Need help in how to deal with a social situation from sons school

[Anonymous]

When we started at my youngest kids private 6 years ago I remember feeling totally overwhelmed. I walked into a first parent meeting and I swear everyone seemed like they were 6 feet tall, blond, skinny in yoga pants, pretty and of course educated. I am short, average weight, brunette, attractive but not gorgeous and the education part is about the only thing we had in common. I don't mean every one of them was a Rhodes scholar but they all seemed to give off the vibe that they were "all that".

Eventually I overcame my insecurities and through my son met a number of nice women, a few more down to earth ones who I naturally gravitated towards and became quite friendly with. Never totally felt like I fit it with most of the parents there as they are a certain way, but my son thrived so that was good enough for me. This is a top private and a bunch of very important families attend, i am not really that impressed by that but most are and there are plenty of brown nosers running amok .

This entire time I kind of did my own thing, attended parent events when I had to, rarely got invited to social events but went to the few that we were invited to. Everyone was nice enough but I never felt part of that inner circle, which was OK I guess.

Fast forward to high school where my son has excelled as an athlete and student. He is by most definitions, a very popular boy and "the golden child" of his grade as his teacher refers to him, she says the other parents use him as the example to their own kids. I was not a popular kid but my husband was according to him and his family which might explain our differneces-

We are happy to see him doing so well. I have seen a shift ever so subtly but unmistakably a trend of major warming up by those very same parents who were just "nice enough" now wanting to be friends with us, inviting us for social events, all because of my son and his relationship with their kids. It is so obvious as he is kind of the ring leader of many of their kids and they naturally want to know more about him/us. Its almost like we have been invisible for 6 years and now they see us.

The thing is I want no part of it. I am content with how things are. My son will graduate in 2 years and we will all go our separate ways, once he is out of the picture they will not give us a second thought. My H however feels like we should make more of an effort and make the best of it while we are there. We are at odds. I realize this is a very condensed version of the story...but wondering what you think?

We are invited as an example to a dinner by one of these parents in 2 weeks, I don't want to go, he does. Last time we were with that group I felt so out of my league and like a total outcast, but I have also gotten use to this and am really fine with it. Do I go again to appease my husband or stand my ground or let him go on his own?

[Anonymous]

Why does your husband want to go?

[Anonymous]

That's a really tough one. I would feel the same as you. Any chance your husband wants to be "popular" again?

[Anonymous]

He says it's the "right thing" to do and to make the most of the next approx. 2 years plus he thinks its good for our son to have him see us mingle more with other families.
I say why change a good thing. My H is a great guy and generally reasonable and quite logical, he would never push me to go but really is encouraging it.

I don't want be such a b**** about it yet I really truly have no interest so I just started questioning at what point does one make concessions and just go for the sake of ones spouse (leaving my own feelings at the door in essence) Maybe him being popular is partly why he wants to go, he can relate far more than I can to all of this?

[Anonymous]

I think you've worked yourself into a tizzy over feeling snubbed -- as opposed actually BEING snubbed -- and a lot of this is really just silly thinking in your head. You don't describe any actual hostile behavior, so your reaction to solicitations now seems rather ... petty. It's almost like you believe snubbing these people now would be some form of retribution. It's very strange and not a healthy way to think. I'm with your husband -- nothing ventured, nothing gained. You won't even venture.

[Anonymous]

I think you think too much about this stuff. Just live in the moment.

[Anonymous]

It would be nice to make an effort to be a part of your son's HS experience. It's about him. It harmless to attend and you haven't mentioned anyone being rude or attempting to exclude you, just your own feeling of being out of your league or whatever. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to work on that?

It feels like you think there's a principle at stake. There isn't. These folks got to know you guys over the years and the invitations reflect that. Don't let your personal feelings (feeling "less-than") keep you from participating in your son's extended social world, OP. It wouldn't be fair.

[Anonymous]

BTW, the hell is with talk of being "popular." That's even more puerile. Mature adults don't think this way.

[Anonymous]

I would go, but that is b erasure we are rarely invited to anything and I enjoy a night out where I don't have to cook. So we are in different places. However, the social obligations afterwards of inviting them to our house and then going back again- may be more tiresome.

Do you know anyone who will be there? One of the down to earth ones? You might find a kindred spirit.

Overall, I think one dinner is worth sucking it up and going, but if it is just the beginning and will rule your entire social life forthe next 2 1/2 years......

A compromise might be to accept every other invitation from each family and host one big BBQ in the summer or Memorial Day and invite everyone for your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you've worked yourself into a tizzy over feeling snubbed -- as opposed actually BEING snubbed -- and a lot of this is really just silly thinking in your head. You don't describe any actual hostile behavior, so your reaction to solicitations now seems rather ... petty. It's almost like you believe snubbing these people now would be some form of retribution. It's very strange and not a healthy way to think. I'm with your husband -- nothing ventured, nothing gained. You won't even venture.

I think this PP may be onto something. Most of how other people behave has little to do with you and is mostly about them.

My kid is much younger and perhaps this is one of those things that changes as your kid gets older, but in reading your post my reaction was that I would be inclined to participate in this stuff if it would benefit your kid - and I think it probably would.

It is natural for people to want to get to know the families of their kids' friends. That is probably all this is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you've worked yourself into a tizzy over feeling snubbed -- as opposed actually BEING snubbed -- and a lot of this is really just silly thinking in your head. You don't describe any actual hostile behavior, so your reaction to solicitations now seems rather ... petty. It's almost like you believe snubbing these people now would be some form of retribution. It's very strange and not a healthy way to think. I'm with your husband -- nothing ventured, nothing gained. You won't even venture.

As i said this was a very condensed version- we are clearly not alike and that is totally fine! They are into luxury, I am not. They all travel together to their second and third homes, we have one home. Their kids have the best of everything, my son has the best of a few things, they live in multi million dollar homes we live in a home that is lovely but not on that level. They belong to CC club and we belong to a local pool club. Bottom line is we ARE different, it is not my imagination.

So put these pretenses on to socialize when I know full well when my son graduates, they will not give us the time of day. And you know what? It is fine, really it is. I have a few very good friends who I adore, who are intelluectlal and interesting and accomplished and we have a great time together. I don't need to pretend with these parents from his sh cool. I just don't see the point, it would be an act not the fostering of a genuine friendship.

[Anonymous]

If those families had been actively rude to you, I'd say to stick with the friends you've got. But it seems like this divide was driven as much by your own insecurity as their snobbishness.

[Anonymous]

Your kid's friends parents want to know you a little better since their kids are spending one with yours. Why does it matter who they are. Go to a dinner. If it's bad and you feel weird you can decline the next one.
Always easier to be friendlier than not.

[Anonymous]

It's clear that your son does not perceive this giant divide, so good for you that you've raised him with that kind of self-confidence.

But this isn't about you. It's about him. Just look at this as one more sacrifice you make for your child. If you're lucky, it won't turn out to be such a sacrifice.

Also, even if these kids' parents DO drop you like a hot potato when your kids graduate, helping your son to strengthen these relationships could help him out down the road when he needs an internship or something.

[Anonymous]

OP do you think about things this carefully all the time?

I really do not see the big deal here that took so long to write out. Your husband wants to go to an event with people that don't thrill you. Why is this a big deal? Go or don't but you are seeing so many problems that just don't exist.

This sounds like you are very uncomfortable in social situations and looking for a reason not to go. If I were your DH I would go without you if it's important to him.