Need help in how to deal with a social situation from sons school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The lady who moved her luncheon may very well have been one of the women who had RSVP'd to OP's party. Read OP's post again:

I also had invited a group of them to my home for coffee the second year I was there to reach out one more time and most said yes but 2 days before one of them changed a bday luncheon to which many of them were invited and about 6 or 7 of them cancelled on me to attend the luncheon. The only ones that did come were not invited or part of that circle.

It's not totally clear from OP's post whether the person who moved their lunch date was invited to OP's house, but it's certainly possible that she was among the group "of them" that OP invited to her house. In which case, SO, SO RUDE.

And even if it was a different woman, for 7 women to cancel out of a coffee at your house 2 days before to attend another event is also really, really rude. Did not one of these 7 women think to say to the hostess, oh actually I and a few others have another commitment at that time, would you consider thinking about another time of day? And did not one of them make amends or another date with OP? It's just RUDE, especially since they knew OP was new to the school and easily should have realized she was trying to make friends. Where were their brains or consideration for someone besides themselves or their own inner circle. Just so thoughtless and rude.

DO NOT WANT.

That very well may be; however OP indicated this was the last time she invited anyone over (3-4 of them did show up. What about them? Were they rich too? Only the poor ones showed up? How does she explain away that?)
And to be upset about a casual "hey who wants to come over for coffee" that you are using it 4 years later to explain why you haven't socialized with anyone from school because they are all horrible rich people is bizarre and says a lot about Op's role in this.

[Anonymous]

The lady who moved her luncheon may very well have been one of the women who had RSVP'd to OP's party. Read OP's post again:

I also had invited a group of them to my home for coffee the second year I was there to reach out one more time and most said yes but 2 days before one of them changed a bday luncheon to which many of them were invited and about 6 or 7 of them cancelled on me to attend the luncheon. The only ones that did come were not invited or part of that circle.

It's not totally clear from OP's post whether the person who moved their lunch date was invited to OP's house, but it's certainly possible that she was among the group "of them" that OP invited to her house. In which case, SO, SO RUDE.

And even if it was a different woman, for 7 women to cancel out of a coffee at your house 2 days before to attend another event is also really, really rude. Did not one of these 7 women think to say to the hostess, oh actually I and a few others have another commitment at that time, would you consider thinking about another time of day? And did not one of them make amends or another date with OP? It's just RUDE, especially since they knew OP was new to the school and easily should have realized she was trying to make friends. Where were their brains or consideration for someone besides themselves or their own inner circle. Just so thoughtless and rude.

DO NOT WANT.

Yes it was certainly rude if this is what occurred, but your strong emotional response to it is completely disproportionate to a rude social situation that happened to an anonymous person on the internet 4 years earlier, and makes me question your stability.

[Anonymous]

The OP's son is cool with his mom not going and told her not to sweat it. Her son is already a popular guy, so he doesn't need his parents to help him raise his popularity quotient.

He did it on his own without superficial ladder climbing by his parents. Imagine that. Luv this!

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like me - an introvert, never really, truly feel comfortable and accepted in social situations.

Since your DH wants to go, I would go. Can you talk to him ahead of time about a game plan? I.e. that as your "escort", he will stay with you all night, or check in with you regularly, or agree to leave early, or whatever it is that you may need to feel comfortable?

You really have nothing to lose if you go.

[Anonymous]

That very well may be; however OP indicated this was the last time she invited anyone over (3-4 of them did show up. What about them? Were they rich too? Only the poor ones showed up? How does she explain away that?)
And to be upset about a casual "hey who wants to come over for coffee" that you are using it 4 years later to explain why you haven't socialized with anyone from school because they are all horrible rich people is bizarre and says a lot about Op's role in this.

I don't understand why you keep assuming that OP treated the parents who did show up to her coffee badly or never became friends with them. OP did say she made some friends at her son's school, just not members of that golden rich inner circle that is cozying up to her now:

Eventually I overcame my insecurities and through my son met a number of nice women, a few more down to earth ones who I naturally gravitated towards and became quite friendly with.

The coffee attempt was her last try at making friends with this one standoffish circle of women, not anyone at all from the school. And OP's decision to stop trying with this one circle was certainly not "bizarre." She had already tried making small talk several times with them at school events and they walked away, then they flaked out of her coffee at the last minute without apology or attempted friendly overture. You are totally making "Op's role in this" up in your head, because she tried and failed with these women and it sure doesn't seem like it was her fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That very well may be; however OP indicated this was the last time she invited anyone over (3-4 of them did show up. What about them? Were they rich too? Only the poor ones showed up? How does she explain away that?)
And to be upset about a casual "hey who wants to come over for coffee" that you are using it 4 years later to explain why you haven't socialized with anyone from school because they are all horrible rich people is bizarre and says a lot about Op's role in this.

I don't understand why you keep assuming that OP treated the parents who did show up to her coffee badly or never became friends with them. OP did say she made some friends at her son's school, just not members of that golden rich inner circle that is cozying up to her now:

Eventually I overcame my insecurities and through my son met a number of nice women, a few more down to earth ones who I naturally gravitated towards and became quite friendly with.

The coffee attempt was her last try at making friends with this one standoffish circle of women, not anyone at all from the school. And OP's decision to stop trying with this one circle was certainly not "bizarre." She had already tried making small talk several times with them at school events and they walked away, then they flaked out of her coffee at the last minute without apology or attempted friendly overture. You are totally making "Op's role in this" up in your head, because she tried and failed with these women and it sure doesn't seem like it was her fault.

I disagree.

[Anonymous]

Only as the kids have gotten older and my son has risen to the top (hate the term but its the only way to get the point across) have they suddenly taken notice and now because it's in THEIR best interest or they have something to gain because it serves them, are they suddenly mildly interested whereas they were rude and cold to me when I needed a friend the most (when I got there and knew no one), I also had invited a group of them to my home for coffee the second year I was there to reach out one more time and most said yes but 2 days before one of them changed a bday luncheon to which many of them were invited and about 6 or 7 of them cancelled on me to attend the luncheon. The only ones that did come were not invited or part of that circle.

OP First impressions are lasting ones. And that first impression has lasted for you. Probably they were not even thinking about you. But part of the point is that they were not thinking of you, even though they had accepted your invite. Rude. I am also a parent at a Big 3. All of our money is tied in a trust so we live simply. The other parents just think we are poor. So I know what you mean. And speaking of mean, some people just are. And some are just thoughtless.

The parents are not riding on your DS coat tails. What they are doing is checking you out. Are you suitable for their dear DCs? They want to know if your golden son is leading them down a dark and previously unknown path (one the parents are not aware of) It is not pleasant to be checked out that way. We have lived many places and have endured this many times. We just roll with it. Sometimes we become friends and some times not.

If there have been other incidents, I would say definitely NO. If not, its just dinner. But you have to get over your hurt feelings, at least for the duration of the dinner. Remember, it is perfectly OK if you decide you don't mesh with them after all. And most of the PP on this board have never been in a Big 3, CC, etc ect.
It is a bit boring to hear about the 2nd and 3rd houses after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we started at my youngest kids private 6 years ago I remember feeling totally overwhelmed. I walked into a first parent meeting and I swear everyone seemed like they were 6 feet tall, blond, skinny in yoga pants, pretty and of course educated. I am short, average weight, brunette, attractive but not gorgeous and the education part is about the only thing we had in common. I don't mean every one of them was a Rhodes scholar but they all seemed to give off the vibe that they were "all that".

Eventually I overcame my insecurities and through my son met a number of nice women, a few more down to earth ones who I naturally gravitated towards and became quite friendly with. Never totally felt like I fit it with most of the parents there as they are a certain way, but my son thrived so that was good enough for me. This is a top private and a bunch of very important families attend, i am not really that impressed by that but most are and there are plenty of brown nosers running amok quote]

OP, it sounds like the prejudice started with you, not with them. When one expects to be rejected, it tends to become a self fulfilling prophecy. I remember kids from school who were so sure that everyone else was snobby that they themselves were insufferable and ended up being shunned. I suspect this may have happened in your case. It sounds like now they are again reaching out to you. Give them a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we started at my youngest kids private 6 years ago I remember feeling totally overwhelmed. I walked into a first parent meeting and I swear everyone seemed like they were 6 feet tall, blond, skinny in yoga pants, pretty and of course educated. I am short, average weight, brunette, attractive but not gorgeous and the education part is about the only thing we had in common. I don't mean every one of them was a Rhodes scholar but they all seemed to give off the vibe that they were "all that".

Eventually I overcame my insecurities and through my son met a number of nice women, a few more down to earth ones who I naturally gravitated towards and became quite friendly with. Never totally felt like I fit it with most of the parents there as they are a certain way, but my son thrived so that was good enough for me. This is a top private and a bunch of very important families attend, i am not really that impressed by that but most are and there are plenty of brown nosers running amok.

l

OP, it sounds like the prejudice started with you, not with them. If you expect to be rejected it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. I remember kids from school who were so sure that everyone else was going to be snobby that they themselves ended up being insufferable. It sounds like they are again trying to reach out to you. Give them a chance.

[Anonymous]

^ Can't seem to fix that^.

[Anonymous]

Look. This is not life and death. Take a Valium, go and move on with the day to day. It's just not that important. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

OP I think they sound like a bunch of folks you probably don't want or need to spend time with.

If your husband needs to find this out first hand, maybe you should just go and let him see for himself.

[Anonymous]

Do people really have random valium just sitting around the house somewhere? Like, someone in your house has a prescription for valium for, what, your nerves?

I am still annoyed by the people in this thread who are basically gaslighting OP and telling her, e.g., the "prejudice started with you, not with them. If you expect to be rejected it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy." It's insulting. Whatever. No valium here, but I'll drink a little wine and mellow out.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP started the problem with these women, but I do think it is petty to continue to dwell on the slight from 4 years ago. They are the parents of her son's friends and her spouse wants to go. She's not agreeing to marry these people, she's agreeing to eat one meal with them. Go, give it a try, and if they aren't nice to you, don't get together with them again.

[Anonymous]

I am rolling my eyes at the mean girls on this thread who are trying to defend the insulting and exclusionary behavior of their ilk.

Sorry, ladies, we know better.

OP: I would be miserable at an event like this, but I am afraid I would have to advise you to go. If you don't, then the other parents might have a reason to gossip about you negatively, which is not good, either.