Need help in how to deal with a social situation from sons school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you've worked yourself into a tizzy over feeling snubbed -- as opposed actually BEING snubbed -- and a lot of this is really just silly thinking in your head. You don't describe any actual hostile behavior, so your reaction to solicitations now seems rather ... petty. It's almost like you believe snubbing these people now would be some form of retribution. It's very strange and not a healthy way to think. I'm with your husband -- nothing ventured, nothing gained. You won't even venture.[/quote

I have to agree with this. I didn't see anything in your post to suggest they actually excluded you, it sounds more like they were perfectly pleasant, but you put up a wall because of your own insecurities so they never had an opportunity to get to know you or your family, which might have lead to more invitations and social opportunities with them all these years. Now they're finally getting to know your family via your childrens' friendships, and I think it's natural to want to get to know your kids' friends' parents a bit. It's also possible that they've liked you all along but couldn't figure out how to make any in-roads with you (since you seemed so closed off), and now they feel like they've found an opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, fixing that.

Anonymous wrote:I think you've worked yourself into a tizzy over feeling snubbed -- as opposed actually BEING snubbed -- and a lot of this is really just silly thinking in your head. You don't describe any actual hostile behavior, so your reaction to solicitations now seems rather ... petty. It's almost like you believe snubbing these people now would be some form of retribution. It's very strange and not a healthy way to think. I'm with your husband -- nothing ventured, nothing gained. You won't even venture.

I have to agree with this. I didn't see anything in your post to suggest they actually excluded you, it sounds more like they were perfectly pleasant, but you put up a wall because of your own insecurities so they never had an opportunity to get to know you or your family, which might have lead to more invitations and social opportunities with them all these years. Now they're finally getting to know your family via your childrens' friendships, and I think it's natural to want to get to know your kids' friends' parents a bit. It's also possible that they've liked you all along but couldn't figure out how to make any in-roads with you (since you seemed so closed off), and now they feel like they've found an opportunity.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you suffer from social anxiety? There are good treatments available for that, and you might find it helps immensely.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is really normal to become better friends with parents as your child becomes better friends with their kids. Happens everywhere. I think maybe it just feels different to you because of where you are.

Is is really about the people, or are you an introvert who doesn't really like to develop new relationships? DH and I struggle with this because for him it is the latter. Going to dinner with a new couple is a special kind of torture for him, and I get that. But he'll do it for the sake of getting to know DC's friends' parents (and on more than one occasion was pleasantly surprised). I think especially in high school, you need to know the parents of the kids your child is hanging out with.

[Anonymous]

I would go bc I would want to know the parents of the kids that my kid hangs out with and see what kind of parents they are.

[Anonymous]

My suggestion is to go and make the best of these things OP. But I want to add that I know exactly where you're coming from and I'd probably feel the same way that you do. I'm an introvert by nature and generally don't enjoy the company of people who I perceive to be pretentious self-important douche bags. Now I know you didn't use that term, but I'm guessing that you sort of perceive these people in that light.

But we all must occasionally step outside our comfort zone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've worked yourself into a tizzy over feeling snubbed -- as opposed actually BEING snubbed -- and a lot of this is really just silly thinking in your head. You don't describe any actual hostile behavior, so your reaction to solicitations now seems rather ... petty. It's almost like you believe snubbing these people now would be some form of retribution. It's very strange and not a healthy way to think. I'm with your husband -- nothing ventured, nothing gained. You won't even venture.

As i said this was a very condensed version- we are clearly not alike and that is totally fine! They are into luxury, I am not. They all travel together to their second and third homes, we have one home. Their kids have the best of everything, my son has the best of a few things, they live in multi million dollar homes we live in a home that is lovely but not on that level. They belong to CC club and we belong to a local pool club. Bottom line is we ARE different, it is not my imagination.

So put these pretenses on to socialize when I know full well when my son graduates, they will not give us the time of day. And you know what? It is fine, really it is. I have a few very good friends who I adore, who are intelluectlal and interesting and accomplished and we have a great time together. I don't need to pretend with these parents from his sh cool. I just don't see the point, it would be an act not the fostering of a genuine friendship.

I have to say, you sound extremely judgmental and appear to have made some (negative) assumptions based on these people's character based on ... what? Having money?

[Anonymous]

OP you definitely sound like you suffer from social anxiety and you are looking for a reason not to go. I would get help with that. There is nothing that you described in your post that sounds the least bit offensive in terms of how you've been treated, it sounds like you have been prepared not to like these women all along.

[Anonymous]

You are assuming that they hadn't previously warmed to you because you don't look like them or have their money and status but it sounds like you immediately put up a defensive wall when you met them and that it's YOU who have made assumptions about THEM based on how they look or how they live.

They're just people - stop seeing them as stereotypes and just get to know them as people. And don't be apologetic for who you are - if they can't appreciate you because you don't share their lifestyle or appearance then what does it really matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've worked yourself into a tizzy over feeling snubbed -- as opposed actually BEING snubbed -- and a lot of this is really just silly thinking in your head. You don't describe any actual hostile behavior, so your reaction to solicitations now seems rather ... petty. It's almost like you believe snubbing these people now would be some form of retribution. It's very strange and not a healthy way to think. I'm with your husband -- nothing ventured, nothing gained. You won't even venture.

As i said this was a very condensed version- we are clearly not alike and that is totally fine! They are into luxury, I am not. They all travel together to their second and third homes, we have one home. Their kids have the best of everything, my son has the best of a few things, they live in multi million dollar homes we live in a home that is lovely but not on that level. They belong to CC club and we belong to a local pool club. Bottom line is we ARE different, it is not my imagination.

So put these pretenses on to socialize when I know full well when my son graduates, they will not give us the time of day. And you know what? It is fine, really it is. I have a few very good friends who I adore, who are intelluectlal and interesting and accomplished and we have a great time together. I don't need to pretend with these parents from his sh cool. I just don't see the point, it would be an act not the fostering of a genuine friendship.

OP, you are treating these women far worse than you even imagine they are treating you. And god forbid your husband might want to give them a chance and try to make some new friends, you're treating him pretty poorly too.

[Anonymous]

You have a huge chip on your shoulder and probably a social anxiety disorder.

There are people that I had dinner with regularly years ago I rarely see due to circumstances, change of job, moved, have little kids... that is life.

You might need some social skills classes.

I would not be a stick in the mud... let your child foster relationships that he finds pleasing to him and be supportive in any way that you can.

They are not obligated to being your BFF for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTW, the hell is with talk of being "popular." That's even more puerile. Mature adults don't think this way.

"He's a mean guy--nobody likes him"...
- The Trump

*sigh*

[Anonymous]

Success makes people take you more seriously. I wouldn't assume these people are snobs. Sometimes it really is that a sincere desire to include you and get to know you.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP,

I have tons and tons of family money. We live in a multi-million dollar home, travel, etc. I am thin by nature and blonde from a salon. My children go to top private. I might even know you.

And you know what? I'm actually very down to earth. I enjoy meeting new people, although I'm actually kind of an introvert myself. I love spending time with my family. We try to strike a balance between what our kids want and need. BUT because I am rich, blonde, and thin, I find myself constantly being written off as the type of woman you are describing. I try to be open and friendly but often am shut out by others.

If my children became friends with a new kid, I would certainly have the parents over. Not to suck up, but because I'm always on the lookout for new friends, and it's a great (and rare!) thing when you can be friends with the parents of your children's friends.

Please try to look past what you perceive to be the surface of these women and have an open mind. You may find more down to earth, friendly people than you expect!

[Anonymous]

Go. It's always good to know the parents of your kids friends, especially in high school where it's harder to make those connections. Maybe your kid gets invited to these second and third homes.

I went to a top school here and was one of the middle class students. There were actually lots of us, more than the super rich. But my mom had the same chip on her shoulder that you do and I have to say it was really unfortunate. She perceived slights where there were none. It made me feel insecure. It would have been so much better if she'd tried to be part of the parent group. Luckily my father was much more comfortable and that helped.