Wife having mid-life crisis and not sure how to respond

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are you doing to make her know you still desire her? What I would want in this situation is for my husband to start courting me again. Surprise her with exciting weekends away. Show interest in HER interests. Arrange date nights. Bring flowers. Get her drunk and have outrageous sex like young people have. Not married people "oh we haven't done it in a week so might as well get it over with" sex.

At the same time, encourage her to develop a new interest or occupation outside of the children.

This is a good idea. Give her the excitement of a new affair with YOU so that she doesn't look elsewhere for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are you doing to make her know you still desire her? What I would want in this situation is for my husband to start courting me again. Surprise her with exciting weekends away. Show interest in HER interests. Arrange date nights. Bring flowers. Get her drunk and have outrageous sex like young people have. Not married people "oh we haven't done it in a week so might as well get it over with" sex.

At the same time, encourage her to develop a new interest or occupation outside of the children.

This is a good idea. Give her the excitement of a new affair with YOU so that she doesn't look elsewhere for it.

Other cultures, such as French women, do not fetishize sheer youth for the sake of youth. They believe in aging gracefully, that each age has its own beauty, and that a woman is not truly a woman until she is in her 40's. Maybe a trip to France is in order? She needs new models of aging to counterract her rigid beliefs. Or maybe an antidepressant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think at some point it hits us all that we are getting older. The time does come when we don't get carded or realize that we're not really turning heads the way that we used to.

It's a reality that we all face and I don't know that it is ever a welcome reality. In fact, it's a bit of a blow to the ego. And you have to adjust the way that you view yourself.

I suppose you can go the botox, lipo, boob job, tummy tuck route - whatever it takes to hold on to your youth for a little while longer while you refocus and put your energy into things that mean something to you.

This runs counter to the media messages I've received that women dress to feel good about themselves and not to look good to others and that women don't like receiving unsolicited attention based on their looks.

I always figured these messages were only half true and that women usually wanted to look good and receive attention from attractive men and to be left alone and ignored by unattractive men.

This is true, lol. In my experience, women don't like obnoxious attention from men. Catcalls are gross. Obvious pickups can be gross, depending on what or how it is said. Subtle checking out or a smile, sending over a free drink, fine.

I'm a woman and I can admit this. Don't approach me and be weird but if I can just tell you're politely checking me out or you offer a low key compliment and then go away, I can appreciate that and like knowing someone finds me attractive .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to say this but if she's this bad off, she probably needs to go through the process of having an affair, waking up and realizing that trying to find personal happiness in others will never work, discovering that her marriage and family mean something to her, being newly grateful for said marriage, finding a vocation in volunteering or yoga which eventually leads to paid employment.

It's a cliche for a reason OP. If you love her, I'd recommend looking the other way while this goes on. You'll be better off when you're on the other side.

I disagree. An affair only makes matters about billion times worse. Then you not only get to deal with aging, you get to deal with the guilt of being a dishonorable person too.

Stay out of the bars.

A lot of people won't or can't learn except through their own experience.We can tell her till she's blue in the face that an affair won't help BUT that's not going to stop most women in this position. She's insecure and hurting and probably feeling her mortality in a real way for the first time. The passion and excitement of a new affair will feel like it's reviving her and make her feel young again. That's why people do it. That's why it's a cliche! Affairs do make things worse but they also have a way of clearing the decks and making you seeing reality clearly again. If a couple can hold on through the worst of it, their marriages typically emerge even stronger than before.

I think this is the worst advice ever. I'm in my early 40's, and I think I'm finally coming out of my mid-life crisis. For me it started when my kids weren't babies anymore, and I my job wasn't fulfilling. I was getting more attention because of my looks (finally not worn down by babies), but that paradoxically made me even more self-conscious about my looks and aging. I credit my husband with guiding me through this. He had made it absolutely clear that I'm the most important person to him, because I'm his partner. If I was being whiny or entitled, he called me out on it a way that was kind and concerned -- never judgmental or angry.

We all have various crises in life. Things change and we need to find our way. OP, I find your post touching, because it reminds me of how my DH helped me. Help her find meaning in ways that are not tied to youth or beauty. (Some have advised desperate attempts to cling to youth/beauty attractiveness -- i.e., botox, surgery, affairs -- these are the exact wrong ways for your DW to address her crisis.)

A job or helping others would be good for your DW. Wishing you and DW all the best, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all the helpful replies. To answer a couple of questions:

She was/is attractive, objectively speaking she is a 7/8 out of 10. I think part of the problem is she doesn't get a lot of positive male- affirmation on a day to day basis being a SAHM. And she isn't going to find it at the bar or restaurant scene dominated by the younger crowd, and she knows and understands that but now feels totally invisible. Men rarely get overtly hit on in public so we don't feel some acute loss of it mid-life. If she were working in an office, she would get flirted with. I try to keep it going at home, but her response is "you are supposed to find me attractive and say nice things, you are my husband." And yes, she is probably ripe for some mid-life affair, which would be nice to avoid, obviously.

She has mentioned botox repeatedly. If she wants it, have at it, as long as she doesn't turn into one of those weird looking reality show cat-women. It's hard for me to tell if she is aging normally or if she really does look old for her age; I live with her. I get that it would be disheartening to have people guess you are much older than you are.

I think she needs a career too, but herein lies the "problem" of being married to a wealthy man - we don't need the money, we do need someone other than me to pick up much of the domestic since I travel for work. I am fine hiring a nanny or doing extended care after school. She doesn't want that. She keeps looking for the perfect part time gig, but that doesn't exist in her field - you are either all in or not. It doesn't help we are in similar fields and she has no confidence having been out of the work force for 10 years while my career has done well.

I could probably arrange for her to get interviews within my network. But I am not sure if that is pushing too hard. If I am supposed to be supportive and encouraging or to "solve" the problem and get her a career. I also wonder if this is normal mid-life stuff or clinical depression, and I am not equipped to answer that, nor do I want my head ripped off for suggesting she has a chemical imbalance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the helpful replies. To answer a couple of questions:

She was/is attractive, objectively speaking she is a 7/8 out of 10. I think part of the problem is she doesn't get a lot of positive male- affirmation on a day to day basis being a SAHM. And she isn't going to find it at the bar or restaurant scene dominated by the younger crowd, and she knows and understands that but now feels totally invisible. Men rarely get overtly hit on in public so we don't feel some acute loss of it mid-life. If she were working in an office, she would get flirted with. I try to keep it going at home, but her response is "you are supposed to find me attractive and say nice things, you are my husband." And yes, she is probably ripe for some mid-life affair, which would be nice to avoid, obviously.

She has mentioned botox repeatedly. If she wants it, have at it, as long as she doesn't turn into one of those weird looking reality show cat-women. It's hard for me to tell if she is aging normally or if she really does look old for her age; I live with her. I get that it would be disheartening to have people guess you are much older than you are.

I think she needs a career too, but herein lies the "problem" of being married to a wealthy man - we don't need the money, we do need someone other than me to pick up much of the domestic since I travel for work. I am fine hiring a nanny or doing extended care after school. She doesn't want that. She keeps looking for the perfect part time gig, but that doesn't exist in her field - you are either all in or not. It doesn't help we are in similar fields and she has no confidence having been out of the work force for 10 years while my career has done well.

I could probably arrange for her to get interviews within my network. But I am not sure if that is pushing too hard. If I am supposed to be supportive and encouraging or to "solve" the problem and get her a career. I also wonder if this is normal mid-life stuff or clinical depression, and I am not equipped to answer that, nor do I want my head ripped off for suggesting she has a chemical imbalance.

Sounds like she needs to learn to appreciate what she has. A happy family, plenty of money and plenty of time. Most women would kill for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No shit! I just went to my 20th HS reunion and the men were a MESS. Fat, bald, and sloppy. Many of the women looked amazing. They were fit and made the men look like absolute pigs. It was pretty funny seeing how the former hot jock was not a bloated mess.

Their wallet size overcomes their "sloppiness." Tell me you knew.

Actually, the trim ones are usually the professionals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the helpful replies. To answer a couple of questions:

She was/is attractive, objectively speaking she is a 7/8 out of 10. I think part of the problem is she doesn't get a lot of positive male- affirmation on a day to day basis being a SAHM. And she isn't going to find it at the bar or restaurant scene dominated by the younger crowd, and she knows and understands that but now feels totally invisible. Men rarely get overtly hit on in public so we don't feel some acute loss of it mid-life. If she were working in an office, she would get flirted with. I try to keep it going at home, but her response is "you are supposed to find me attractive and say nice things, you are my husband." And yes, she is probably ripe for some mid-life affair, which would be nice to avoid, obviously.

She has mentioned botox repeatedly. If she wants it, have at it, as long as she doesn't turn into one of those weird looking reality show cat-women. It's hard for me to tell if she is aging normally or if she really does look old for her age; I live with her. I get that it would be disheartening to have people guess you are much older than you are.

I think she needs a career too, but herein lies the "problem" of being married to a wealthy man - we don't need the money, we do need someone other than me to pick up much of the domestic since I travel for work. I am fine hiring a nanny or doing extended care after school. She doesn't want that. She keeps looking for the perfect part time gig, but that doesn't exist in her field - you are either all in or not. It doesn't help we are in similar fields and she has no confidence having been out of the work force for 10 years while my career has done well.

I could probably arrange for her to get interviews within my network. But I am not sure if that is pushing too hard. If I am supposed to be supportive and encouraging or to "solve" the problem and get her a career. I also wonder if this is normal mid-life stuff or clinical depression, and I am not equipped to answer that, nor do I want my head ripped off for suggesting she has a chemical imbalance.

This is a problem. She shouldn't be taking you for granted in this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There's some, like 13 year old boy, or gross, fat 50 year old man, who always posts this. I hope you have a daughter, or eventually have a daughter, who can learn from you that she's worthless.

This is why I teach my daughter to hit the books, excel in school and not rely on men to validate her self-esteem.

An involved father is also important to develop a young woman's self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the helpful replies. To answer a couple of questions:

She was/is attractive, objectively speaking she is a 7/8 out of 10. I think part of the problem is she doesn't get a lot of positive male- affirmation on a day to day basis being a SAHM. And she isn't going to find it at the bar or restaurant scene dominated by the younger crowd, and she knows and understands that but now feels totally invisible. Men rarely get overtly hit on in public so we don't feel some acute loss of it mid-life. If she were working in an office, she would get flirted with. I try to keep it going at home, but her response is "you are supposed to find me attractive and say nice things, you are my husband." And yes, she is probably ripe for some mid-life affair, which would be nice to avoid, obviously.

She has mentioned botox repeatedly. If she wants it, have at it, as long as she doesn't turn into one of those weird looking reality show cat-women. It's hard for me to tell if she is aging normally or if she really does look old for her age; I live with her. I get that it would be disheartening to have people guess you are much older than you are.

I think she needs a career too, but herein lies the "problem" of being married to a wealthy man - we don't need the money, we do need someone other than me to pick up much of the domestic since I travel for work. I am fine hiring a nanny or doing extended care after school. She doesn't want that. She keeps looking for the perfect part time gig, but that doesn't exist in her field - you are either all in or not. It doesn't help we are in similar fields and she has no confidence having been out of the work force for 10 years while my career has done well.

I could probably arrange for her to get interviews within my network. But I am not sure if that is pushing too hard. If I am supposed to be supportive and encouraging or to "solve" the problem and get her a career. I also wonder if this is normal mid-life stuff or clinical depression, and I am not equipped to answer that, nor do I want my head ripped off for suggesting she has a chemical imbalance.

What did you think of a PP's idea to create the conditions of a new affair with her? To revive your relationship and get her over this transition. Whisk her away for adult only weekends, go out on dates more often (at least once a week), shower her with gifts like you would someone you were courting, do the things SHE wants to do, have drunk vacation sex, etc. I personally liked that idea, I wish my husband was posting on here and got that advice, lol.

I would also encourage her to take some community college classes and find a new hobby. If she's not going to go back to work full time because you don't need the money/do need help at home, at the very least she needs something to do during the day while the kids are in school. She needs a new hobby or volunteering gig.

[Anonymous]

NP here - nothing is sexier to me than a woman in her 40's who can be all Mom, yet embraces her sexuality. Most recover this after a divorce and they find their body, yet feel guilty they aren't there for their kids. Yummy to me being a divorced dad who doesn't have time to date either!

[Anonymous]

Hey, I'm a NP here. My advise is that this is her issue, not yours, and while it is nice for you to find a solution, I would recommend that you make her "feel heard." Listen to her talk, really listen to what she is saying, without offering a solution. It is hard because I am tempted to offer a solution and it is hard to contain the impulse.

I would avoid linking her up with a job. If she doesn't like it, she will blame you later.

She needs to do the "hard work" herself and figure out who she is, what makes her happy. This can be an area of tremendous growth and discovery.

Personally, I am someone who probably felt like a 3 out of 10 in the looks department (even if other people didn't think of me that way) and had such insecurity since when I was a kid that I aimed to have my self-esteem based on grades/education/learning/achievement, so on some level, now being in my 40s, I feel spared some of the "my looks are fading" issues of people who are 7 out of 10s or whatever.

Just be there for her. And let her find a good therapist to talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happens to vain sahms who relied on their looks and personalities to sustain them when they were younger. The rest of us, sahms who live a life of the mind, are not going through this.

That should be "vain or insecure women," whether they work outside the home or not.

[Anonymous]

And PP here - ignore the conversation about affairs/sexy weekends - I think that is a diversion from the issue at hand = which is needing to find self-love and meaning in the world - which isn't going to be arrived at with a superficial holiday or distraction, but with some hard work and therapy and getting to know herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the helpful replies. To answer a couple of questions:

She was/is attractive, objectively speaking she is a 7/8 out of 10. I think part of the problem is she doesn't get a lot of positive male- affirmation on a day to day basis being a SAHM. And she isn't going to find it at the bar or restaurant scene dominated by the younger crowd, and she knows and understands that but now feels totally invisible. Men rarely get overtly hit on in public so we don't feel some acute loss of it mid-life. If she were working in an office, she would get flirted with. I try to keep it going at home, but her response is "you are supposed to find me attractive and say nice things, you are my husband." And yes, she is probably ripe for some mid-life affair, which would be nice to avoid, obviously.

She has mentioned botox repeatedly. If she wants it, have at it, as long as she doesn't turn into one of those weird looking reality show cat-women. It's hard for me to tell if she is aging normally or if she really does look old for her age; I live with her. I get that it would be disheartening to have people guess you are much older than you are.

I think she needs a career too, but herein lies the "problem" of being married to a wealthy man - we don't need the money, we do need someone other than me to pick up much of the domestic since I travel for work. I am fine hiring a nanny or doing extended care after school. She doesn't want that. She keeps looking for the perfect part time gig, but that doesn't exist in her field - you are either all in or not. It doesn't help we are in similar fields and she has no confidence having been out of the work force for 10 years while my career has done well.

I could probably arrange for her to get interviews within my network. But I am not sure if that is pushing too hard. If I am supposed to be supportive and encouraging or to "solve" the problem and get her a career. I also wonder if this is normal mid-life stuff or clinical depression, and I am not equipped to answer that, nor do I want my head ripped off for suggesting she has a chemical imbalance.

It's probably too early to arrange interviews but she needs a career not a job and not a part job. The reason is that she needs purpose not money. Part time jobs are for money. She is better of taking an unpaid competitive internship than well payed part time job.