When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

Or at least the thought occurred to me. They're in elementary school now, so it's a long way off. My wife is a great life partner, roommate, and mother. But she gained some weight (after losing the baby-weight, she gained it back and then some) and lost her libido. That spiraled into lack of all physical affection. I initiate almost all hugs, hand-holding, you name it. She seems to tolerate it. I'm completely miserable, but I love my children and won't destroy an otherwise happy household just so I can get laid and have some regular affection. But after they're gone, maybe I will. I'll be mid-50's when the last kid goes off to college; that's a lot of life to live in a marriage with very little sex and affection. I hope that once the kids are less of an attention drain that she focuses more on me, but if she doesn't, it'll make the decision all the easier.

But the question for DCUM is this: How damaging is it to children in their 20's when their parents divorce?

[Anonymous]

What a baby you are. It's still very damaging. You sound like you're posting this here to try to get revenge on her. Why don't you try to make sex more pleasurable for her then? Book a massage, get her in the mood, give her a back rub, take her to dinner. All things that will put her in a romantic mindset. Oh and try taking some responsibility for your marriage instead of blaming it all on here.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow, that's a lot of assumptions -- and all wrong. Venting? Yes. Revenge? How is an anonymous posting revenge?

Do I have faults? Yep. But I do the big things right. And I've put more than enough effort into my marriage.

But about my question: Are there studies of the effect of a divorce that happens after the kids are out of the house? Any data or real information (not that I dismiss DCUM opinions, but I'd like facts)?

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to her about this? I'd assume you had except for the statement that "She seems to tolerate it," which makes it sound like you're just guessing about her feelings.

[Anonymous]

It's still damaging. If you want to get out, you might as well get out now.

I was where you are now, though. I was just holding on until the kids were out of the house. Then things got better. A lot, lot better. Now I don't think I'm going to divorce DH after all, and my kids are only in middle school.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. Ignore the nasty poster, there are always a few on these boards, particularly towards male OPs.

I just want to float the idea that you might actually rekindle your relationship with your wife before your kids are in college. Young children require such a lot of thoughtful organization and prep and driving and hands-on presence! She may be completely overwhelmed.

She may also be having medical issues, such as thyroid (makes you gain weight and decreases libido) or anemia, etc. Blood work and a check-up for depression are in order.

Don't give up. Do something. See what, if anything, is bothering her.

And to answer your question, I think the teen years are the worst for divorce. So before or after that is less worse - not that there's a perfect time, but you see what I mean. Sorry, can't give you data off-hand.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are so shallow! Do you know how many men would love to have a wife, who in your words, is a great life partner?!?

People like you make me appreciate the amazing man I married even more. My weight has gone up and down and DH has never said one word about it because he knows how important being fit and healthy is to me. It also turns out I had a thyroid problem that went undetected for a long time.

Now for some constructive advice, why don't you take your wife (and kids) to do activities that involve movement...hiking/long walks, biking, stand up paddle boarding when it's warm, golf, spin class, etc... Tell her you want to find some new activities to spend time with her. Get fit together!

I also ask you, do you think the grass is greener on the other side? You sell one set of problems and buy another in cases like this. I also challenge you to find out from your wife what she is not getting from you. This could be a symptom of her weight gain and insecurity. Ask yourself, is this foolish and/or hasty????

[Anonymous]

OP here again. My need for love and affection does not mean I'm shallow. It means I'm human.

Thanks for your constructive advice, but BTDT. Same answer for the "have you talked to her about this?" questions. Of course I've talked to her about it. Her approach is basically: I'll see what I can do, but in the mean time, just live with it. That's been going on for years.

Your final questions, about the grass being greener, are good ones. But I'm not being hasty. I haven't done anything. And if I do, it's a decade in the future.

[Anonymous]

Op, when you are willing to throw away a woman who, by your description, is wonderful, because she won't suck your dick as much as you want... Yeah, sorry but that's shallow. And I'm guessing your kids will agree with me and the others on here in that it's a real selfish reason to break up a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How damaging is it to children in their 20's when their parents divorce?

I knew a kid once...parents fought all the time loudly and vehemently, no love lost between them nor any lack of vitriol for one another either but they stayed married anyway and fought all their lives - but you know what...the kid turned out to be okay. He's a college grad, has a great career, is emotionally stable and in a great relationship with a wonderful partner and two wonderful kids of their own. All that craziness and counterproductive chaos between his parents didn't seem to affect him at all.

I knew a kid once...parents got divorced when he was eight or nine years old because of infidelity and they never got along after separating, always bad-talking the another to the kid and always played him against one another - but you know what...the kid turned out to be okay. He's a college grad, has a great career, is emotionally stable and in a great relationship with a wonderful partner and two wonderful kids of their own. All that craziness and counterproductive chaos between his parents didn't seem to affect him at all.

I knew a kid once...parents got divorced soon after he entered graduate school as they just got sick and tired of one another and wanted better lives for themselves so they waited for the kid to grow up before separating - and you know what...the kid turned out to be okay. He's a college grad, has a great career, is emotionally stable and in a great relationship with a wonderful partner and two wonderful kids of their own. All that craziness and counterproductive chaos between his parents didn't seem to affect him at all.

By now I'm sure you see that all the endings are the same despite the different circumstances beginning each tale. Now this doesn't mean that certain environments and events aren't damaging...it doesn't mean that certain environments and events don't shape who we are or how function - HOWEVER, it does suggest that who we are and what we are capable of achieving as human beings is not predicated on particular environments or events in our lives and that is because each of us has inside what can be best described as an indomitable human spirit that in many instances overrides all rationale and reason and defies all predictions and probabilities when it comes to what lifts us up and what holds us back and as far as what throws us off course and what guides us to our goals...
I guess what I'm saying is that it could be damaging to children in their 20's if their parents divorce or it could be negligible or it could be motivating or it could be edifying - who knows. At the end of the day it all comes down to that individual human being and their individual innate human spirit.

[Anonymous]

The prevailing opinion seems to be that if a woman is a good life partner and mother, she can stop all affection with her husband. They'll be "husband and wife" but they'll never hug, snuggle, hold hands or share any other type of physical affection. That includes sex, but it also includes everything else.

If the husband has a problem with it, he's a shallow and selfish jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The prevailing opinion seems to be that if a woman is a good life partner and mother, she can stop all affection with her husband. They'll be "husband and wife" but they'll never hug, snuggle, hold hands or share any other type of physical affection. That includes sex, but it also includes everything else.

If the husband has a problem with it, he's a shallow and selfish jerk.

He didn't say she stopped all of it. He said she gained weight (not sure why he thought that was relevant, lol) and stopped initiating. There's a big difference and it speaks to a lack of empathy on his part considering she's a wonderful wife/mother otherwise. I would say the same thing to a woman considering leaving her husband because he can't get it up.

[Anonymous]

Have you TOLD her this? I seriously cannot stand these bitching and whining posts (DH and DWs) and yet they have not sat down one on one and been 100% truthful about it. Or started counseling.

You are an adult. Communicate and share your feelings or don't. But if you do not then you are the one sending yourself to a life of shit.

[Anonymous]

OP, your options are not limited to "stay in affectionless marriage forever" or "leave when the kids move away for college."

Of course they will still be upset when their parents divorce. Kids care about their parents' happiness and I doubt an adult child will say "Yes, Dad, I'm glad you spend my childhood being miserable because you thought that's what was best for me."

Your wife's answer of "I'll work on it, but suck it up" is not acceptable either. You deserve better than that. Counseling, for you both. Evaluation of your lifestyle and what changes to it could be made so that you both get more out of it. If the answer is "nothing can be done about it", then start preparing to separate now. Waiting until the kids leave for college places way too much responsibility for your happiness on your children, and that is not fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your options are not limited to "stay in affectionless marriage forever" or "leave when the kids move away for college."

Of course they will still be upset when their parents divorce. Kids care about their parents' happiness and I doubt an adult child will say "Yes, Dad, I'm glad you spend my childhood being miserable because you thought that's what was best for me."

Your wife's answer of "I'll work on it, but suck it up" is not acceptable either. You deserve better than that. Counseling, for you both. Evaluation of your lifestyle and what changes to it could be made so that you both get more out of it. If the answer is "nothing can be done about it", then start preparing to separate now. Waiting until the kids leave for college places way too much responsibility for your happiness on your children, and that is not fair.

So basically, SHE has to do all the changing and it has to be his way of nothing? Or else she gets blackmailed into divorce? Hmmm... Not exactly seeing how that's fair or very mature....