Reply to Need help in how to deal with a social situation from sons school

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm annoyed by all the posters telling OP it's all in her head and she should go and these ladies are all really super nice.  That is such bullshit.  A lot of moms do make snap judgments about you by your appearance and if you don't fit in, you're out.  Maybe it's subconscious, but it happens.  And god forbid if you're an introvert or live more simply or -- the horror! -- both.

I also think that if one of the ladies you invited to your gathering switched the time of her birthday luncheon to specifically conflict with your event, that was incredibly rude.  If it was a woman you didn't invite who didn't know about your event, that's one thing, but if one of your invitees switched the time of their own event to coincide with yours, whoa lady, that's really rude and mean.  I would not go to her house or associate with her now if she was offering us free vacations at her beach estate.  Why not?  Because she is mean and thoughtless in a clutch.  Why would I *want* to invite someone like that into my life?  That would be crazy.

Frankly, I would feel some of that about the ladies who changed their RSVP as well, if they did not send you a note expressing regret or saying they'd like to try to try to do something with you another time.  Changing your RSVP from yes to no BECAUSE OF A COMPETING PARTY is terribly bad manners and exclusionary.  When all six of them changed their RSVP from yes to no, what exactly did they think you would feel?  Like maybe you wouldn't notice?  They acted like a wolf pack and thought they were above recrimination because I guess your feelings didn't rate to them.

So OP, unlike most of these other posters, I totally feel you and I wouldn't want to go to this party either, and I'd be frustrated that I couldn't explain the subtleties of the exclusionary stuff they had already done to me well enough (or that my DH just didn't care in the same way) for my DH to take my side.

If this party was being held by the woman who changed her birthday lunch time to coincide with mine, there's just no way I'd go and frankly I really wouldn't want my husband to go and become best buddies with her, either.  I'd explain it to DH in terms of that party:  "DH, at a time when I was new to the school and was trying hard to make friends, I scheduled a gathering for this day and time and many people from this groups said they'd come, but then this woman changed her party time to conflict with my event.  She had an invite to my gathering and had even already said she'd come, and then she changed it and she and 6 of her friends then decided not to come without any explanation or apology or trying to schedule something with me later.  I think that was really hurtful and I don't really want to be around these people, I don't trust them not to do hurtful things to either of us in the future based on what they've already done.  It's too "Mean Girls" for me, I don't want to get involved with people like that.  I don't understand why YOU would want to."

Good luck, OP![/quote]

Actually OP didn't say that the person throwing the luncheon was invited to her home. She said some of the guests she invited went to this luncheon instead that had been rescheduled for the same day.

I'm picturing a scenario where the luncheon was supposed to be on Sundsy, the hosts child is throwing up or something and she has to cancel, and scrambles to try to reschedule for Weds. That Weds happens to be when OP's coffee gathering was. The women have to choose between grabbing coffee at OP's house which can happen any time or going to the birthday lunch for a friend on a once a year birthday.
If it was a close friend and a 40th bday and I had a gift, yes I would probably attend the lunch I originally RSVP'd "yes" to and assume OP would do coffee again.
I'm not saying it's a great situation but it falls under the category of "that's life".
And this was 4 years ago.[/quote]

You have really scrambled to interpret this situation as positively as possible.  When I read "birthday luncheon" I don't think child's birthday party, I think birthday lunch at a restaurant for one of the moms.  Maybe that's why I have such a much more negative spin than you.[/quote]

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