Wife having mid-life crisis and not sure how to respond

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I note I am the one who found her the part time job.

Who wanted the divorce? Is she moving on with her AP?

My condolences. I suggest therapy for co-parenting and to help the kids adjust with the transition.

After she moved out the AP dumped her. I thought or was hoping she would come to her senses but she doubled down and then started some revisionist history. I know I had my faults but it was astonishing how she focused on hard times we had 8 or 10 years ago to justify her affair. She would be a therapists dream if she had the ability to self reflect. I have the kids and she had generous visitation ever other weekend. Was on dating websites immediately after AP dumped her. She's gained around 40 pounds. Very sad to witness and now I feel sorry for her. Gave her what she wanted financially in divorce.

You sound very kind. I hope you find a good match someday. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
After she moved out the AP dumped her. I thought or was hoping she would come to her senses but she doubled down and then started some revisionist history. I know I had my faults but it was astonishing how she focused on hard times we had 8 or 10 years ago to justify her affair. She would be a therapists dream if she had the ability to self reflect. I have the kids and she had generous visitation ever other weekend. Was on dating websites immediately after AP dumped her. She's gained around 40 pounds. Very sad to witness and now I feel sorry for her. Gave her what she wanted financially in divorce.

Dude. I feel sorry for YOU that you were so lacking in self-respect that you took this piece of garbage back into your life.

After she left you for her AP, you should have come to your senses and realized you were far better off without such an evil creature.

Also, you shouldn't have given her a penny, because she deserved nothing but the back of your hand.

[Anonymous]

Did the op really post that he thinks his wife needs positive male attention/affirmation and believes she could flirt more if she had a job?!?!

Um, WTF?

Where do you work, OP? The early 1960s?

Women don't get jobs to flirt. And normal women--even dinosaurs like me in their (gasp!) early 40s--don't require "positive affirmations from flirting with strange men" to stave off a midlife crisis.

Stop making excuses for her. This most certainly is NOT normal aging female behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
After she moved out the AP dumped her. I thought or was hoping she would come to her senses but she doubled down and then started some revisionist history. I know I had my faults but it was astonishing how she focused on hard times we had 8 or 10 years ago to justify her affair. She would be a therapists dream if she had the ability to self reflect. I have the kids and she had generous visitation ever other weekend. Was on dating websites immediately after AP dumped her. She's gained around 40 pounds. Very sad to witness and now I feel sorry for her. Gave her what she wanted financially in divorce.

Dude. I feel sorry for YOU that you were so lacking in self-respect that you took this piece of garbage back into your life.

After she left you for her AP, you should have come to your senses and realized you were far better off without such an evil creature.

Also, you shouldn't have given her a penny, because she deserved nothing but the back of your hand.

You are saying exactly what friends and family said. The kids love her though. I go through stages of anger where I want to be retaliatory. But then I think long term focusing on trying to be kind. I am not worried about the money. A litigated divorce would cost more and judges will focus on my income and also she would have more custody time. I think having the kids primarily will ultimately result in a better life for me and them long term. If she later chooses to try to get more custody time and child support I think that the longer I have them primarily the harder it will be to change so long as I can demonstrate the current schedule is working for kids. I also let her see them pretty much whenever she wants if she has something planned etc. I am trying to focus on big picture. You are correct. I often feel like I lack self respect in this regard. But I do try to focus on not being angry and moving on. It's hard to see her and it still hurts. Time will tell if I am taking correct path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
After she moved out the AP dumped her. I thought or was hoping she would come to her senses but she doubled down and then started some revisionist history. I know I had my faults but it was astonishing how she focused on hard times we had 8 or 10 years ago to justify her affair. She would be a therapists dream if she had the ability to self reflect. I have the kids and she had generous visitation ever other weekend. Was on dating websites immediately after AP dumped her. She's gained around 40 pounds. Very sad to witness and now I feel sorry for her. Gave her what she wanted financially in divorce.

Dude. I feel sorry for YOU that you were so lacking in self-respect that you took this piece of garbage back into your life.

After she left you for her AP, you should have come to your senses and realized you were far better off without such an evil creature.

Also, you shouldn't have given her a penny, because she deserved nothing but the back of your hand.

You shouldn't be advising anyone with your obvious anger issues.

[Anonymous]

The looks thing will pass and hopefully she will be able to recognize her value beyond looks. The empty nest concerns are very real. Im a stay at home dad and run a consulting business out of a home office but my passion has been for taking care of the kids. They are teens and will be gone soon. Its daunting to think of losing that 60-80hr/week job Ive held for 15 years as primary caregiver but its happening.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's depressed and needs an anti depressant or anti anxiety med.

[Anonymous]

So much going on here. The PPs talking about showing a woman the back of your hand or "letting" your wife stay home are scary. I hope my daughter never runs across a man like this.

OP, there's a lot going on with you too. Your wife sounds shallow. What surprises me is that you're surprised. You say you don't care whether she works. That's a shallow relationship. Your wife's growth, ambition, and contributions aren't meaningful to you and it sounds like you two are on the same page about that -- which is why she's griping like a teenager with a zit on prom night. You both saw her as a pretty housewife and her status as that is now uncertain.

So please form an opinion.

My opinion- and I'm not married to you, so it's not too relevant-- is that she doesn't want a nanny or after care because she's afraid to find out that this is just as good as having her at home and her ten years out of the work force weren't 100% necessary. I'm not saying this is rational, but it's how an insecure person operates. And your wife is certainly insecure.

Since your compliments mean so little to her, try a little criticism: honey, you are complaining about shallow and unchangeable things. You could have whatever you want -- fulfillment through education, work, volunteering, or an avocation -- but m you seem to want only to be told you're younger than you are. I've got a job, we've got kids, and this is a marriage. Be the other adult in the marriage already. You're being tiresome and self absorbed. Try to imagine someone else's needs.

See how she responds to being spoken to like an adult rather than a moody teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much going on here. The PPs talking about showing a woman the back of your hand or "letting" your wife stay home are scary. I hope my daughter never runs across a man like this.

OP, there's a lot going on with you too. Your wife sounds shallow. What surprises me is that you're surprised. You say you don't care whether she works. That's a shallow relationship. Your wife's growth, ambition, and contributions aren't meaningful to you and it sounds like you two are on the same page about that -- which is why she's griping like a teenager with a zit on prom night. You both saw her as a pretty housewife and her status as that is now uncertain.

So please form an opinion.

My opinion- and I'm not married to you, so it's not too relevant-- is that she doesn't want a nanny or after care because she's afraid to find out that this is just as good as having her at home and her ten years out of the work force weren't 100% necessary. I'm not saying this is rational, but it's how an insecure person operates. And your wife is certainly insecure.

Since your compliments mean so little to her, try a little criticism: honey, you are complaining about shallow and unchangeable things. You could have whatever you want -- fulfillment through education, work, volunteering, or an avocation -- but m you seem to want only to be told you're younger than you are. I've got a job, we've got kids, and this is a marriage. Be the other adult in the marriage already. You're being tiresome and self absorbed. Try to imagine someone else's needs.

See how she responds to being spoken to like an adult rather than a moody teenager.

Serious question - would any woman really respond to that? Wouldn't the husband be sealing his death with those harsh comments?

[Anonymous]

^^pp here. I wouldn't always recommend that but OP's wife has her head so far up her arse that I don't think anything but really direct criticism would do it.

I actually think adult relationships call for this sometimes.

My best friend called me out recently. I was complaining about my husband and she said "I'm going to stop you right there. It's you. Yes, Larlo is a slob but you married someone who doesn't take care of himself, you knew it, and this is what you did with boyfriends A, B, and C. The constant is you."

And that's why she's my best friend. Because she doesn't blow smoke up my butt-- she tells the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did the op really post that he thinks his wife needs positive male attention/affirmation and believes she could flirt more if she had a job?!?!

Um, WTF?

Where do you work, OP? The early 1960s?

Women don't get jobs to flirt. And normal women--even dinosaurs like me in their (gasp!) early 40s--don't require "positive affirmations from flirting with strange men" to stave off a midlife crisis.

Stop making excuses for her. This most certainly is NOT normal aging female behavior.

I'm an early 40s woman and think this is very normal behavior. It hit me out of the blue. Since I work, work is the most likely place for getting that validation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the op really post that he thinks his wife needs positive male attention/affirmation and believes she could flirt more if she had a job?!?!

Um, WTF?

Where do you work, OP? The early 1960s?

Women don't get jobs to flirt. And normal women--even dinosaurs like me in their (gasp!) early 40s--don't require "positive affirmations from flirting with strange men" to stave off a midlife crisis.

Stop making excuses for her. This most certainly is NOT normal aging female behavior.

I'm an early 40s woman and think this is very normal behavior. It hit me out of the blue. Since I work, work is the most likely place for getting that validation.

+1

[Anonymous]

to OP - I think most early-mid 40-'s SAHM's go through this but your wife may be taking it to an extreme. We'd like to look 30 and we don't feel as needed at home when our kids are gone 9-3. She sounds awfully low on the self-worth scale and she may benefit from some professional advice. Getting a job or volunteering may help fill in the hours but the looks issue is a tough one to deal with. I'd try to get her some help.

[Anonymous]

I'd suggest therapy OP.

[Anonymous]

How's the sex?