Need help in how to deal with a social situation from sons school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we started at my youngest kids private 6 years ago I remember feeling totally overwhelmed. I walked into a first parent meeting and I swear everyone seemed like they were 6 feet tall, blond, skinny in yoga pants, pretty and of course educated. I am short, average weight, brunette, attractive but not gorgeous and the education part is about the only thing we had in common. I don't mean every one of them was a Rhodes scholar but they all seemed to give off the vibe that they were "all that".

Eventually I overcame my insecurities and through my son met a number of nice women, a few more down to earth ones who I naturally gravitated towards and became quite friendly with. Never totally felt like I fit it with most of the parents there as they are a certain way, but my son thrived so that was good enough for me. This is a top private and a bunch of very important families attend, i am not really that impressed by that but most are and there are plenty of brown nosers running amok .

This entire time I kind of did my own thing, attended parent events when I had to, rarely got invited to social events but went to the few that we were invited to. Everyone was nice enough but I never felt part of that inner circle, which was OK I guess.

Fast forward to high school where my son has excelled as an athlete and student. He is by most definitions, a very popular boy and "the golden child" of his grade as his teacher refers to him, she says the other parents use him as the example to their own kids. I was not a popular kid but my husband was according to him and his family which might explain our differneces-

We are happy to see him doing so well. I have seen a shift ever so subtly but unmistakably a trend of major warming up by those very same parents who were just "nice enough" now wanting to be friends with us, inviting us for social events, all because of my son and his relationship with their kids. It is so obvious as he is kind of the ring leader of many of their kids and they naturally want to know more about him/us. Its almost like we have been invisible for 6 years and now they see us.

The thing is I want no part of it. I am content with how things are. My son will graduate in 2 years and we will all go our separate ways, once he is out of the picture they will not give us a second thought. My H however feels like we should make more of an effort and make the best of it while we are there. We are at odds. I realize this is a very condensed version of the story...but wondering what you think?

We are invited as an example to a dinner by one of these parents in 2 weeks, I don't want to go, he does. Last time we were with that group I felt so out of my league and like a total outcast, but I have also gotten use to this and am really fine with it. Do I go again to appease my husband or stand my ground or let him go on his own?

don't, your instincts are correct.

Friendships based on your children evaporate.

Concentrate your efforts on maintaining friendships with people that care about you and your husband , just for being you.

[Anonymous]

So put these pretenses on to socialize when I know full well when my son graduates, they will not give us the time of day

Good grief, the parents at my son's school are very nice people, but I don't expect to keep hanging out with them after my son graduates. It's a friendly relationship based on kids with common interests in a common situation, but not a true friendship. That's nothing to be angry about. It's not reasonable to expect to form a deep bond with someone just because your kids hang out - its nice if it happens, but not to be expected. Doesn't mean you can't occasionally do dinner or coffee with them. I don't reserve those activities for only my closest friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As i said this was a very condensed version- we are clearly not alike and that is totally fine! They are into luxury, I am not. They all travel together to their second and third homes, we have one home. Their kids have the best of everything, my son has the best of a few things, they live in multi million dollar homes we live in a home that is lovely but not on that level. They belong to CC club and we belong to a local pool club. Bottom line is we ARE different, it is not my imagination.

So put these pretenses on to socialize when I know full well when my son graduates, they will not give us the time of day. And you know what? It is fine, really it is. I have a few very good friends who I adore, who are intelluectlal and interesting and accomplished and we have a great time together. I don't need to pretend with these parents from his sh cool. I just don't see the point, it would be an act not the fostering of a genuine friendship.

What struck me about your posts is that everything you describe is material and superficial. You really don't know anything about these people and I've not seen anything to indicate that they've been rude or standoffish to you. Their houses, their cars, their CC memberships don't define who they are any more than your lack of these things define who you are. Can you really not find anything in common with them?And, to say they wouldn't give you the time of day after graduation?! How do you know? You may not be in the same social circles but I doubt very much they'd snub you. I also doubt that they're looking to develop a genuine friendship with you. Your kids spend a lot of time together and they just want to get to know their kids' friends' parents a little more. Totally normal.

You need to work on your mindset.

Sounds jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Play the game for the sake of your son. Treat the interactions like you would with coworkers in the workplace.

What "game" is being played?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we started at my youngest kids private 6 years ago I remember feeling totally overwhelmed. I walked into a first parent meeting and I swear everyone seemed like they were 6 feet tall, blond, skinny in yoga pants, pretty and of course educated. I am short, average weight, brunette, attractive but not gorgeous and the education part is about the only thing we had in common. I don't mean every one of them was a Rhodes scholar but they all seemed to give off the vibe that they were "all that".

Eventually I overcame my insecurities and through my son met a number of nice women, a few more down to earth ones who I naturally gravitated towards and became quite friendly with. Never totally felt like I fit it with most of the parents there as they are a certain way, but my son thrived so that was good enough for me. This is a top private and a bunch of very important families attend, i am not really that impressed by that but most are and there are plenty of brown nosers running amok .

This entire time I kind of did my own thing, attended parent events when I had to, rarely got invited to social events but went to the few that we were invited to. Everyone was nice enough but I never felt part of that inner circle, which was OK I guess.

Fast forward to high school where my son has excelled as an athlete and student. He is by most definitions, a very popular boy and "the golden child" of his grade as his teacher refers to him, she says the other parents use him as the example to their own kids. I was not a popular kid but my husband was according to him and his family which might explain our differneces-

We are happy to see him doing so well. I have seen a shift ever so subtly but unmistakably a trend of major warming up by those very same parents who were just "nice enough" now wanting to be friends with us, inviting us for social events, all because of my son and his relationship with their kids. It is so obvious as he is kind of the ring leader of many of their kids and they naturally want to know more about him/us. Its almost like we have been invisible for 6 years and now they see us.

The thing is I want no part of it. I am content with how things are. My son will graduate in 2 years and we will all go our separate ways, once he is out of the picture they will not give us a second thought. My H however feels like we should make more of an effort and make the best of it while we are there. We are at odds. I realize this is a very condensed version of the story...but wondering what you think?

We are invited as an example to a dinner by one of these parents in 2 weeks, I don't want to go, he does. Last time we were with that group I felt so out of my league and like a total outcast, but I have also gotten use to this and am really fine with it. Do I go again to appease my husband or stand my ground or let him go on his own?

don't, your instincts are correct.

Friendships based on your children evaporate.

Concentrate your efforts on maintaining friendships with people that care about you and your husband , just for being you.

This

[Anonymous]

I REALLY hate posts like this, where the OP asks for advice that she has already decided from the beginning she is not going to take.

If it's a vent, phrase it as a vent. Don't end your post with a question asking people's opinion and then argue with everyone who offers advice which does not align with what you have decided to do BEFORE you even posted.

Such as waste

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I REALLY hate posts like this, where the OP asks for advice that she has already decided from the beginning she is not going to take.

If it's a vent, phrase it as a vent. Don't end your post with a question asking people's opinion and then argue with everyone who offers advice which does not align with what you have decided to do BEFORE you even posted.

Such as waste

I am the OP and let me say this one more time. I came asking for advice, doing my best to lay out the scenario. I was curious as to what other women might say and YES actually if you took the time to read through the thread instead of making assumptions you would see in fact I DID take most peoples advice...did tell my H I will go despite not being overly thrilled, told him I am willing to give it a shot. So there!

[Anonymous]

did tell my H I will go despite not being overly thrilled, told him I am willing to give it a shot. So there!

Not the person you're responding to, but even though you agreed to go, it is clear from your posts that you have a lot of resentment towards these people and don't expect to have a good time. Try to go into it with an open mind and a positive attitude.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you're really projecting. Imagine in your head a different story, the story your dinner hosts are perhaps telling themselves.

"I met Larla years and ago, she she was very smart and really funny sometimes, but always seemed a little stand off-ish. A few times I asked I told her I was getting coffee and asked if she wanted to come and she just sort of stared at me, so I sort of surmised she wasn't that interested in being friends. But now that Bobby and Jimmy are hanging out so much, I'd like to get to know her better. We've invited them over for dinner but they are taking forever to get back to us, so I don't know. I don't think I have done anything to offend her but I am starting to worry."

[Anonymous]

OP, this is so much ado about nothing. If you don't feel like going, don't go. Decline politely. I don't see how this has anything to do with your son, or what advantages this may possibly give him. I agree with PPs, once DS graduates, the school and parents will be gone and forgotten about. So why worry about something that won't matter a bit in a couple of years?

I also don't appreciate how PPs try to chuck it up to jealousy, social anxiety, or some chip on OP's shoulder. Get a grip. Grown-ups have the power to choose what they do and who they hang out with. Do you accept every invitation that comes your way? Good for you then. Because if a person doesn't feel like hanging out with people who are not interesting to her or at least pleasant to be around, guess what, she doesn't have to. And yeah, it's absolutely normal and healthy. So put away your self-help books' advice, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we started at my youngest kids private 6 years ago I remember feeling totally overwhelmed. I walked into a first parent meeting and I swear everyone seemed like they were 6 feet tall, blond, skinny in yoga pants, pretty and of course educated. I am short, average weight, brunette, attractive but not gorgeous and the education part is about the only thing we had in common. I don't mean every one of them was a Rhodes scholar but they all seemed to give off the vibe that they were "all that".

Eventually I overcame my insecurities and through my son met a number of nice women, a few more down to earth ones who I naturally gravitated towards and became quite friendly with. Never totally felt like I fit it with most of the parents there as they are a certain way, but my son thrived so that was good enough for me. This is a top private and a bunch of very important families attend, i am not really that impressed by that but most are and there are plenty of brown nosers running amok .

This entire time I kind of did my own thing, attended parent events when I had to, rarely got invited to social events but went to the few that we were invited to. Everyone was nice enough but I never felt part of that inner circle, which was OK I guess.

Fast forward to high school where my son has excelled as an athlete and student. He is by most definitions, a very popular boy and "the golden child" of his grade as his teacher refers to him, she says the other parents use him as the example to their own kids. I was not a popular kid but my husband was according to him and his family which might explain our differneces-

We are happy to see him doing so well. I have seen a shift ever so subtly but unmistakably a trend of major warming up by those very same parents who were just "nice enough" now wanting to be friends with us, inviting us for social events, all because of my son and his relationship with their kids. It is so obvious as he is kind of the ring leader of many of their kids and they naturally want to know more about him/us. Its almost like we have been invisible for 6 years and now they see us.

The thing is I want no part of it. I am content with how things are. My son will graduate in 2 years and we will all go our separate ways, once he is out of the picture they will not give us a second thought. My H however feels like we should make more of an effort and make the best of it while we are there. We are at odds. I realize this is a very condensed version of the story...but wondering what you think?

We are invited as an example to a dinner by one of these parents in 2 weeks, I don't want to go, he does. Last time we were with that group I felt so out of my league and like a total outcast, but I have also gotten use to this and am really fine with it. Do I go again to appease my husband or stand my ground or let him go on his own?

don't, your instincts are correct.

Friendships based on your children evaporate.

Concentrate your efforts on maintaining friendships with people that care about you and your husband , just for being you.

This

We are talking about an invitation to dinner not a long bonded relationship.

[Anonymous]

With people like that I only play to them if there is something in it for me. I work and networking is an enormous part of my ability to suceed. If these people are anybody who can do anything for me, sure, I'll play. If not, I'll carry on with my life and my true friends.

They are shallow, so who cares. I'll treat them as such.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for details as to how you felt slighted… The changes a lot . And now knowing that I would say that I also would not make any gestures to initiate a friendship unless I had an ulterior motive, it doesn't sound like they did anything to extend any niceties to you . So why bother I ask? You've recognized that you're not crazy about them that they are not your cup of tea and you don't have much in common I completely disagree with so many suggesting that you go and grin and bear it. WHY?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I REALLY hate posts like this, where the OP asks for advice that she has already decided from the beginning she is not going to take.

If it's a vent, phrase it as a vent. Don't end your post with a question asking people's opinion and then argue with everyone who offers advice which does not align with what you have decided to do BEFORE you even posted.

Such as waste

I am the OP and let me say this one more time. I came asking for advice, doing my best to lay out the scenario. I was curious as to what other women might say and YES actually if you took the time to read through the thread instead of making assumptions you would see in fact I DID take most peoples advice...did tell my H I will go despite not being overly thrilled, told him I am willing to give it a shot. So there!

Good for you OP! It is bound to be interesting at the very minimum, and you will win brownie points with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Don't you have friends to ask for advice?