When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced after 26 years of marriage. I was 24 at the time and my brother was 25. They hung on until we graduated college and got established, and then they split up acrimoniously. My dad has a girlfriend who my mom despises (and never fails to tell us so) and my dad is also furious about my mom having a man friend. My brother and I moved on and had our own families, but holidays, kids' birthdays and family get-togethers are very difficult when you have divorced parents who hate each other and won't be in the same room together. My mom made a scene at my daughter's baptism lunch because she didn't want to be in a group family picture with my dad and his girlfriend. I also hate having to divide our time between so many places (my husband's parents are also divorced). My kids are still little, but sometimes I think about their confirmations, high school and college graduations, weddings, etc. and it makes me very sad that my parents are incapable of putting their issues aside to participate in family events under one roof. I suggest that in addition to thinking about how a divorce would affect your kids, think about how it will affect your grandkids.

+1 on this. I married someone with parents who won't be in the same room. Holidays are miserable when we visit his hometown. Can't overstate how frustrating it is to walk on eggshells and have to plan so much (mil will come over at 1pm and leave by 130, tell fil to come over at 145 so they don't have to see each other) so that they are both "comfortable." We don't have kids yet but I am already dreading the thought of 1st bday. I think I will end up putting my foot down and saying that if people don't think they can manage to be in 1 room for a few hours for a bday party, then too bad. I will not subject my children to multiple parties and multiple houses because their grandparents cannot be civil adults in the same room.

Yes, we're trying to to do this too. "One show only" and if you can't make it, then too bad. It's exhausting trying to juggle and plan everything so everyone is happy and no one gets their feelings hurt, so I am trying to not do that anymore. Sometimes I wish there was a way I could divorce my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

so you think it is okay for a couple to never go on a date, never take a day off together, never vacation without children, never go away without the family.

You life must SUCK!

Last summer, we had our first three days together without children in 17 years. It was wonderful, but not something we could have done before that. Not everyone has people ready, willing AND able to take care of their children while they go on vacation together. If you do, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

First three days in 17 years without kids? And you see no problem with this? And still think your wife is being unreasonable? Unbelievable.

And you never answered the questions of dates and delegations of household chores...

I am the to PP to whom you responded, but I am NOT the OP. I would have LOVED a couples only vacation before last summer, but we did not have anyone to care for our children for a couples only vacation. If you have this COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!!!!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

so you think it is okay for a couple to never go on a date, never take a day off together, never vacation without children, never go away without the family.

You life must SUCK!

Last summer, we had our first three days together without children in 17 years. It was wonderful, but not something we could have done before that. Not everyone has people ready, willing AND able to take care of their children while they go on vacation together. If you do, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

i find this hard to believe.

Why? Not everyone has people to take care of their children for extended amounts of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

She isn't lazy. He said she's a wonderful mother. No "wonderful mother" is lazy. None of the other options make the "tell her to lose weight and put out or divorce her" course of action make sense. On the other hand, it seems quite likely since that's his approach that he's a lazy, selfish slob.

Wonderful mothers can absolutely be lazy wives. It's a matter of priorities. I'm a hard worker when it comes to my job but utterly lazy when it comes to, say, cleaning my car. I like and care about the former and am utterly indifferent to the latter.

That's not laziness. That's lack of interest. She's not a lazy person generally. She's not interested in intimacy with him. So, the question is why? From what I've seen of him, I can think of a few reasons. We haven't heard from her (that we know of). If you're committed to your marriage, then you try to figure out why. And that may require some change on your part. But he's not interested in that. He's only interested in telling her to change to suit him, and who cares what's making her uninterested. That's selfish, and the marriage will fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

so you think it is okay for a couple to never go on a date, never take a day off together, never vacation without children, never go away without the family.

You life must SUCK!

Last summer, we had our first three days together without children in 17 years. It was wonderful, but not something we could have done before that. Not everyone has people ready, willing AND able to take care of their children while they go on vacation together. If you do, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

i find this hard to believe.

Why? Not everyone has people to take care of their children for extended amounts of time.

not for 3 days, but not even for a day? so the 2 of you can check into a hotel and just spend the day together?

hell, take a personal day at work and check into a hotel from 9am-5pm. marriage takes work and maintenance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

She isn't lazy. He said she's a wonderful mother. No "wonderful mother" is lazy. None of the other options make the "tell her to lose weight and put out or divorce her" course of action make sense. On the other hand, it seems quite likely since that's his approach that he's a lazy, selfish slob.

Wonderful mothers can absolutely be lazy wives. It's a matter of priorities. I'm a hard worker when it comes to my job but utterly lazy when it comes to, say, cleaning my car. I like and care about the former and am utterly indifferent to the latter.

That's not laziness. That's lack of interest. She's not a lazy person generally. She's not interested in intimacy with him. So, the question is why? From what I've seen of him, I can think of a few reasons. We haven't heard from her (that we know of). If you're committed to your marriage, then you try to figure out why. And that may require some change on your part. But he's not interested in that. He's only interested in telling her to change to suit him, and who cares what's making her uninterested. That's selfish, and the marriage will fail.

X100000000. This, a million times over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Planning date nights with no expectation of sex?"

That's the only kind of date night I plan. I have no reason to have an expectation of sex because sex never happens.

That's cruel. My husband takes me out, I'm having sex with him.

Most the time, by the time I get the babysitter taken home (maybe a 15-20 minute process), my wife has changed into frumpy clothes and is asleep. So, I've never really seen the value of the date night advice.

This isn't that hard of a problem to solve. Get a sitter who can drive or who lives near enough to walk. have you made any effort to do that? No, I bet she's in charge of that, right, and it never occurred to you.
And here's another one that might work, and I bet you never tried. Say to her when you get home BEFORE you drop off the babysitter that you think she looks really beautiful just as she is and she shouldn't change out of that outfit because you plan to make her a special cocktail when you get back from dropping off the sitter. Tell her in the meantime, do nothing -- no dishes -- except just relax. And kiss her. In other words, treat her like a human being who you actually like, and she might start to act like a person who thinks of herself that way too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I look like a college soccer player with a few extra wrinkles and (slightly) thinning hair. AKA I am completely delusional and aging and cannot handle it, have no muscle development and am probably a short little runt.

As for me, you must be confusing me with someone else in your old age. I would never date a sleaze. And trust me, if I did, you could NEVER handle me. I promise you that.

Not delusional, but I will admit to making some sleazy statements above. Touche.
I don't really intend to "cheat" on my affair partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Planning date nights with no expectation of sex?"

That's the only kind of date night I plan. I have no reason to have an expectation of sex because sex never happens.

That's cruel. My husband takes me out, I'm having sex with him.

Most the time, by the time I get the babysitter taken home (maybe a 15-20 minute process), my wife has changed into frumpy clothes and is asleep. So, I've never really seen the value of the date night advice.

This isn't that hard of a problem to solve. Get a sitter who can drive or who lives near enough to walk. have you made any effort to do that? No, I bet she's in charge of that, right, and it never occurred to you.
And here's another one that might work, and I bet you never tried. Say to her when you get home BEFORE you drop off the babysitter that you think she looks really beautiful just as she is and she shouldn't change out of that outfit because you plan to make her a special cocktail when you get back from dropping off the sitter. Tell her in the meantime, do nothing -- no dishes -- except just relax. And kiss her. In other words, treat her like a human being who you actually like, and she might start to act like a person who thinks of herself that way too.

I'm the pp who said my husband gets laid on date night and this is just BS. How about SHE makes the effort to make him feel like a person she likes by saying "I'll be waiting up in lingerie with a glass of wine when you get home." Make it fun for both. Why does he have to take her out, come home and kids her ass, and take the babysitter home while she does.. What? Where's her contribution to the scenario? "Take me out, bring me home, take the babysitter home, I'll be asleep when you get back." No. There needs to be appreciation and effort on BOTH sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

so you think it is okay for a couple to never go on a date, never take a day off together, never vacation without children, never go away without the family.

You life must SUCK!

Last summer, we had our first three days together without children in 17 years. It was wonderful, but not something we could have done before that. Not everyone has people ready, willing AND able to take care of their children while they go on vacation together. If you do, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

i find this hard to believe.

Why? Not everyone has people to take care of their children for extended amounts of time.

not for 3 days, but not even for a day? so the 2 of you can check into a hotel and just spend the day together?

hell, take a personal day at work and check into a hotel from 9am-5pm. marriage takes work and maintenance.

I never said our marriage wasn't good. I am just saying that not everyone has people with whom they can leave their children for extended periods of time. We have done the day off bit and wrangled a night here and there. We have regular date nights and walk every night together. But we have never had anyone who could look after them for longer periods. If you have such people in your life, count your lucky stars. Last summer, was the first time we had a whole weekend. It was wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Relationships are two-way streets. He shouldn't have to worship her as a precondition for her to not brush off a hug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Planning date nights with no expectation of sex?"

That's the only kind of date night I plan. I have no reason to have an expectation of sex because sex never happens.

That's cruel. My husband takes me out, I'm having sex with him.

Most the time, by the time I get the babysitter taken home (maybe a 15-20 minute process), my wife has changed into frumpy clothes and is asleep. So, I've never really seen the value of the date night advice.

This isn't that hard of a problem to solve. Get a sitter who can drive or who lives near enough to walk. have you made any effort to do that? No, I bet she's in charge of that, right, and it never occurred to you.
And here's another one that might work, and I bet you never tried. Say to her when you get home BEFORE you drop off the babysitter that you think she looks really beautiful just as she is and she shouldn't change out of that outfit because you plan to make her a special cocktail when you get back from dropping off the sitter. Tell her in the meantime, do nothing -- no dishes -- except just relax. And kiss her. In other words, treat her like a human being who you actually like, and she might start to act like a person who thinks of herself that way too.

This- exactly this.

And for all you people whining about "why doesn't she do it?" He is the person on this board, and the one who has an issue with the current lack of sex.if he wants that to change it is up to him. Just as if the female wants things to change it is up to her. But she's not the one on here, and this seems to be happy with it. Thus the onus is on him.

[Anonymous]

Kids in their 20s are adults. By then, if not before, you have to change your situation. Please try marriage counseling now, though. It might snap your wife out of her mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Planning date nights with no expectation of sex?"

That's the only kind of date night I plan. I have no reason to have an expectation of sex because sex never happens.

That's cruel. My husband takes me out, I'm having sex with him.

Most the time, by the time I get the babysitter taken home (maybe a 15-20 minute process), my wife has changed into frumpy clothes and is asleep. So, I've never really seen the value of the date night advice.

This isn't that hard of a problem to solve. Get a sitter who can drive or who lives near enough to walk. have you made any effort to do that? No, I bet she's in charge of that, right, and it never occurred to you.
And here's another one that might work, and I bet you never tried. Say to her when you get home BEFORE you drop off the babysitter that you think she looks really beautiful just as she is and she shouldn't change out of that outfit because you plan to make her a special cocktail when you get back from dropping off the sitter. Tell her in the meantime, do nothing -- no dishes -- except just relax. And kiss her. In other words, treat her like a human being who you actually like, and she might start to act like a person who thinks of herself that way too.

This- exactly this.

And for all you people whining about "why doesn't she do it?" He is the person on this board, and the one who has an issue with the current lack of sex.if he wants that to change it is up to him. Just as if the female wants things to change it is up to her. But she's not the one on here, and this seems to be happy with it. Thus the onus is on him.

Whether or not someone posts on DCUM is not really the measurement for how happy they are. !!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Planning date nights with no expectation of sex?"

That's the only kind of date night I plan. I have no reason to have an expectation of sex because sex never happens.

That's cruel. My husband takes me out, I'm having sex with him.

Most the time, by the time I get the babysitter taken home (maybe a 15-20 minute process), my wife has changed into frumpy clothes and is asleep. So, I've never really seen the value of the date night advice.

This isn't that hard of a problem to solve. Get a sitter who can drive or who lives near enough to walk. have you made any effort to do that? No, I bet she's in charge of that, right, and it never occurred to you.
And here's another one that might work, and I bet you never tried. Say to her when you get home BEFORE you drop off the babysitter that you think she looks really beautiful just as she is and she shouldn't change out of that outfit because you plan to make her a special cocktail when you get back from dropping off the sitter. Tell her in the meantime, do nothing -- no dishes -- except just relax. And kiss her. In other words, treat her like a human being who you actually like, and she might start to act like a person who thinks of herself that way too.

This- exactly this.

And for all you people whining about "why doesn't she do it?" He is the person on this board, and the one who has an issue with the current lack of sex.if he wants that to change it is up to him. Just as if the female wants things to change it is up to her. But she's not the one on here, and this seems to be happy with it. Thus the onus is on him.

Whether or not someone posts on DCUM is not really the measurement for how happy they are. !!!!!

Of course not, but she's not on here so of course were going to give advice to the party who is asking for it!!! What part of that don't you understand?