When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your options are not limited to "stay in affectionless marriage forever" or "leave when the kids move away for college."

Of course they will still be upset when their parents divorce. Kids care about their parents' happiness and I doubt an adult child will say "Yes, Dad, I'm glad you spend my childhood being miserable because you thought that's what was best for me."

Your wife's answer of "I'll work on it, but suck it up" is not acceptable either. You deserve better than that. Counseling, for you both. Evaluation of your lifestyle and what changes to it could be made so that you both get more out of it. If the answer is "nothing can be done about it", then start preparing to separate now. Waiting until the kids leave for college places way too much responsibility for your happiness on your children, and that is not fair.

So basically, SHE has to do all the changing and it has to be his way of nothing? Or else she gets blackmailed into divorce? Hmmm... Not exactly seeing how that's fair or very mature....

I'm not OP, but I don't think this is blackmail. It's just reality. It's a deal breaker for a lot of people to be in a marriage without sex. When you are miserable and suffering and depressed and lonely because your marriage is sexless, you are left with the choices of: 1) suffer; 2) divorce; or 3) cheat.

Trying to address the issue with a spouse is the adult thing to do. Telling the spouse what is on the line (ie. the marriage) is also adult. It's not blackmail; it's a statement of fact: this gets better or we're going to break up.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Let me clarify: She never initiates physical affection and when I initiate it, she tolerates it for a bit and then stops it. So, I might hug her, but she releases immediately I might hold her hand, and she'll go for it for a few seconds, but then lets go.

And yes, I've TOLD her how I feel, many times. She knows exactly how I feel.

My comment about her weight gain was to give some view toward what's motivating her (or not). And I'll confess: It was to ward off those posters who would certainly respond with a "your wife isn't affectionate with you and doesn't have sex with you because she's getting it from someone else."

[Anonymous]

My parents got divorced right after I finished high school. Do I sometimes wish they were still together? Sure. But both of them are much happier now that they are divorced. Life is too short to stay in a miserable marriage. I'm sure your children want you to be happy.

[Anonymous]

+1

Its like we're roommates. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Okay -- but do you love her? Beyond the "she doesn't hold my hand". If she held your hand longer would you want to stay. If the answer is yes, than stop thinking about divorce and concentrate on being a good dad and husband. Being a mom is physically exhausting. She may not have any room for anyone else's physical needs.

But if you don't love her, that's different. Don't waste her time and yours for the next ten years waiting to leave. Life is too short and it isn't fair to either one of you. She deserves someone who loves her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Let me clarify: She never initiates physical affection and when I initiate it, she tolerates it for a bit and then stops it. So, I might hug her, but she releases immediately I might hold her hand, and she'll go for it for a few seconds, but then lets go.

And yes, I've TOLD her how I feel, many times. She knows exactly how I feel.

My comment about her weight gain was to give some view toward what's motivating her (or not). And I'll confess: It was to ward off those posters who would certainly respond with a "your wife isn't affectionate with you and doesn't have sex with you because she's getting it from someone else."

Then take her ass to counseling as a last resort. And if that does not work divorce. Life is too short!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Let me clarify: She never initiates physical affection and when I initiate it, she tolerates it for a bit and then stops it. So, I might hug her, but she releases immediately I might hold her hand, and she'll go for it for a few seconds, but then lets go.

And yes, I've TOLD her how I feel, many times. She knows exactly how I feel.

My comment about her weight gain was to give some view toward what's motivating her (or not). And I'll confess: It was to ward off those posters who would certainly respond with a "your wife isn't affectionate with you and doesn't have sex with you because she's getting it from someone else."

Wow. Sorry but you seem like an immature douche. You said she was overweight so that we would think no one else would want her? Lol. No. She could still be having an affair and I'm sure she has many options if she wanted to go down that route.

[Anonymous]

I am just so glad to be married to someone who doesn't bitch and moan and whine and get upset every time I can't (or don't feel like) holding his hand. It's such a pathetic turn off to me and maybe that's why you aren't getting any. You sound like such a milk-dud of a "man".

[Anonymous]

It is very damaging at that age. Not quite as bad as when they are in middle or high school, but still pretty awful. The first few years in college are a very sensitive time and you will be ripping the rug out from under them and telling them the happy family they thought they had was a lie. And they are in for a lifetime of split up holidays, financially damaged parents, potential stepfamily problems, and all the other crap no matter what age you do it. Being an adult child of divorce is no picnic, especially when you are dealing with two aging parents in two locations.

If you leave your wife without working the marriage, your children will find out and they will resent you for giving up so easily. This is the only family they have, so don't just throw it away. Give it your very best effort and then if it doesn't work out, at least you can look them in the eye and say that you tried.

[Anonymous]

How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

[Anonymous]

Anecdotally: the people I knew whose parents split when they were I. College were torn up about it. They felt like they had no home to return to and they felt guilty that their parents stuck together for them.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone piling on the OP? He gets ZERO physical affection from his wife. He does not feel desired by her.
She is aware of this but does nothing. I did not get from his post that he is upset about her weight gain or that it affects his desire to be close to her -- he mentioned it as a possible cause of HER low libido. Many of you seem to be projecting your own issues all over the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?



X200000000

Really? What a joke. She has checked out. It is good he will wait till the children are out of the house. Hope she has been keeping her work place skilled sharp.

[Anonymous]

What makes the marriage "loveless," OP? Your wife doesn't love you? You don't love her? You don't have sex?