Need help in how to deal with a social situation from sons school

[Anonymous]

Ugh, too much drama. You are taking these people way too seriously. If your husband wants to go, accept the invite. Even if you don't wind up liking them, it'll probably give you and DH something to laugh/gossip about later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, too much drama. You are taking these people way too seriously. If your husband wants to go, accept the invite. Even if you don't wind up liking them, it'll probably give you and DH something to laugh/gossip about later.

Put on a mask and go with your husband. Then, on your way back home, take your mask off and live your life with minimum or no drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, too much drama. You are taking these people way too seriously. If your husband wants to go, accept the invite. Even if you don't wind up liking them, it'll probably give you and DH something to laugh/gossip about later.

OP, just put on a mask and go with your husband. Then, on your way back home, take your mask off and live your life with minimum or no drama.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need help.

[Anonymous]

Yikes, OP sounds exactly like the moms I try to avoid. The hilarious part is that she is exactly like the moms she didn't want to have anything to do with.

[Anonymous]

What I got from your follow up post is that 6 years ago people were generally not as welcoming as you hoped and you got a bad vibe and then 4 years ago you invited a group over and had poor turnout due to a luncheon that someone else planned for the same time.

Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't you have friends to ask for advice?

She sounds insufferable so perhaps not.

My DCs graduated from a k-8 about 8-9 years ago. We are still very friendly with a group of parents from that school. There are others we don't see anymore which is in retrospect surprising because we were close to them then. Some of the ones we see regularly are the social, connected ones. That's the group that tends to be more outgoing, host dinners, accept invitations. So don't assume that you can't be long term friends with people you meet through your kids.

[Anonymous]

I personally give the OP props for recognizing that there is a group of people she doesn't have much in common with and doesn't enjoy their company Her son is the one going to school not her why should a grown adult be forced to decide that she must hang out with a group of people because maybe it's the socially correct thing to do - that to me is ridiculous she is a grown woman very intact with her feelings and is acting on them. End of story

[Anonymous]

New poster. I haven't read all the responses. To some extent, I get it. But I am a believer that people come into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime and each has a place in this life. I'll never forget someone in college that I had zero in common with happened to be around when I was upset about a situation back home. I can't remember what this person said, but I remember they comforted me in a time that I needed someone. It was never that the person was mean, it was more of a run in different circles, grew up differently, never made the effort on either side to do things one on one. So I remember the lesson I learned is that people can surprise you.

So just because for six years you have run in different circles, you don't have to bow down in awe that you have an invite or assume you are best buds. I would take it as an evening out getting to know the parents of your son's friends. If you are an introvert and hate making small talk in general with people you don't know well, limit your outings with these parents to a few and let DH go on his own. If you are outgoing but think there has been some sort of perceived slight, just let it go and treat it like going to your DH's holiday party - superficial conversation and small talk hopefully with flashes or humor or learning something new.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I haven't read through all the responses, but I would say to do this if it's important to your DH. I totally get where you're coming from...there are families like this at our private, and I choose not to socialize w/ them (luckily, DH is on the same page) because we honestly have zero in common. But, I would just be a good sport and do it since your DH wants to give it a try. Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised?? Or maybe it will make you appreciate your true friends that much more.

[Anonymous]

pp here. I read the update from OP that there has been actual slights, canceling when OP reached out early on and the snub where they didn't talk to OP/immediately go to their group to hang out and didn't make newcomers feel welcome. Also read that OP has decided to go.

Yes, treat it like a work obligation when you socialize at a work event or the family you have to go to even though X relative drives you crazy. Low expectations going in and make the best of it.

[Anonymous]

OP. I think I know who you are.

[Anonymous]

You dont' want to go? Then don't go. Why shoudl an adult be told waht is right or wrong. You are in charge of you...if you are not comfortable then why would you go? If your husband wants to go so badly, let him go on his own.

He will probably wish he made the same choice to sit it out, they sound insufferable, I know many just like them, they are all over at my kids school, who knows...maybe same school . I say hello and move on my merry way. Life is too short to waste time on people you don't care about and who don't care about you. SO sick of these false pretenses everyone seems obligated to make. I will pass.

[Anonymous]

I'm annoyed by all the posters telling OP it's all in her head and she should go and these ladies are all really super nice. That is such bullshit. A lot of moms do make snap judgments about you by your appearance and if you don't fit in, you're out. Maybe it's subconscious, but it happens. And god forbid if you're an introvert or live more simply or -- the horror! -- both.

I also think that if one of the ladies you invited to your gathering switched the time of her birthday luncheon to specifically conflict with your event, that was incredibly rude. If it was a woman you didn't invite who didn't know about your event, that's one thing, but if one of your invitees switched the time of their own event to coincide with yours, whoa lady, that's really rude and mean. I would not go to her house or associate with her now if she was offering us free vacations at her beach estate. Why not? Because she is mean and thoughtless in a clutch. Why would I *want* to invite someone like that into my life? That would be crazy.

Frankly, I would feel some of that about the ladies who changed their RSVP as well, if they did not send you a note expressing regret or saying they'd like to try to try to do something with you another time. Changing your RSVP from yes to no BECAUSE OF A COMPETING PARTY is terribly bad manners and exclusionary. When all six of them changed their RSVP from yes to no, what exactly did they think you would feel? Like maybe you wouldn't notice? They acted like a wolf pack and thought they were above recrimination because I guess your feelings didn't rate to them.

So OP, unlike most of these other posters, I totally feel you and I wouldn't want to go to this party either, and I'd be frustrated that I couldn't explain the subtleties of the exclusionary stuff they had already done to me well enough (or that my DH just didn't care in the same way) for my DH to take my side.

If this party was being held by the woman who changed her birthday lunch time to coincide with mine, there's just no way I'd go and frankly I really wouldn't want my husband to go and become best buddies with her, either. I'd explain it to DH in terms of that party: "DH, at a time when I was new to the school and was trying hard to make friends, I scheduled a gathering for this day and time and many people from this groups said they'd come, but then this woman changed her party time to conflict with my event. She had an invite to my gathering and had even already said she'd come, and then she changed it and she and 6 of her friends then decided not to come without any explanation or apology or trying to schedule something with me later. I think that was really hurtful and I don't really want to be around these people, I don't trust them not to do hurtful things to either of us in the future based on what they've already done. It's too "Mean Girls" for me, I don't want to get involved with people like that. I don't understand why YOU would want to."

Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

OP, of course we don't know the full story, but nothing you wrote so far indicates that these women have been rude or exclusionary toward you. They just look different and have more money. But that alone doesn't really make people mean or unworthy of knowing. Do you HAVE to have friends that only make within 10% of what you're making? It's perfectly possible to be friends with people who are in different life circumstances. I honestly feel that you are prejudging them and not opening up to a possibility of actually finding a connection there. You might enjoy their company but you've already closed your mind. Reconsider?

On the connection note, I'm sure you know that the most value of private schools, apart from education, is in the social networks people form there, which can sustain themselves throughout their lives, college, first jobs, second jobs, professional networks etc. Would it really be so bad for your son if you made an effort to integrate yourself into the social network dimension of private school? You never know when these connections may come up handy.