Need help in how to deal with a social situation from sons school

[Anonymous]

It's just dinner. If the parents of my son's friends invited me to dinner, I would definitely go, unless they had done something really awful to me (not just petty or not warm as OP described). I think there is value in knowing a bit about the families of the kids that your child spends time with, and so I would do it for that reason. I wouldn't go into it expecting these people to become close friends, you're just getting to know a bit about them, and maybe they'll have some interesting stories to tell or things to talk about for one evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you've worked yourself into a tizzy over feeling snubbed -- as opposed actually BEING snubbed -- and a lot of this is really just silly thinking in your head. You don't describe any actual hostile behavior, so your reaction to solicitations now seems rather ... petty. It's almost like you believe snubbing these people now would be some form of retribution. It's very strange and not a healthy way to think. I'm with your husband -- nothing ventured, nothing gained. You won't even venture.

I agree. It's a dangerous game to guess what is going on in people's heads. You are usually wrong. I always try to assume the best of people's intentions. If you do that - that they really are interested in getting to know YOU and they are doing the best they can, then why not go? Maybe they recognize your supers parenting and want to know how you do that? wouldn't sharing that be a good thing?

Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, of course we don't know the full story, but nothing you wrote so far indicates that these women have been rude or exclusionary toward you. They just look different and have more money. But that alone doesn't really make people mean or unworthy of knowing. Do you HAVE to have friends that only make within 10% of what you're making? It's perfectly possible to be friends with people who are in different life circumstances. I honestly feel that you are prejudging them and not opening up to a possibility of actually finding a connection there. You might enjoy their company but you've already closed your mind. Reconsider?

On the connection note, I'm sure you know that the most value of private schools, apart from education, is in the social networks people form there, which can sustain themselves throughout their lives, college, first jobs, second jobs, professional networks etc. Would it really be so bad for your son if you made an effort to integrate yourself into the social network dimension of private school? You never know when these connections may come up handy.

I think it was both rude and exclusionary to reschedule their own in-group birthday gathering for the time when OP was having her own meet-up, and then change all their own RSVPs to her party from yes to no. Once you've RSVP'd to a party, you don't change your RSVP because a "better" party comes along. SO rude. SO mean. SO unkind. Who would want to be friends with people like that, except for social ladder climbing?

[Anonymous]

From Emily Post's guide to RSVPs (for those of you who think these ladies did nothing wrong and are just little kittens wanting to be OPs true friend):

Changing a ‘yes’ to a ‘no’ is only acceptable on account of: illness or injury, a death in the family or an unavoidable professional or business conflict. Call your hosts immediately.
Canceling because you have a “better” offer is a sure fire way to get dropped from ALL the guest lists.

http://emilypost.com/advice/invitation-etiquette/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, of course we don't know the full story, but nothing you wrote so far indicates that these women have been rude or exclusionary toward you. They just look different and have more money. But that alone doesn't really make people mean or unworthy of knowing. Do you HAVE to have friends that only make within 10% of what you're making? It's perfectly possible to be friends with people who are in different life circumstances. I honestly feel that you are prejudging them and not opening up to a possibility of actually finding a connection there. You might enjoy their company but you've already closed your mind. Reconsider?

On the connection note, I'm sure you know that the most value of private schools, apart from education, is in the social networks people form there, which can sustain themselves throughout their lives, college, first jobs, second jobs, professional networks etc. Would it really be so bad for your son if you made an effort to integrate yourself into the social network dimension of private school? You never know when these connections may come up handy.

I think it was both rude and exclusionary to reschedule their own in-group birthday gathering for the time when OP was having her own meet-up, and then change all their own RSVPs to her party from yes to no. Once you've RSVP'd to a party, you don't change your RSVP because a "better" party comes along. SO rude. SO mean. SO unkind. Who would want to be friends with people like that, except for social ladder climbing?

The way I read it was that OP invited people over for a casual coffee get together and the birthday luncheon was changed to the same day and time.

The birthday lunch had to be rescheduled for whatever reason (illness, who knows?) and it fell on the same day as OP's coffee gathering.

If it was you, and you had intended to go to a birthday lunch for a close friend that got rescheduled because someone was ill or child was ill, you are telling me you would skip a birthday lunch (once a year) to go to coffee? You already RSVP'd "yes" to a luncheon that got rescheduled. I can't say that I think this is a huge deal.

Also it happened 4 years ago and OP is still hanging onto that as her big slight.

[Anonymous]

I think it was both rude and exclusionary to reschedule their own in-group birthday gathering for the time when OP was having her own meet-up, and then change all their own RSVPs to her party from yes to no. Once you've RSVP'd to a party, you don't change your RSVP because a "better" party comes along. SO rude. SO mean. SO unkind. Who would want to be friends with people like that, except for social ladder climbing?

Yeah, it was definitely rude if that happened, but I don't think the point of going to the dinner is really to become good friends with these people. It's to form some relationship with and learn a bit more about her son's friends' parents. If my parents had done that for me (any my friends' parents had done that for them) it would have been a good thing for us and helped keep us out of trouble.

[Anonymous]

^. I would do it for DC's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm annoyed by all the posters telling OP it's all in her head and she should go and these ladies are all really super nice. That is such bullshit. A lot of moms do make snap judgments about you by your appearance and if you don't fit in, you're out. Maybe it's subconscious, but it happens. And god forbid if you're an introvert or live more simply or -- the horror! -- both.

I also think that if one of the ladies you invited to your gathering switched the time of her birthday luncheon to specifically conflict with your event, that was incredibly rude. If it was a woman you didn't invite who didn't know about your event, that's one thing, but if one of your invitees switched the time of their own event to coincide with yours, whoa lady, that's really rude and mean. I would not go to her house or associate with her now if she was offering us free vacations at her beach estate. Why not? Because she is mean and thoughtless in a clutch. Why would I *want* to invite someone like that into my life? That would be crazy.

Frankly, I would feel some of that about the ladies who changed their RSVP as well, if they did not send you a note expressing regret or saying they'd like to try to try to do something with you another time. Changing your RSVP from yes to no BECAUSE OF A COMPETING PARTY is terribly bad manners and exclusionary. When all six of them changed their RSVP from yes to no, what exactly did they think you would feel? Like maybe you wouldn't notice? They acted like a wolf pack and thought they were above recrimination because I guess your feelings didn't rate to them.

So OP, unlike most of these other posters, I totally feel you and I wouldn't want to go to this party either, and I'd be frustrated that I couldn't explain the subtleties of the exclusionary stuff they had already done to me well enough (or that my DH just didn't care in the same way) for my DH to take my side.

If this party was being held by the woman who changed her birthday lunch time to coincide with mine, there's just no way I'd go and frankly I really wouldn't want my husband to go and become best buddies with her, either. I'd explain it to DH in terms of that party: "DH, at a time when I was new to the school and was trying hard to make friends, I scheduled a gathering for this day and time and many people from this groups said they'd come, but then this woman changed her party time to conflict with my event. She had an invite to my gathering and had even already said she'd come, and then she changed it and she and 6 of her friends then decided not to come without any explanation or apology or trying to schedule something with me later. I think that was really hurtful and I don't really want to be around these people, I don't trust them not to do hurtful things to either of us in the future based on what they've already done. It's too "Mean Girls" for me, I don't want to get involved with people like that. I don't understand why YOU would want to."

Good luck, OP!

Actually OP didn't say that the person throwing the luncheon was invited to her home. She said some of the guests she invited went to this luncheon instead that had been rescheduled for the same day.

I'm picturing a scenario where the luncheon was supposed to be on Sundsy, the hosts child is throwing up or something and she has to cancel, and scrambles to try to reschedule for Weds. That Weds happens to be when OP's coffee gathering was. The women have to choose between grabbing coffee at OP's house which can happen any time or going to the birthday lunch for a friend on a once a year birthday.
If it was a close friend and a 40th bday and I had a gift, yes I would probably attend the lunch I originally RSVP'd "yes" to and assume OP would do coffee again.
I'm not saying it's a great situation but it falls under the category of "that's life".
And this was 4 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, of course we don't know the full story, but nothing you wrote so far indicates that these women have been rude or exclusionary toward you. They just look different and have more money. But that alone doesn't really make people mean or unworthy of knowing. Do you HAVE to have friends that only make within 10% of what you're making? It's perfectly possible to be friends with people who are in different life circumstances. I honestly feel that you are prejudging them and not opening up to a possibility of actually finding a connection there. You might enjoy their company but you've already closed your mind. Reconsider?

On the connection note, I'm sure you know that the most value of private schools, apart from education, is in the social networks people form there, which can sustain themselves throughout their lives, college, first jobs, second jobs, professional networks etc. Would it really be so bad for your son if you made an effort to integrate yourself into the social network dimension of private school? You never know when these connections may come up handy.

I think it was both rude and exclusionary to reschedule their own in-group birthday gathering for the time when OP was having her own meet-up, and then change all their own RSVPs to her party from yes to no. Once you've RSVP'd to a party, you don't change your RSVP because a "better" party comes along. SO rude. SO mean. SO unkind. Who would want to be friends with people like that, except for social ladder climbing?

The way I read it was that OP invited people over for a casual coffee get together and the birthday luncheon was changed to the same day and time.

The birthday lunch had to be rescheduled for whatever reason (illness, who knows?) and it fell on the same day as OP's coffee gathering.

If it was you, and you had intended to go to a birthday lunch for a close friend that got rescheduled because someone was ill or child was ill, you are telling me you would skip a birthday lunch (once a year) to go to coffee? You already RSVP'd "yes" to a luncheon that got rescheduled. I can't say that I think this is a huge deal.

Also it happened 4 years ago and OP is still hanging onto that as her big slight.

Wow. Six or seven of these ladies cancelled out on OP's coffee two days before it was supposed to happen because one of those ladies moved her birthday lunch. None of them apparently made real apologies or any effort to do something nice for OP or get together with her another time (because I'm sure that would have meant the world to OP and she would remember it), and her coffee went from a party of about 10 to a party of 3???

If this had actually happened to you after you had tried and failed many times to reach out to these ladies, I don't think you'd be so blase about it. NBD my foot.

[Anonymous]

OP, just graciously accept the invitation and take a relaxing bath before. You have obviously done a good job with your kid, perhaps causing the other parents to have warmed up to you. It doesn't matter, and your husband has the right spirit about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm annoyed by all the posters telling OP it's all in her head and she should go and these ladies are all really super nice. That is such bullshit. A lot of moms do make snap judgments about you by your appearance and if you don't fit in, you're out. Maybe it's subconscious, but it happens. And god forbid if you're an introvert or live more simply or -- the horror! -- both.

I also think that if one of the ladies you invited to your gathering switched the time of her birthday luncheon to specifically conflict with your event, that was incredibly rude. If it was a woman you didn't invite who didn't know about your event, that's one thing, but if one of your invitees switched the time of their own event to coincide with yours, whoa lady, that's really rude and mean. I would not go to her house or associate with her now if she was offering us free vacations at her beach estate. Why not? Because she is mean and thoughtless in a clutch. Why would I *want* to invite someone like that into my life? That would be crazy.

Frankly, I would feel some of that about the ladies who changed their RSVP as well, if they did not send you a note expressing regret or saying they'd like to try to try to do something with you another time. Changing your RSVP from yes to no BECAUSE OF A COMPETING PARTY is terribly bad manners and exclusionary. When all six of them changed their RSVP from yes to no, what exactly did they think you would feel? Like maybe you wouldn't notice? They acted like a wolf pack and thought they were above recrimination because I guess your feelings didn't rate to them.

So OP, unlike most of these other posters, I totally feel you and I wouldn't want to go to this party either, and I'd be frustrated that I couldn't explain the subtleties of the exclusionary stuff they had already done to me well enough (or that my DH just didn't care in the same way) for my DH to take my side.

If this party was being held by the woman who changed her birthday lunch time to coincide with mine, there's just no way I'd go and frankly I really wouldn't want my husband to go and become best buddies with her, either. I'd explain it to DH in terms of that party: "DH, at a time when I was new to the school and was trying hard to make friends, I scheduled a gathering for this day and time and many people from this groups said they'd come, but then this woman changed her party time to conflict with my event. She had an invite to my gathering and had even already said she'd come, and then she changed it and she and 6 of her friends then decided not to come without any explanation or apology or trying to schedule something with me later. I think that was really hurtful and I don't really want to be around these people, I don't trust them not to do hurtful things to either of us in the future based on what they've already done. It's too "Mean Girls" for me, I don't want to get involved with people like that. I don't understand why YOU would want to."

Good luck, OP!

Actually OP didn't say that the person throwing the luncheon was invited to her home. She said some of the guests she invited went to this luncheon instead that had been rescheduled for the same day.

I'm picturing a scenario where the luncheon was supposed to be on Sundsy, the hosts child is throwing up or something and she has to cancel, and scrambles to try to reschedule for Weds. That Weds happens to be when OP's coffee gathering was. The women have to choose between grabbing coffee at OP's house which can happen any time or going to the birthday lunch for a friend on a once a year birthday.
If it was a close friend and a 40th bday and I had a gift, yes I would probably attend the lunch I originally RSVP'd "yes" to and assume OP would do coffee again.
I'm not saying it's a great situation but it falls under the category of "that's life".
And this was 4 years ago.

You have really scrambled to interpret this situation as positively as possible. When I read "birthday luncheon" I don't think child's birthday party, I think birthday lunch at a restaurant for one of the moms. Maybe that's why I have such a much more negative spin than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, of course we don't know the full story, but nothing you wrote so far indicates that these women have been rude or exclusionary toward you. They just look different and have more money. But that alone doesn't really make people mean or unworthy of knowing. Do you HAVE to have friends that only make within 10% of what you're making? It's perfectly possible to be friends with people who are in different life circumstances. I honestly feel that you are prejudging them and not opening up to a possibility of actually finding a connection there. You might enjoy their company but you've already closed your mind. Reconsider?

On the connection note, I'm sure you know that the most value of private schools, apart from education, is in the social networks people form there, which can sustain themselves throughout their lives, college, first jobs, second jobs, professional networks etc. Would it really be so bad for your son if you made an effort to integrate yourself into the social network dimension of private school? You never know when these connections may come up handy.

I think it was both rude and exclusionary to reschedule their own in-group birthday gathering for the time when OP was having her own meet-up, and then change all their own RSVPs to her party from yes to no. Once you've RSVP'd to a party, you don't change your RSVP because a "better" party comes along. SO rude. SO mean. SO unkind. Who would want to be friends with people like that, except for social ladder climbing?

The way I read it was that OP invited people over for a casual coffee get together and the birthday luncheon was changed to the same day and time.

The birthday lunch had to be rescheduled for whatever reason (illness, who knows?) and it fell on the same day as OP's coffee gathering.

If it was you, and you had intended to go to a birthday lunch for a close friend that got rescheduled because someone was ill or child was ill, you are telling me you would skip a birthday lunch (once a year) to go to coffee? You already RSVP'd "yes" to a luncheon that got rescheduled. I can't say that I think this is a huge deal.

Also it happened 4 years ago and OP is still hanging onto that as her big slight.

Wow. Six or seven of these ladies cancelled out on OP's coffee two days before it was supposed to happen because one of those ladies moved her birthday lunch. None of them apparently made real apologies or any effort to do something nice for OP or get together with her another time (because I'm sure that would have meant the world to OP and she would remember it), and her coffee went from a party of about 10 to a party of 3???

If this had actually happened to you after you had tried and failed many times to reach out to these ladies, I don't think you'd be so blase about it. NBD my foot.

The lady who moved the birthday lunch was not one of the invitees to OP's house. See above.
She mentioned
1. A general feeling of not being welcomed, unfriendly behavior with vague explanations of looks and a feeling she had
2. This coffee thing that was 4 year ago

It's ridiculous. She didn't "try and try" and fail many times. She got into a snit after the coffee thing and that was it. I'm just saying that OP needs a little self reflection on her expectations and part in this.
To be this mad and say "I give up they are all horrible" is not a good way to live.
And she never said what happened to the few that did come. Why is that?
Maybe they are running around taking about how 4 year ago they went to coffee at someone's house that was pining for the people who didn't go the whole time and haven't been invited back. And blaming it on how ill-mannered poorer people at the privates are.
It's just as ridiculous

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm annoyed by all the posters telling OP it's all in her head and she should go and these ladies are all really super nice. That is such bullshit. A lot of moms do make snap judgments about you by your appearance and if you don't fit in, you're out. Maybe it's subconscious, but it happens. And god forbid if you're an introvert or live more simply or -- the horror! -- both.

I also think that if one of the ladies you invited to your gathering switched the time of her birthday luncheon to specifically conflict with your event, that was incredibly rude. If it was a woman you didn't invite who didn't know about your event, that's one thing, but if one of your invitees switched the time of their own event to coincide with yours, whoa lady, that's really rude and mean. I would not go to her house or associate with her now if she was offering us free vacations at her beach estate. Why not? Because she is mean and thoughtless in a clutch. Why would I *want* to invite someone like that into my life? That would be crazy.

Frankly, I would feel some of that about the ladies who changed their RSVP as well, if they did not send you a note expressing regret or saying they'd like to try to try to do something with you another time. Changing your RSVP from yes to no BECAUSE OF A COMPETING PARTY is terribly bad manners and exclusionary. When all six of them changed their RSVP from yes to no, what exactly did they think you would feel? Like maybe you wouldn't notice? They acted like a wolf pack and thought they were above recrimination because I guess your feelings didn't rate to them.

So OP, unlike most of these other posters, I totally feel you and I wouldn't want to go to this party either, and I'd be frustrated that I couldn't explain the subtleties of the exclusionary stuff they had already done to me well enough (or that my DH just didn't care in the same way) for my DH to take my side.

If this party was being held by the woman who changed her birthday lunch time to coincide with mine, there's just no way I'd go and frankly I really wouldn't want my husband to go and become best buddies with her, either. I'd explain it to DH in terms of that party: "DH, at a time when I was new to the school and was trying hard to make friends, I scheduled a gathering for this day and time and many people from this groups said they'd come, but then this woman changed her party time to conflict with my event. She had an invite to my gathering and had even already said she'd come, and then she changed it and she and 6 of her friends then decided not to come without any explanation or apology or trying to schedule something with me later. I think that was really hurtful and I don't really want to be around these people, I don't trust them not to do hurtful things to either of us in the future based on what they've already done. It's too "Mean Girls" for me, I don't want to get involved with people like that. I don't understand why YOU would want to."

Good luck, OP!

Actually OP didn't say that the person throwing the luncheon was invited to her home. She said some of the guests she invited went to this luncheon instead that had been rescheduled for the same day.

I'm picturing a scenario where the luncheon was supposed to be on Sundsy, the hosts child is throwing up or something and she has to cancel, and scrambles to try to reschedule for Weds. That Weds happens to be when OP's coffee gathering was. The women have to choose between grabbing coffee at OP's house which can happen any time or going to the birthday lunch for a friend on a once a year birthday.
If it was a close friend and a 40th bday and I had a gift, yes I would probably attend the lunch I originally RSVP'd "yes" to and assume OP would do coffee again.
I'm not saying it's a great situation but it falls under the category of "that's life".
And this was 4 years ago.

You have really scrambled to interpret this situation as positively as possible. When I read "birthday luncheon" I don't think child's birthday party, I think birthday lunch at a restaurant for one of the moms. Maybe that's why I have such a much more negative spin than you.

?
I interpreted it the same way as you.
If one of my kids became really ill the day I was supposed to host a luncheon I would have to cancel. I'm not leaving a vomiting fevery toddler or having people to my home with a child with the flu.

It's just as possible this is what happened rather than OP's version she has hung onto

[Anonymous]

^^nevertheless it's good to see how there are many possible circumstances, reasons and situations why people do what they do versus "all these rich people are awful"


That's all

[Anonymous]

The lady who moved her luncheon may very well have been one of the women who had RSVP'd to OP's party. Read OP's post again:

I also had invited a group of them to my home for coffee the second year I was there to reach out one more time and most said yes but 2 days before one of them changed a bday luncheon to which many of them were invited and about 6 or 7 of them cancelled on me to attend the luncheon. The only ones that did come were not invited or part of that circle.

It's not totally clear from OP's post whether the person who moved their lunch date was invited to OP's house, but it's certainly possible that she was among the group "of them" that OP invited to her house. In which case, SO, SO RUDE.

And even if it was a different woman, for 7 women to cancel out of a coffee at your house 2 days before to attend another event is also really, really rude. Did not one of these 7 women think to say to the hostess, oh actually I and a few others have another commitment at that time, would you consider thinking about another time of day? And did not one of them make amends or another date with OP? It's just RUDE, especially since they knew OP was new to the school and easily should have realized she was trying to make friends. Where were their brains or consideration for someone besides themselves or their own inner circle. Just so thoughtless and rude.

DO NOT WANT.