Wife having mid-life crisis and not sure how to respond

[Anonymous]

My wife has been openly saying she feels in the midst of a mid-life crisis. She is 42. We have what most would consider a very good setup. Nice house, upper middle income, healthy, smart kids, good public schools. In the last couple of years, she has become very obsessed with her looks. She looks good, but she looks 42 (and I don't mean that in a bad way, in a good way, great shape, attractive but she doesn't pass for younger). Every time we go out, she asks random people how old they think she is and they usually guess about 40ish. You can only imagine how great last night was when the bartender carded me and not her (I am 39). She talks botox, being invisible, etc. etc.

Lots of talk about "this is it, nothing left to look forward to." She is a SAHM, youngest is school full time. She says she wants to go back to work, but she is looking for the perfect part time job. FWIW, I am totally fine with her staying home or working, as long as she is happy. We don't need the money.

I am at a loss of what to say, how to support her. I am the typical male, problem solver, but I can't solve what doesn't seem to be broken.

Is this something that will naturally pass? I know much of this is typical but its been going on for a while and her obsession with her supposed aging looks is getting tiresome.

Sorry for the long post. Appreciate any suggestions.

[Anonymous]

You can't fix this problem. Just listen and provide positive support. Help her find a new path. Youth & beauty aren't everything but she doesn't want to hear that.

Many women struggle with fading looks.

Focus discussions on her other interests, besides looking 29 forever.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't deserve everything you provide to her. I would tell her to start looking for a job and her own place

[Anonymous]

She needs to find something to get involved in like a job or volunteering. She needs a goal, however small, to work towards.

[Anonymous]

Let her go get laid this weekend, no questions asked, see if that helps.

[Anonymous]

Fingers crossed that she doesn't cheat.

[Anonymous]

She is struggling with her loss of identity in two ways:

She's no longer the young pretty one. She's still pretty/ but she's now "pretty for 42." It's a huge hit to your ego.

She's also no longer the mom to young kids. That is a stage that when you're in it feels like you'll never leave it and then one day you realize that as you were living it, day by grueling day, the years past and that stage is done. She's now the mom of elementary kids and as she gets older, they do, and one day they will have their own life and won't want/need her at all.

I know this because I'm not there yet but I get glimpses sometimes and will feel anxiety building. She's entering the second half of her life and that's tough for women who have built an identity around being young, pretty, and a mom of young kids. She very much needs to find a hobby or volunteer cause or job that will give her back her confidence ("I'm good at this too!"), fill her time, and help her forge the identity that will replace the ones she's lost.

[Anonymous]

The years PASSED! I know that usage. Forgive my iPhone typing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is struggling with her loss of identity in two ways:

She's no longer the young pretty one. She's still pretty/ but she's now "pretty for 42." It's a huge hit to your ego.

She's also no longer the mom to young kids. That is a stage that when you're in it feels like you'll never leave it and then one day you realize that as you were living it, day by grueling day, the years past and that stage is done. She's now the mom of elementary kids and as she gets older, they do, and one day they will have their own life and won't want/need her at all.

I know this because I'm not there yet but I get glimpses sometimes and will feel anxiety building. She's entering the second half of her life and that's tough for women who have built an identity around being young, pretty, and a mom of young kids. She very much needs to find a hobby or volunteer cause or job that will give her back her confidence ("I'm good at this too!"), fill her time, and help her forge the identity that will replace the ones she's lost.

Yep. That's why I focused on education and now my career defines me. I've noticed the sahms and those with pt jobs instead of careers seem to be struggling with this. If you are a professional or artist or some such this isn't an issue until retirement or death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is struggling with her loss of identity in two ways:

She's no longer the young pretty one. She's still pretty/ but she's now "pretty for 42." It's a huge hit to your ego.

She's also no longer the mom to young kids. That is a stage that when you're in it feels like you'll never leave it and then one day you realize that as you were living it, day by grueling day, the years past and that stage is done. She's now the mom of elementary kids and as she gets older, they do, and one day they will have their own life and won't want/need her at all.

I know this because I'm not there yet but I get glimpses sometimes and will feel anxiety building. She's entering the second half of her life and that's tough for women who have built an identity around being young, pretty, and a mom of young kids. She very much needs to find a hobby or volunteer cause or job that will give her back her confidence ("I'm good at this too!"), fill her time, and help her forge the identity that will replace the ones she's lost.

All of this. She was mommy and had a very important job is taking care of them when they were little. Now they are in school and can probably take care of themselves (the day to day stuff of toilet and feeding and playing- of course they still need parenting). So she was very very needed and depended on and now she's not to the same degree and add to that her looks fading as they do for everyone and it's a recipe for a lot of new insecurity and struggle with identity.
She needs to find a new her. Be it a job or a volunteer gig or even a serious hobby. Good for you for being supportive. Talk to her about how she sees the next 5 years for example and what she may want to do with the time she has.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to go back to school. Let her explore some areas that interest her and maybe she will focus on a career. Being around college kids will help her appreciate how much wisdom and knowledge she has acquired and she will feel better about her future.

[Anonymous]

Job.

[Anonymous]

OP - I have a friend like your wife. She is attractive but looks 45. Gets obviously bothered if she isn't mistaken to be younger. She asks everyone how old they think she is and once very upset when this 20-something said she looked 50. She is now talking Botox and wears very tight and revealing clothing all the time It's been difficult to say something in a supportive way without causing offense. I sympathize because I think getting older hits some women a lot harder and in a very emotional way.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to stop whining, wife the hell up, or GTFO.

[Anonymous]

This happens to vain sahms who relied on their looks and personalities to sustain them when they were younger. The rest of us, sahms who live a life of the mind, are not going through this.