Need help in how to deal with a social situation from sons school

[Anonymous]

If you don't feel comfortable then don't feel obligated to go. No big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't feel comfortable then don't feel obligated to go. No big deal.

But then don't say your decision was because of how you perceive the other parents but because of your own insecurity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP. I'm on the short side for this region and I could stand to lose a few pounds. I get the intimidation. But it's really more about you than about them. You feel self conscious. Try to shift your focus from yourself (I don't fit in, I'm not as pretty, etc etc etc) to genuine interest in the other person. People are interesting. All people have something that is interesting about them, things they're passionate about, things they like to talk about. Try to focus on that and I bet you will have an enjoyable time with some good conversations.

This. And even if all the other dinner guests are lame, hopefully these rich and classy hosts will have nice food and booze. Just have fun with it.

[Anonymous]

OP, unless they treated you badly somehow in the past you should go. Be more secure and confident in who you are! its not their fault that they are rich or blonde or whatever. Unless they are boring and rude, you should go.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you just haven't had that much in common with this group. I don't think that they maliciously excluded you. When someone is busy socializing with her own group, she may not think to reach out to someone who is involved in different activities and has different interests. There must have been a reason you wanted your son to go to this school, including for the contacts. Having stayed with it for this long, I would socialize with the group for the next two years or at least go to this one dinner. If you don't have so much in common with the other moms, try talking with the dads!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we have been in a similar situation and I encourage you to stretch yourself a little and go. You might be very pleasantly surprised. And on the practical side, those parents might be the ones who help your son out in the future when he is looking for jobs, internships or places to live. Or perhaps you might be a resource for one of your child's friends.

This
Go!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm surprised by the number of people pointing out your supposed insecurities and prejudices. I suspect if you were going to become good friends with these people, you would have naturally gravitated towards each other some years ago. The fact that you didn't suggests, as you pointed out, you didn't have a lot in common or the chemistry just wasn't there. If you are content with your circle of friends, I don't think there is any obligation or need to become friends with your sons' friends' parents. School is his world, not yours. I don't see how it will make any difference to your son since he is obviously already accomplished and popular. The real issue here is whether you go along with this to please your husband and whether reciprocal obligations arise. I don't think it's a big ask on his behalf and would be inclined to say that it's no big sacrifice for you to go along even if you feel rather indifferent about the people concerned.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the "just go" camp, I think. Are these invitations with the kids as well? Or parents only? And does your son have any opinions on them?

You say that it's like you were previously invisible, and now you're not...and I suspect that's kind of true. Not invisible so much, but maybe not someone they thought they had something in common with. This is similar to how you describe your initial assessment of them. Now that your kids' are all friends, there's a clear commonality. And if these are groups of people that vacation together etc, it seems pretty natural they would want to know their kids' new friend as well. Do I think you should become their best friend and have your social life revolve around them? I don't. But a dinner invitation that gives you the opportunity to be on friendlier terms with the people who raised the kids your son spends a lot of time with...that sounds like a no brainer.

To give you an example, in middle school I was really close friends with another girl (we started to drift apart more in high school). Our parents' had a little in common (same profession) but otherwise would not be friends. During those years, though, they became more than superficially close. They didn't socialize extensively, but my mom would often stop in and chat with her dad (they had a lot in common professionally) for a while when dropping me off and vice-versa. Their friendship faded as ours did, but in the meantime I think this is just natural...and even nice for the kids. I at least kind of liked the fact that my parents liked my BFF's parents even if they weren't besties.

Another thing I would note, though, is that there is an underlying tone to your OP that suggests you think these parents are somehow trying to ride the coattails of your son's popularity. That's a really unhealthy way to think and even suggests that you yourself feel a little twinge of jealousy of your son's popularity (in fact, your whole post sets up the difference between your social life and his). I don't think you have social anxiety, but maybe you're a bit insecure. It might be worth exploring this a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If those families had been actively rude to you, I'd say to stick with the friends you've got. But it seems like this divide was driven as much by your own insecurity as their snobbishness.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If those families had been actively rude to you, I'd say to stick with the friends you've got. But it seems like this divide was driven as much by your own insecurity as their snobbishness.

+1

Agree. I will share a story with you 0P. I have a relative who like you is similarly less stylish and has less income and some people around her. However she got to know some of them and they are now best of friends. Previously she was intimidated by them because they were the elites of her town and she had had some other experiences with wealthy people being snooty.but she gave them a chance and found out they were great people and had a lot in common despite the differences on the exterior. I think in the situation you may be pre-judging them. If you go to dinner and they end up being snooty assholes then by all means do not hang out with them in the future.

[Anonymous]

Play the game for the sake of your son. Treat the interactions like you would with coworkers in the workplace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the "just go" camp, I think. Are these invitations with the kids as well? Or parents only? And does your son have any opinions on them?

You say that it's like you were previously invisible, and now you're not...and I suspect that's kind of true. Not invisible so much, but maybe not someone they thought they had something in common with. This is similar to how you describe your initial assessment of them. Now that your kids' are all friends, there's a clear commonality. And if these are groups of people that vacation together etc, it seems pretty natural they would want to know their kids' new friend as well. Do I think you should become their best friend and have your social life revolve around them? I don't. But a dinner invitation that gives you the opportunity to be on friendlier terms with the people who raised the kids your son spends a lot of time with...that sounds like a no brainer.

To give you an example, in middle school I was really close friends with another girl (we started to drift apart more in high school). Our parents' had a little in common (same profession) but otherwise would not be friends. During those years, though, they became more than superficially close. They didn't socialize extensively, but my mom would often stop in and chat with her dad (they had a lot in common professionally) for a while when dropping me off and vice-versa. Their friendship faded as ours did, but in the meantime I think this is just natural...and even nice for the kids. I at least kind of liked the fact that my parents liked my BFF's parents even if they weren't besties.

Another thing I would note, though, is that there is an underlying tone to your OP that suggests you think these parents are somehow trying to ride the coattails of your son's popularity. That's a really unhealthy way to think and even suggests that you yourself feel a little twinge of jealousy of your son's popularity (in fact, your whole post sets up the difference between your social life and his). I don't think you have social anxiety, but maybe you're a bit insecure. It might be worth exploring this a bit.

OP Here you could not be more wrong in what you though I was insinuating, absolutely not. You certainly got that wrong, i am thrilled for my son and do not think these people need to write the coattails of my sons popularity, the implication is pretty absurd.

To address what many have said about not being sure if I was snubbed or its my own hallucination- yes i was snubbed a few times in fact. When we first were there, at every meeting I made an effort to speak to and get to know various parents, these very same parents who are now making an effort barely said hello or they would say the very bare minimum and then walk off to meet their circle. I found them rude from the getgo, there was not a single ounce of effort or friendliness, trust me I was there an it was quite obvious. I soon realized I didn't need them if they had no interest in me.

Only as the kids have gotten older and my son has risen to the top (hate the term but its the only way to get the point across) have they suddenly taken notice and now because it's in THEIR best interest or they have something to gain because it serves them, are they suddenly mildly interested whereas they were rude and cold to me when I needed a friend the most (when I got there and knew no one), I also had invited a group of them to my home for coffee the second year I was there to reach out one more time and most said yes but 2 days before one of them changed a bday luncheon to which many of them were invited and about 6 or 7 of them cancelled on me to attend the luncheon. The only ones that did come were not invited or part of that circle.

I have a great marriage, a wonderful family life, good kids, a nice home, am financially comfortable and sound, a career that is a dream for me and that I wake up every morning excited to have, we get to travel and do the things most work hard to accomplish, i have a small group of well educated, kind, interesting friends. I am truly really satisfied with my life. I do not see why I should have to push myself to go into a situation with people who I have really nothing in common with and who were less than gracious at a time where there was nothing in it for them....which is precisely why they behaved that way.

I sent my son to this school because its an outstanding school where he has gotten a fantastic education and has thrived. We suspected this was the right school for him and we were right but as someone said this is his experience not ours and thankfully he is doing a fine job. I will not name the school as someone has asked- because A. it is not necessary and B. because someone on this board could well be a parent and it would not be impossible to figure this out....

I have never been, unlike many especially at his school one to be caught up in the social whirl, to be consumed with so and so's wealth and/or status, just not really my thing. And my son is very much like that as well which is why I suspect he is so well liked and respected, he marches to the beat of his own drum and is a natural leader, he really doesn't care if we go or not and his exact words were "Mom go if you want to but don't do it for me,its really not a big deal".

All that said, I told my H if he really wants to go I will accompany him but if it were up to me I would graciously bow out. I am really fine with things just the way they are. I respectfully understand everyone has a different opinion but this is how I feel and I am not going to apologize for it. I appreciate the input though and promise if we go to come back and tell you how things went

[Anonymous]

You are waaaay too caught up in the situation at your son's school, despite your protestations to the contrary. Decline the invite, it seems clear that you are not going to be able to have a good time.

[Anonymous]

Just don't make this your son's or your husband's burden, don't.... go, purposely have an awful time and then say "I told you so".

You are either in or you are out... you told your H you are in, so take one for the team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've worked yourself into a tizzy over feeling snubbed -- as opposed actually BEING snubbed -- and a lot of this is really just silly thinking in your head. You don't describe any actual hostile behavior, so your reaction to solicitations now seems rather ... petty. It's almost like you believe snubbing these people now would be some form of retribution. It's very strange and not a healthy way to think. I'm with your husband -- nothing ventured, nothing gained. You won't even venture.

As i said this was a very condensed version- we are clearly not alike and that is totally fine! They are into luxury, I am not. They all travel together to their second and third homes, we have one home. Their kids have the best of everything, my son has the best of a few things, they live in multi million dollar homes we live in a home that is lovely but not on that level. They belong to CC club and we belong to a local pool club. Bottom line is we ARE different, it is not my imagination.

So put these pretenses on to socialize when I know full well when my son graduates, they will not give us the time of day. And you know what? It is fine, really it is. I have a few very good friends who I adore, who are intelluectlal and interesting and accomplished and we have a great time together. I don't need to pretend with these parents from his sh cool. I just don't see the point, it would be an act not the fostering of a genuine friendship.

Have you considered therapy?