I'm not one of those people who think it's normal to expect 50 years of perfectly contented, happy monogamy. That is a LOT to ask of one relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say this but if she's this bad off, she probably needs to go through the process of having an affair, waking up and realizing that trying to find personal happiness in others will never work, discovering that her marriage and family mean something to her, being newly grateful for said marriage, finding a vocation in volunteering or yoga which eventually leads to paid employment.

It's a cliche for a reason OP. If you love her, I'd recommend looking the other way while this goes on. You'll be better off when you're on the other side.

I disagree. An affair only makes matters about billion times worse. Then you not only get to deal with aging, you get to deal with the guilt of being a dishonorable person too.

Stay out of the bars.

A lot of people won't or can't learn except through their own experience. We can tell her till she's blue in the face that an affair won't help BUT that's not going to stop most women in this position. She's insecure and hurting and probably feeling her mortality in a real way for the first time. The passion and excitement of a new affair will feel like it's reviving her and make her feel young again. That's why people do it. That's why it's a cliche! Affairs do make things worse but they also have a way of clearing the decks and making you seeing reality clearly again. If a couple can hold on through the worst of it, their marriages typically emerge even stronger than before.

Yeah, they often emerge on the other side of an affair divorced and with way less than had before the affair. Not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think at some point it hits us all that we are getting older. The time does come when we don't get carded or realize that we're not really turning heads the way that we used to.

It's a reality that we all face and I don't know that it is ever a welcome reality. In fact, it's a bit of a blow to the ego. And you have to adjust the way that you view yourself.

I suppose you can go the botox, lipo, boob job, tummy tuck route - whatever it takes to hold on to your youth for a little while longer while you refocus and put your energy into things that mean something to you.

This runs counter to the media messages I've received that women dress to feel good about themselves and not to look good to others and that women don't like receiving unsolicited attention based on their looks.

I always figured these messages were only half true and that women usually wanted to look good and receive attention from attractive men and to be left alone and ignored by unattractive men.

This is true, lol. In my experience, women don't like obnoxious attention from men. Catcalls are gross. Obvious pickups can be gross, depending on what or how it is said. Subtle checking out or a smile, sending over a free drink, fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think at some point it hits us all that we are getting older. The time does come when we don't get carded or realize that we're not really turning heads the way that we used to.

It's a reality that we all face and I don't know that it is ever a welcome reality. In fact, it's a bit of a blow to the ego. And you have to adjust the way that you view yourself.

I suppose you can go the botox, lipo, boob job, tummy tuck route - whatever it takes to hold on to your youth for a little while longer while you refocus and put your energy into things that mean something to you.

This runs counter to the media messages I've received that women dress to feel good about themselves and not to look good to others and that women don't like receiving unsolicited attention based on their looks.

I always figured these messages were only half true and that women usually wanted to look good and receive attention from attractive men and to be left alone and ignored by unattractive men.

If they are going through the whole plastic surgery/botox route, they want to look good and be noticed and they want to be told how great they look - that makes them feel good about themselves. They don't necessarily want to be hit on by creeps though.

[Anonymous]

OP, what are you doing to make her know you still desire her? What I would want in this situation is for my husband to start courting me again. Surprise her with exciting weekends away. Show interest in HER interests. Arrange date nights. Bring flowers. Get her drunk and have outrageous sex like young people have. Not married people "oh we haven't done it in a week so might as well get it over with" sex.

At the same time, encourage her to develop a new interest or occupation outside of the children.